Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Prepping for Doomsday
I have spoken often of my penchant for colossally shitty reality television. "Toddlers & Tiaras"? Yes, please. "Intervention"? But of course. "Dance Moms" AND "Dance Moms Miami"? Oh, HELL to the yeah. But by far my current favorite has got to be the epic train wreck that is "Doomsday Preppers". If you haven't seen this show...*
*Seriously? Get thee to a NetFlix, STAT!
...the basic premise is that each episode follows three different people and their families as they get ready for the end of the world. One guy prepared his children to forage for food by feeding them bugs, one lady explained the proper method for skinning squirrels, and perhaps my favorite was the man who built an underground bunker out of 41 school buses. His plan? That at the end of the world he would gather all of the children and take them underground to safety. Just the children. Alone. With him. Underground. I think we can all see where this one is headed.
Although I don't necesarily believe that there is an impending Apocalypse...sort of...I am incredibly fascinated by the concept of it. But why are so many people obsessed with the concept of the End of The World? Because a small part of wants to believe that we are so badass we would survive it all. I'd like to think that I would rule in some futuristic, post-Apocalyptic District 12 meets Thunderdome society but in truth I am just a big asshole and would most likely be dead before the zombies took over my stronghold at the local Target.
Honestly, the people on "Doomsday Preppers" already had a leg up on the rest of us before they began preppin' because they're all a bunch of dipshit rednecks who already have their skillsets honed: They fix trucks, they hunt, they know guns and they tend to stay away from the cities. Of course they'd survive the end of the world - hell, they wouldn't even have to make any major lifestyle changes.
Since we didn't get Raptured either time Harold Camp promised we would and the Mayans don't seem to know their asses from a hole in the Yucatan, it looks like I've got some time to get my shit together and begin preparing for the inevitable. So I've compiled a list of the things I need to accomplish before the Big Show.
1. Start stockpiling canned goods.
2. Obtain sufficient stores of potable water, iodine, and lime wedges for piquancy.
3. Hook up gas generator and hand-crank ham radio.
4. Start hanging out with fat people in case of a Donner Party situation.
5. Stockpile batteries and ammunition.
6. Write an apologetic letter to the Unabomber acknowledging that he was right all along.
7. Train myself to disregard traffic lights. . .wait, already done that.
8. Convert my paychecks to bullion.
9. Hide the bullion in a hard-to-find-but-easy-to-remember location.
10. Realize that everyone will think to look under my bed.
11. Magnetize the bullion and stick it to the back of the refrigerator.
12. Learn CPR, first aid, and at-home euthanasia.
13. Replace "fluent in Excel, Access, and Powerpoint" on my resume with "killed her a bear when she was only three".
14. Buy walkie-talkies.
15. Come up with bad-ass walkie-talkie code name like "Jen-o-cide".
16. Radically downgrade my personal grooming and hygiene. . .oh yeah, already done that one too.
17. Trade in my SUV for diesel burning, armor-plated school bus.
18. Start looking for a man who can purify water, build a spring trap, and perform surgery without anesthesia.
19. Start recognizing bar codes on grocery items as just another way the government is tracking me.
20. Suggest the US Postal Service change their slogan to "Neither snow, nor rain, nor inevitable collapse of industrialized society shall stay these couriers..."
21. Start brushing up on my lootin' skills.
22. Be prepared to sleep with as many men as possible in case the world needs repopulating. . .son of a bitch, there's one more I can cross off my list.
23. Come up with zesty and flavorful recipes for squirrel.
24. Choose someone I hate to blame for society's downfall.
25. Begin amassing rocks with which to stone him/her to death.
25. Choose a follow-up person to blame when shit gets worse.
26. Begin amassing rocks with which to stone him/her to death.
27. Wonder why everyone else is amassing rocks and watching me cryptically.
28. Accept that even in a war-torn, post-apocalyptic society my student loan officers will still find me.
29. Identify the local children with the least useful skills and nutritional value.
30. Volunteer said children as tributes.
31. Begin capturing flatulence in baggies to harvest my own methane.
32. Stop being so goddamned smug about the Amish.
As a species, we like the apocalypse in the same way that an emo teenager might like the idea of their own funeral: We want to see our decaying remains and revel in the tragic glory that we couldn't appreciate until it was too late. And on a personal level, the apocalypse appeals to my raging arrogance because, let's face it, when you talk about doomsday, you're really saying "that time when everybody else died, but not me, suckas!" That's all it is...one cosmic game of "I'm the King of the Mountain" where you (and possibly Kirk Cameron) are the last one's Left Behind.
Are YOU ready?