Monday, July 30, 2012

Baby, You Light Up My World Like Nobody Else


 My friend Kelly and I hit it off the first time we met.  I mean, it was inevitable seeing as how we led such parallel lives.  We both grew up in Eugene, Oregon, we both graduated from Oregon State University ("Go, Beavs!"),  we both attended law school for a year before realizing what a horrible mistake that was, we both love eating Wheat Thins while watching colossally shitty reality TV, and we are both raging alcoholics ("Huzzah!").  The latter is how we met, actually.  After my A.A. sponsor Nancy passed away, Kelly was delusional brave enough to step up to take her place and the friendship Kelly have formed since then is the stuff of legends.  Suffice to say, if one of us were male we would be committing A.A.'s verboten "13 Step": falling in love with a fellow alkie; but, as we are both dyed-in-the-wool heterosexuals, we are content to be partners in crime.
          As Kelly is obviously so jealous of my glamorous single-mom existence, it was only a matter of time before she too got divorced and joined the loving sisterhood of child support and celibacy.*

*Of course, the fact that her husband was a lying, cheating douchecanoe certainly facilitated the decision as well.

          And because my coterie of homies is nothing if not supportive. . .*

*And because those asshats will look for any excuse to have a cocktail

We took Kelly out to celebrate mourn the end of her twelve year marriage.

         "I don't know",  Kelly said, shaking her head morosely.  "it just seems so weird. . .being single again.  Shit,  we've been together since college.  I just can't wrap my head around the whole 'DIVORCED' label."

        Gina snorted disdainfully.  "How about if you just focus on the whole 'adulterous twatwagon' label; that should soften the blow.  Seriously, Kell, you married beneath you."

        Alex nodded in agreement.  "That is so true.  I mean, remember when we were  playing Trivial Pursuit and he was all 'I've never seen the Godfather'.   Dude, what the fuck?  Who hasn't seen 'The Godfather'.

       "Umm,"  I raised my hand wanly "I've never seen it."

       "Well, yeah,"  Alex continued "but you're a chick.  If a guy says he hasn't seen 'The Godfather' he may as well put on a dress and start singing showtunes."  He raised his beer glass to Kelly in tribute.  "You had a real closet case on your hands there, my friend."

        "I know, right!"  I yelled, smacking Alex's arm in agreement and sending his pale ale flying.  "Shit, sorry, Alex.  But c'mon, Kelly, haven't I been telling you for a year now that your husband was just a little too in touch with his feminine side?  I mean, the guy TiVo-ed 'American Idol' for Chrissake.  If he were any further in the closet he'd be in Narnia."

       Kelly laughed halfheartedly.  "Yeah?  If he was such a Friend of Dorothy, then how do you explain the myriad of skanky ho's he's entertained over the years."

       I waved my hand dismissively.  "Classic overcompensation.  Believe me, I went through the same thing with Gil.  Let me guess, Tom always says he loves your hair short? Tells you you look SO much better without makeup?  Likes to do it from behind?"

       Kelly choked on her Diet Coke.  "Umm, at the risk of oversharing: yes, yes, and yes.  Holy shit!  Gil too?"

       I nodded and signaled the waiter for another iced tea.  "Yup.  Total flamer.  Hey!  Maybe we could fix Tom up with Gil!  They'd be pretty cute together.  Except, Tom's a lot smaller than Gil.  Do you think he'd be cool with being the Receiver?'

       Max stood up abruptly.  "Aaaaaaaaannd, this is the part of the conversation where I walk away awkwardly."  Gina grabbed his sleeve and pulled him back to the table as he grumbled softly.

       "Man up, Dances With Whores."  she said before turning to Kelly excitedly.  "So, enough about that asshat.  When are you going to start dating again?  I know some super-cute guys at work I can introduce you to!"

       I abruptly spit out an ice cube and sputtered, "Hey!  I've been asking you to set me up with a hot lawyer for months now!  Why don't you fix ME up with your coworkers?"

