Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Et tu, Target?

Dear Target,

You and I have always had a mutually exclusive relationship, but lately my ardor is beginning to fade. You aren’t the store I fell in love with, and lately I’ve found myself driving past Fred Meyer and Wal-Mart with thoughts of infidelity flitting through my mind.  I am concerned and disheartened by the following changes I’ve noted as of late. . .

1)   You now have these new pill bottles now where the top is the bottom and the bottom is the top and instead of being round like every other prescription bottle they're square so I keep thinking they're the vitamins and the tops are all individually color-coded for each family member and OMGWTFABCDEFG!?!?  By the time I figure out which prescription is mine and how to open the goddamned thing I'll be dead from whatever it was that required medication in the first place.

2)   Cadbury cream eggs in JANUARY!  OK, it's bad enough you have to bust out these jizz-filled chocolate shells every Easter, but January?  Really, Target?  As a nation we have brought down Saddamn Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, abolished slavery, and eradicated socialism; can't we do something about these confectionaries?  No one I know actually likes cream eggs, but every spring we buy them by the dozens out of some vernal obligation to the candy gods.  You are nothing better than a Cadbury pimp, Target. . .and yet again, I am your bitch.

3)   Your new environmentally-friendly-biodegradable shopping bags suck worse than an Amish whore.  Just once I would like to make it from the cash register to my car without my bag tearing open like the bomb bay doors on the Enola Gay; spewing out Archer Farms trail mix like a bulimic on Thanksgiving.

4)   Are you serious about those tip jars on the popcorn/hot dog counter?  Tell you what, if you are adding extra starch to my dry cleaning, whipping me up a decadent vanilla soy latte, or giving me a lap dance, then yes...I shall tip.  But if all you are doing is dumping some stale popcorn into a bag and taking 45 minutes to do it because you are "totally freaking out over last night's 'One Tree Hill'" with your co-worker then you can kiss 10% of my ass.

5)   Your 'Express" lane needs strict rules of enforcement.  The next time I get stuck in that line behind some octogenarian trying to pay for 75 cans of cat food with double coupons, Confederate bills, and a personal check from the First National Bank of Bangladesh I will truly lose my shit.

6)   Why must you keep changing your aisles around?  I go to Target for the same reason I worship at the shrine of Starbucks: consistency.  However, lately I wander through your doors whistling blithely like Andy Griffith and wind up leaving more confused and pissed off than Elin Woods. Is it absolutely necessary that I embark on a Hieronymus-Bosch-like odyssey in order to procure a tank top and some Missoni pumps?  And when I finally do find the items I desire, I invariably wind up at the one check out lane manned by a troglodyte with the interpersonal skills of Rainman.  I get it. . .it must be frustrating as hell to find the perfect red polo shirt to show off your tribal neck tattoo, but don’t take your angst out on me, Morrissey.

I still have much love for you Target ((*fist bump*)).  I know that in time, we can work this out.


PS: You might want to expand your hiring pool as well.  Judging by the Crips and Norteno gangstas I’ve seen manning the fitting rooms, lately you've become a little less Tar-zhey, and a little more Tar-ghetto.  I’m just sayin’…


Becca said...

I hear you and raise you a fist bump... but what I see here is Target trying to get all spicy and impetuous on your ass so ya'll don't get bored in this long term relationship. Although it's annoying, let's be glad she's not slipping into mom jeans and getting all frumpy. Although, we are going to have to have a serious discussion about the Crips, etc.

Misty said...

Why, Jen, why? Why all the angst at our beloved store? Why?

Biodegradable bags? What is this craziness you speak of? Methinks this might be a solely P-town thing, ma dear. Consider the source.

Still jealous that your Tar-jay has a Pizza Hut in it. That would make my life so much easier when I run by there after work and then still have to go home to make dinner. I am all about the ease of take-out. Luckily there is an Uno's next to my Target, but still. That involves getting out of the car again. And you know I'm a lazy bitch!! Pfft.

Jana said...

My target has groceries and the good ole plastic tarjay bags (for now)I just don't know if I want to buy meat and Monster High Dolls in one place. Not that I'm all Cali snooty, but I like grocery stores. I like chit chatting with the produce clerks rather than tracking down trannie joe to help me find the kumquats

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

I've never filled a prescription at Target and now know not to! Who wants to waste precious nanoseconds of their life flipping the bottle "upside down" to open it? It's not ketchup for God's sake, it's ok if the pills are at the "bottom."

