Thursday, April 5, 2012

An Open Letter To PFD Firehouse #9





Dear Firefighters American heroes,

Every day as I stroll through town to my office I see you; lounging idly against the door jamb, running your slick pink tongues along a sugary glazed doughnut, or walking around shirtless in 46' weather whipping towels at each other like it's a cut-rate porn version of "Varsity Blues".  Apparently your antics can not be viewed as lacivious if you occasionally save lives.

Mother Mary and the Sweet Baby Jeebus know I have tried to ignore you as I pass by, averting my eyes from the sight of your skin-tight white tees, and the way you spray each other with hoses and slide down the poles in slow-motion.*

*OK, maybe I'm imagining the last two

But heaven help me, I am only human and firefighters make my toes curl like a sloth.  I don't blame you for your perky buttocks and perfectly rounded biceps, nor do I begrudge you the right to parade yourself in front of horny middle-aged women such as myself for aggrandization.  Believe me, if I thought it would get an approving glance I'd be the first one to grab a helmet and spread-eagle on top of the firetruck like Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video.  Sadly, I do not believe it would have the desired effect so I must therefore live vicariously through you.

My friend Max likes to give me a hard time saying "If they were women you'd be giving me crap for checking them out.  Just 'cuz those guys are hot doesn't give you the right to stare at them."  I understand his argument, but then why is the front of the fire station made of glass?  It's just a large, lovely display case where you are all lined up like jewelled pendants at Tiffany's.  It's like you are my own Evolution of Man exhibit at the Portland Art Museum, only without the expensive gift shop and bad parking.

Now I know, I know. . .your lives aren't always like an episode of "Rescue Me".  I'm sure there is a lot of downtime, a lot of paperwork, a lot of marathon workout sessions. . .your abdominal muscles glistening with sweat as you pump out four more reps before starting your dead-lifts; your perfect gluts pumping rhythmically as you. . .wait, where was I?  Oh yeah. . .a lot of boring clerical work, but even your firefighter lingo is sexy.  Trust me, any time you want to 'dispatch' your 'cherry-picker' on my 'bushfire' then I guarantee there will be no 'friction loss' in my 'hot zone'

I realize that this missive may seem a bit aggressive and intrusive, but keep in mind that as a government employee, I pay your salary.  And as I have neither thrown my cat up a tree nor ignited my living room with a wayward Bath & Body Works candle I must say that I have not seen an adequate return on my investment.  Therefore I request the following:

1) Far more shirtless afternoons of you soaping your trucks. . .and I don't mean that euphemistically.

2) Each Wednesday you must sing me Peruvian ballads while tweezing my eyebrows with your non-dominant hand.

3) Every month that my home does NOT burst into flames you tithe one-tenth of your paycheck to pay my bill at H&M.

4) One word:  Speedos.

I see no reason why we can't reach an understanding on this.  Please feel free to call me at 503-555-1234 if you have any questions.  Seriously.  503-555-1234.  Even if you don't have questions. . .even if you just want to grab a cup of coffee, or have a chat, or need help oiling your valves.  503-555-1234.  I'm sure that if we can just meet halfway on this then we'll someday look back on my stalking admiration and laugh.  I'm here for you.

XOXO,
Jen


P.S.:  That totally was NOT me tapping on the window the other day wildly gesticulating at your soot-smudged faces while singing 'Burnin Down The House'.  I swear.  But if you don't believe me you can call to confirm: 503-555-1234

35 comments:

Gia said...

Hahahah you need to bag yourself a fireman, lady.

L-Kat said...

Um, I think I need to visit you and your town's firemen. The ones in my town are old and chubby. Not only are they unattractive, the physicality required for their job is questionable.

Jana said...

As the wife of a firefighter, I applaud your request. Because I may or may not have asked hubby to bring home his turnouts and do a strip tease for me. I am not saying, and by not saying, I mean it was the hottest L-O-V-I-N of my life.

Jen said...

GIA - Bagging a firefighter is number 4 on my Bucket List, I shit you not.

L-KAT - I swear to God they hand picked Firehouse 9 from the freaking Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Those boys are HAWT!

JANA - My jealousy of you burns with the fire of a thousand white-hot suns.

Jillian said...

I went out on two dates with an ex-Navy firefighter. I am now choosing to remember those dates as very similar to the sight you see when you walk past the firehouse, instead of how they "actually" happened-- a back cramp at the movie theater and a concert in the park preceeded by a Girl Scout Troop performing The Merchant of Venice. I mean...wet white t-shirts...

WeezaFish said...

I do hope they're listening and I hope they call. A woman can only stand so much. Hang on, there is another way ... you could start a fire?? Bit extreme? Tad too much?

Ach du lieber said...

Send me your address. I'm comin to visit (and by visit I mean camp out in front of the man-display.)

My local firefighters are volunteer, which means that they'll come put out your fire just as soon as they finish that last Milwaukee's Best. They make Larry the Cable Guy look like Ryan fucking Reynolds...

Bobbie said...

Jen, I indeed know exactly what you mean! This morning, on my drive to work, I saw a very manly man climbing a telephone pole. Literally, like a lumberjack. He worked for PGE and didn't need to use no sticking bucket truck either. It was amazing and it made my morning. Where are all the Oregon lumberjacks at anyway!? heehee

Jen said...

JILLIAN - Navy and. . .AND firefighter? Oh Sweet Baby Jeebus in a Hot Pocket I can only dream of such glory!

WEEZA - Maybe I could ignite the Office Skank's cheap-ass K-Mart extensions. Kill two birds with one lighter?

JAYNE - P-Town firefighters are fiiiiiiine. So. Much. Eye candy.

