Saturday, January 21, 2012

"Wheel! Of! FORTUNE!!!"



Fame is a crazy thing, isn't it? Civilians crave it, celebrities bemoan it, and like power, fame can corrupt absolutely. We all have seen what fame did to people like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. And Drew Barrymore has probably been in Betty Ford more than Gerald Ford was. So why do we all continue to chase that elusive Golden Ticket out of obscurity? Because fame = power. But as it says in the Bible, "With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility"*

*...oh, wait. No, that was Spiderman. Anyhoo...

I have always been a whore for the spotlight. For many people, getting in front of a crowd and making a jackass of yourself is more nerve-racking than a Bosnian beer run, but it gives me such a high that it makes crystal meth look like Pop Rocks. So that is why I took last Thursday off to head to the callbacks for "Wheel! Of! FORTUNE!!!" Honestly, the timing couldn't be better because after Christmas, tuition, and a rent increase, I am about one paycheck away from living under the Hawthorne Bridge in a dwelling with walls that read "This End Up". Momma needs a new pair of Prada heels, y'all!

When I got to the hotel in Eugene for the audition, I noted with no lack of irony that it was being held in the same ballroom that had housed my wedding reception years before. Hopefully this event would be the sage burning that cleansed the Ghost of Psychos Past from the building. They packed over 200 of us pinheads in that room like circus clowns in a Mini Cooper and proceeded to show us a "Wheel" montage intended to get us fired up. And fired up we were, by God. Each and every person in that room was as vainglorious and fame-hungry as I and it was a beautiful sight indeed. Then they split us into groups for some simulated games and that, my friends, was what separated the wheat from the Wonder Bread.



The jokes just write themselves, folks.

We all know the world is filled with stupid people; just look at all of those dipshits driving 55 MPH in the left lane and asking for a price check at the Dollar Store. We live in a country where calling someone "phat" and "sick" is a compliment and calling them "Einstein" is an insult, for Christ's sake. And the stupid people were there in droves. Veritable DROVES, I tell you! I was in a group that probably had the collective IQ of the Kardashian sisters on NyQuil. When faced with the following puzzle:

M Y    L U _ K    I S    A _ O U T    T O    _ H A N G E

the woman to my left actually responded with a resounding "My life is a lot to handle!" Seriously? And she was one of the better ones! Is it just me, or are there more stupid people these days? She then proceeded to tell me that she had seven children under the age of twelve and was pregnant AGAIN. Now, I know it's your body and no one can regulate your procreation and yadda-yadda-yadda, but the thought of this troglodyte shooting out babies like a fucking Pez dispenser was disturbing on so many levels. Shouldn't there be a test before you're allowed to breed? Or even a three-day waiting period?*

*Ooh! They could call it the Brady Bunch Bill!


Sorry, I digressed for a moment there. So, after our lightning rounds they had us all sit down and take a timed, written test where we basically had to fill in the blanks on some really challenging puzzles like:

Famous Person: T _ M    C R _ _ S E

I was feeling pretty bad-ass at this point, but let's be honest; being the smartest one on the "Wheel of Fortune" is a little like being valedictorian of the GED class. It is the shallowest of victories. After the timed test we had a twenty minute break; just long enough for me to hit the neighboring Starbucks ("Holla!") and gab with the 20-something hipster in my group. He was "totally stoked" because he'd been crashing on his friend's couch and since every contestant on "Wheel" gets a thousand dollars just for showing up he's "gonna use the money to buy a rad house". Amber Alert, Kato Kaelin. $1000 won't buy you a plastic house on Baltic Avenue, let alone the swingin' bachelor pad you've conjured up in your withered, PBR-soaked brain. I'd put off packing 'cuz it doesn't look like you'll be movin' on up to the Eeeeeaaaast Side any time soon.

When we came back the powers that be made the first round of cuts. Bye-bye, Octomom. Peace out, hipster dude. In the end there were about 35 of us left standing. Then they came around and had us fill out our paperwork and show our photo IDs. These people were hard-core, yo! They scoured my driver's license with an intensity that would make the San Diego Border Patrol look like Wal-Mart greeters. It's "Wheel of Fortune" for sobbing out loud; not a job application for the CIA.


