Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Prepping for Doomsday

I have spoken often of my penchant for colossally shitty reality television.  "Toddlers & Tiaras"?  Yes, please.  "Intervention"?  But of course.  "Dance Moms" AND "Dance Moms Miami"?  Oh, HELL to the yeah.  But by far my current favorite has got to be the epic train wreck that is "Doomsday Preppers".  If you haven't seen this show...*

*Seriously?  Get thee to a NetFlix, STAT!

...the basic premise is that each episode follows three different people and their families as they get ready for the end of the world.  One guy prepared his children to forage for food by feeding them bugs, one lady explained the proper method for skinning squirrels, and perhaps my favorite was the man who built an underground bunker out of 41 school buses.  His plan?  That at the end of the world he would gather all of the children and take them underground to safety.  Just the children.  Alone.  With him.  Underground.  I think we can all see where this one is headed.

Although I don't necesarily believe that there is an impending Apocalypse...sort of...I am incredibly fascinated by the concept of it.  But why are so many people obsessed with the concept of the End of The World?  Because a small part of wants to believe that we are so badass we would survive it all.  I'd like to think that I would rule in some futuristic, post-Apocalyptic District 12 meets  Thunderdome society but in truth I am just a big asshole and would most likely be dead before the zombies took over my stronghold at the local Target.

Honestly, the people on "Doomsday Preppers" already had a leg up on the rest of us before they began preppin' because they're all a bunch of dipshit rednecks who already have their skillsets honed: They fix trucks, they hunt, they know guns and they tend to stay away from the cities. Of course they'd survive the end of the world - hell, they wouldn't even have to make any major lifestyle changes.

Since we didn't get Raptured either time Harold Camp promised we would and the Mayans don't seem to know their asses from a hole in the Yucatan, it looks like I've got some time to get my shit together and begin preparing for the inevitable.  So I've compiled a list of the things I need to accomplish before the Big Show.

1.  Start stockpiling canned goods.
2.  Obtain sufficient stores of potable water, iodine, and lime wedges for piquancy.
3.  Hook up gas generator and hand-crank ham radio.
4.  Start hanging out with fat people in case of a Donner Party situation.
5.  Stockpile batteries and ammunition.
6.  Write an apologetic letter to the Unabomber acknowledging that he was right all along.
7.  Train myself to disregard traffic lights. . .wait, already done that.
8.  Convert my paychecks to bullion.
9.  Hide the bullion in a hard-to-find-but-easy-to-remember location.
10.  Realize that everyone will think to look under my bed.
11.  Magnetize the bullion and stick it to the back of the refrigerator.
12.  Learn CPR, first aid, and at-home euthanasia.
13.  Replace "fluent in Excel, Access, and Powerpoint" on my resume with "killed her a bear when she was only three".
14.  Buy walkie-talkies.
15.  Come up with bad-ass walkie-talkie code name like "Jen-o-cide".
16.  Radically downgrade my personal grooming and hygiene. . .oh yeah, already done that one too.
17.  Trade in my SUV for diesel burning, armor-plated school bus.
18.  Start looking for a man who can purify water, build a spring trap, and perform surgery without anesthesia.
19.  Start recognizing bar codes on grocery items as just another way the government is tracking me.
20.  Suggest the US Postal Service change their slogan to "Neither snow, nor rain, nor inevitable collapse of industrialized society shall stay these couriers..."
21.  Start brushing up on my lootin' skills.
22.  Be prepared to sleep with as many men as possible in case the world needs repopulating. . .son of a bitch, there's one more I can cross off my list.
23.  Come up with zesty and flavorful recipes for squirrel.
24.  Choose someone I hate to blame for society's downfall.
25.  Begin amassing rocks with which to stone him/her to death.
25.  Choose a follow-up person to blame when shit gets worse.
26.  Begin amassing rocks with which to stone him/her to death.
27.  Wonder why everyone else is amassing rocks and watching me cryptically.
28.  Accept that even in a war-torn, post-apocalyptic society my student loan officers will still find me.
29.  Identify the local children with the least useful skills and nutritional value.
30.  Volunteer said children as tributes.
31.  Begin capturing flatulence in baggies to harvest my own methane.
32.  Stop being so goddamned smug about the Amish.

