Thursday, April 19, 2012

Fasting: You're Doing It Wrong

Recently a plague swept through our town, knocking down everyone in its wake and smacking my ass like a hooker at a gangbang.  For the last two weeks the entire city has been coughing and wheezing like Carnie Wilson in a Zumba class and the other day my hippy-dippy friend, Kellydecided it was time to take action.

I love Kelly so therefore I express my fondness for her as I do all of my friends by mocking the ever-loving shit out of her lifestyle.  She is a militant vegan, non-car-owning bike commuter, and a proponent of holistic health care; all things that make me touchier than a priest at a Vatican summer camp.  I am not one to generally believe in this “peace, love and tofu” bullshit, but as I also did not believe I could go one more day feeling like I’d shoved my lungs into a blender filled with drywall screws, I agreed to join Kelly on a two-day cleansing juice fast.

Fasting is not new to me as I spent several years starving myself, but doing it in a healthy manner is something of an alien concept.*

*When I got out of college my diet consisted of Skittles and Potter's vodka.  I was a bulimic/anorexic wanna-be, but my raging alcoholism always held me back.

If you close your eyes it almost tastes like mangoes.  Mangoes covered in horseshit and aquarium scum.

The basic premise of this fast is that for 48 hours you drink only warm lemon water, a detoxing herbal tea blend, and a green juice made of fruits, vegetables, and spirulina.  After about eight hours of this dickery I came to two conclusions.  First, I would get my ass kicked at the Hunger Games, and second, if you subsist on nothing but dandelion tea and green juice then somebody will get killed.  Either I'll keel over on the stairs in a pool of my own spirulina-tinged vomit or I will stab someone in the neck with a Sharpie just to watch them die. Apparently the stabby thoughts are good however as Kelly informed me that was just my body’s reaction to the toxins leaving my body.*

*And after ingesting so much tea consisting of dandelion, geranium and hibiscus, when I pee I experience the fresh scent of potpourri.  Huzzah!

Apparently another sign of detoxification is that after the first day you get to enjoy projectile diarrhea, bad breath, and sweating like David Duke at a Black Panthers rally.  And this isn’t your normal sweat; this is Frenchman-eating-liverwurst-in-a-port-a-john sweat.  All the Speed Stick in the world could not vanquish this stank.

Having made it through Day 1, I actually did start to feel a little better, but seriously?
Why do they call it a fast when it goes so fucking slow?  To be honest, the next time I feel like detoxing my body I’ll just check into Betty Ford for a few weeks.  I don’t get why people are so down on rehab; spending six weeks lying on a couch, drinking coffee, and talking about myself all day sounds like heaven.  By about 4 PM I officially lost my shit and proceeded to go all Mike Tyson on the dude standing next to me at the stoplight for playing his iPod too loudly.*

*In my defense, he was listening to Coldplay.  Chris Martin fills me with the white hot hatred of a thousand suns.

So in the interest of productivity and keeping my sorry ass from getting arrested for throwing a Molotov Cocktail into the surrounding populi, I cried ‘uncle’ and went to the food trucks.  I stealthily tucked my burrito into my purse and crept back to my cubicle where I may have unhinged my jaw like a python and inhaled the entire thing without chewing.*

*I will neither confirm nor deny this rumor.

This place is my raison d'etre.

Ten minutes later, feeling guilt-ridden and bloated, I decided to confess my indiscretion to Kelly.  I walked the two miles to her house, let myself in through the kitchen door, peeked around the corner, and watched as she took one last bite of her Vindaloo curry.  Wait. . .wha-WHAT!?!?

ME: You broke the fast too?


ME: The juice fast!  I felt all guilty and shit because I just had a burrito and you’re over here eating curry!

KELLY (snorting with laughter):  Oh my God, did you think I was serious about the fast?

ME:  Wha. . .I. . .you mean I have been drinking dandelion jizz and pond scum for two days and you were kidding!?!?

KELLY (between paroxysm of hysteria):  Payback for giving me your cold, Bitch.

ME: I hate you so hard right now. . .are you going to finish that curry?



Tova said...

It's only thursday! Your blog is supposed to be safe to read before lunch on Thursday! Ugh now I want curry and a real burrito. (Canada, masters of Donut chains, has not yet grasped the burrito)

Mrs Social Assassin said...

