ALEX: You know what would be cool? A video game where you help all of the people who were injured in other video games like Halo or World of Warcraft. You could call it HMO and just keep handing out paperwork until they eventually all died.
ME: Going to church makes me feel really guilty. I mean, why did Jesus have to DIE for my sins? Couldn't he have just, like, gotten a sinus infection for my sins?
JESS: The Olympics are going to seem really lame after seeing “The Hunger Games”.
MAX: I’m going to McDonald’s. You want anything?
ME: A salad.
MAX: Seriously? Going to McDonald’s for salad is like going to a prostitute and asking if you can “just cuddle”.
KELLY: I went to Catholic school when I was a kid. I used to dress my Barbie as a nun and have her beat the crap out of Skipper.
ALEX: Yeah, that's the difference between Catholics and Jews. We're born with guilt; you guys have to go to school to learn it.
ME: Did you wash your hands after you went to the bathroom?
MAX: No. Why? It's just my dick. If my hands get so dirty after touching it then I need a trip to the Free Clinic, not a bar of Dove and a paper towel.
WAITER AT 'GENOA': Today we have a free-range filet of Kobe beef with a delicate marinade of rosemary-infused balsamic vinaigrette served over a bed of whipped root vegetables with a white truffle-oil reduction. Would you care for a drink to start?
KELLY: Yes, I would like a cylindrical, hand-blown drinking vessel filled with a transparent, odorless, extra-wet melange of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.
GINA: I totally believe in reincarnation. I know I've had past lives because I'm really tired.
ALEX: This guy at work made some Jewish joke and I was like, “Umm, I’m Jewish, Anne Frank-ly those jokes are outside of Mein Kampf-ort zone”.
ME: I bet he did Nazi that one coming.
ALEX: We’re both going to hell.