Monday, February 27, 2012

Morgan Freeman Tried To Kill Me

My friend Kelly is one of the few people on the planet who forces me out of my self-imposed agoraphobia and insists that I interact with society.  She has introduced me to such anxiety-inducing situations as team sports, communal dining ((shudder)) and is the only human being stumbling over this pebble we call Earth who could EVER convince me to join her and our coterie of short people at the Children’s Museum on a busy Saturday afternoon.*

*I like the idea of a Children’s Museum in theory, but I don’t know how the short people can breathe inside those little glass cases.

It was on one such Saturday while Kelly and I were judiciously neglecting our children over lattes when she raved about this “AMAZING” new gym near her house.  She asked if I’d heard of it.

I admitted that I drive past it every day on the way to work.  Every time I see it I think “Wow, that sounds like a great workout.”  Of course, those thoughts are generally followed by me taking a hearty swig of my white chocolate mocha before cruising to Taco Bell for my breakfast burrito.  Kelly had obviously taken a venti shot of their Kool-Aid however, as she continued to rave about this place like the sons of bitches invented TiVo.*

*Actually, that was Tim Voltaire. . .don’t ask how I know this.  Me love you long time, Timmy.

So, in the interest of research, and to shut Kelly up, I agreed to go with her the next time she worked out.  In truth I wasn’t sure at first but then she presented me with a pass for a complimentary personal training session and if there is one thing I love more than Nathan Fillion and Target combined, it is free stuff. Yeah, I sold out. Apparently I’m starting to get more gracious and social. . .I’ve gotta watch that shit.

So the next morning at the butt crack of dawn, I dropped off the short people with Kelly’s husband and we headed to the gym.  I am a morning exerciser, always have been.  There is nothing like that feeling of looking out of my office window at the people jogging by and thinking “BOO-yah!  Already did it, suckahs!”  That is also the reason why I really hope that when I die it happens in the morning because I’d be wicked pissed if I worked out that day for no reason.

The second we walked through the door I knew I was screwed.  This was not your typical Stairmaster and Zumba gym.  Let’s just say the clientele looked like this:

While I was busy explaining to Kelly that I was not, in fact, trying out for the Baltimore Ravens, my trainer approached and oh dear Sweet Mother Mary in a mojito he looked EXACTLY like Morgan Freeman.  Ex.  Act.  Ly.  He pulled me aside for some basic health and fitness questions which I may or may not have answered because every time he opened his mouth all I heard was And they will march just as they have done for centuries, ever since the emperor penguin decided to stay, to live and love in the harshest place on Earth”.

MORGAN: Do you have any health restrictions?

ME: Umm, like what?

MORGAN: Have you suffered from heart or lung disease?  Diabetes?  Any history of fainting or dizzy spells.

ME: Just that one time in college.  But that could have been because of the Jager. . .or the Captain Morgan. . .Ooh!  Or the. . .

MORGAN: That’s OK, I’ve got it.  Are you committed to a long-term fitness plan?

ME: Not really.  I mean, I figure time will take care of it.


ME: Yeah, you know, science and stuff?  I figure if they can use stem cells for everything from curing MS to growing spinal cords in Democrats then they can eventually find one that will give me Gabby Reese's abs.

MORGAN: . . .

ME: Before we get started, could you just say I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.”?

You know who it’s NOT a good idea to annoy at 6:00am?  The man who’s about to kick your ass like a red-headed stepchild.  Lesson learned.  He started out by doing a “light” warm-up on one of the recumbent bike.  I personally find these fucking bikes to be annoying in many ways.  Do you want to lie down?  Then get a couch.  If you want to ride a bike, get a REAL bike. This passive-aggressive hippie-dippie recumbant bike filled me with such rage that I tore it up so fast that I left the tires balder than Hugh Hefner fleeing a three a.m. fire at the Playboy Mansion.  Take that, Mr. Freeman!  After what I was convinced was an epic display of my cardiovascular superiority, Morgan led me to the resistance equipment.

MORGAN: Have you done any resistance interval training?

ME: No, not really.  I mostly stick to running and yoga.  I tried Zumba once but I looked I look like someone’s creepy Cousin Eddie dry-humping the bridesmaids at a wedding.

MORGAN: Oh. . .I. . .well, here we focus a lot more on cross-training.

ME: Cross training, huh?  Hey, I bet Jesus coulda used some of that!  (snickering with delight over my witticism)  Oh, is that a tattoo of a crucifix?  Yeah, umm. . .OK. . .

