Monday, April 2, 2012

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 12

ALEX: You know what would be cool?  A video game where you help all of the people who were injured in other video games like Halo or World of Warcraft.  You could call it HMO and just keep handing out paperwork until they eventually all died.

ME:  Going to church makes me feel really guilty.  I mean, why did Jesus have to DIE for my sins?  Couldn't he have just, like, gotten a sinus infection for my sins?

JESS: The Olympics are going to seem really lame after seeing “The Hunger Games”.

MAX: I’m going to McDonald’s.  You want anything?
ME: A salad.
MAX: Seriously?  Going to McDonald’s for salad is like going to a prostitute and asking if you can “just cuddle”.

KELLY: I went to Catholic school when I was a kid.  I used to dress my Barbie as a nun and have her beat the crap out of Skipper.
ALEX: Yeah, that's the difference between Catholics and Jews.  We're born with guilt; you guys have to go to school to learn it.

ME: Did you wash your hands after you went to the bathroom?
MAX: No.  Why?  It's just my dick.  If my hands get so dirty after touching it then I need a trip to the Free Clinic, not a bar of Dove and a paper towel.

WAITER AT 'GENOA': Today we have a free-range filet of Kobe beef with a delicate marinade of rosemary-infused balsamic vinaigrette served over a bed of whipped root vegetables with a white truffle-oil reduction.  Would you care for a drink to start?
KELLY: Yes, I would like a cylindrical, hand-blown drinking vessel filled with a transparent, odorless, extra-wet melange of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.

GINA:  I totally believe in reincarnation.  I know I've had past lives because I'm really tired.

ALEX: This guy at work made some Jewish joke and I was like, “Umm, I’m Jewish,  Anne Frank-ly those jokes are outside of Mein Kampf-ort zone”.
ME: I bet he did Nazi that one coming.
ALEX: We’re both going to hell.


Gia said...

Ha! I always love these posts. Hunger games one for the win.

Starle said...

Ha! I think this one eats the rest of the SCSBMF posts! The reincarnation one made my day! I'm going to have to use that.

L-Kat said...

Oh Autocorrect. This weekend I told my mom that I was drinking cheap gin and tonics at a gross bar, but that the "lines" were fantastic. She asked me when I started doing coke. My phone changed "limes" to "lines." WTF? Limes is a word!

Charcoal Renderings said...

I really hope you asked that waiter to repeat his/her statement slowly, so that you could copy it down on a napkin right there.

Jen said...

GIA - She has a point. If no one dies during the javelin toss then what's the big whoop?

STARLE - Gina is never at a loss for repeatable phrases. Most of which cause you to facepalm.

L-KAT - The fact that your mom thinks you're doing coke caused me such great joy, you have no idea.

CHARCOAL - That is a perfect description of every waiter in Portland. Every. Damned. One.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

I love the video game idea. You could also have a funeral planning level.

Brett Minor said...

This is the best one yet.

Do the waiters in Portland have a sense of humor? I don't see being able to let this go.

Jen said...

CARRIE - Alex is an evil genius. he WILL make this happen.

BRETT - Sense of humor? From a hipster? Pfft! As if...

Misty said...

Kelly's comeback for the win. How long has she been waiting to use that one on one of those hipster waiters? I can imagine the reaction was a basic I don't get it nor do I care face.

Once again Alex is a funny mofo, but yes, both of you are on the express train right to hell. But please do continue the inappropriateness until that time comes. For my enjoyment.

I love how you feel you have to ask Max if he washed his hands. You 2 have a very strange relationship.

Jen said...

MISTY - Kelly got the patented Portland hipster sneer but Sweet Jeebus it was worth it. And strange does not BEGIN to describe Max and my relationship. I feel like Ted Bundy's mother: both protective and loving while equally repulsed by his behavior.

Mandy said...

You know... the Olympics really ARE gonna suck after seeing The Hunger Games. Sad.

Andrea said...

Hand blown drinking vessel! Love it!

Phoenix Rising said...

Installment #12? This is a book in the making for sure!

Kelly said...

Kelly ordering water was. uh.may.zing.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

I'm now going to tell people that my past lives are the reason I'm tired. Hell, I don't know the reason but that sounds good so I'm stealing it.

Just saw the Hunger Games on Saturday and yeah....the Olympics need to step up their game.

Bexstar said...

Oh my god, the waiter hand blown glass one had me pissing. I'm in my bed, in the dark, catching up on all my Dave bloggers before I pimp out of the conscious world for the night. Thank u for making me laugh. Today sucked a chode x

WeezaFish said...

Love these posts, your guys are like, SO funny. But you are. Really.

Anonymous said...

You know, it's always pissed me off that men don't wash their hands after they pee.

Jen said...

MANDY - I know, right?

ANDREA - Kelly gets a s-l-ow-c-l-a-p for that one! :)

PHOENIX - Don't tease me, I am wicked tempted to send these off to a publisher!

KELLY - Everything about Kelly is Uh. May. Zing. Must be the name. oh. . .except. . .that's not really her name. Meh, either way, you are both rad.

BEX- Today sucked the mighty tortoise scrotum for me too. Glad I could sprinkle some sunshine and shit in your direction. XOXO

WEEZA- My friends keep me sane...relatively speaking.

NELLIE - Seriously!?!? I understand when it's my nine year old short people but Max is 27! Damn, Brother!