Monday, April 30, 2012

Stupidest Crap ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 13

GUY AT 'SAUCEBOX': I like your tattoo, what is it?
KELLY: It's the symbol for Liberty.  I'm a Libertarian.
GUY: Oh, cool!  I'm a Gemini.


MAX: That girl's hot.  I'm gonna ask her out.
ALEX: Dude, she's way out of your league.  It's like she's Babe Ruth and you're a tee-ball coach with questionable pictures on your hard drive.


GINA: When I die, make sure I don't get buried in a long skirt because they're super hard to pee in and I just KNOW the afterlife has a bar.


ME: Do you like my dress?
MAX: Yeah. You look like "Walk of Shame" Barbie.






ME: "Drinking the Kool'Aid" is a jacked up phrase to use when talking about team spirit.  Don't people realize it's a reference about mass genocide?
ALEX: Yeah, next thing you know Chase Bank will be advertising a "Holocaust of Savings!"


JESS: They need a channel called The Home Browsing Network.  You know, just show the stuff but don't show the number to call.


GINA: The sequel is never as good as the original.
ALEX: Except for World War II.  It totally kicked World War I's ass.


ME: Just deal with this project one step at a time.  You know that old saying about how to eat an elephant?
MAX: How?
ME: One bite at a time.
MAX: Oh, like that thing about how to dispose of a dead hooker?
ME: . . .
MAX: Cut her up with a chainsaw and bury the parts separately.
ME: . . .
MAX: Not the same thing?


KELLY: Were you able to water my plants while I was gone?
KELLY'S IDIOT NEIGHBOR: No, I couldn't.
KELLY: Don't you still have my keys?
NEIGHBOR: Yeah, I stopped by your house but I couldn't get in.
KELLY: What do you mean you couldn't get in?
NEIGHBOR: Well, I knocked, but no one answered the door.
KELLY: But. . .you had my keys.
NEIGHBOR: Yeah.  Do you want them back?





ME: Guys like Santorum give Republicans a bad name.  Now everyone thinks we're abortion-clinic-bombing-anti-gay assholes.
MAX: Now you know how I feel.  Everyone thinks Mexicans are just cheap landscapers.
ME: We don't have a lot of Mexicans in my neighborhood.
MAX: Maybe that's why your lawn looks so shitty.


GINA: Sarah had a really difficult labor so they had to deliver her second baby via circumcision.


ME: Marriage is like IKEA.  You think you have all the parts to make it work but in the end you're just alone in the dark, crying and stabbing yourself with an Allen wrench.


MY PROFESSOR(turning on the overhead projector): Ordinarily this is where I would hand out the syllabus and we would discuss it but the copier is broken again and the Dean is too damned cheap to get us a new one so instead I'd like to share this YouTube video of a walrus doing push-ups.

32 comments:

Front Desk Ninja said...

Was the walrus funny?

And maybe Max could make your lawn look better....

haha, I giggled the entire time I was reading this. I love these posts. So, So soooo much.

Frankie said...

Oh Jen, I squealed like a teeny bopper at a bieber concert. You complete me. No word verficiation?! the world just got a little dark right now

Mandy said...

I feel woefully underprivileged that FSU did NOT have any professors like yours. Our overhead projectors always worked and it was a rare day one of them had a sense of humor. #1 party school my ass.

Wait... that referred to the STUDENTS.

Nevermind. Just... nevermind.

Jen said...

NINJA - The walrus was majestic. And my professor is a fucking god.

FRANKIE - Everyone lost their shit over the word verifications, but I may need to reinstate them as I've been getting more Spam than a Hawaiian linebacker.

MANDY - All of us here at PSU have very bitter, dark senses of humor. I think it's because of the shitty weather.

sars said...

You complete me.

Well, you and Curtis.

And for the record, I would go to Rehab and/or DUI School because that's where you find the hottest DD's. 'just saying.

Jen said...

SARS - I love you both so damned hard. Wish I was in cali with you guys. :(

Andrea said...

I hope Kelly took here keys back...that neighbor is not to be trusted!

Suniverse said...

I love these posts.

But then they make me sad because I am not there in person to share them with you.

mark said...

Where the hell is the YouTube video of the walrus doing pushups, Jen? Come on! You're killing me here.

Awesome. All of it.

Jen said...

ANDREA - That is some scary shit right there, yo.

SUNI - Come to P-Town and join in the dickery!

MARK - Here you go! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXJl1fuFAKU

mistyslaws said...

Should we be worried about Max? I mean, not in the normal he's a manwhore and probably has a dozen STDs and possibly an illegitimate child or two out there kinda way. I mean, should we be trying to get him legal representation and telling him to remain silent right about now?