Jen said...

BECCA - I am a creature of habit. I. . .I fear change.

MISTY - At least we still HAVE plastic bags (biodegradable or not), most P-Town stores have outlawed them, I shit you not. The Pizza Hut IS magical though. . .many a "family dinner" has been eaten there.

JANA - I fully dig the grocery aspect of my Target, too. Any way I can combine all of my suck-ass errands in one fell swoop is a beautiful thing.

Jaclyn said...

I worked in retail for more than a decade, and half of those were as a manager. Let me tell you something about those express lanes- they are fucking IMPOSSIBLE to enforce. Impossible.

The issue becomes, if the cashier calls out a person for having too many items and tells them to get off the line, they throw a fucking hissy about how YOU should have known they had too many items sooner because they waited on that line FOREVER. Because the cashier isn't going to notice until they get to the front of the line that they have too many items. So then they have to call me because the customer is making a scene and I get to spend 10 minutes trying to explain that the cashier is just trying to do their job and following policy and no, thank you very much, but I'd rather not go fuck myself. And then the rest of the line is pissed off because IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN LESS TIME TO JUST RING HER UP, which I have to do now anyway, because she is being such an insufferable whorebag about the whole thing and it's easier for me to get her the fuck out of the store and get the line moving again then to listen to every other person in the line weigh in on the subject, get huffy and move to another line where they complain about the competence of the manager (you know, me).

So yeah. I get that it's fucking annoying. And also that nobody should get kicked off the line for having 13 items instead of 12. But the people who get on an express line with 35 things DO NOT GIVE A FUCK about ruining your day, the cashier's day and the day of every other customer in that store. In fact, I think they fucking love making other people miserable. As a manager, there were very few policies I could not decide to override, and I've got to tell you, the fucking express lane was never ever worth the battle of kicking a customer off the line.

Kelly said...

If Targets stoops to the level of Walmart as far as ghettofabulous clientele, rearranging shit just to spite me, and considering pajamas as acceptable dress, I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I should start saving up for the 80 mile one way trip to Super Target. Ahhh...Super Target... *swoon*

Johi said...

You are hating on the Target?
No Jen.... come back....
And we have none of those issues (except maybe the Cadbury Eggs, I am unaware). I'm with Misty, I think it is P-Town that is the problem. Not Target. Come to Colorado..... the Targets here are nice.....

Andrea said...

Is the 5 cent credit on my $100 order for bringing my own bag really supposed to bring me back in Target? Just tell me I am awesome, that is worth way more (unless I am in a particularly foul mood, in which case I will still derive pleasuring from giving you a dirty look)

Jen said...

JACLYN - Having also worked in retail for waaaaay too many damned years, I hear ya. Some battles aren't worth fighting.

KELLY - I would give my left tit for a Super Target here in P-Town, no lie.

JOHI - Target and I aren't breaking up, just working on some issues with our relationship. You and Misty are right; it's the few liberal Tarzhays that spoil it for the rest of the corporate whores.

ANDREA - I will tell you you're awesome for free, Girlfriend. :)

Gia said...

Hahahah, I agree with everything here. I can't figure out those pill bottles at all from the picture. And the last thing you wanna do is keep me between my and my pills.

Brett Minor said...

I have a solution to enforce the express lane. When I go to the express lane, it is because I am in a hurry. I often would be willing to pay extra to go faster. Charge a couple of dollars to use that lane.

Second, tack a heft overage fee on products that go over the limit. Have it pre-programmed into the register that the cashier cannot over-ride and have signs up explaining this policy. If a person is charged $1 or even $2 per item that they are over, they will stop insisting that they can jump in that line.

Chillin'Villain said...

I work as a cashier part-time, and it is the worst. job. ev. er.

I've had a guy try to pay for 200 dollars woth of groceries with a 100 dollar bill, some dimes and pennies, and the lint from his pocket. He got angry that I would not give him all of 'his' groceries.

The lady that comes in every Sunday, gets into my line, and complains to my manager that I don't speak English. I'm sorry 'Hello' is not Engilsh enough for you. Take that up with Merriam-Webster, and for Pete's sake leave me alone.

The assholes on their cell phones who expect you to discern between their not-so-personal convo and their lenghty, unreasonable directives towards you. Get off your effing phone, jerk!

Underage college students, from my school, who ask me to let them buy alcohol. No amount of 'sweethearts', will make me swoon enough to wipe out my bank account and call the slammer 'Home'.

