Sunday, June 17, 2012

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 15

ME:  They should combine all of the October through December holidays.  We could call it..."Hallowgivingistmas".  That way you could just get your family together once a year, in costume, while you binge on turkey and candy until Cousin Eddie passes out under the tree and your Nana gets drunk and calls you a whore.

ALEX (reading side of can):  It says here that "this spray kills 99% of fleas and ticks".
GINA:  What about the other 1%?
ALEX:  Maybe they let that one live so it can run back to the village and tell the rest of the fleas: "Dude, stay away from the house with the Labradoodle, it's like fucking Auschwitz over there!"

MAX:  Getting married is like buying a movie on DVD.  You might have really liked it when you bought it but when it's just sitting there in front of you every night you never want to put it in.

JESS: I'll bet Jehovah's Witnesses really like 'Knock, Knock' jokes.

MAX: What are you drinking?
MAX: What's in that?
GIRL:  Umm, rum, pineapple juice, lime juice, and grenadine.
MAX: Jesus, anything with that much fruity shit in it isn't a 'drink', it's just a way to mask the taste of the roofies.

ME:  If Cher really could 'Turn Back Time', do you think she would have warned Sonny about the ski trip?

GINA:  I'm only half Asian.  I don't own a camera but I can't drive for shit.

ALEX:  I keep getting all of these "How was your DVD? Did you get your DVD? How would you rate your DVD?" emails from NetFlix.  NetFlix is like a bad girlfriend: always asking stupid questions and takes two days to come.

KELLY:  If you mix Zoloft with Krazy Glue does it just become 'glue'?

KELLY:  If cosmetics companies are going to keep testing on animals they should at least admit it in their ads.  Like, "Loreal, strong enough to blind a spider monkey, gentle enough to use every day".
ME:  Or, "Cover Girl; because 15,000 hairless bunnies can't be wrong".

JESS: So, do you think the Transformers get life insurance or car insurance?

ALEX: Ever notice how everything we hated as kids we love now?
ME:  Totally!  Like taking naps!
ALEX:  And getting spanked!
ME:. . .
ALEX: Aaaaaaand, this just got awkward.

ME:  How did you respond to the reunion e-vite?
JESS:  I just checked "Maybe", because there wasn't a box labelled "There's a Reason I Haven't Spoken to You Since High School, so Please Fuck Off".

ME:  Google reminds me of my ex-husband.  I can't even finish a sentence before it starts giving me fucking suggestions.


Jillian said...

I'm hoping that my cousin's wedding this summer counts as all of the year's holidays combined. It's over Labor Day weekend, so we can salute the flag, get dressed in "costumes," my uncle can call me a slut, we'll eat a lot, there will be booze and cake, everyone will ask when I'm getting engaged to some guy whose identity even I don't know yet, we'll take bets on when the bride gets pregnant, someone will take the shotgun into the desert and bring back a coyote, there will be a little dancing, presents will be exchanged, the little kids will start stripping off their clothes because why not, and in the morning we'll all have raging headaches and never want to see each other again. Yearly family obligation checklist: Complete!

Anonymous said...

Love these. Again, my friends are just not that funny. And me? I am just bitter.

Jen said...

JILLIAN- Oh Jesus, that sounds magical.

NELLIE- People never believe this stuff is true. . .then they meet my friends, and they are in awe.

Maggi Shelbourn said...

*snort* Thank you. Best laugh I had today. By the way, one of your posts gave me courage so I went bathing suit shopping today. Found a great suit...actually smiled. You rock!

Jen said...

MAGGI- Yea! I'm so proud of you, Maggi! Maybe I'll run into you by the pool. :)

thoughtsappear said...

I'm never drinking a Mai Tai again.

I love that Netflix quote!

Jaclyn said...

Max has some sage wisdom on marriage. Aces to that.

Bloggertobenamedlater said...

I have to get new friends. Yours are way more entertaining. And I know you've warned me about Max, but someone that funny can't be all bad.

Von said...

Can I have some of what your friends are smoking so I can be hilarious too?

Jen said...

THOUGHTSY - Alex is the king of the random analogy. I bow down to his greatness.

JACLYN - Max must never get married. N-e-v-e-r.

VON - I shudder to think what my friends would be like under the influence of narcotics.

Anonymous said...

I always read these now with trepidation . . . wondering if any of my stupidity will be featured here.

I must meet this Alex. He's Jewish and I'm German. It will be like a crazy SS reunion party up in he-ah!! Whoop whoop! ;) Seriously, though, he's brilliant with the Halocaustisms. I love it!

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

Awesome and funny, as usual! I love the high school reunion one. That should be on Facebook instead of "Ignore".

Jen said...

MISTY - Oh, you would love Alex MAD hard, Girl! Even if he won't fix me up with his hot friends. Pfft! Whatev, Alex.

JOHI - Reunions are ridonkulous. If I haven't stalked you down on Facebook since high school, I'm not interested.

Brett Minor said...

These are some of my favorite posts. You have some funny friends.

mark said...

I would hope that Transformers just go for the Umbrella coverage. As always - these are great.

Killer Cupcake said...

Now I know why I never remember any evening that involves a mai tai.

I wonder if that's what Mary was drinking the night she conceived Jesus...

lazysubculturalgirl said...

I think I dated Max's twin in college. I find it difficult to read his comments without having a knee jerk "KILL IT WITH FIRE," reaction.

I don't want to combine all my holidays, though. I LIKE spreading out the sugar and fuckery over three months.

yougotsars said...

I actually do post that as a comment when invited to reunions or whatever from people in my childhood... with the exception of one.

I wonder if my man is geeky enough to make an app that can make that button happen?