       Gina shrugged.  "Because I like my coworkers."

       "Whatever,"  I rolled my eyes.  "Anyway, don't you think Kelly should wait until the ink is dry on the divorce decree before she reenters the dating pool?  Or, you know, wait until she's actually LEGALLY divorced?"

       "I don't know"  Kelly said stoically, "I mean, I'm not getting any younger.  I don't want to be in my forties, coming home to an empty apartment every night and falling asleep on the couch eating Wheat Thins."

       I bolted up out of my chair.  "Aaaaaaaaaaannd, this is the part of the conversation where I walk away pathetically."

       Kelly yanked my arm, pulling me back to my chair with a satisfying thud.  "Jen!  I didn't mean YOU!  I mean, that's kind of you. . .but not in a BAD way!"*

*Oddly, this was less comforting than one might think.  

"Besides,"  she continued "it's kind of a moot point anyway because it's not like I'm going to  find another guy anyway."

      "Are you kidding!"  I yelled  "You are funny and smart and successful and you look like frickin' Courteney Cox!  Every guy in the Portland metro area is going to be all over you like a fat kid on cake."

      Kelly snorted bitterly.  "Yeah, right.  Scrawny, wrinkled, and flat-chested.  Think I can fit all of that in my eHarmony profile?"

      "Kell, you're totally hot."  Max offered, cramming a handful of nachos into his mouth.  "I'd do you."

      I barked out a laugh.  "A few more Jack and Coke's and you do him."  I said, pointing to Alex.

      Max shrugged.  "Well, he's not bad looking."  He turned to Alex.  "So, what are you doing later?"

      "Not you."  Alex replied before reaching for Kelly's hand.  "Seriously.  You really don't have any idea how gorgeous you are?"  Kelly laughed wryly.  "C'mon, Kell.  Don't you know you're beautiful?"

      "Yeah,"  Max chimed in.  "I mean, you light up my world like nobody else."

      Gina nodded enthusiastically.  "And the way you flip your hair?  It totally leaves me overwhelmed."

      Kelly burst out with her first real laughter of the evening, then whirled on me with a steak knife.  "I swear to God, if you start singing I will stab you in the face."

      Well, shit.

      Let the healing begin, my friends.



Andrea said...

No matter what, you seem to find yourself in excellent company!

Anonymous said...

Oh please. You don't fool me. Nice story, but despite the threats of death by dismembering, I know you. You stood up on your chair and started crooning that shit.

And then it came on the radio as you were driving home. ;)

Kelly Fox said...

Because of YouuuUuuuuu...(Like my song, you do right?) I now have two new words..Twatwagon, and douchecanoe..Fucking awesome!

Jen said...

ANDREA - My friends are wildly dysfunctional, but we're always there for one another.

MISTY - Singers gotta sing, yo. I'm only human. . .somewhat.

Jen said...

KELLY - "I never stray too far from the sidewalk..." Shit. Now that's stuck in my head. Twatwagon is all Gina but 'douchecanoe' was first coined by tyhe illustrious Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. Gotta give credit where credit is due. :)

L-Kat said...

:) I'm happy Kelly has friends like you. Tough times call for funny, supportive friends.

Jennifer Clark said...

Where were all you lovely ladies when my chicken shit fiancé dumped me for his high school girlfriend?!? All I got was a "Hallelujah!!!" from my mother....

Jen said...

L-KAT - She would do the same for any of us. Kelly is a rockstar!

JENN C - He dumped YOU!?!? He's obviously a fucking moron.

chemgirljaime said...

you guys sound like awesome chicks to be friends with .... (but then again, I already knew that)

Valerie said...

Man... I love that song. I may be flaming too though.

Hugs to Kelly! She's totally better off!


Jen said...

JAIME - My friends are my lifeline. I'd be lost without those crazy mofos.

VALERIE - Amen, my sistah! Tom is a dick.