Scott Jung said...

Wow, they're putting a target in about 5 miles from my house, where the others are more like 15 currently. I drive by it every week and leave $100 in the parking lot. I don't care about the homeless, I just want to get in the habit.

I've come to dislike the Cadbury cream eggs, but that lion that clucks like a chicken with the rabbit ears on slays me every dang time.... I'm laughing now just thinking of it. I find it a bit dismaying that there is a marshmallow peep like the chicks and bunnies for every flipping holiday now though!

I could do an entire post on the marshmallow peeps...

My word today is ulogi, which is as everyone knows speaking at a funeral, but in text speak.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

All the Targets around here are either under construction or swapping their stock around to look like a Super Target. It's giving me fits because I don't want to walk the freaking Marine Corps Marathon just to find the toilet paper.

HOWEVER, we have a brand new local Super Target and it makes me so very happy (not least because their store brand milk and butter are rBST free). I think of it as the direct descendent of the old-time general store, where you could buy everything you needed and get yo ass home in time fer th' spring plantin.'

Jen said...

GIA - Word. You don't get between a bitch and her meds, yo.

BRETT - As usual, your evil genius astounds me. MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

C.V. - Oh God, the cell phone people! I once stood behind a woman at Target who discussed her venereal disease at great length on her phone. Thank you Scratchy McFunkypants, but that is more information than I care to have about ANYONE!

SCOTT - I have simply asked the university to send my paychecks to Target headquarters. It just seems far more expedient that way.

Charity Woosley said...

I had to write a post about thos fucking eggs one time.


On another note, I too, have noticed something going eerily wrong with Target. Also, why does the big girl section only contain a single shirt in 3 colors, and two pairs of pants, that may or may not be pregnancy pants? Hate.

Misty said...

Oh Scott - teach me your ways! I can't get out of that place under $200, even if I am only going in for Tide. How on earth do you manage a mere $100. That sounds like some sort of magic.

When I went in there before Christmas the employees started doing cartwheels from the excitement because they realized they were gonna be able to buy all their kids ipod touchs for Xmas!! I'm like motherfucking Santa, y'all.

Jo said...

*raising my hand* Love those stupid damned eggs. LOVE 'em! Don't know how I'm the only person in America who does, but I'm okay with that. More for me.
This is going on my record, isn't it?

Jen said...

CHARITY - I do OK with the clothing sizes but can N-E-V-E-R find the shoes I want in my size. Don't be hatin' on the 7 1/2s, Target!

MISTY - You put the 'ho' in ho-ho-ho. ;)

JO - It's a good thing you've already established your street-cred with me, Girl. Although I will admit to being a complete whore for the caramel eggs. Those things are money!

Misty said...

Takes one to know one! ;)

And of course we wear the same size shoes. Of course.

Leauxra said...

I ran in to Target for one thing, I was in a hurry. It's the closest store to work, what can I say. Anyway, there were three registers open, none of them express lanes, and they were full of people with 100 items or more.

I flagged down a manager as they were walking and showed them my mother's day card, "I just need to buy one thing, where are your express lanes?"

She looked at me blankly, "They're ALL express lanes, we are really fast."

I blinked. I pointed at the four carts in front of me, two of which were one person, bursting with food and crap.

She smiled and left. I followed her and handed her my card. "I'm going home."

No express lanes? I haven't been back to that Target since... well, Mother's Day. Target and I broke up. (except for that time I was in Flagstaff. Or anywhere other than at work).

mark said...

Tip jars? That crosses the line. I've come to expect the centurions in the express lane paying entirely with coins.

Jen said...

LEAUXRA - I could never fully break up with Target. It is like an abusive boyfriend; it takes my money and makes me feel like a whore but, damnit, I keep going back. Trust me, I speak from experience here, having been married to Gil for 10+ years.

MARK - Umm, I know, right? BTW, sorry I've been such a douche about commenting on your blog -- I've been reading, but work has been uber-crazy lately so I haven't been free to commeent without the Powers That Be giving me crap about perusing "non-University-related" sites. Whatev.

mark said...

No apology necessary, lately I've been about as regular in both blogging and commenting as an opioid addict after a binge. I'll aim to make Yelling Near You more university related.

thoughtsappear said...

Don't hate on the Cadbury Creme Eggs! I wish those things were out year round. That creme is liquid crack---I'm sure of it.