Jen said...

BOBBIE - I know, right? PGE guys are totally hot! And UPS drivers? Daaaaaaaamn.

Kelly said...

The last firefighter I came in contact with had a waxed handlebar moustache, which was rad as shit, but not exactly sexy. The cable guy who was just here was far from hot. I imagine the UPS guy is SMOKIN', because he is so elusive that by the time I get to the door, I just get a glimpse of his sculpted calves. *sigh*

Audra said...

This just made my day.

On a sadder note, it sounds like you desperately need some firefighter lovin!

Bill Dameron said...

I think we need pictures to validate your description, Jen. It's not that I don't believe you, I'm just a visual kind of guy.

Starle said...

Hey guys! I'm at +44 867 5309.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

The most beautiful man I ever saw was fixing the fountain at the local mall a couple of years back. I have never been happier to be the mother of a small child as I was that day, since Youngest's staring gave me plenty of reason to ogle. Mmmm....greasy, wet, handsome men...what?

I suffer from a similar obsession with military men -- especially in uniform, OMIGOD -- an obsession I keep very tightly under wraps since I live in a Marine town. I have to keep my eyes down every time I go to Target or I'd never finish my shopping.

Jen said...

KELLY - You had me at "sculpted calves". ((swoon))

AUDRA - It's been a long, long dry spell indeed.

BILL - Camera phone? Check. Mad stalkin' skillz? Check. I'm on it.

STARLE - THEY'RE MINE, DAMN IT!!!

ANDI - Oh God, I would never survive in a military town. So. Much. Hotness.

Tainted Fibers said...

It may just be me, but I see opportunity here in the form of "The Red Dress Project". You're a smart chick... I bet you can come up with a self-improvement, social enlightenment project if you put your mind to it. Ya think? Short people will probably come in handy too.

Pish Posh said...

Hahaha. I agree with Gia :)

What the hell is it about Firemen? When I see them in the grocery store even I get all wound up. I wonder if they know.

It's like they're magical sex princes.

Hi, I'm here to pick you up, carry you away, rescue you from monsters and bad things, and make things right with the world with my bulging biceps.

Hottt.

Jen said...

FIBERS - Oh, I LIKE the way your mind works! ;)

PISH POSH - I think the reason we like firefighters and soldiers and men like nurses and maids is because we want someone to rescue us and men want someone to wait on them.

Charity Woosley said...

I think, and I'm not positive here, but I THINK Nathan would be upset at this post.

Jen said...

CHARITY - Nathan shall always have my heart. These boys fall into the "simple prop to occupy my time" category. ;)

Andrea said...

Time to throw a cat up a tree, or cook something just a bit too long for a decent amount of smoke...something yummy though so they will want to accept your invitation for the next time you make it!

Meg said...

I've got it! Sounds like it's time to set the office skanks desk on fire. Two shows in one.

I don't know, maybe because I've been a Navy wife for almost 20 years, I don't always see the attractiveness of the uniform, but then again, some days...

QOE said...

I live in Indianapolis and we occasionally host the World Police and Fire Games. When the games were here a couple of years ago, I *might* have yelled, "Help, help! I have a fire in my pants!" as I watched a group of them jogging on the canal. By 'might' I mean I totally did and threw in a "Shake what your mama gave ya!" for good measure. There also *might* have been adult beverages involved.

Jen said...

ANDREA - Ahh, the old "way to a man's heart is through his stomach" trick. Very nice!

MEG - Oh, Navy uniforms. Yes, please!

QOE - I love you so damned hard right now, you have no idea. :)

danna144 said...

Motivation: the finisher's medal for the Nike San Fran Women's Marathon is a Tiffany necklace presented by local firefighters.

I'd train with you but my cop husand might have something to say about it. (check out this series for background on the cop/firefoghter thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QgctZDpHSQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player - it's funny cuz it's true)

wagthedad said...

So do you really actually SEE firefighters who look like this? I always thought the firefighter with the awesome body was kind of the proverbial urban bigfoot; like construction workers and cops, they don't really come in the hot variety.

Just sayin. Over here in Austria they have the "Farmer's Calender." It's full of men with no shirts in Lederhosen, and women go batshit over it.

Which is fine with me.

Damn, so I just ran half a mile yesterday, the first part of my five year plan to finish a marathon some time in my life, and now I discover that in order to impress you, I need to become an American hero?

Damn. Gotta rethink my strategy, Jen.

Von said...

Um, might need a cold shower right about now.

And...what Bill said.

NellieVaughn said...

I had no idea how amazingly attractive firefighters are until I called the police about teens smoking pot at the park behind my house(that makes me sound like an asshole, which I am), and instead of the police responding, firefighters arrived within three minutes. Lovely creatures.

hoodyhoo said...

Move to Wes'BYGAWD Virginny... our firemen are mostly volunteers and... well, let's just say, on the Evolution of Man exhibit, they're on the OTHER end! That'll break your fixation right quick!

Jen said...

DANNA - I'm running that next year with some fellow bloggers! I had no idea firefighters weer included! ((swoon))

WAGS - There is nothing you could possibly do to be hotter in my mind's eye. I am already duly impressed.

VON - I see now that I shall have to bust out my camera. These boys are RIDONKULOUSLY gorgeous!

HOODY - Cue 'Deliverance' music. ((shudder))

Misty said...

Yum. That is all.

Johi said...

Hi-lar-ious! Love it!

Anonymous said...

Had I known you wanted a firefighter, I would have brought one with me when we visited...

"Jamie"

Jen said...

JAMIE - damne, Girl, I ALWAYS want a firefighter! Hook a bitch up!