I would rather do the 2 day juice fast than listen to even one Coldplay song! x

Jen said...

TOVA - Go out and get yourself some poutine, Girl! :)

EMILY - Amen to that, my sister.

Fearless Fibro Warrior said...

Rarely can you find a Vegan with such an amazing sense of humor, because they are too weak to be funny (I was one, so I can say that. I wasn't funny AT ALL then. I lived on french fries, mustard sandwiches, and diet 7-up.

I love Stephanie really hard right now.

jennielynn said...

Hon, I regularly go Tyson on Coldplay listening turd ballers, and fast (either meaning) isn't even in my vocabulary. Enjoy the burrito!

Gia said...

Ha! Pond scum. EEEEEK.

Jen said...

FIBRO - Stephanie is rad as shit even if she does make sad mooing sounds whenever I eat a burger for lunch.

JENNIE - The burrito was epic. Extra sour cream? Yes, please!

GIA - It was vile on oh so many levels.

Chillin'Villain said...


Oh, I'm sorry....I shouldn't be laughing, *snort*, uh, yeah, sorry.

I was just waiting for you to say that you jumped on her back and wrestled her for the doughnut, um...I mean, curry. ;-)

Mandy said...

Yeah, but does it work? Cause I'm totally down with spending my weekend smelling like a Garbage Pail Kid but coming out on Monday 10lbs lighter and pissin' herbal essences.

Jen said...

CV - I totally deserved it, not gonna lie. ;)

MANDY - It probably works if you have ANY willpower...which apparently I do not.

Youngman Brown said...

Bahaha you had me dying at: "Why do they call it a fast when it goes so fucking slow?"

My roommate once did one of those hippie cleansing things. Or tried to, I should say. He said it made him feel even more miserable than before.

Jen said...

YOUNGMAN - It actually did make me feel better...until the burrito. I win at life, y'all.

mistyslaws said...

Ok, let me get this straight . . . as the toxins leave your body (which is supposedly a GOOD thing), you feel murderous, smell like shit, sweat like a boxer, piss patchouli and almost kill colleagues over shite music? Yeah, sign me right the hell up for THAT.

How on earth did you last an entire day?

And now I want a burrito. Love the no-nonsense name of the place. Yep, honkin' huge. That's what we've got.

Bloggertobenamedlater said...

I am contemplating giving up sugar, but I am afraid I would become homicidal or some other idal word. A juice fast sounds terrible, but a juice fast plus Chris Martin violates the 8th Amendment prohibition against cruel and inhumane treatment.

Brett Minor said...

That is so funny. She found a way to get you and still come out good despite you having control of the words in the blog.

Jen said...

MISTY - Honkin' Huge is a good mile from my office but worth every damned step. I will not be fasting again as I now know it makes me an even bigger asshole than I am at present. Not good.

BLOGGERTBNL- Listening to Coldplay is like aural waterboarding.

BRETT - Vengeance shall be mine. Oh shall be mine.

Sheila said...

OMG, I think first I would kill my friend and then down 2 burritos. I've heard about those cleanses and frankly I don't have the nerve to go through with one because of what you just described. No thanky. Kudos to you for trying though.

Mandi E. said...

I'm glad this had a happy ending, because I was ready to go off on your hippy dippy coworker for that whole "detoxifying cleansing" bullshit. It's like people who talk about sweating through hot yoga and feeling the toxins sweating out of your body.

Listen, fucktard, the only thing leaving your body is salt, water, and some electrolytes. Take a fucking shower, close your fucking mouth, and eat some protein, you hippy twat.

Aaaaaaand thank you for letting me vent. Urge to stabbity stab stab fading...

AC said...

That is f'ing HYSTERICAL!!! I love the description of your pee, and I love Steph just a little more for her trickery.

I once did the Master Cleanse - H20, maple syrup & cayenne pepper FOR 10 DAYS.

Quite honestly, once I got over the urge to CHEW, I realized I wasn't very hungry, because the odd combination of that shit actually fills you up.

Food is better.

Jen said...

SHEILA - If we had a Wienermobile here I would have chased it down fo' sho'. But my burrito was epic.

MANDI - You know what I love most about you, Mandi? You make my anger management issues seem normal. :)

AC - Never. Again. 10 days!?!? Holy shit, you are amazing!

Audra said...

Ahahahahha, that is just great.

mark said...

