Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Conversations With Jess: Nathan Fillion vs. Newt Gingrich

JESS: I would like to thank you for getting me hooked on “Castle”, and by thank I mean punch you in the tits. It’s not on until TEN!  By the time it’s over and I put Zoe to bed for the eight millionth time, I’m not getting to sleep ‘til midnight.  You suck.
ME: Jesus, lighten up, Grandma.  I haven’t seen you this riled up since your Scooter Chair died during a “Matlock” marathon.
JESS: Yuk it up, bitch.  But you were right, the show is pretty rad…I still don’t get your whole obsession with Nathan Fillion, though.
ME: Umm, he's ruggedly handsome, he’s funny as hell, he’s got that comic-book nerdboy thing goin’ on, and he’s Canadian! The only way he could be more attractive is if he ejaculated chocolate.
JESS: I think it’s safe to say that’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever said.  Not particularly true…but safe.
ME: Whatev.  Anyway, you needed to get hooked on a new show.  “Glee” has gotten weak, yo.
JESS:  Right? If I hear Lea Michelle mangle one more Bruno Mars song I’m seriously gonna lose my shit.
ME: And does EVERY episode have to be a “very special” episode about gay teenagers?  It’s friggin’ Glee Club, of course there are gay teenagers.  That’s like having a “very special” episode of “House” where someone gets a weird disease, Chase says it’s sarcoidosis, then House tells everyone to fuck off.
JESS: . . .What’s it like in your head?
ME: Surprisingly pleasant. (checking phone)  Huh. . .
JESS: What?
ME: Oh, Max just texted me.  So, do you know how to get olive oil out of bed linens?
JESS: God, I hope that’s a rhetorical question.
ME: From Max?  Not so much.  That boy’s had more strange ass than a TriMet bus. So where’s Sean this weekend?
JESS: His annual Palm Beach golf-fest with his brothers.
ME: I don’t understand golf.  You basically just walk around outside, lugging a bag, and muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in really ugly pants.
JESS: I don’t mind golf, I just hate hanging out with Sean’s brothers.  Aaron is a Republican and Blake is a liberal so every time they get together it’s like freaking “Crossfire”.  Thanks, guys. While you’re telling me about your political platform, why don’t you also fill me in on your fantasy football team and show me pictures from your vacation. That way, I can not give a shit about everything all at once.
ME: At least I know better than to discuss politics with your hippie ass.
JESS: I’m not a hippie!
ME: Umm, you voted for Nader, Patchouli McRainbow.
JESS: Oh, like your candidates are much better?  Let’s see, we’ve got Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor.  Sweet!  We’re just two sluts and a fat guy away from “Gilligan’s Island”.
ME: Hey, if I could live through the “bwocka-wocka” porn guitar riff of the Clinton Administration, then you can suck it and deal with a Conservative president for a while. Besides, I’m a pretty liberal Republican.
JESS: What does that even mean? 
ME: It means I think criminals should be electrocuted but it should be in a really comfy Barc-o-Lounger.
JESS: You need to crush the tinfoil on your helmet because some of the crazy is starting to seep in.
ME: Oh, lighten up, Susan Sarandon.
JESS: Back atcha, Ann Coulter.


Becca said...

Please, please, please make me a shirt that says "yuck it up bitch," or engrave it on my shiv. PLEASE.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

"It's like being homeless in really ugly pants." That is the greatest description of golf I've ever heard.

Angie said...

For me it's because I'm a bitch. And a hermit. And a bitch. :)

Thanks for the laughs!

Chillin'Villain said...

At first glance, the title of your blog got me a little riled-for a second I thought you were comparing Mr. Ruggedly Handsome to Mr. My-Tighty-Whities-Are-Restricting-Blood-To-My-Brain(and I would say that about the majority of politicians, not just him).

But it turned out to be pure hilarity-I would pay to hang out with you guys, or at least observe... :-)

jennie jackson said...

So funny! How do you get olive oil on sheets anyway? ...oh wait

Jen said...

BECCA - 'Yuk It Up, Bitch' shirts for my Zazzle shop? Genius!

CARRIE - Anything that can be played by 85 year old drunk men is NOT a sport.

ANGIE - Yeah, the whole 'bitch' thing has kinda hindered my social life as well, not gonna lie.

C.V. - An evening with me and Jess has brought many a strong man to tears. Be warned.

JENNIE - Max is one classy mo-fo.

fery.xlim said...

ahhh why do I imagine that you reallllyyy have tinfoil on your head!! :D

Jennifer said...

Patchouli McRainbow. Awesomeness.

You crack me up!!

thoughtsappear said...

I wish I could stay up until 10. I can't be held responsible for anything after 9:30.

Scott Jung said...

Omg... Zazzle should also get the golf shirt with the homeless phrase!

Oh and the tinfoil comment!

When is Jess guest blogging?


Jen said...

FERYX - I actually do own a tinfoil helmet. . .don't judge.

JENNIFER - I am the sole Republican in P-Town, I swear to God.

THOUGHTSY - That is why God in vented TiVo.

