Monday, April 16, 2012

Puttin' the "Fun" Back in "Funeral"


After spending the last 48 hours blowing my nose more times than a coked-up hotel heiress and coughing up enough phlegm to choke a narwhal, I have come to the conclusion that I’m dying. Well, I mean. . .technically we’re all dying. This very moment, every cell and nerve ending in your body is slowly breaking down and will eventually die off altogether.  So, I'd advise you to start panicking now.*
*Well, I suppose you could just be all Zen-like and be at peace with your imminent mortality, but c’mon.  The argument for psychosis vs. enlightenment and spirituality pretty much makes itself.
Even if you eat healthy and exercise, you will only delay the inevitable, but go ahead and do it anyway so you at least look cute on the autopsy table.  Seeing as how I am obviously just one virus away from the Big Sleep, I decided it was time to begin putting my affairs in order and making sure that in death (as in life) it is all about me.

RULE #1:
If I die as the result of some gruesome crime or trendy disease like mesothelioma or monkey AIDS the media is bound to take notice.  If you are contacted for a tearful interview or to collaborate on the film adaptation, you are permitted to speak with the following: John Quinones, Matt Lauer, Tom Brokaw, Sean Hannity, Morgan Spurlock, or my fellow Oregonian, Ann Curry.  At no time are you ever to speak to Stone Phillips, Anderson Cooper, Michael Moore, Larry King, or Oprah Winfrey. . .she knows why.

RULE #2:
Seeing as how I’m all benevolent and shit, I am a card-carrying organ donor.  That being said, I don’t want my corneas and aortic valves going to just anyone.  I have standards.  So if it comes down to two or more potential recipients I would like the following to be used as a tie-breaker.
·        No prior felonies.
·        Must be committed to lobbying for tort reform.
·        Can recite all of the lyrics to Nicki Minaj’s “Starship”.
·        Can name the actor that played Cousin Oliver on “The Brady Bunch”.
It would also be fabulous if the recipient was at least 5’7” and weighed between 115-125 pounds as I was never able to achieve said status in life.

RULE #3:
If I am murdered by my ex-spouse I want Ann Rule to write the book.  At no time shall I be portrayed in the inevitable LifeTime Movie of the Week by Kellie Martin, Candace Cameron, Tori Spelling, or any alumni of “Saved By the Bell”.
Except for Screech.  Screech is rad as shit.


RULE #4:
Rather than a hearse, I would like my corpse transported by the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. And pick up the pace, y’all! No twenty mile an hour pileup that ruins traffic for everybody else, please. I hated getting stuck behind those motherfuckers while I was living, I certainly don't want to be the cause of them now that I'm not. The last thing I want is some overindulged suburban hausfrau cursing my desiccated husk for making her late to her Junior League bake sale.

RULE #5:
I do not wish my tombstone to simply say “Mother” or “Friend”.  Get creative with phrases like “Warrior Princess” or “Supreme Mistress of the Underworld”.  It’s not like anyone is going to actually verify it.  And for Christ’s sake use a decent font because if I’m taking a dirt nap in perpetuity under some Comic Sans douchebaggery then I will haunt your ass. And at least once a year I ask that you stand at my grave and pour a little malt liquor on the grass.  Keep it gangsta, yo.
"This one's for my homie."

RULE #6:
Don’t hold back the waterworks.  You might assume that given my cynical nature and propensity for dickery that I would want a whimsical and light-hearted eulogy.  You’d be wrong.  I want you all to cry like a pack of little bitches.  Pick a church with good acoustics.

RULE #7:
While we’re on the subject of who shall deliver my eu-googily, I have two words: Morgan Freeman.  That is all.

RULE #8:
I expect all of you to stand up and talk about how fabulous I am.  Don’t be shy; now is not the time for polite discretion.  I have supplied some helpful conversation starters to get the ball rolling.  You’re welcome.
·        “Jen led a life of joy, passion, and childlike wonder…”
·        “When I compare myself to Jen I see just how pointless my existence has been…”
·        “I’ve always been secretly jealous of Jen…”
·        FOR MY EXES: “When I look at the coterie of skank-ass ‘hos I dumped Jen for, I now see that it was just a way of pushing away her pure and undying love in order to mask my own insecurities and closeted homosexuality…”
·        “Few people know this, but Jen was the inspiration for Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’…”
·        “Later in life, Jen developed an allergy to shellfish and angst…”
·        “I’d now like to step down so we can hear from the man who knew her best: Nathan Fillion…”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick just the right ensemble to put the “fun” in “funeral”.  Ooh!  Do you think H&M makes shrouds?