You know who ELSE it’s NOT a good idea to annoy at 6:00am?  The fundamentalist Christian who is now looking at you and envisioning your sorry ass spinning for all eternity on Satan’s rotisserie.  So, maybe the lesson wasn’t learned.  I’m not that bright.

"Drop and give me twenty or I'll go all "Se7en" on your ass, Gwyneth!"

Morgan began leading me through a series of exercises that had every muscle in my body howling like Newt Gingrich at NARAL rally.  Morgan kept using the phrase "the perfect storm".  It was "the perfect storm" of lunges and squats, "the perfect storm" of planks and crunches, "the perfect storm of resistance and interval training. . .When did this phrase become the catchall for multiple shitty things happening at once?  And what did people call this stuff before that craptacular George Clooney movie came out?  These are the sort of things I ponder whilst trying to ignore the sound of my ass muscles shrieking like Celine Dion getting a Brazilian wax.  Morgan tried to lighten the mood by asking about my short people and my work but seriously? Please don't make small talk when you're hovering over my breasts and spotting me on a bench press.  We aren't having a bonding moment; we are simply joint participants in an act of sadomasochism so let's just agree to stare awkwardly into the distance until this unpleasantness is behind us.

At the end of our session. Morgan and I sat down to talk about nutrition.*

*which was, ironic, as the gym is just a stone's throw from a McDonald's. Tell you what, if you want to preach to me about health and fitness, don't do it downwind of the place that almost killed Morgan Spurlock.  It kinda kills your whole badass P90X street cred.

I always thought I was pretty proficient in the food pyramid but then Morgan whipped this thing out:

Apparently the old food pyramid we knew and loved in the past is no more. We don't have the old school food pyramid any more, now all of the traditional food groups have been replaced by a rainbow colored, stair-step pyramid like it's Gay Pride Week at Chichen Itza.  I look at this thing and I wonder, "am I supposed to cut back on my dairy or was some dude at the FDA dropping windowpane acid?"  Screw it.  Pyramid or not, they will get my Taco Bell when they pry it from my cold, dead, greasy, and bloated hands.

After my session, I thanked Morgan for his time and was a bit surprised that he didn’t ask if I wanted to sign up for a membership.  I mean, that’s kind of the point of the complimentary pass, right?  To draw in new members. Then I realized, as he fled the room so fast that he left a contrail, that Morgan was fervently hoping he would never, ever see me again.  It’s just as well, really.  I could never spend that much time exercising with Morgan without imagining him chasing me with a bat and yelling “They used to call me Crazy Joe!  Now they’ll call me Batman!”

KELLY:  So, what did you think?  Intense, huh?

ME:  You owe me cake.  Many, many slices of cake.

KELLY:  Oh come on, it wasn’t THAT bad.  Besides, it’s good for you to get out and actually interact with society.

ME:  I don’t know.  I think what I need isn’t a personal trainer but an impersonal trainer.

KELLY:  What?

ME:  You know, someone who rarely shows up and ignores me the whole time.

KELLY: Why do I even try?

ME: You’re a slow learner, Babe.

Feel the burn, party people.  Feel the burn.


Gia said...

I could go with a robot trainer...

lazysubculturalgirl said...

I am with you on all counts -- I must work out before 8 am because once I'm awake, that shit is out of the question. I go to the cheapest gym in town because I want to use the machines and be left the fuck alone. If I wanted to chat, I'd get a latte with my friends instead of sweating my ass off on the treadmill.

God help any trainer who tried to take me in hand, even if he was Morgan Freeman.

Bill Dameron said...

I have to admit, that is the first time I have seen that food pyramid. Although it does have a certain Je ne sai quoi, don't you think?

What's with the steps?

L-Kat said...

I am not saying I don't believe you, but are you sure he looked like Morgan Freeman? I saw Morgan at the Oscars last night and he is getting old. Is this a young-Morgan or a present-day Morgan? Just wondering.

Mandi E. said...

"I like the idea of a Children’s Museum in theory, but I don’t know how the short people can breathe inside those little glass cases."

Thanks, bitch. I just snorted Dr. Pepper and that shit burns.

Look on the bright side - at least your personal trainer wasn't a fat asian chick with more junk in her trunk than a 3rd rate Mexican drug mule. Bitch try to tell me I need to lower my BMI? Look who's talking, pork rind.

The gym makes me bitter and angry, so I work out at home now. Way fewer protection orders and arraignments this way.

Jen said...

GIA - I just want a robot that will exercise for me whilst I lounge on the couch eating Count Chocula. If they can put a man on the moon I think they should be able to hook a sister up.

