Sunday, February 12, 2012

Shopping With Nathan Fillion

Having been married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not without its benefits. First of all, narcissists are as predictable as the plotline of an afterschool special. They have no grasp of the concept that their will is not the be-all-end-all of human existence so they tend to do the same stupid shit over and over again. Second, a narcissist (like a politician) does not believe that rules actually apply to them so they piss all over authority like a drunken alley cat and are genuinely stunned when there are repercussions.

So, truthfully it came as no great shock when I received this in the mail the other day:

Yes, Gil was late with his child support yet again. Now the delightful thing about living in the great state of Or-ee-gone is that when one is late with their support they get their ass cheeks slapped with a $200 fine and a letter to their employer telling them what a douchebag they are. So, seeing as I had this sudden $200 windfall this month I did what any responsible single parent would do: I took my ass to the mall, y'all.

Now, shopping is cathartic for me. It is the one time when I can breathe deeply and know that I am among my people; a safe haven, if you will. And it's not just me! Science has proven that acquiring pretty, shiny things releases dopamine in your brain. Ahh, dopamine. . .sweet, sweet dopamine. . .This is the shit your brain produces in response to sex, recreational drugs, or an In-N-Out burger with extra bacon. It serves all kinds of functions related to behavior, cognition, movement, and other important things like keeping the drool inside your mouth and preventing you from smacking your child like a ten-dollar whore when he's being wicked annoying. But most importantly, dopamine is the gatekeeper to rewards and punishments, a system it uses to motivate us to, among other things, explore, learn and acquire new stuff. . .preferably somewhere with a food court and a Nordstrom Rack.

Despite being about a social as an agoraphobic with Tourette's, I hate to shop alone. It is so much more fun when you have someone supportive and loving to codependently support your negligent consumerism, so today I invited someone to join me that I knew would be honest, caring, and make the day even more glorious. So, of course, I brought Nathan Fillion.*

*Although he was ten minutes late meeting me at Starbucks. That irrepressible scamp!

After sufficiently caffeinating ourselves, Nathan and I strolled hand-in-hand to the third member of my Holy Trinity: H&M.*

*The first two being Starbucks and Target, duh!

I was initially frustrated at the lack of selection and was momentarily considering filing a formal complaint over the amount of navy and gray in this season's palatte because, hello! I am SO not a Summer or a Winter, when Nathan called my attention to some darling sequined tanks.

Oh, Nathan. . .you had me at 'sequined'. I am like a goddamned magpie; anything that sparkles, glitters, or shimmers is going to find its way into my possession come Hell or high water. I'd like to think this is a pretty natural reaction; most people like shiny things. Hell, my friend Max swear his car runs better after it's been washed and waxed. "There's no way this can be the same piece of shit Honda CRV I was driving this morning! Look how shiny it is!" So, naturally I feel about three inches taller and twenty pounds lighter when wearing sequins which may explain why my closet looks like I've been shopping with RuPaul.

After H&M, Nathan was feeling a bit peckish, so we headed to the food court for some sustenance.

Sure, we drew a few stares, but that's what one can expect when dining with a celebrity of his caliber. I politely turned away some onlookers whom I was sure would be asking for autographs and declined a bystander's offer to give me the name of a good psychotherapist. He must have thought I needed counselling to deal with the pressure of being a celebrity's girlfriend. How sweet!

After lunch Nathan decided that I should treat myself to shoes as well because, damn it! He's a giver like that! Honestly, I was shocked, because most men don't give a shit about shoes. In fact, the average man owns no more than seven pairs of shoes while the average woman owns somewhere between a shit ton and "oh my God I can't believe you have twelve pairs of black shoes, and why do you need four pairs of boots, and what the hell is a 'mule' anyway"? OK, technically the average American woman owns nineteen pairs of shoes.*

*Nineteen? Pfft! Amateurs.

In much the same manner that men don't get the religious experience that is the perfect pair of quality footwear, women don't understand why men are physically and emotionally incapable of giving a single shit about them. Here's why, ladies. Men don't notice shoes because they are nowhere near a woman's breasts, face, or ass. If we started wearing them around our neck, men may take notice, but until then your zapatos are not even on his friggin' radar.