39 comments:

Tova said...

All I want is the first 5-10 minutes of Evita. Not much to ask.

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

These all seem like perfectly reasonable requests. Although I would have chose James Earl Jones over Morgan Freeman.

Tiffany Turner said...

Girl, you're whack.
My mom's only request for her funeral is that "Spirit in the Sky" is played full blast.

Jana said...

Yep, right there with you lady! I applaud your ban on the Saved by the Bell cast - I have yet to watch screech's porno, but you know, I think I still have time.

And, once, my cousin jumped on top of her mom's casket at her funeral. At the time, it was really sad, but I think I was the only one to shout HOLY FUCK...and make a Joe Pesci comment

Jen said...

TOVA - Pfft! Perfectly reasonable, yo.

ALLY - In the absence of Morgan and James Earl, Allison Janney is also acceptable.

TIFFANY - I will be having either "Gangsta's Paradise" or "Rollin' With the Homies" played.

JANA - I actually have seen the Screech porn. Don't judge.

Kelly said...

Don't forget that you need to have a shiv engraved on your stone, and if I may, I'd like the honor of Bedazzling your casket. I've got hot glue gun skillz. And have the guys from firehouse 9 be your pall bearers.

Are you going to invite Office Skank just for some drama?

I want my epitaph to read: "Her DVR is still full."

geeky-girl.me said...

I've told my kids that I want "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen, and blast it over the Rocky Mountains.

Tainted Fibers said...

Samuel L Jackson would deliver my eulogy of choice. And 'When the Saint's Go Marching In', played New Orleans style. And if my family allows me to be viewed, I will haunt their asses forever.

Suz said...

I was really getting tired of sifting through crappy blogs until I found yours. Not crappy at all. Planning to read more later.

mark said...

"Jen was able to break down international boundaries with only a few keystrokes. Her passion for bacon was second only to her love of Nathan Fillion who she happily married after Nathan came to his senses and replied to all of her tweets. A philanthropist, epic writer and devoted wife and mother, Jen will be remembered fondly by all."

Thought you might want to have that ready for printing in the bulletin for the service.

Jen said...

GEEK GIRL - That. Is. Beautiful.

FIBERS - Open caskets are jacked up, fo' sho'. Nobody wants to see that hot mess.

SUZ - Thanks, Chica! :) Welcome!

MARK - Oh God, Mark, that brought me so much joy. So much bacon-flavored joy.

WeezaFish said...

Love your positive and proactive approach to death. We could all learn a lesson here. Not sure what it is yet, but we could learn something.

Ach du lieber said...

I was all over this until you chose Morgan Freeman for the eulogy. I would expect none other than Nathan Fillian to expound upon your graces.

Tsk, tsk.

thoughtsappear said...

"technically we’re all dying"---Wait...what?

Gia said...

Ha! How about "Jen: Queen of the Bloggiverse"?

Jen said...

WEEZA - I'm all about keepin' it educational over heah.

JAYNE - Obviously Nathan will be too distraught to eulogize. Duh!

THOUGHTSY - Oh. . .umm. . .except for you. Yeah, that's it.

GIA - Ooh! Me likey!

Johi said...

Following up what Suz said, I think the tombstone could read, "Ethereal Goddess of Wisdom, Wit and Words- specifically non-crappy ones."

Pish Posh said...

Ah Ann Rule, good choice. I love crime fiction so much. She's not my favorite, but she's tops.

If your ex-spouse murders you can I write the screenplay at least?

Also, if my ex-partner murders me, can you make sure that Lee Child writes my book? Don't send me off to some sort of Nora Roberts holiday cruise fashionista crime novel.

I won't let anyone use Comic Sans ever my Ninjas are on it.

Wily Guy said...

Come on... Tori Spelling has range...and she's never cooked a meal on it.

You can't die. The universe doesn't have enough funny women, at least until Wanda Sykes has some kids.

Morgan Freeman? Seriously? God is speaking at your funeral?

I figure if I ever become terminally I'll, I'm doing a whole movie, maybe I'll even have it is 3D.

WG
http://itsmynd.com

Mandy said...

"Jen is my long-lost better looking twin. We bonded over a mutual hatred of bureaucracy. Visiting every restaurant featured in her "Foodie Friday" blog is tops on my bucket list. She's my fucking role model. Let's all raise some Hennessy to our girl Jen...nessy." (ok... It needs work.)

Andrea said...

Can we each take a turn wearing the red cape when we speak at the funeral? (I assume it is going with you after that.) Do you want to appoint one person in particular to let Nathan know?

