GUY AT 'SAUCEBOX': I like your tattoo, what is it?
KELLY: It's the symbol for Liberty. I'm a Libertarian.
GUY: Oh, cool! I'm a Gemini.
MAX: That girl's hot. I'm gonna ask her out.
ALEX: Dude, she's way out of your league. It's like she's Babe Ruth and you're a tee-ball coach with questionable pictures on your hard drive.
GINA: When I die, make sure I don't get buried in a long skirt because they're super hard to pee in and I just KNOW the afterlife has a bar.
ME: Do you like my dress?
MAX: Yeah. You look like "Walk of Shame" Barbie.
ME: "Drinking the Kool'Aid" is a jacked up phrase to use when talking about team spirit. Don't people realize it's a reference about mass genocide?
ALEX: Yeah, next thing you know Chase Bank will be advertising a "Holocaust of Savings!"
JESS: They need a channel called The Home Browsing Network. You know, just show the stuff but don't show the number to call.
GINA: The sequel is never as good as the original.
ALEX: Except for World War II. It totally kicked World War I's ass.
ME: Just deal with this project one step at a time. You know that old saying about how to eat an elephant?
ME: One bite at a time.
MAX: Oh, like that thing about how to dispose of a dead hooker?
ME: . . .
MAX: Cut her up with a chainsaw and bury the parts separately.
ME: . . .
MAX: Not the same thing?
KELLY: Were you able to water my plants while I was gone?
KELLY'S IDIOT NEIGHBOR: No, I couldn't.
KELLY: Don't you still have my keys?
NEIGHBOR: Yeah, I stopped by your house but I couldn't get in.
KELLY: What do you mean you couldn't get in?
NEIGHBOR: Well, I knocked, but no one answered the door.
KELLY: But. . .you had my keys.
NEIGHBOR: Yeah. Do you want them back?
ME: Guys like Santorum give Republicans a bad name. Now everyone thinks we're abortion-clinic-bombing-anti-gay assholes.
MAX: Now you know how I feel. Everyone thinks Mexicans are just cheap landscapers.
ME: We don't have a lot of Mexicans in my neighborhood.
MAX: Maybe that's why your lawn looks so shitty.
GINA: Sarah had a really difficult labor so they had to deliver her second baby via circumcision.
ME: Marriage is like IKEA. You think you have all the parts to make it work but in the end you're just alone in the dark, crying and stabbing yourself with an Allen wrench.
MY PROFESSOR(turning on the overhead projector): Ordinarily this is where I would hand out the syllabus and we would discuss it but the copier is broken again and the Dean is too damned cheap to get us a new one so instead I'd like to share this YouTube video of a walrus doing push-ups.