Monday, January 30, 2012

Fat Girl In a Little Coooooooat...


This weekend the short people were out of town so I took they opportunity to finally organize the filing cabinet drawer filled with photos. Whilst enjoying my little samba down memory lane, imagine my shock when I found a picture taken during my marriage of my ex-husband, Gil, with another woman.*

*For those of you just tuning in, my ex's name isn't really Gil; everyone's names (except for mine) are changed to protect the less-than-innocent. Jess actually came up with the name Gil. It's short for Massengil because he's such an immense douche.

Now, admittedly, it wasn't a HUGE shock to see a photo of Gil with his arms around some chica as when we were married he tapped more ass than a six-fingered proctologist. But there was something familiar about this young woman. . .something intriguing.

She was posing near a pool wearing a swimsuit top and shorts. Her arms were toned and tan and she had the slender, muscled legs of a dancer. She had the kind of breasts that seemed to defy gravity and each one of her six-pack abs were clearly defined. I was contemplating burning the photo in effigy when I looked at the young woman's face and realized "HOLY SHIT! That was ME!"

 Somehow, somewhere between my divorce and the present moment, that lithe little athlete whose weight dropped faster than Kirstie Alley on a greased firepole turned into the paragon of sloth that stands before you today. Granted, I'm a hell of a lot happier these days, but is it too much to ask to be happy AND hot? Yeah, I know, I'm more self-absorbed than a Swiffer mop, but it is time for a serious overhaul, because at this point I have so much chocolate and refined sugar in my system that they should hang me up and have a Mexican kid whack my ass with a stick.



I've been doing pretty well with this liver-cleansing diet my doctor has me on...*

*I even went on one of those two week raw juice fasts and do you know what I lost? Fourteen days of my life. . .and would someone please tell me why it's called a "fast", because that was the slowest two weeks of my goddamn life.

...but when I get tired or stressed then yo quiro Taco Bell, y'all. Kale and blueberries might be magically delicious, but let's face it: after effects notwithstanding, shitty food makes you feel fucking amazing. Junk food is like a codependent drinking buddy; he tosses an arm over your shoulder and says this round is on him. Don't worry! You can buy the next round, 'kay? The next thing you know, you're waking up on the couch; fat, lethargic, and totally clueless as to how you got there. Healthy eating is like your A.A. sponsor; he drags you off of the couch, slaps the shit out of you, and makes you twelve-step your ass to the produce aisle. Crappy eating is purely emotion-driven with little regard to nutrition or actual hunger. In fact, I would venture a guess that if we took a souped-up DeLorean "back to the future" when humans have evolved to far that they no longer actually ingest food orally we'd still see an entire nation of people sporting backtits and FUPAs. Because Americans are, by and large, a hedonistic species. We like instant gratification,*

*As evidenced by our creation of microwaveable mac-n-cheese and drive-thru liquor stores. "U-S-A! U-S-A!"

I know that the only answer to weight loss is a slow and steady regimen of reduced dietary intake and increased physical activity, but at this point it just seems more expedient to start smoking crack. Anyhoo, since giving up Crunchwrap Supremes will not be happening any time in the immediate future, it looks like it's time to mix up my exercise routine a scootch.*

*And by 'scootch' I mean actually start one. Lately my only form of exercise has been jogging my memory about how much I fucking hate to exercise, eating a peanut butter sandwich, and going back to bed. Cross training!

My friend Kelly swears by Spinning class and claims it took her down two dress sizes. Yeah, I tried a Spinning class one time. One. Damn. Time. Sure, at first I felt pretty good; had a nice little sweat breaking. . .then the instructor screamed "HILL!" and we started amping up until my heart was skipping faster than Harvey Fierstein on his way to a Cher concert. About twenty minutes into class I slithered off of the bike, stumbled my way into the locker room, and spent the next ten minutes doubled over puking like I was George Bush and that toilet was the Japanese Prime Minister. Suffice to say, I did not attempt that class again.


                                                     Pretty sure this is how I look doing Zumba.


