Wednesday, May 30, 2012

How to Suck at Memorial Day



This Memorial Day the short people and I opted to just hang out because we were too cheap and lazy overwhelmed by familial love to venture far from home.  Unfortunately, the weather sucked donkey balls, but not to be deterred, I decided to do a traditional Memorial Day barbecue lunch for the boys and me.  Huge mistake.  First of all, I don't cook.  I can cook.  I'm actually quite a good cook, but I simply choose not to partake in any activity that could be construed as "work".  Secondly, the only American barbecue cookbook I had was one given to me by an individual who is obviously unaware of my seething hatred of all things Rachael Ray.*

*I'd like to cover her in EVOO and light her face on fire.


No problem!  I mean, we're talking about some burgers, some hot dogs, maybe a little potato salad. . .how hard can that be?  Yeah, you can probably guess where this is going.  So, without further ado, I present my list for how to celebrate Memorial Day:

1. Boil potatoes for salad.  Overboil, burn hand with steam, curse like a longshoreman with Tourette's, and drop potatoes on floor.  Recook potatoes, dice, mix with a shit ton of mayonnaise and herbs, and place in Tupperware container.  Forget Tupperware and allow it to stand at room temperature for hours until potato salad develops bacteria the size of raccoons.  Ponder the risk of an agonizingly painful bout of botulism before scraping potato salad into garbage disposal.*

*Bonus points if one of your short people is there to lecture you about wasting food.


2. Form hamburger patties. Promptly drop one on the floor. While picking up and returning to grill, notice your child watching you with quiet disapproval.  When you remind him that he once ate nachos off of the floor at 7-11 try not to be offended when he suggests that their floors are cleaner.  Consider mopping floor.  Spray Febreze on floor and skate around in your socks instead. Forget burgers until fire alarm begins wailing. Simultaneously calm hysterical child with autism while whacking at smoke alarm with Rachael Ray's book.*

*Huh. . .I guess it IS good for something.


Scrape black, industrial-grade carbon from burgers and place on buns. Cut burger in half to find them so undercooked that they leap from the plate and begin cavorting on the ground like otters.  Make emergency run to McDonald's.

3. Suggest "fun, old-timey" activity of making homemade ice cream.  Borrow hand-crank ice cream maker from friend. Spend three times what you would on a pint of Ben & Jerry's in ingredients and start cranking.  Continue to crank. Suggest short people help crank and then notice they got bored five minutes ago and are now engrossed in an episode of "Good Luck, Charlie".  Turn off TV.  Endure ten minutes of whining.  Return to ice cream.  Crank.  Crank again.  Continue cranking while "ice cream" remains as runny as the food on Strom Thurmon's lunch tray. Realize that perpetual motion does not in fact create frozen delicacies, freezers do.  Further realize that hand-crank ice cream makers are probably what caused the Great Depression.  Make emergency run to Baskin-Robbins.

4. Suggest alternative "fun, old-timey" activity like a sack race.  Realize the only bags you have are from H&M.  Watch children hobbling over grass with pink and silver garment bags bunched around their ankles.  Realize someone is probably watching as well and placing a call to Dick Cheney as said activity could probably replace waterboarding at Gitmo.  Scurry children back inside while watching over shoulder for approaching CPS agents.

5.  Locate roadside stand operated by man who has obviously spent more on tattoos than dental hygiene.  Buy fireworks. Fill children's heads with stories of noise and color that will rival a Zepplin laser-light show.  Place fireworks on ground.  Light fuse and scurry away to a safe distance.  Watch as fuse goes out.  Relight fuse and run away again.  Watch fuse go out again.  Continue to do wind sprints back and forth with Bic lighter like a deranged Olympic torch bearer until fuse finally stays lit.  Race to safe distance and cover ears dramatically.  Watch as fuse burns down, firework emits a pale cloud of smoke the size of a nectarine and emits a quiet "Pfffffft..." like a ferret passing gas.  Worry children will be disappointed.  Turn around to see children went back inside ten minutes ago and are now downloading pictures of iCarly from the internet.

6.  Walk back inside and apologize to children for shitty Memorial Day.  Listen as 9 year old says "I know what we should do to REALLY celebrate Memorial Day."  Spend remainder of day placing handmade red poppies on soldier's graves.  Hug your children.  Remember the sacrifices of the brave men and women who fight each day to keep us safe and free.  Count your blessings.  Count them again.  Never forget.






28 comments:

Brett Minor said...

In the future, maybe just ask them what they want to do. But always include the fireworks. Even at Christmas. Blowing stuff up is always cool.

Jen said...

BRETT - I am a firm believer in the wonder and glory that is backyard ballistics. :)

Mrs Social Assassin said...

I hate that woman too, saw her on the food channel once.....once was enough! My kids love 'Good Luck Charlie'! Short people to congratulate yourself on, and be really proud of - you did a great job, hugs to you all from this side of the pond xxx

Steph said...

Sucked donkey balls and like a Longshoreman with Tourette's?

Ladies and gentlemen... I've found my new blog crush!

Thank you Jen for making me almost spit my Diet Coke all over my screen. Apparently I have hours and hours of entertaining reading ahead of me because you? You have a new fan. ;0)

Jen said...

EM - I'm just glad they've graduated from that bitch Dora and her damned talking monkey. That girl makes me batshit crazy.

STEPH - I am laughing my ass off over your story about getting cussed out by the deaf translator. I love you so hard right now!

Jillian said...

Concerned over food safety, socially conscious about world hunger, internet savvy, flexibile with their expectations, and patriotic?! That's a lifetime's worth of mama-pride right there!

Jen said...

