Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Conversations With Jess: Don't You Forget About Me

JESS: How was your Mother's Day?

ME: Relatively uneventful.  J drank so much root beer that he power-luged all over the patio and M totally lost his shit in the middle of Target.  Typical day.  How about you?

JESS: We got a sitter and went out to El Fuego.

ME: Oh shit.  You didn't drink tequila did you? Jess? TELL me you didn't drink tequila!

JESS: Guilty as charged, mi amiga.

ME: Oh my God.  Did "she" show up?

JESS: You mean "Bad Jess"?  Oh yeah, in all her splendor.  The last thing I remember is singing "Rolling In The Deep" with some guy outside the 7-11.  And I think I may have ordered the first season of "Sanford & Son" on DVD.  I'll know when the Visa bill gets here.

ME:  Am I going to start seeing you at AA?

JESS:  Why?  So they can tow my car?

ME: Wait. . .what?  That's Triple-A, you dipshit!  AA is a totally different club altogether.

JESS: Pfft!  I'd have to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse playing Mario Kart in my living room before I'd quit drinking.  I don't know how the hell you did it.

ME:  I didn't have a choice.  You don't get it because you aren't an alcoholic, whereas I was sinking vodka faster than the Lusitania.

JESS: Ooh!  Obscure maritime reference for the win!

ME: I am a veritable font of motherfucking knowledge, yo.

JESS: Indeed.  So how's that guy you're seeing.

ME: Meh. . .I broke up with him.

JESS: So, what was wrong with THIS one?

ME: What's that supposed to mean?

JESS: All I mean is, you complain about being the crazy cat lady who lives alone eating Soup For One and collecting Anne Geddes posters and yet you dismiss perfectly decent guys for stupid reasons!

ME: They aren't stupid!

JESS:  OK. . .Paul.

ME: He had a Nickelback CD in his car.

JESS:  Kevin.

ME:  He put mustard on his french fries.

JESS:  John.

ME:  He always said "irregardless", I mean, c'mon.  That's not even a word!

JESS:  OK, I'll give you that one.  Tom.

ME:  He always wore Nikes.

JESS:  He WORKED for Nike!

ME: yeah, but. . .still.

JESS:  I give up.  You're smart, you're funny, you aren't physically repellent, and you have a near effortless ability to create a masterpiece of verbal profanity that would make a prison guard blush.  You deserve a decent guy so stop pushing them all away.  Not all men are like Gil.  If they were, the human race would die off.

ME:  OK, OK.  Don't get all "Hallmark Hall of Fame" on me.  It's too early for me to handle this Danielle Steel level of intimacy.

JESS:  Fuck you.

ME:  That's better.  Gina got all sappy on my this morning and I don't want to cry twice in one day.  It totally kills my gangsta street cred.

JESS:  Gina can't help being sweet.  She's the Molly Ringwald.

ME:  The what?

JESS:  The Molly Ringwald!  Haven't you noticed that in any given group of friends, everyone falls into one specific "Breakfast Club" persona?  The princess, the athlete, the brain, the criminal, and the basket case.  Gina's our princess.  She's the Molly Ringwald.

ME:  She IS cute as hell.  This year she was on, like, every page of her law office's brochure.

JESS:  That's just because she's the only one who works there who wasn't alive when a Roosevelt was president.  Their old brochure looked like a print ad for Polident.

ME:  She's also gorgeous.  And she never farts.  And she doesn't snort when she laughs.  And she can wear a bikini without her stomach looking like a Shar-Pei puppy.  And her hair always smells like the ocean.  Holy shit, she IS the Molly Ringwald.

JESS: How do you know what her hair smells like?

ME:  Shut up.  So how about Alex?

JESS:  Seriously?  This is a man who TiVo's "Jeopardy" and celebrates Stephen Hawking's birthday.

ME:  Anthony Michael Hall. . .got it.  And Max?

JESS:  Easy.  He's the big goofy jock who tapes guys' butt cheeks together and parties with people named Stubby.  He's totally the Emilio Esteves.

ME: So, how about you?

JESS (snorting):  I'm Mr. Vernon.  I'm the one who keeps you assholes from getting arrested.