I kinda dig Zumba, but every time I take a class I wind up next to some Stretch Armstrong-y leathery she-beast that smells like Patchouli oil and for the next six hours my joints start popping like a Saturday Night Special going off at a North Portland parking lot. That shit ain't right. By and large, when it comes to exercise I am about as social as Howard Hughes during cold and flu season so I prefer the more solitary activity of running. Sadly, as I am also a princess who doesn't like to get her hair wet and lives somewhere where it rains nine months out of the year, my outdoor running is limited to the months of June to August.

Usually I am OK logging some decent mileage on the treadmill, but every time I go to the rec center, invariably some asshat has tuned every TV in the joint to CNN and hidden the remotes in some Osama bin Laden-esque spider hole so they can't be changed. Now, liberal politics aside, it is impossible to exercise to CNN without having a coronary every thirty seconds when they bust in with a "LIVE SPECIAL REPORT!" Thank you, Wolf Blitzer, but I don't need to go into instant defib each time you deliver the ground-breaking news that there is still a war going on in Iraq. Until I hear otherwise, I'm just going to assume they're getting bombed like Lindsay Lohan on a three-day weekend and leave it at that. And the music the rec center plays? Bitch, please. I'm sure someone went to a lot of trouble to find the perfect blend of OutKast and The Baja Men on their Pandora station, but it makes me want to slam my head against the weight bench. I can not stand exercising to music. The only reason I wear an iPod is so that I can ignore people without looking like an asshole.

I know that eventually I will have to accept the fact that I no longer have the body or the metabolism that I had in my early thirties but damn it, I'm just not that mature yet. So for now I will continue to chase that elusive rainbow until passersby wonder how that wildebeest with hypothyroidism escaped from the Portland Zoo and what it's doing running through town with a tuneless iPod.

Feel the burn.

44 comments:

Heather Rose said...

I miss my college arms and lack of love handles.

When I was 117 lbs, I was one of the skinny people at the gym, which made it so much easier to go. Now I'm one of the chunky people I used to snort at and go 'yeah, that's not working, sweetheart.'

But now I have Jillian Michaels on DVD, and other than the logistical difficulties of trying to do jumping jacks in a 2' x 2' space, I love her and her homoerotic encouragement.

Gia said...

That's why I don't do the gym. I hate people.

Bloggertobenamedlater said...

I am constantly going on adventures all over the place with my intensely fit husband who, tragically, has an ass smaller than mine. Nothing is more annoying that seeing photos of yourself next to someone in amazing condition. Of course, he does not have lupus, he works out 2 hours a day and he climbs mountains for fun. I on the other hand take drugs to keep my body functioning that would make his hair fall out, and yet I still get up and slog out 18 hour days. No one has ever described me as perky or willowy or any of those adjectives. I always wanted to be 6 foot tall, blonde and blue eyed and by those standards, I'm a genetic failure. I made peace with the fact that I am never going to have a perfect body, but so long as I can see my toes and actually touch them, it's all good.

Angie said...

I swear by home gym equipment and my own TV. I would give up a kidney, part of a lung, and half of my liver (the half I've already f*cked up of course) to avoid sharing equipment with those assholes at the fitness center. I'm not a sharer. I am not a considerate person. Give me History Channel and a treadmill and I'll show you sweating to the oldies.

PS... my work computer thinks your picture is adult content and has blocked the pic. Do you have your boobs on display? Now I'm just dying to know!

Jen said...

HEATHER - I would LOVE to work out at home but have downstairs neighbors that go batshit crazy if I even WALK in my apartment. Meh... And Jillian Michaels scares me; in a not-unpleasant way.

GIA - Amen. I have the social skills of a wolverine with Tourettes.

BLOGGER - I would love to be that self-aware but I am a vain, shallow, little person. C'est la vie! :)

ANGIE - It's Chris Farley dancing in the SNL "Chippendales" skit. Heh-heh-heh!

Jana said...

I miss my college days when I could drink, stay up all night and eat all the crap I wanted. Now, I have my 6 year old everytime an excersie commerical comes on saying, "Look Mommy, they can do it" Yeah, little bitch I am sure they can but Mommy likes her wine and the sofa. Maybe, I will get up early and go to the gym....HA HA...maybe I'll just hit the snooze button instead.

Kelly said...