As a species, we like the apocalypse in the same way that an emo teenager might like the idea of their own funeral: We want to see our decaying remains and revel in the tragic glory that we couldn't appreciate until it was too late.  And on a personal level, the apocalypse appeals to my raging arrogance because, let's face it, when you talk about doomsday, you're really saying "that time when everybody else died, but not me, suckas!" That's all it cosmic game of "I'm the King of the Mountain" where you (and possibly Kirk Cameron) are the last one's Left Behind.

Are YOU ready?


Kelly said...

I'm so glad you remembered limes. It would suck coconuts to make it through the fall of civilization and wind up with scurvy. We should bring back "Supermarket Sweep" so we can loot to the best of our ability. Fuck WoF, man - Supermarket Sweep is where it's at. DON'T FORGET THE ROASTS!!!

Rob R said...

If the Apocolypse does happen, I just want to make sure I have 2 things with me. My family and a stack of Hustlers.

Tainted Fibers said...

I may be married to a closet prepper. Way back in '89 when Hurricane Hugo came inland and wreaked havoc, I don't believe I have ever seen my husband so animated and in outright survival mode. We now have an arsenal of weapons and ammunition. We have 2 generators, 2 Freezers full of food, and canned goods coming out of our ass. Now he is not as bad as these preppers, but I feel sure he could be pushed over the edge pretty easily. WE ARE PREPARED. For what? I don't know

Mandy said...

All I need is more hollow points for my 9mm. That bitch is loaded and ready to roll. Being as how I'm in Florida, there's no shortage of squirrels.Or Possums. And I don't really have to worry bout freezing to death. Better stock up on Sunblock though.

Pretty sure Ima start digging my bunker under the pool soon, though. (Damnit, now everyone knows where to find me) One thing we should do is SERIOUSLY concentrate on stockpiling SPAM and Vienna Sausages. Those things will be worth a FORTUNE when we open our own version of "The Hob"

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

I bought my dream car last summer. It is a 1988 Jeep Grand Wagoneer. 1 of the reasons I bought it is because it is the perfect post-apocalypse vehicle. It doesn't hurt to be a little prepared.

Nadine Nell said...

I've been thinking about any impending apocalypse scenario, and the sad realization I've come to is that 1. I need to do more cardio to run from zombies or some shit. 2. My boyfriend is out of shape and more of a zombie liability behind and I should decide way in advance now when in the post-apocalyptic world I should leave his asthmatic ass behind while I run for cover... Anyone who has to bring a nebulizer and an inhaler into the Thunderdome ain't gonna make it, sadly :(

Jen said...

KELLY - Oh my God, YES! I freakin' loved 'Supermarket Sweep'! I would have sucked at it though. I have no clue how much shit costs; hence my propensity for returning home from Safeway and saying "Jesus! How did I spend $156 on groceries?"

ROB - As long as you have the Hustlers, do you still need your wife? ;)

FIBERS - I'm coming to your house when the shit goes down. All I have in my fridge is mustard and half-empty Gatorade bottles. I'm screwed.

MANDY - OK...even more proof that we're twins. I have a 9mm. a .357 Smith & Wesson and a Glock. I love you so damned hard right now.

ALLY - I am suddenly picturing you tearing over the dunes waving a machine gun like Tank Girl. It is pretty spectacular.

NADINE - As long as he's more out of shape than you then you're golden. You don't have to outrun the zombies, just outrun the slowest person in your posse. :)

Jana said...