ME:  So, wait. . .if you're Vernon, Gina is Molly, Alex is Anthony Michael, and Max is Emilio, that means I'm either the criminal or the basket case!

JESS:  I didn't make the rules.  Hate the game, not the player.

ME:  Oh, I'm not disagreeing with either one; just contemplating if I'm more of an Ally or a Judd.

JESS:  Well, personally, I'd say you're less likely to spend the day sitting at your desk scraping dandruff on your paperwork and more apt to be running up and down the halls of your office screaming "I wanna be an Air Force Ranger!", so I'd go with Judd.

ME:  Eat my shorts.

JESS: What was that?

ME: I said: Eat.  My.  Shorts.

JESS:  You just bought yourself another Saturday.

ME:  Oh, I'm crushed.

JESS:  You just bought one more.

ME:  Well, I'm free the Saturday after that.  Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar.

JESS:  Good, because it's going to be filled.  Instead of prison, you'll come here.  I'm got you for the rest of your natural-born life.

ME:  So?

JESS: You just got yourself another one.

ME:  Do you really think I give a shit?

JESS:  That's another!  Are you through?

ME:  Not.  Even.  Close.  BUD!

JESS:  Oh my God, Jen, I love you so hard right now.

ME:  This is why we're friends. . .demented and sad. . .but friends.

JESS:  Shut up, Bitch, and go fix me a turkey pot pie!


Jillian said...

Please tell you you saw last night's HIMYM when they all dressed up like Judd?

Also, no one ever laughs when I tell the "I forgot my pencil" joke. I don't understand...

Ally Gregory-Moore said...

Favorite movie ever!! It is sad how I can quote the entire movie word for word but I can't remember where my keys are.

Killer Cupcake said...

How much does it suck that in high school, I was totally the Molly? Only instead of making out with The Criminal, I was all Revenge Of The Nerds and totally would have corrupted the Brain?

I suck. I can't even Breakfast Club right.

Jen said...

JILLIAN - Oh my crap, I'm totally looking that up on hulu right now!

ALLY - "Breakfast Club" and "Ferris Bueller" will be forever engrained on my brain.

Jen said...

DANI - I was the Molly too...then things went horribly awry.

Frankie said...

When Cameron was in Egypt land, Let my Cameron go!

Seriously I cried of the epicness of the conversation you had with Jess. Why doesn't this happen to me?!!!! WHY?!!!!!!

Jen said...

FRANKIE - "You aren't dying, you just can't think of anything GOOD to do." Best. Movie. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Goddamn that was funny. Please tell me that you actually sat there and reenacted that entire scene telephonically? Because I didn't think I could love you more.

My favorite is whipping out the Bender speach about Brian's homelife. Word. For. Word. For some reason, people think I'm weird when I do that.

And I regularly (daily?) say shit like "your mom and my mom ought to get together and go bowling" when I find someone who's mother is just as fucked as mine.

Now to the important part of that whole exchange (you thought you'd just blow right by that, huh?) WHAT GUY YOU WERE DATING??? Spill, bitch.

Jana said...

And yet again, proves the theory that all of our kids need to watch these movies instead of that teen nick bullshit. If I have to watch H20 one more time, I might have to go all Capt'n Ahab and get myself some mermaids.

Jen said...

MISTY - "Hey, Son. Hey, Dad! How'd you like to go fishing? Great, Dad!...aww, but I've got homework to do. That's OK, Son; you can do it on the boat!" Nothing weird about that, Girl!

As for the guy I was seeing it wasn't worth mentioning as it was abundantly clear it was going nowhere fast. Very, very fast.

JANA - I made my kids watch Ferris Bueller last week. M got bored but J loved...which makes sense as he IS Ferris Bueller.

Kelly said...

Seriously, Jen - running around the office with your stapler playing Hunger Games doesn't scream Judd? Come on, now...go tear up some denim, find a bandanna and steel toed boots, and go make out with a prep STAT! ;)

I think I may have to introduce V to the amazingness that is THE Ferris Bueller. As in when she gets home from school. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER AM I FOR NOT DOING THIS YET?