Jillian Michaels scares me. As in the stuff nightmares are made of. However, should Dolvett become my trainer, I think I could come up with an alternative workout that he can help me with. (brownchickenbrowncow)

It would probably also help if Hubs would be "GO WORK OUT! YOU CAN DO IT!" rather than "can we have taquitos for dinner?" /facepalm

Charity Woosley said...

I don't miss the old me. SUre, I mighta been a hundred pounds soaking wet, but I was also unhappy as fuck. Now, I'm a happy, chunky girl, who's lost 50 pounds in the last 6 months. I haven't exercised (at all, period), I still eat shitty food, (I love me some chicken tenders or anything fried). I just stopped a lot of sodas, I'm cutting down sugar a lot, and I'm exercising some portion control.

You can do it without being miserable. Just think about the empty calories you are using up (starbucks, for example- if you drink those froo-froo coffees- maybe switch to regular coffee with splenda and 2% milk)

Misty said...

At least you HAVE a picture like that! Pfft.

And don't be talking smack about my easy-mac, bitch. I'll cut a ho.

I also took ONE spin class. One. Nope, never going back to that torture.

I actually think you should exercise at home. Right about the time that you get a strong whiff of cannabis coming through the vents, start jumping around to some intense cardio. Those bitches downstairs will be getting a case of the paranoia so badly they will probably have heart attacks. Killing 2 birds. Literally. Problem solved! :)

Jen said...

JANA - I love you so much for calling your daughter a little bitch. ((*fist bump*))

KELLY - Aaaaaaand, now I'm craving taquitos. Shit.

CHARITY - I drink decaf (fucking liver) black coffee these days but fo' schizz' need to lay off the Taco Bell and the Ben & Jerry's. I don't want to BE the old me, just LOOK like her. . .without the douche in the photo, of course.

MISTY - Easy Mac and Uncrustable frozen sandwiches are the wind beneath my fucking wings. And now if you'll excuse me I'm going to start speaking in tongues through the heating vents to see if I can't make my neighbors lose their shit. ;)

Jennifer said...

I love you! I have some of those pictures too. I hate that skinny bitch. Who is she to stare back at me all these years later with that "Well look at me" smile?

And spinning class = vaginal torture.

XO

lazysubculturalgirl said...

I'd like to have my old body back, too. I don't mind the extra pounds as much as I mind the cranky stomach, creaky bladder and lack of sleep. What I really miss is being able to drink my body weight in alcohol, eat a truckload of TGIF appetizers, and still get up in the morning feeling like a damn human being and not like a horrific gene splicing experiment.

If I could go back in time, I would be like the bad angel on my own shoulder. "You need to drink more....have another taquito....this shit is going away soon, enjoy it now! More chocolate!"

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

I also took one whole spinning class - never again. Now we have an exercise bike at home and I casually pedal and read blog posts and watch reruns of 30 Rock. In other words, I burn about as many calories as when I stand still.

Bill Dameron said...

You already know it. No easy answers. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". Why not just take it out on us bleeding heart liberals while you are working out? Turn on CNN, pump some iron and think about how you'd like to throw that weight at Anderson Cooper? I'm not lifting weights, I'm throwing Newt Gingrich through the ceiling. :) I'm working up to Chris Christie.....

Jen said...

JENNIFER - Spinning classes should be sponsored by Vagisil.

ANDI - I can't believe I used to think I was fat in high school. Bitch, please. I'd take that "fat" ass back in a heartbeat.

CARRIE - You burn calories blogging, right?. . .C'mon, RIGHT!?!?

BILL - Anyone who says "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" has obviously never had the spring rolls from the Vietnamese fodd cart next to my office. They are my Kryptonite.

Brandon S. said...

Steve decided that I had to start going to an ab class with him. It hurt. I hated him.

So I took him to yoga with me and said "stretch bitch". Yeah.... let's just say he's not so mean anymore.

Tainted Fibers said...

I was a skinny girl too. For a long time, till about 52.... then I quit smoking, and menopause on toppa that, I am a chunky granny now. Working on getting it off, but I am not an athlete. I despise classes, I look like a dork. I do go to the gym though, I don't mind that, and actually like going. Just don't put me in a class with a bunch of hopping fools or cycle freaks.