SCOTT - Jess lives in SoCal and has three kids under the age of 7. I'm lucky to get a damned phone call with her these days.

Kelly said...

Patchouli McRainbow just made my entire life. And Max should really stop doing his, uh, beauty routine (yeah, that's it!) in bed. And maybe try a combination of baking soda and club soda?

yougotsars said...

"You basically just wander around outside , lugging a bag, muttering and cursing"

This my dear is why I call golf "Whack-Fuck!"... that's how it sounds when you play (if we can call it playing)

And I'll pre-order my shirt now please.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Why are you not getting people hooked on Sons of Anarchy?
This is the most important question of my day.

Olive Oil out of sheets=warm water, bathtub, and salt. I shit you not.

I have useless information. Warm water and salt get almost everything out of anything.

Jen said...

KELLY - I actually went to high school with girls named Patchouli and Rainbow (no relation) I shit you not. Ahhh, Oregon...

SARS - I want a "Whack-Fuck!" T-shirt, please.

NINJA - Jess already loves "S.O.A." 'Cuz she's all rad and edgy and shit. Why am I not surprised that due to your hotel's clientele you know how to get lubricants out of cotton? ;)

wagthedad said...

Now I wish I ejaculated chocolate. That guy would rule the world.

mark said...

Wagthedad is right, that dude would conquer the world without ever getting out of bed.

You must recognize how important Clinton's administration was for comedic material, just like George W. Obama is leaving little to nothing on the table in this regard and is thus decimating the standup comedy industry America.

Frankie said...

I'm glad Max got over being dumped. Nothin says I'm over you than Olive oil lubed up on body parts. I'm glad he got the stuff off him. In any case another great post Jen!

Word Verification of the day:

Definition: Office Skank's latest VD. Symptoms: Tacky Tinkerbell hoodie accompanied by Hello Kitty crocks and uncontrollable stench from crotch area.

Erin H. said...

First... let me applaud you for your fabulous picture choice this one of my favorite blunt cards. Second this reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my friends I had the other day in which he called me "tree humping bunny fluffing liberal."

Charity Woosley said...

I was SO EXCITED that I hadn't heard the name Ann Coulter today, but then I read this post. Fail.

Also, I totally want to know about olive oil and the bed linens.

Jen said...

WAGS - You shall rule the world regardless of your inability to manufacture Hershey squirts.

MARK - Very true. From 1993-2001 the jokes just wrote themselves.

ERIN - "Bunny fluffing". . .I am SO stealing that the next time I call Jess. Genius!

CHARITY - For the sake of my sanity, Max and I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy vis-a-vis his sex life.

yougotsars said...

We can trade shirts for shivs... I see a charity in the making!

Misty said...

"That way, I can not give a shit about everything all at once." <------- WORD.

She sounds like coolsauce. Too bad BlogHer isn't in SD again this year (for so so many reasons), cuz we could all hang with her and have hilarity ensue. Don't doubt though, that one day I will make it over to P-Town and I demand to be able to hang with all of these peeps. I am breathless with anticipation just thinking about it.

Jen said...

MISTY - Jess is 31 Flavors and then some, to be sure. When you come to P-Town I will insust that Max keep it klassy...for him that means wearing underwear and not throwing up on your shoes. We don't ask much from him.

Wait...does that mean you've definitively decided to go to BlogHer!?!?!? SQUEE!!!!!!!

Suniverse said...

Are you going to BlogHer? I am. I don't want to talk politics, but I will mock people with you.

Jen said...

SUNI - I am booked and ready to rock-n-roll! Let the mockery commence!

Johi said...

@Misty- I want you to know that the blonde is really seeping into my brain. I read your comment and thought "Blog Her was in South Dakota? Fuck! I could have driven there!" and then I realized you meant San Diego....

@Jen- I snorted at all of this but 'Pathouli McRainbow' really warms mhy heart and fills me with joy. And that is my bunny fluffing liberal Erin up there. THe other one is hard core Republican. :) Love it.

Misty said...

I have not made the final decision on BlogHer, yet. I just meant IF I was going and it was in SD, etc. . . . I will make the decision by the end of next month. I have some pro/con lists to attend to (Con #1: cannot bunk with Jen and braid each other's hair and gossip about the cute boy in study hall. :p) But if I do go, the hubs WILL be getting that trip for me for the bday. He has already been informed.

Johi: You make me so proud. To be brunette, that is. :D

Jen said...

JOHI -South Dakota...heh-heh! I say blond shit like that all of the time. And I'm not even blond...this week anyway.

MISTY - If you go I promise to completely dis my family in favor of you and the rest of my blogging bitches. Kinda planned on dissing them anyway, so I'm just sayin'.

Andrea said...

Make sure the tshirts come in long sleeved as well please, and hurry!

Bill Dameron said...

And by liberal Republican you mean your love your gays, right?

Jen said...

ANDREA - Done! :)

BILL - Bitch, please. This is Portland. Every chica here has at least two 'Gusbands', Republican or not. ;)