Phoenix Rising said...

Crap. Now I'm sitting here wondering where I fit in. I'm pretty sure I'm the basketcase. Only instead of sitting at my desk scratching my dry scalp I'm poking around pinterest all day. Perhaps I just need a better job. And when IS Stephen Hawkings birthday anyway?

Suniverse said...

Every Christmas the husband does the Bender Household Christmas speech.

I need to watch this again.

Andrea said...

Does Barry Manilow know that [Jess] raids his wardrobe?

Jen said...

KELLY - I'm playing air guitar in my cubicle, does that count?

PHOENIX - I'll ask Alex, he'd know. He'll proabably even make a cake. Nerd.

SUNI - "Eh! Smoke up, Johnny!"

Jen said...

ANDREA - "Watch it! You mess with the (Jess), you get the horns!"

sars said...

snort laughed water out my nose and made everyone look at me over their monitors... So. Fucking. Amazing.

I often wondered which one I was and think I was a crossbreed. I might have been the spawn of the after detention orgy. Whatev. Maybe we'll find you date down here that can balance out your bender-ness.

Jen said...

SARS - If you and Chris can find me a man I may never leave.

Front Desk Ninja said...

Best post ever.
I may have to watch the movie tonight at work, once my audit... no, fuck that. Before I do any work tonight, I will quote the entire movie.

Gia said...

Hahahah great conversation! But I'd give the nike guy a break. NOT irregardless guy, though.

Wily Guy said...

Please tell me Jess was making tht Texas longhorn symbol when she was telling you that you were hers for two months?

I grew up on all those movies. Ferris Buehler, Breakfast Club, Better Off Dead, Some Kind of Wonderful....

I can quote them almost as handily as Princess Bride.


Jen said...

NINJA - I recite that movie way too damned much. Well, that and Sixteen Candles...and Ferris...and Mean Girls...I have quality taste in cinema, yo.

GIA - Nike guy was kind of a tool, not gonna lie.

SCOTT - Oh God, "Better off Dead"! L-O-V-E that movie. "Do they have Christmas in France? Chriiiistmaaaaas...Chriiiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaaas!"

Anonymous said...

If Ally's character and Judd's character had a baby, it would look and act a lot like me. I never understood why they didn't end up together. It just made sense.

Anonymous said...

Fuck. I always wanted to be the Molly, but I'm pretty sure I'm the bastard lovechild of Ally and Judd.

Frankie said...

Okay it's official I'm buying the rest of the movies (I already have Ferris)and will start a freakin marathon of greatness. I'm also dying to watch Boyfriend School again and High Spirits. I miss you Guttenberg!

Jen said...

NELLIE & HOODY - I love that you are both the same hybrid offspring. Do I smell a spin-off?

FRANKIE - Was "Boyfriend School" the one with Jami Gertz when he pretended to be the Australian biker dude? So much love. Did you hear they're making another "3 Men & a Baby" movie -- it's going to be "3 Men & a Bride".

lazysubculturalgirl said...

I'm pretty sure I'm Anthony Michael Hall. I totally get the impulse to kill yourself over a bad school project. I AM SUCH A FAILURE, sob sob.

You know how much I love that you and Jess can keep that quotation ball rolling for 13 lines? SO MUCH.

Jen said...

ANDI - You should hear us do "Mean Girls". It is majestic.

mark said...

Those all seem like totally legitimate reasons for ditching those losers. Seriously, a Nickelback CD? Canadians don't even like Nickelback and we're ashamed to admit they come from here.

Jen said...

MARK - I still haven't forgiven you people for Justin Bieber and Celine Dion. . .bastards. . .

mark said...

Yes, those might land Canada in front of the Hague for crimes against humanity. Thankfully you have forgotten about Bryan Adams.

Jen said...

MARK - I figure we're even after unleashing the Jonas Brothers and Ke$ha on all of humanity. You're welcome.

Janene said...

Pfft. I figure you guys owe us for The Hanson brothers and their Mmmbop crap, as well as Rebecca Black and her "Friday" song. That was just beyond dumb.