As the day drew to a close, I could tell that Nathan was growing tired, and he suggested that we head for home to snuggle in front of the fire and eat Thai food while watching "Firefly". . .again. I wasn't really in a Pad Thai or sci fi mood but true love is about compromise, people! Besides, I just can't resist Nathan when he holds me in his arms and whispers sweet nothings into my ear.



Rhonda said...


you've lost your mind officially hahaaa Congrats on the mall trip! That would've sent me into panic-attack-galore! lol Malls scare me. OMG the people at the kiosks.. The guy that comes running after you with that head massager thing wanting to put it in your head after taking it out of someone ELSE's head .. They FRIGHTEN me!

Johi said...

OMG Jen. This is one of my favorite posts to date. First of all, the sequined top is killer. Maybe I can borrow it at BlogHer? :)
B.) 19 pair? That's it? I officially am aware of my 'problem'.
Thirdly, I think we have the same countertops.
67.) I love it that your ex funded a shopping spree. I'm giddy with snarky glee.
987.) I'm certain that if Mr. Fillion ever met you that he would fall head over heels in love.

Jen said...

RHONDA - Our mall has the creepy oily-variety bohunks at the kiosks trying to straighten your hair and massage lotion into your hands. ((shudder))

JOHI - Wha...whaWHAT!?!? You ARE going to BlogHer!?!?!? SQUEE!!!!! ((jumping up and down and flailing arms like a spaz)). The thought of you, me, Misty, Elizabeth, and Noa under the same roof is both thrilling and terrifying. :)

Johi said...

No ticket has been purchased, it is just firmly in my sights. I told Misty all about it the other night when we chatted on the phone just like long lost friends.

Scott Jung said...

19 pairs? Seriously? I guess I'm married to three or four women then, can't wait to meet the other ones!

I do understand comfortable shoes and have used the phrase, "that's like sex for my feet" in describing a pair or two. I get giddy when I find my size in stock and on clearance. My feet are 7.5 / 8, so either they don't make them or if they are dressy, some teenager's mom bought my pair so he could store them in his closet after the funeral.

Enjoyed the post as always!

Bexstar said...

He's a goddam keeper that one! Letting you have the remote even...We have WWE Smackdown in our lounge every night over that thing.

P.S I have really strong thighs. He can't beat me.

Chillin'Villain said...

LOL!!!!! You covered over Stana's face! Too funny!

But then again, how dare that succubus beyotch canoodle with YOUR man?!?! I'm glad you and Nathan have been able to move past her depicable behavior. You two seem like such a happy couple!!

Gia said...

Wow, he's the best mall companion ever!

Misty said...

Hmmm, maybe I'm starting to see his appeal . . . :)

Glad that douche of an ex-hubs is good for something. Shopping spree!!

Oh, and I own about 12 pairs of shoes. Just so you know.

Andrea said...

I feel like a social pariah that I went to the mall completely alone on Friday!

mark said...

Clearly Nathan knows how to show a girl a good time and who is more deserving than you? Looks like you had a brilliant time. I am unsure of the current count but I have about 15 pair of shoes. That count has been higher.

WeezaFish said...

So lets just get this straight, 19 pairs of shoes is normal??!

Jen said...

JOHI - Umm, yeah. . .you are GOING. End of discussion. ;)

SCOTT - "sex for my feet"? Best. Phrase. E-V-E-R. You are officially the coolest hetero man in the history of time.

BEX - I may or may not have had a small and tremulous "O" thinking about my strong thighs and Nathan's remote. You are the wind beneath my fucking wings, my sweet.

C.V. - Pfft! Stana needs to step off. She's had three and a half years to tap that fine ass -- you snooze, you LOSE!

MISTY - "Starting" to see Nathan's appeal? Oh, Honey; get thee to OnDemand and start watching some "Castle", STAT! The appeal will be made manifest. And when we're at BlogHer I will personally rectify your footwear dearth from 12 to 19+. . .'cuz I'm all benevolent and shit.

ANDREA - I won't loan out Nathan, but am willing to hand out my lesser deities: Channing Tatum and the State Farm 'Mayhem' Guy.

MARK - 15 pairs? You have reaffirmed my faith (yet again) in the male species. :)

WEEZ - 19 is average; anything above and beyond simply cements your badassitude into perpetuity.

Bill Dameron said...

That was lovely....By the way, I just spent $150 on shoes, on pair....