Oh, Jeebus, PLEASE let there be an 'S'.

"I don't have any ID" said the young man to my right. "Is that gonna be a problem?"  Wait...what? Who doesn't have ID? What are you, some David Carradine flunkie nomdically roaming the Earth? Maybe "all who wander are not lost" but how about wandering your sorry ass into a DMV, Frodo. One of the women started whispering to her friend that she was going to flirt with the one man in the casting crew. She giggled that she was an actress and just KNEW this would be her big break! Dream big, Babe. But I hate to tell you, the Channel 9 casting toadie can't get you into Ellen's green room; shit, that dude probably couldn't get you into CostCo. I'd start finding another casting couch to spread-eagle on if I were you.

After ensuring that we were in fact, who we claimed to be, they conducted individual interviews and played more simulated rounds of the game. As this was going on they kept making cuts and people were disappearing faster than a box of doughnuts at an AA meeting. One woman had a laugh like Pee-Wee Herman getting a knob-job from a belt sander -- OUT! One other guy was so lethargic I was tempted to hold a mirror under his nose to see if he was breathing. Go to Starbucks, get a quad-shot Americano, and wake the fuck up, Homeslice -- OUT! The puzzle is M _ S S _ S S _ P P _   R _ V E R and you ask to buy an 'A'? -- Oh, HELL to the OUT! In the end, there were only 15 potential contestants left. Say 'hello' to number 12, bitches!

So now, I wait. We were told that if we are chosen, we will be notified by mail within two weeks. No letter = no wheel. As I am at that awkward stage in life: too old for "The Real World", too stupid for "Jeopardy" and too sober for "Intervention", this may be my only hope for seeing my sorry ass on the tee-vee. And trust me, viewer discretion will be advised.

28 comments:

Gia said...

AHHHH that' so exciting! I hope you make it!

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

Ah, I'm sure you'll make it. What was the qualification to get to that stage? Sounds like they could have thinned out the herd sooner!

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

I am really good at crosswords. I know over 50 percent of the answers (or questions) on Jeopardy.

However, I suck at Wheel Of Fortune.

I am impressed you made it this far.

Jen said...

GIA - Thanks, Girl!

CARRIE - People either auditioned at the Oregon Coast casinos, at OSU or the U of O, or sent in videos. We were the creme de la creme apparently. A sobering thought.

ALLY - I kick ass at 'Cash Cab' but 'Jeopardy'? Not so much.

Kelly said...

You are totally my Kevin Bacon. So excited for you! And coffee??? Shame, shame...

mark said...

Totally agree with you - there are more stupid people. We yelled at one today to shame him in front of his family for not waiting for me to back out (I was already half way) but instead he gunned it so he could swerve and get around me. You're messing with the wrong white folk, Volvo driver. You're going to get selected and I can't wait for the viewing party!

namaste said...

jen, this was such a cool post to read! i was all smiling like gomer p. the whole time! i am very excited for you. i am POSITIVE you will receive your letter in two weeks. if you don't that will be just one more fuckin reminder to me that stupid is more marketable and entertaining than smart. whatever the outcome you are a stone cold celebrity in my book! wooo-hooooo!! go jen!!

Tainted Fibers said...

OMG I am so excited for you! And for meme! Because I read your blog! Yes. I excite easily!

Scott Jung said...

_w_s_me!

Yeah, I roll like that! I know you'll make it on the show and if you don't they're dumber than wonder nuts with no ID.

Just in case ou should start collecting stuff so you can still make it on to Hoarders...

WG
http://itsmynd.com

My word today is mazed, like I was mazed that my trailer could sail that high in the twister.

Jen said...

KELLY - It was a decaf soy latte. I was a good girl!

MARK - Love to hear a good Canadian road rage story. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. :)

NAMASTE - Yea! Thanks, Sweetie! Smiling like Gomer P...heh-heh-heh!