Jaclyn said...

There are bitches at my gym who do Zumba barefoot. Nasty.

Also, we've all seen your picture. Stop lying. You are fucking hot.

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

I love working out, but I also love to eat. I work out harder so I can eat more. All I really do is maintain the same weight. Which I am ok with, since I have the worst sweet tooth ever.

Vesta Vayne said...

I dislike the gym because I am clumsy. Once, while talking to someone while I was running on the treadmill, I turned my head, got thrown off balance, and was flung off the machine and into the one behind me. Talk about embarrassing, not to mention painful.

How about a stationary bike at home? I read on my kindle while pedaling to break the monotony.

Jo said...

I'm allergic to exercise. It's not a curable allergy. It's NOT, damnit!

Jen said...

BRANDON - Jesus, if you'll even SPEAK to him after being subjected to an ab class, that, my friend, is true love.

TAINTED - I still think I'm 24. . .when am I going to get over that shit?

JACLYN - Thanks, girl. It doesn't help that we have a new intern that keeps bitching about how she can't gain weight no matter how hard she tries. I want to shove her head in the laminator.

ALLY - I need to find that "break even" point instead of the "rapidly expanding" point I'm currently at.

VESTA - I live in an upstairs apartment so exercising at home isn't really an option. :(

JO - For me, my sloth is a pre-existing condition. I was a lazy bastard as a kid, too. Meh...

Scott Jung said...

Gyms have either the unspeaking muscle bound trolls or the "hey don't I look good, maybe I should talk to you" trolls. And then there's the men...

I'll tell you what I tell everyone else. In-shape doesn't necessarily mean thin. Google "fat burning heart rate" and you'll be amazed that you can actually work out too hard. A decent walk is far better to remove the handles.

WG
http://itsmynd.com

Brett Minor said...

i joined Tae Kwon Do with my son a few years back. I thought I was going to die 10 minutes into it. Since it was a father son bonding thing, I kept going back. It took a month before I could stay on my feet through the entire session. Another months where I could do it without my chest feeling like it was going to explode. In the end it was worth it, but it was hell getting there.

Andrea said...

20 years ago I chose to wear my clothes so big that it is difficult to discern exactly what size I actually was...phew!

And thank you for the breakdown on spinning...I hear people say they love it, but obviously they are rock solid liars!!!! You saved me a lot of despair on that one!

Pish Posh said...

You're so cute. I agree with everything and feel the same way. I used to be soooo hot. I too survived an abusive relationship - and it took its toll on me sloth-wise as I avoided working out and healthy things to cope.

Now I can't motivate myself to get into the gym, even though I can't fit in my pants and my taut skin has become serious flab, because yes Spin sucks, Zumba is awesome but too popular and you're gonna get whacked in the face, and no offense but in my gym everything is turned to Fox and I work out to get to a good feeling not a psycho angry yelling at the tv in public one.

I tried the fasts too. I got a headache and a bad attitude, fast.

What do we do? If I had more friends here I would walk but I do not and its cold as balls.

Jen said...

SCOTT - The cruel irony is that I'm actually in better shape (completing 2 marathons/triathlons a year) than I was five years ago, but about two sizes bigger. I wish I wasn't such a vain S.O.B. but it is what it is.

BRETT - With my anger management issues martial arts could be dangerous.

ANDREA - Spin sucks turtle scrotums. Just say 'No'.

PISH POSH - If we lived near each other I would totally power walk with you! Followed, of course, by a hearty breakfast of pancakes and bacon. ;)

yougotsars said...

It took my little brother committing to run a 1/2 marathon last year when he hadn't done any real exercise in 15 years, to pull my head out. He needed motivation and mentoring, I needed someone who would actually go so I did not have to face "the frat house" as the only tattooed person. He has waaaay more than I.

Now he loves it and we bond... but lest you think this has me anywhere near the weight I was at 20, uh-no. The last time I saw 105was the first time the wr-ex hub called me fat. I too have dysmorphic issues but am not so worried as I used to be. I still get carded so that is good enough.

Brandon S. said...

I'm supposed to speak to him after?

Meg said...