Brett Minor said...

He sounds like the perfect shopping companion.

And, we had to add on to our house to hold keep all my ex's shoes.

Anonymous said...

Fuck, it's Hoody Hoo, your comments hate me:
Is it okay if Nathan comes to work with me sometime? Cause people around here seem to be forgetting how bugshit I am!

Frankie said...

BEST.POST.EVER. Dude!!! I need me a pocket size hunk for things like this. What better way to have an opinion on dinner, movies, and shopping! It's guaranteed you're the winner everytime. Just.....genius! Love you GIRL!

Word Verification of the day:
Hariong- A new brand of hair weave made specifically for office skanks. When skanks fall of the bed from their latest dirty conquest, wrap their nasty hair up and use the hariong. Guarateed to raise your skank level 10 times the norm and comes with it's own bottle of penicillin yo!

Jana said...

Shoes....I Love SHOES, I think at one time I had over 100 pairs of shoes. I wish that I could make shoes sound like Homer Simpson's Beer.

Jen said...

HOODY - My comments section is an elitist little bitch. How the hell are you, Girl?

FRANKIE - As usual, your word verification translations have me laughing my fool ass off! :)

JANA - Over 100 pairs? I think I'm in love with you.

Kari said...

I'm so sad. Some of my comments don't register. Whatever am I doing wrong?

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

Nathan is such a supportive boyfriend. It's nice to see celebrities that don't think too much of themselves.

Also, proving that even gay girls have a thing for shoes, my wife has over 20 pairs of Chuck Taylors.

Bloggertobenamedlater said...

You have all the fun. I am still in trial which if the gods are kind will finally be over this Thursday. Since your boyfriend is so thoughtful and supportive and also, all knowing and wise, can you have him call Troy and tell him I need more shoes? We have a brand new Nordstroms here that needs my support.

Jen said...

BRETT - Your ex sounds magical. How could you let a gem like that slip away.

KARI - My comments section is being a little bitch right now. I may have to reformat...again. @#$% Blogger!

ALLY - Mindy sounds rad as shit. Is she coming with you to Blogher?

BTBNL - Same trial? Daaaaamn, that one's been going on FOREVER! You are DEFINITELY entitled to some retail therapy after this one, Girl. I'll get Nathan on it ASAP.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

"Accidental money" is for splurges only. How nice of Gil to add to the slush fund.

If I had enough accidental money, I'd have more than 19 pairs of Doc Martens and Chuck Taylors. I might need to marry someone rich though, like Nathan Fillion. I'm sure the Hubs won't mind.

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

Mindy is rad as shit. lol. If she can get off work from her new fancy, corporate, accounting job then yes she will be with me.

Jen said...

ANDI - Gil is a benevolent soul, n'est pas?

ALLY - Whoo-HOO! Tell her to ditch work -- priorities, damn it!

Red said...

Wow. I'm such a man when it comes to shopping. (I'm not literally, though) I have a max time limit that is somehow correlated to the variables of T=time spent, M=Money spent and F=frustration at not finding what I'm looking for, where F increases exponentially dependent on C=Cluelessness about what I even want!

So the time limit could be anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours.

...but even I have more than 19 pairs of shoes!

elmirathudd said... boyfriend's mother's boss is Nathan Fillion's boss. I may have emailed her the link to this post to pass on to him. Hope he gets in touch!

elmirathudd said... boyfriend's mother's boss is Nathan Fillion's boss. I may have emailed her the link to this post to pass on to him. Hope he gets in touch!

Jen said...

RED - If you exceed the 19 shoe limit you are GOLDEN in my book. ;)

ELMIRA - If Nathan has the sense of humor I believe he does, he will be OK with my harmless and inane douchebaggery. If not, better to know that from Day One. Either way, thanks for the shout out.

elmirathudd said...

I am sure he has a good sense of humor. We sent a photo of a craft the bf's sister did for her mom, a pic of mr Fillion that said "future son in law" and he thought it was cute

Jen said...

ELMIRA - I just fell deeper in love with him. . .if that's possible. I'll be posting later today with a conversation my friend and I had about Nathan's acting career. :)

Anonymous said...

You have made me love him more!

Kelly said...

He is awesome. You somehow make me appreciate his awesomeness even more!! It's official. I'm addicted. (sigh)