ANDI - I should have known better than to try it. I do not work and play well with others.

BILL - I think the steps are to show you you should exercise as well, or maybe because you want to hurl yourself down a flight of stairs ala Scarlett O'Hara after you try to translate it. Meh...

L-KAT - It wasn't modern day Morgan, but he looked EXACTLY like "Lean On Me" Morgan, except for the bat.

Brett Minor said...

"growing spinal cords in Democrats" - CLASSIC.

I have only joined a gym once. Paid for a full year upfront and then only went three times.

Jen said...

MANDI - Having a fat trainer is like having a skinny chef. That shit ain't right.

BRETT - My political musings are not as well received here in the People's Republic of Portlandia.

wagthedad said...

So I am in the process of writing a really smutty post involving Jen, and I saw the post title and grabbed it, because I was all thinking that the REAL Morgan Freeman actually tried to assault you.

Actually, I think I need his number. He reminds me of my high school wrestling coach. Since leaving high school I have been out of shape. I really, really need somebody to call me a pussy and blow a whistle at me and such. Do you think Morgan Freeman would do that?

Jen said...

SHANE - This man was like Torquemada in Nike dri-fit. My legs and back hate him with the fire of a thousand white-hot suns.

Angie said...

F*ck that noise. I will stick with my lard shedding at home. I don't need anyone screaming at me to "GET YOUR ASS DOWN" or "GET OFF THE FLOOR" or "NO VOMITING ON THE GYM FLOOR". I don't need that.

Leauxra said...

Holy shit, sounds... ah... invigorating. Much like how I started telling a funny story about the neighbor boys (I like to call them Rod and Todd after the freaking neighbors in the Simpsons), and their disbelief in dinosaurs... at a table I realized as I was talking, contained not one but TWO people who take their churchin' VERY seriously.

Also, I totally agree about the zumba. That shit is horrible. I felt like I was going to wiggle my damned spine apart in that class.

Audra said...

I need an impersonal trainer, too. I got two free personal training sessions at a local gym once and after merciless torturing me for the better part of an hour, she made me run up and down the stairs a few dozen times and remarked that I looked so cute, LIKE CINDERELLA, running down the stairs. What, is that snappy little sentiment supposed to make me feel better about the fact that I will be driving my ass to the ER in 10 minutes? Bitch about got a glass slipper shoved up her ass for that comment. Can't say I would have much preferred Morgan Freeman, though.

Jen said...

ANGIE - I would probably do a lot more if someone was screaming at my lazy ass but that shit's expensive! I guess I could just call my ex husband and have him yell at me for free.

LEAUXRA - There is nothing more disturbing than a room full of 55 year old white women gettin' jiggy wit' it to Latin music. No. . .just. . .no.

AUDRA - Cinderella? Oh, hellz no. I would have gone full on Wicked Stepmother on that biotch.

Misty said... are getting more gracious AND social??? Who the hell are you?

And thanks for the B-more Ravens shout out. It must be my birthday or something. ;)

I've decided that Morgan Freeman IS actually god. He is omnipresent. He is the voice of every commercial and every movie, and apparently is now getting his kicks from torturing you at the gym. Did he have the silky smooth voice as well?

Wily Guy said...

That's classic Jen! I'm often sitting green with envy at everything you write.

I used to be a gym rat and then I had kids. Then I had my later years gym join which promptly lead to the hernia... Bad scene, I like the gym a little too much.


Jen said...

MISTY- Ha! The Ravens reference was totally for you, Birthday Girl! Sadly, my trainer did not have Morgan's mellifluous voice. . .or perhaps he might if he weren't screaming do hard the veins in his neck were bulging. Picture Louis Gossett in "An Officer and a Gentleman". . .it was not pretty. Hope you are having an amaze balls birthday. You deserve cake and strippers and many hours mocking the "whacked" citizenry of A.C. I love you!

Elizabeth - FlourishinProgress said...

I'm just happy you made it out alive.

If we ever become neighbors, I will never, ever make you go to the gym. Unless the gym has chocolate cake. Then we need to go every damn day.

Kelly said...

I can think of so many other things I'd rather do at 6 am... no wait, just one. :) I wish I was a morning worker-outer. I'm a morning person, but one that has to swill coffee and wake up with Brian Kilmeade first.

Jen said...

LIZ - They need to come up with a gym inside of Starbucks. Something that requires me to run on a treadmill to generate the requisite power to create my frothy, vanilla-y lattes. And cake. Lots of cake.