I need to drag my ass to the gym so bad. I've got every excuse not to, but I got depressing news from the doctor yesterday, so it's time. I want to have a screaming, crying fit, but unfortunately, that won't help me lose weight.

Johi said...

We actually have a gym membership this month because I bought one on Living social for $24 for the two of us. Brock is spending 2 hours a day there. I went three times, putting the kids into child care and now am stricken with some flu-like disease that they apparently picked up from licking the toys. Yay. I prefer my own treadmill and my own selection of DVRed crap TV, thankyouverymuch.

Ginny said...

I'm thinking at 27 I should give up on six pack abs.

Now what's for lunch?

Kari said...

I think everyone hit my thoughts on most of this, but your pic of Chris Farley as the example of what you look like at Zumba made me laugh out loud. I want so much to like that class but it only reinforces how goddamn uncoordinated I am. My previous mental image (of me) had been a chicken sans head. I'm a runner like you but I live in N New England and it's cold and rough on the knees for alot of the year. When I first joined FB I realized that everyone was using their ten (or older)year old pictures as their profile pics ... I too used to be hot and skinny. Now I'm forty two and glad my boobs aren't around my waist! And to second someone, from your picture you're being way too hard on yourself. There really aren't that many chubby marathoners, I'm tellin' ya.

Jen said...

SARS - I almost want to start drinking again so I can possibly be carded. It would make my year.

BRANDON - I love you.

MEG - A well-thrown tantrum is ABSOLUTELY cardiovascular! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. ;)

JOHI - Shitty reality TV is the ONLY thing that keeps me going during a workout. Tru dat.

GINNY - Amen. (*fist bump*) Now pass the nachos.

KARI - At 41 the fact that my breasts aren't draped over my kneecaps is an accomplishment in and of itself. I'm not going to end up on Discovery Health, but it's just those persistent 10-15 pounds that are driving me batshit crazy.

Candice said...

I have never tried spinning class as I am rather afraid of the instructors I see. I ride a stationary bike at home, do yoga a couple times a week and play volleyball. I don't know if it is working as my metabolism went from slow to non-existent once I hit thirty and I avoid the scale in the mornings like it's the plague.

I hope you can find something you enjoy doing more than through the months of June-August! Good luck!!

Every time they hide the remote at the rec center and the tv is stuck on CNN, you should yell, "Oh, my God! Look!" every time they do a special report.

Jen said...

CANDICE - I've thought about playing "slug bug"; every time Wolf Blitzer or Nancy Grace does a breaking report I jump off of the Stairmaster and smack the crap out of the guy next to me.

Charity Woosley said...

Also, skinny women who cry about being fat make me want to punch you. I love you Jen, more than most people I stalk on the net, but if we were in the same room, I'd def throat punch you. With love.

Jen said...

CHARITY - I'd punch you back...and maybe pull your hair a little too 'cuz that's just how I roll. But then we'd hug it out like the classy bitches we are and go get ice cream. :)

Charity Woosley said...

I can't fucking have ice cream, unless it's the sugar free kind. Clemmy's. Sugar Free, Gluten Free, and Lactose Free. I know it sounds heinous, but it's fucking delicious. They have the best dreamsicle ice cream I've ever had. And it's in a pint container.

Jim said...

*sigh* I miss that great big fat funny guy. . . living at the van down by the river. . . um. . . in the sky.

My 2012 resolution involved losing 15 pounds. In order to meet that goal i first gained 15 extra pounds by the end of December to make it easier.

Jen said...

JIM - I see your 15 and raise you 5 more. Blecch...

mark said...

You referenced FUPA! Haven't seen that for a while, thanks for the memories, and reminding me to get a move on my workout routine of channel surfing and couch sitting.

Anonymous said...

This may be a little off topic, but why compare your ex to something that can provide a woman care and comfort (douche). Maybe you should call him an ass wipe. However, even that is a positive activity. Ass is dirty. You wipe. Ass is clean. Hurray. Foot fungus. That's it. Foot fungus. Your ex is foot fungus. Thank you for listening.

Jen said...

ANONYMOUS - I think I love you...just 'cuz you hate my ex. I'm kinda easy like that. :)