JILLIAN - My shorties are spectacular. I want to be like them when I grow up.

Gia said...

Hahahh what a disaster! Sounds like it ended on a good note, though...

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

That your child suggested 7-11's floors were cleaner than yours tells me that A. yes, that is your child and B. you're raising him right.

Jen said...

GIA - My short people are great at making roses out of compost. :)

CARRIE - True dat, Sistah. ((*fist bump*))

sars said...

mutha-fuckin-christ on a mutha-fuckin-cracker... I just silenced a bunch of geeks talking tech, by laughing so hard I started spit-coughing thus inducing hiccups. Can your shorties make a video to teach my sister how to be a parent? and can I hold the match when you light her on fire?? it will make my millenia.

Oh, FYI who needs cookbooks any more, your shorties know how to use the interwebs and you can make them find you recipies :D

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

You are seriously funny! "I want to pour EVOO on Rachel Ray and light her face on fire" snort! Thank you for that! And "as runny as the food on Strom Thurman's" lunch tray."
Stellar! Your shorties are amazing. I wish mine would put down the video game remote long enough to do things like that.

mistyslaws said...

Aww, you tried. The fact that you would actually pull out that devil woman's book for reference just shows how much you love those boys and wanted them to have a great Memorial Day. If I could ship you some burgers and pasta salad, I would.

Jen said...

SARS- Shit, I'm still hoping my shorties will teach ME to be a parent. By the way, how excited am I to see you in SIX WEEKS!?!? Pretty DAMNED excited! :)

MOD MOM- My short people are unbelievable. I have no idea how they turned out so well with me at the helm.

Jen said...

MISTY - I'd rather have you ship me some of that surf-n-turf from last weekend. Oh, and the hot photographer too. ;)

lazysubculturalgirl said...

You rock really hard at this Memorial Day shit. I opted to celebrate the OTHER Memorial Day and took my kids shopping, and out to lunch with friends. Since I have three boys, this made everybody equally unhappy for various reasons. SCORE! No wait, I'm not supposed to count that as a win. Dammit.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

Ha! And where IS our chef and the yacht?
But seriously, freedom is not free. We should all be aware of that. Hugs.

WeezaFish said...

You know what I loved most about this post? You just kept going! Awesome Mummying in my opinion, and yay to your shorties for remembering what to remember.

Jennifer Clark said...

Our Memorial Day wasn't all that fun, either. We did a "Holy shit! This house is thrashed!" clean up day. Much whining and a marked lack of cooperation. By evening, I had a ulcer flare-up of epic proportions which left me in a fetal curl around a heating pad sniveling and waiting for the Norco to kick in.

But you ending the day remembering the reason for the holiday. I ended the day in a narcotized sleep. You win!

Killer Cupcake said...

Thank you for raising your son to understand the true meaning of Memorial Day.

I spent the day being so incredibly thankful that my precious boys, my brave Marines, are alive and healthy and that I'm not one of the Mothers visiting the grave of her child.

Even though one of my boys is in Afghanistan, I never cease to be thankful that I've never had to open my door to face men in dress blues telling me that my son was killed in action.

Sorry... not meaning to bring down the world with my silly, sad mommy speech.

I love you real hard and the picture posted at the end made me cry.

The end.

Suniverse said...

Next year, come to our house. We had tenderloin. YUM.

Jen said...

ANDI - Disappointing everyone equally is absolutely a win, my dear! Huzzah! :)

JOHI - Right now I'd settle for someone to just bring me Taco Bell and clean the bathroom once in a while. I'm a woman of simple needs. . .yeah, right!

WEEZA - I have a "never say die" mentality when it comes to holidays. This is rarely a good thing.

JENN - I don't know; spending the day curled up under a blanket under the influence of some pharmaceutical grade narcotics sounds pretty amazing to me. ;)

DANI - I love you so hard. Please give your boys giant hugs and tell them thank you from my family. We are forever in their debt. xoxo

SUNI - Dude, you're killing me here. That. Sounds. AMAZING!!!

TheOtherLisa said...

Sounds like a perfect holiday celebration. And one hell of a great family!

Jen said...

LISA - Thanks, Lisa! Yeah, my short people are pretty rad, not gonna lie.

Tainted Fibers said...

Do you maybe have PollyAnna syndrome? Planning a fabulous family togetherness thing, Working your ass off to get it to come together just perfectly and then no one appreciates it or they complain about everything. I suffer from PollyAnna syndrome terribly. I once planned a week at the beach with my entire dysfunctional family only to have my Daddy walk around all week wearing a hat that said "I'd Rather Be In Townsend, Tennessee", listening to my brother and his new wife honeymoon, and my husband picking up beer bottles every morning because the kids left them out every night. I see family love and little hearts and flowers over everyone's head, like in a cartoon. Never works out that way.
I always tell a story. I need to quit that. But your short people? They are cool. And smart too. You are doing a fabulous job!

Jen said...

FIBERS - Oh yeah, TOTAL Pollyanna! You nailed it, as usual. :) And don't ever apologize for your stories, they crack me up!

Valerie said...

I did the same fucking thing... except instead of cooking I decided my bathroom was outdated. Then proceeded to buy all of Bed Bath & Beyond.

Then I attempted to put up a shelving unit...

The sort ends with me bashing it against the wall and then trying to return it.

Fuck. BBQs.

Hugs!

Valerie

NellieVaughn said...

What the hell is it with children and "Good Luck, Charlie" ? I will admit that I actually like iCarly. Amanda Cosgrove is too adorable to dislike.
Next time, here's what you do: piñata.

That's it. The children will forgive that there is no good, no ice cream, no fireworks. All they need is a piñata,