T. FIBERS - I'm excited too! For me...and you...oh shit, I'm easily excited as well!

SCOTT - _W_S_ME for the win. :) I could never bee on Hoarders. Every time I watch that show I lose my shit and wind up obsessively cleaning for an hour.

Bloggertobenamedlater said...

That is completely awesome. I will make an offering in your honor. Of course, it will be a self-serving offering (brownies), but I'll leave one out for the Gods in the hopes that you get your golden ticket via mail.

Rhonda said...

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo jealous!!!!!!!! I can kick some ASSSSSS on the Wheel!

Jeopardy- my mom used to call me for answers hahaaa she's in CA im in Ohio so it's 3 hrs ahead here. It worked for about a month before my dad caught on. lmao

GOOD LUCK!! I cant wait to tell everyone "HEY!!! I KINDA KNOW HER!" hahaa

chemgirljaime said...

you are going to fucking rock that shit!

Brett Minor said...

That is so exciting. I hope you make it. I guess I need to pay attention for local auditions for game shows.

Jen said...

RHONDA - Your mom sounds like the bomb. That's totally the kind of sneaky shit my mom would pull too.

JAIME - Holla!

BRETT - Go online; there are a shit ton of game shows out there looking for contestants.

Misty said...

As if I needed any more evidence that we are soul mates . . . 12 is my lucky number! :)

You will totally make it! Can I go with when you win that trip to Hawaii?

Oh, and stupid is the norm now. We are in the vast minority. I fear for the continued survival of our species . . . our species being smart, educated, well-spoken peeps. We're becoming like dinosaurs.

Jen said...

MISTY "RAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!!!!" Those were my dino noises. Yeah, they need some work.

Hellz to the YEAH you're coming with me to Hawaii! You think I'd bring the short people? Pfft! Not so much.

Chillin'Villain said...

Just think...pretty soon you'll be so famous, Nathan will be dying to meet YOU!!!

Break A Leg of your smart self. I've heard it's good luck ;-)

Nadine said...

I hope you make it! I tried out for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" 10 years ago when it was still vaguely relevant and somehow didn't make it. The questions on their Gameshow SAT are harder than the ones on the show. Why am I doing math?!

thoughtsappear said...

I hope you receive your letter soon! When you make it big, can I be your agent, admin assistant, sidekick, or something similar?

Metamorphosis said...

This is SO super awesome.

Metamorphosis said...

goddamn it. I have GOT to change my google profile back to my name.

CiCi said...

I'm sure you had a field day just people watching while you waited Jen! Congrats on making it as far as you have! I'm sure you'll get that letter in the mail soon! It just HAS to happen becuase you're rad like that!

Jana said...

Crossing my fingers for you!!

Heather Rose said...

I really want to know what the answer to the obviously-not-asshole-unless-Vanna-has-a-twisted-sense-of-humor puzzle is.

Also, I took the Jeopardy online test and will most likely not be joining you in your TV gameshow fame, so I plan to live vicariously through you. You better make it, damnit!

Jen said...

C.V. - Nathan is watching over me from my cubicle shrine even as we speak. :)

NADINE - Is "Millionaire" still on the air? I LOVED that show! I hope that I can do us all proud and make the final cut.

THOUGHTSY - You can be my stylist so we have an excuse to go shopping...like I really need an excuse.

META/CHARITY - You can't hide, I KNOW IT'S YOU!!!

CICI - Use your mad dancin' skillz to do a tribal letter of acceptance dance. C'mon, Wheel; don't leave me hangin'.

JANA - Thanks, chica! ;)

HEATHER - It was 'manhole'. Meh...

Becca said...

OMG I think I may be more excited than you by this. I'll fully be expecting a shout out. You're going to be fabulous! And obviously you're going to get chosen.... duh...

Johi said...

I can't freaking WAIT to see you on my television. I'm soooo popping popcorn for that! And we all know that you will be selected. If not, I'm totally boycotting WOF.