Sunday, June 17, 2012
Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 15
ME: They should combine all of the October through December holidays. We could call it..."Hallowgivingistmas". That way you could just get your family together once a year, in costume, while you binge on turkey and candy until Cousin Eddie passes out under the tree and your Nana gets drunk and calls you a whore.
ALEX (reading side of can): It says here that "this spray kills 99% of fleas and ticks".
GINA: What about the other 1%?
ALEX: Maybe they let that one live so it can run back to the village and tell the rest of the fleas: "Dude, stay away from the house with the Labradoodle, it's like fucking Auschwitz over there!"
MAX: Getting married is like buying a movie on DVD. You might have really liked it when you bought it but when it's just sitting there in front of you every night you never want to put it in.
JESS: I'll bet Jehovah's Witnesses really like 'Knock, Knock' jokes.
MAX: What are you drinking?
GIRL AT RESTAURANT: A Mai Tai.
MAX: What's in that?
GIRL: Umm, rum, pineapple juice, lime juice, and grenadine.
MAX: Jesus, anything with that much fruity shit in it isn't a 'drink', it's just a way to mask the taste of the roofies.
ME: If Cher really could 'Turn Back Time', do you think she would have warned Sonny about the ski trip?
GINA: I'm only half Asian. I don't own a camera but I can't drive for shit.
ALEX: I keep getting all of these "How was your DVD? Did you get your DVD? How would you rate your DVD?" emails from NetFlix. NetFlix is like a bad girlfriend: always asking stupid questions and takes two days to come.
KELLY: If you mix Zoloft with Krazy Glue does it just become 'glue'?
KELLY: If cosmetics companies are going to keep testing on animals they should at least admit it in their ads. Like, "Loreal, strong enough to blind a spider monkey, gentle enough to use every day".
ME: Or, "Cover Girl; because 15,000 hairless bunnies can't be wrong".
JESS: So, do you think the Transformers get life insurance or car insurance?
ALEX: Ever notice how everything we hated as kids we love now?
ME: Totally! Like taking naps!
ALEX: And getting spanked!
ME:. . .
ALEX: Aaaaaaand, this just got awkward.
ME: How did you respond to the reunion e-vite?
JESS: I just checked "Maybe", because there wasn't a box labelled "There's a Reason I Haven't Spoken to You Since High School, so Please Fuck Off".
ME: Google reminds me of my ex-husband. I can't even finish a sentence before it starts giving me fucking suggestions.