I love that show something fierce. The one where the people had to eat all the fish that they were breeding in the pool. I can only imagine that their children might start growing gills. I would add for your own prepping you need to include:

1. Learn various kung fu moves, and practice racking the shot gun for that cool sound.

2. Water storage and water filtration (bitches need to clean more than T&A)

3. Stock up on nail polish, face cream, lotion, lip gloss and various other sundries. Just because its the end of the world doesn't mean that you need to look that way.

4. Look around for the best friend of a husband, because two men guarding your lady bits are better than just one. Ask Lori.

detroitmom2devonmum said...

I'm totally not ready. I do have one daughter that will (to quote Louis CK) "Kill people for meat during the Apocalypse". I am sure I will be one of those people.

Jen said...

JANA - Oh, Honey I wear lip gloss to work out so you KNOW Imma be dolled up for the Apocalypse, yo.

DETROIT - Louis CK reference for the win! Have you seen his routine about how much he hates deer. YouTube that shit; I laugh my ass off every time.

Sheila said...

Once again I find we are soooo much alike my sistah. I, too, watch Dance Moms, Walking Dead, Falling Skys, the list is long and if I'm not taken in the Rapture, I probably won't last the first wave either, lol. I would LOVE to think of myself as a Laura Kroft, all badass but frankly I like my modern day stuff. A real bed, bathroom, microwave, I don't even enjoy camping that much so I'll be in real trouble should there be an Apocalypse. Glad you're back, loved the post.

chemgirljaime said...

I like to think I'm ready... but in reality I'm probably doomed. I haven't camped since I was a kid and even then my parents did all the dirty work. I don't own weapons (god damn Canada) and I feel guilty about eating meat.

I'm fucked.

Jen said...

SHEILA - Ooh! "Walking Dead"! L-O-V-E that show so hard!

JAIME - But you're a chemistry whiz so you could go all chem-warfare on people's asses! I'd totally want you in my bunker.

mistyslaws said...

So, the apocalypse sounds like one neverending camping trip . . . but with zombies.

No thanks . . . I'll pass on that foolishness.

(And, psst . . . I don't think the BACK of the fridge is magnetic. Might wanna think of another place is all I'm saying).

Bobbie said...

Jen, Thank you so much for this today. It's been a rough week for me I have slept through most of it with , even though for most of it my head was located under my pillow becuase sometimes the world can just be To-Fucking-Much-to-deal-with. umm,eh hum,I mean.....thanks for the laugh. I really needed it! You rock my comedic world.

Jen said...

MIsty - You and I wouldn't last 5 minutes in the Apocalypse, yo. We'd be too busy running around, losing our shit, and being generally fabulous. Zombies love fabulous.

BOBBIE - I'm so sorry your week has been so sucky, and I'm so glad I could pass on a smile. Be well, and take care of yourself. :)

Mandy said...

I'll inherit Daddy's .357 Dan Wesson with the assorted barrels. "Hmm... which barrel shall I use to pop a cap in a Zombie's ass today...?" Got me a couple .22s and my Browning Pump Shotgun, too.

In the South we inherit land, guns and our Granny's sweet tea recipe.

All y'all just get behind me n Jen and keep us powered with Spam and margaritas- we'll handle the rest. (True story: Mama was tryin out Daddy's new shotgun and told me "Hold mah wiiiine." BOOM "Well, damn. My aim's improved with my drankin."

Yeah. I inherited that too.

We complete us!

Gia said...

Yeah, every time I think about the apocalypse I go, "I should really get some batteries and bottled water..." and then I don't. Shame.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

I live in earthquake country and I'm not even prepared for earthquakes. Let me lay this out for you: if things collapse to the level that I can't hole up in my house for a couple of days until someone fixes the electricity at Target -- then I don't WANT to survive.

Also, don't bother stockpiling bullion. Gold can not be eaten or worn for warmth (although it can be used for really shitty dentistry) so if the economy truly falls apart, the only thing you will be able to do is barter with dentists. You better hope the dentists in your area are stashing things you need.