Jillian said...

You're at PSU?! DAMMIT! Come visit me in Corvallis this fall!

Oh and I basically peed my pants, thanks :-)

Wily Guy said...

Circumcision....hysterical...

Jen said...

MISTY - There are oh so many reasons why we should worry about Max. But he's pretty to look at so God help me, we just kinda let it slide.

JILLIAN - Wah-WHAT!?!? I did my undergrad gig at OSU; we'll have to meet for pizza at the American Dream! :)

SCOTT - And Gina is an attorney, I shit you not.

Brett Minor said...

We had some Mexican neighbors last year. The mother sent her teenage sons over to rake my yard to pay me back for SOMETHING (I don't remember what). When I saw them in my yard, I stepped out and said, "This is great. I always wanted a Mexican gardener."

They weren't allowed to talk to me after that.

Gia said...

Hilarious as usual! Also please no dont bring back CAPTCHA pleaaaaaaaase

Johi said...

It's almost too much, yet it isn't. Clearly, I love all of this.

Curmudgeon said...

Here in Dogpatch those people would be in mensa.

Funny.

Chillin'Villain said...

Oh gosh, if I were Kelly I would pack up and move, cause clearly all of her neighbors are all so frickin idiotic that she had to pick Justgoshdamnstupid over Igota12onmySATs and Whywon'tmypetrockanswerme. So sad *facepalm*.

Wait Max is Mexican?!?! That changes the whole picture!! I'd now be willing to look past his man-whore, douchebag ways and send a Que Pasa his way.

P.S.- This is the make or break eppy. If it has no redeeming qualities, after May 11th, Castle will have a new showruiner...*cough*, I mean, showrunner.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

Kelly's neighbor, in his place, with stupidity = Clue solution to her plant's murder.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

You know what's frightening about you and your friends? Even when you're saying stupid crap....you're usually right. Especially about WWII.

Jen said...

BRETT - Oh, Brett. . .that was so beautifully politically incorrect...my heart is filled with such unbridled joy right now. :)

GIA - Captcha is a bigger bitch than Spam, fo sho.

JOHI - I knew you would, my sweet. I knew you would. How are you doing this week? You've been in my thought, my sistah.

CURMUDGEON - Good, God man WHERE DO YOU LIVE!?!?

CV - Max is one spicy/sweet piece o' Mexican chocolate. Picture Andy Garcia mixed with Channing Tatum. Umm. . .yeah. . .

Tonight had BETTER serve up some Caskett goodness or I am jumping in my hoopty-hoop and driving to L.A. to personally kick Andrew Marlowe in the sack. This shit's gettin' real, yo!

CARRIE - Parker/Bradley reference for the win! I love you so hard. :)

Jen said...

ANDI - Umm, yeah...right? Of course we're usually totally inappropriate but we still manage to be be politically "timely". My friends are equal parts brilliant and moronic.

Pish Posh said...

A) your professor sounds like me sometimes when I am fed up in the classroom b) the Mexican thing is funny and c) I LOVE DUI FRIDAYS. I mean. You know what I mean.

Shit.

I need to go to rehab.

chemgirljaime said...

lmfao.. I wish more prof's were like that. Personally I think the syllabus should just be online and you should be able to print it off or not... that way it saves trees... or something like that...

I love your friends!

hoodyhoo said...

My best professor story is a toss-up between the one who took us to a Mexican joint for "finals" (you passed if you could match her shot for shot) and the one who, upon discovering the college bookstore had not ordered our textbooks, opened the window and yelled "FUCK THE BOOKSTORE!!!" and sent us home until the books came in.

Kelly said...

I desperately needed giggles this morning. Thanks, Chica. <3

Jen said...

PISH POSH - That's totally the kind of shit I do for my students as well. I have learned from the Master.

JAIME - Fortunately, Gina, Kelly, Jess, Alex, Max and I are rarely all six in the same place at the same time. The sheer awesomeness would implode the universe.

HOODY - I WANT TO GO TO YOUR SCHOOL!!!

KELLY - Any time, Sister-Girl. :)

WeezaFish said...

Loving the Dirty Dancing text messages. And I want to meet Kellys neighbour, Can I pleeeeease?

thoughtsappear said...

I'm confused. People eat elephants?

Pish Posh said...

Ha. I did a Hoodyhoo professor once and everyone freaked out. So now I don't do that. But damn I thought we were bonding :)

Erica Burns said...

Your professor's quote had me laughing.. totally sounds like something that would happen at UMass Where I work lol