KELLY - I am one of those morning people that everyone wants to bitch slap. Up at 4:30 or 5:00 every morning with rays of sunshine shooting out of my ass. Unfortunately I peak at noon and am a complete dick for the rest of the day. My next husband will have to be a dairy farmer.

Is It Just Me? said...

I swear girl, you are the perfect storm of humor, I laughed my ass off. I was picturing Morgan Freeman with that voice the whole time you were telling the story. The March of the Penguins, spineless democrats, girl you be crazy. And I agree, what the hell is this new food pyramid thing? I swear they change it all the time. And I didn't see any cupcakes or doughnuts or Starbucks on there, so it's not my kind of pyramid. Life is not about deprivation people! It's about moderation. Love you!

Is It Just Me? said...

I swear girl, you are the perfect storm of humor, I laughed my ass off. I was picturing Morgan Freeman with that voice the whole time you were telling the story. The March of the Penguins, spineless democrats, girl you be crazy. And I agree, what the hell is this new food pyramid thing? I swear they change it all the time. And I didn't see any cupcakes or doughnuts or Starbucks on there, so it's not my kind of pyramid. Life is not about deprivation people! It's about moderation. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Haha... I loved this post! I wouldn't have made it through the session I'm sure... sounds horribly unfun. Definitely not my style of exercise lol

Anonymous said...

This post was hlarious, but I think most posts about exercise are, simply because work outs are miserable. You have to find a way to laugh about it.

Jen said...

JUST ME - Oh, Girl NO you DID NOT just play the "perfect storm" card! And, umm. . .yeah, I'm with you. Until the FDA officially recognizes Starbucks as a food group then they can go pound sand.

BOZO - My ass and calves may n-e-v-e-r forgive me, I shit you not. And I KNOW I will never fully forgive my friend, Kelly. Meh. . .friendship is highly overrated.

NELLIE - We laugh so that we neither kill nor inflict self-destructive behaviors. That being said I am reading these responses and subsequently watching "Dance Moms" on onDemand and eating Taco Time. Could that be construed as self-destructive?

Anonymous said...

Oh, my God!! This post right here is my favorite one ever...and I think you are more hilarious than Courtney Love going to rehab. "Don't do ot downwind from the place that almost killed Morgan Spurlock" just about made me pee my pants.
I'm more of an evening workout person myself, but as I hate working out with a passion, it may be an avoidance issue. That, and I am not a morning person.

Tiffany said...

One day, I'm going to learn to not open your blog whith anything in my mouth. Strawberry milkshake up the nose as soon as I saw the headline!

Jen said...

ANONYMOUS - Holy shit, is Courtney Love still alive? That throws my entire belief system into orbit. Thanks for reading and laughing with me! :)

TIFFANY - Drinking a milkshake while reading about exercise is so very wrong on many levels. And now I want a milkshake. Damn it.

Johi said...

Sounds fun?
Honestly, it is really hard for me to be around people that take themselves too seriously. I would have been pushing his buttons too, except I would have failed miserably at the cardio test and then blamed it on the smoking (which I don't do).

erica said...

I am so glad I found you! Hilarious! Your comment about Zumba is so true. My friend and I decided to try it on a day where they seperated the class into sections, she was on one side, I was on the other. Then they made us face each other and have a dance off. We were dance battling to some song that required air humping in the direction of the opposite group. Neither my friend and I are skilled in the dance department, let alone air humping, and I'm afraid I wet my yoga pants a little from laughing. The exertion of air humping wildly probably only helped with the incontinence.

Jen said...

JOHI - Yeah, he didn't appreciate my comment about shooting crystal meth either. Steroids obviously kill your sense of humor.

ERICA - YAY! A new friend! You have no idea how excited I get when I see new posters -- there may have been some squealing involved. . .don't judge.

Red said...

First, recumbant bikes are absolutely a crock. Get to a spin class for some serious cardio!

Second, that's a new pyramid? I only knew that a pyramid had replaced the four food groups. The more they keep using pyramids, the fewer jokes we can make about the four "foodgroups" being chocolate, coffee, wine and cheese...or whatever.

Jen said...

RED - At my crib, the four food groups are canned, frozen, delivery, and drive-thru.

sars! said...

shit you not... just put in March of the Penguins. Next up, Feast of Love because I want to cry like a child.

We call out gym "the Frat House" and by far our fav character is "neck tattoo". He has no art decorating his body save a tribal thing on his neck and matching thing on his hand. I see a very bright future for this muscular tattooed lad.

Jen said...

SARS - Join my crusade, Girl! Fight the Power!