My urban list is more like: buy bullets for guns, learn to siphon gas and hot-wire cars, pick up water purification tablets, hoard medicine....PROFIT.

Andrea said...

Forget salt, we watched 5 minutesof Dance Moms Miami last night and ithink my blood pressure shot through the roof! Jen-o-cide? Love it!

Youngman Brown said...

Okay, I've been told about this show before, but now you have convinced me to check it out. I trust you!

And awesome list. I think you are all set for the apocalypse!

adowling said...

My husband and I are devout watchers of the Doomsday Preppers. During the opening sequence I turn to him and say "My name is April and I'm prepping for the inevitable collision with the Andromeda galaxy". Our favorite is the "into the spider hole" guy. He had his shit together. Our prepping plan is to crash with him or the hippies in the silo; mind you, we know neither do there will be some awkwardness but it'll pass.

On a side note, your blog is freaking awesome. That's all, just awesome.

Jen said...

MANDY- We are gun buddies, yo! I have a 99mm., a .357 and a Glock. You are the wind beneath my wings y'all!

GIA - Meh. . . I've got your back!

ANDI - "Pfft!" I'm totally jacked, aren't I? Time to start building alliances with my fellow tributes.

thoughtsappear said...

There's nothing on this list about chocolate. I'm going to get really cranky without chocolate.

I saw something about Doomsday Preppers on TV the other day, and I realized I'm not at all prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

The only thing I have stockpiled is flavored vodka.

PS: I'm posting about your man today.

HappyArmyWife said...

Did you see the episode where the guy made some ridiculous machete shovel? He then took his sons out to practice shooting and promptly blew his thumb off. His excuse was that his thumb "slipped in front of the barrel and the gun somehow went off". What a bitch, can't even own up to his negligent discharge. My DH and I just shook our heads and rolled our eyes. As Bugs Bunny would say, "What a maroon".

Hubbers has his service weapon and our personal weapon in the house, and I'm getting a small hunting rifle at some point this year. Plus, I can food (for fun and the taste/environmental concerns) and I like to garden. I think we stand a chance!

Shameless plug time! If you have any interest in the outdoors, try looking up your local BOW (Becoming An Outdoors Woman) program. I know that the one in MD is a good time of booze and crafts and summer camp atmosphere.

Jen said...

THOUGHTSY - Flavored vodka will go a long way when you're bargaining at The Hob. I'd say you're all sett. ;)

HAPPY - LOVED that episode! Second only to the one where the guy was building illegal pipe boms. . .on national television! These cray-cray people are my raison d'etre.

Kate said...

Costco carries "One Month Pack - all the food you'll need for a month!" boxes. Not shitting you. I took a picture. Perfect for "everyday, food storage, emergencies, or camping!" Or hoarding in your bunker! They left that last one off but I know it's implied.

mark said...

You've got a fair bit of work ahead of you! My plan: find someplace nice to watch from as there's no escaping that shit. The first step is acceptance.

Britt said...

Can I be part of your posse? I can offer you some of my fat if you promise to share your home made methane bombs.

Jen said...

YOUNGMAN - That show is bomb. You'll be hooked.

KATE - CostCo goes conspiracy theorist! Love it!

MARK - You're a far braver person than I. I just know I'll be running around screaming like a little bitch.

BRITT - You can hunker in my bunker any time, Girl. . .that sounded dirtier than I intended.

hoodyhoo said...

Technically, your resume should read "killed her a BAHR when she was only three." Pronunciation is important.

NellieVaughn said...

It is very true that when one believes in a major catastrophic event, one will remain unharmed. I believed something terrible would happen at the end of this year, and it still might (I may get drunk and hurt my butt bone), but I would survive the disaster.

Jen said...

HOODY - God, I love you, you crazy bitch!

NELLIE - It is always the true believer like Jeff Goldblum in Deep Impact or Arnold Schwarzeneggar in End of Days that survives, isn't it?