Brett Minor said...

I have lots of experience having fun at funerals. I will be sure to be there and make sure everyone is having a good time.

Misty said...

I'm totally throwing myself on your grave, whilst tearing my hair out and screaming "why, God, why? Not my Jen! Not in the prime of her life. Take me instead! My life will now never be complete without her dickery to entertain me. NO!!!"

Then I'm totally investigating the Office Skank. You know she'll have had something to do with your eventual demise.

Jen said...

Johi - I'm gonna need a big-ass tombstone. ;)

PISH POSH - How did you get ninjas!?!? I WANT NINJAS!!!

SCOTT - I've said it before and I'll say it again: there is but one person who could properly portray me -- Chelsea Handler.

MANDY - ((s-l-o-w c-l-a-p)) That. Was. Majestic.

ANDREA - Nathan will be there, prostrate with grief, preparing to hurl himself on the funeral pyre. . .'cuz I'm totally having a pyre.

BRETT - You're in charge of snacks. Get on that.

MISTY - My dickery knows no corporeal bounds. I shall continue to haunt (er, I mean) entertain you from the grave. I bequeath you the tormenting of the Skank...do me proud, my friend.

Bill Dameron said...

All I want is to attend my own funeral. I want to see thousands pouring the hearts and tears out...I am a bit melodramatic.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

Wow. My only funeral request was that I be cremated, because I'm afraid of being buried alive. I see that I need to step it up if I'm gonna hang with you.

Let's see, I have to make sure my mother doesn't give the eulogy, because she'll tell the truth about me and I'm not sure anyone's ready for that. I better get a pen and paper and write this down....

Jen said...

BILL - "My heeeart will go oooooooon..." Pfft! Whether or not you attend your own funeral, I promise to be front and center; throwin' out the mad-ass drama, yo! It's the LEAST I could do for a fellow Drama Queen.

ANDI - Oh crap. If my mom or sister get anywhere NEAR my eulogy I'm screwed. Howza-bout you and Misty collaborate on it? I trust you both as she can encompass my overall douchebaggery and you can grasp my "Nerd-Girl-Firefly-Junkie" persona. Between you both I'd say we're set! :)

Youngman Brown said...

Like Nick Swardson, I just want John Stamos to show up at my funeral.

Hoody Hoo said...

Can I talk to Anderson Cooper if I promise to carry him in my pocket and use him as a hankie? 'Cause he's so frilly....

Jen said...

YOUNGMAN - Uncle Jesse is too much to hope for. I'm just hoping Stephanie Tanner is out of rehab in time for the festivities.

HOODY - AI don't care if he's gay; Anderson Cooper makes my lady garden tingle.

L-Kat said...

Rule #5 is the best. Also, I want to be buried in sweatpants and a tank top. Let's be honest: that's my favorite thing to wear, and if I have to wear one thing for my eternal rest, I want to be friggin comfortable.

Meg said...

"Jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop, I own that. Not gonna pay my rent this month I owe that..." Do I get dibs on an kidney? :)

bloggertobenanedlater said...

H&M shrouds. *snort* I am so on that. No sense looking less than stylish and frugal as you exit this mortal coil. You were not clear enough though on the type of malt liquor you want poured. Are you an Old English 800 girl or do you prefer the full tilt badness of King Cobra?

Jen said...

LKAT- I'm being buried in stilettos. It may be the only time I can wear them without my feet feeling like crap.

MEG - oh my CRAP, Girl! Name the organ and it's yours. That was glorious.

NellieVaughn said...

I don't like death, and I think we should put a stop to this insanity. It really should be made illegal. Anyway, I will follow these rules, except #3. Tori Spelling keeps popping out children, and she needs the money.

Maggi Shelbourn said...

Although I have not yet made plans for my last party on this plane, my husband is very clear on the subject of the engraving on his tombstone: "I told you I wasn't feeling well." It's even in his Last Will and Testament.

Sheila said...

First time to comment on here but I had to because of the hearse you wanted to ride in. I just passed and OscarMeyermobile yesterday on the expressway on my way home from work. What a coincidincky.

Jen said...

BLOGGERTBNL- Mickey's or Night Train would be splendid.

NELLIE - Death is highly overrated. I prefer a good maiming - huzzah!

MAGGI - Classic! I love it!

SHEILA - WHERE!?!? I haven't seen a Wienermobile in years! ((sigh))

Sheila said...

Jen, regarding the Wienermobile, I saw it in Memphis. I'll so hook you up when the time comes my friend, lol.