Steph is a diabolical genius. Going to such incredible lengths as being a bike commuting vegan just to get you with a fake fast is unbelievably impressive. Good one, Steph. I hope for Steph's sake, you're not like me, Jen, because the payback would be ten fold.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

I totally misread your post title and thought it said "Fisting: You're Doing It Wrong" and then I thought... OH, do tell... and then I wondered if I should even tell you this until I found out that a plague had "smacked your ass like a hooker at a gangbang" and I realized that you could handle it.

By the way, I hope you are planning a payback, payback for Steph. I think it is only fair..

lazysubculturalgirl said...

Oh god, between my food allergies and trying to eat less sugar, I'm already murderous. A fast would just drive me right over the edge I currently live on.

They used to try to peer pressure us into fasts when I did youth group as a kid. I always refused because I found the whole idea of starving for Jesus really suspect. Actually, we were supposed to raise money for hunger or something but I figured it would be more sensible to just send them the money and eat. It's not like people in Africa are going to be LESS hungry because I gave up my burrito!

Jen said...

AUDRA - Longest 48 (almost) hours of my freaking life.

MARK - You already know I'm like you, Mark. Payback will be amazing.

MONKEY - Fisting joke for the motherfucking WIN!!! I love you so much right now.

ANDI - I never understood my mom's argument that cleaning my plate would help starving kids. Why not just send the food to them? It's a win-win.

chemgirljaime said...

my ex and I once tried a detox/diet that was apparently from some university in Oregon (no, I don't blame Oregon)... it had every meal for 2 weeks planned out.

After the first day of eating dry toast for breakfast, dry tuna for lunch and beets for dinner.. we both turned to each other at 10pm and said, "I'm fucking starving" and proceeded to go to the store with the worst junk food bender I've had since my days as a pothed.

it was not pretty.

never again.

Andrea said...

I ws thinking of trying a cleanse...convinced that I would transform into something fascinating in the I see there were some things I actually hadn't everything!

Von said...

Hoo lordy! This is one of those times where some of the comments are almost as funny as the post (hello Mandi E and Six). I am sore, yes SORE, from laughing.

NellieVaughn said...

I know people who actually do this, and I question their sanity. Why would someone need a cleansing diet? What are they putting into their bodies? Juice doesn't reverse the damage crack has done. And if the problem is just a few too many cupcakes, laxatives should do the trick.

detroitmom2devonmum said...

Thanks. I love reading you, but I still have 'achey-breakey-kill-me-now-heart in my head, thanks. Also, I can't help but wonder if you like Oh Brother Where Art Tho? because I am the only one I know who gets it. Homer and all that. Good Lord, show me the way.

hoodyhoo said...

This is EXACTLY why I never bought those Japanese pads that are supposed to suck the toxins out through your feet. I KNOW there's some bad shit in me, I don't wanna SEE it.

L-Kat said...

One of my dear friends is all about these hippy cleanses, hot yoga, and vegan(ish) diets. The only reason we're still friends is because she drinks copious amounts of wine with me.

Steph seems pretty fun! :)

Jen said...

JAIME - That reminds me of the time my sister Holly and I attempted the South Beach Diet and 10 hours later found ourselves at a fucking Olive Garden. That shit ain't right.

ANDREA - Don't do it!!!

VON - My readers are some twisted mofos fo' sho'.

NELLIE - Trust me, I will never need laxatives after the hell my bowels hath wrought during this cleanse.

DETROIT - I l-o-v-e "O, Brother" and EVERYTHING the Coen Brothers create. Combining Homer's 'Odyssey' with the Tennessee Valley Authority Project AND setting it to music? Genius.

HOODY - Tru' dat. Some mysteries should remain unsolved.

L-KAT - Steph is rad. I may even spare her life this time.

Leauxra said...

Yeah, no one is gonna ask me to "fast" any time soon, unless they really want to see me cut a bitch. I go all Linda Blair when a meeting runs three minutes into lunch time.

Starle said...

That is great. I wish that I could have seen your face! My curent version of fasting is only eat half of the "duck with muchrooms and cream with a side of cheezy veg" that my manboy makes for me. I prefer to drink the white whine sause on the side however.

Jen said...

LEAUXRA - I hear you. When my blood sugar gets low, someone will get cut.

STARLE - You lost me after "cheesy veg". ((drooool!))