Sunday, July 1, 2012

Instant Karma's Gonna Getcha







      "What the HELL?" Gina shrieked as I sat down across from her at Starbucks.  She sputtered on her tea and gestured dramatically at my leg.  "Oh my God, what did you do THIS time?"

Choosing to ignore Gina's judgy "this time" comment I glanced down at the rather impressive bruise on my left shin, now in the stages of turning a charming shade of ochre which (thank God) is in my color palette.  I shrugged dismissively.  "Nothing major.  Just trying to give an etiquette lesson to some hipsters."

Gina shook her head somberly.  "It figures.  Any story involving you and the words 'etiquette' and 'hipsters' can only end in bloodshed.. You're just lucky they didn't throw soy chai in your face and run you over with their Schwinn fixies.  So. . .let's hear it."

OK, so, let me start with some brief backstory.  For those of you not familiar with Portland, Oregon, we are a veritable hipster mecca.  To stand amidst our city limits and voice your displeasure of vegan cuisine, indy bands, and ironic 80's-themed T-shirts is tantamount to standing in the middle of a N.O.W. rally and screaming "Bitch, get me a beer!"  It won't end well.  So, a wise person would know that it is easier to put on slippers rather than carpet the world.  That is to say: if you're smart, you'll shut up and simply learn to adapt to your environment.  Apparently I'm not that smart.

So, the other day I ventured over to Whole Foods. . .

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!   Back.  The hell.  Up."  interjected Gina, raising a hand in protest.  "The day you decide to go all Arab Spring on the hipsters you do it in their Holy Land?  Why not just hand out 'Romney for President' bumper stickers at Urban Outfitters while you're at it?"

I levelled Gina with my iciest glare. "May I continue?"   She shrugged and pushed her half-eaten scone to me in apology (Ooh!  Chocolate chip!).   "So, as I was saying. . ."

. . .I ventured over to Whole Foods.  After making my way past a phalanx of twenty-somethings who had obviously decided that they could make a much better living selling woven bracelets in the parking lot than investing in a few semesters of community college I made my way inside.  I immediately knew I was out of my element when some asshat with muttonchops, a "Diff'rent Strokes" T-shirt, and a nametag that read 'Sage' came at me with one of those moppy-broomy things, jabbing at my ankles like Wayne Gretzke.  

"And he cracked you in the shin with the moppy-broomy thing because you called him, Willis, right?  Right?"  Gina squealed, bouncing in her seat.

"Excuse me"  I cried indignantly "I'm in the middle of a story here!  Can you keep the hasty intejerctions to a minimum.  God!  It's like having coffee with Hoda and Kathie Lee only less drunk and Botox-y."

Gina rolled her eyes and gestured for me to continue. . .with her middle finger.  OK.  So.  Getting my ankles jabbed by the hyper-caffeinated mop boy.  Annoying, yes, but being all benevolent and shit,  I can turn the other cheek.  However, turning that cheek just put me face-to-face with two dreadlocked girls debating the merits of a vegan versus a paleo diet.  Now, I don't really have a problem with vegans in theory. . .*

*Partly because I know I could beat their protein and calcium deprived bodies in a cage fight

. . .but when these chicks saw the ground beef in my cart and looked at me like I was Josef Mengele I kinda lost my shit.  If you choose not to eat meat, fine.  But riddle me this, Alicia Silverstone: if your lifestyle is so fabulous, why do most vegans look like anemic cancer patients?  So I stared them down making soft mooing noises as I made my way to the produce aisle.

"So, they kicked you in the shin?"  Gina asked incredulously.  "I wouldn't think their hemp sandals could do that much damage.  Nor would you think someone hopped up on edamame and tofu could pack such a wallop."

I shook my head, pausing to take a sip of my latte.*

*Nonfat, no-foam, three pumps of sugar-free vanilla.  Starbucks, you complete me.

"No"   I replied, "they were just the warm-up act.  The headliner was yet to take the stage."

Gina nodded sagely.  "All right, carry on, Girl on Fire."

So, I navigated past the rice milk and the gluten-free pastries to the produce section.  Now, while I am not an avid fan of Whole Foods by any stretch of the imagination, I do love their sample policy, which is, you can always try before you buy.  That day there was a table manned by a girl who looked like the love child of Paul Simon and Aimee Mann handing out slices of nectarine.  Now, this may seem like pretty basic sampling etiquette, but for those not in the know, one generally takes ONE sample and then steps aside to let others partake of the gratuitous bounty.  Apparently this nicety is not common knowledge, however, as evidenced by the skinny jeans-wearing, clove cigarette-scented twatbadger who parked himself in front of the samples and started cramming sample after sample into his cavernous maw like he was downing shots at T.G.I.Fridays.

I waited patiently at first as this dipshit sucked chunks of fruit off of six more toothpicks before I finally lost it.  As his bony, flaccid paw reached out for yet another nectarine kebab, I darted to his side and snatched it from his grasp.

"This is a sample, got it?"  I growled, brandishing the toothpick in his soul-patched face "A sample.  Do you know what 'sample' means?  It means you take one.  One!  To s-a-m-p-l-e.  You don't start hoovering up the whole fruit case like Kobiyashi!"   At this point his eyes began darting about frantically, looking for escape.  "I mean, I get it.  You have a sense of entitlement.  I'm sure you feel the world owes you a bountious harvest of fruit because you didn't get into that Womyn's Studies class or your parents wouldn't buy you those kickass tickets to the Phish concert, but I have news for you: the sun does not rise and set in your skinny ass.  So go buy your kombucha and your organic kale chips and get the HELL out of the way!"

Gina stared at me, astounded.  "Holy batshit, Jen.  No wonder he kicked you in the shins.  Forget your tinfoil helmet that day, Sweetie?"

I shot her a puzzled look.  "He didn't kick me in the shins.  He was too busy waving down the security guard."

Gina shook her head rapidly in confusion.  "Wait. . .I. . .I thought you said you got that bruise teaching a hipster about etiquette."

"I did."  I said with a nod.

"Ok,"  she sighed, throwing her hands up in exasperation, "as usual, I have no freaking clue where you're going with this."

"It's simple."  I replied, popping a final bite of scone in my mouth "after I scared the guy off I made a dramatic gesture of shoving the nectarine sample in my mouth.  I forgot about the toothpick though and I jabbed it down into my gum, which made me scream like Celine Dion passing a kidney stone, which startled the sample girl, which made her drop the tray of nectarines all over the floor.  I leaned over to help her clean up, slipped in the juice, landed on my ass, and the sample table fell on my shin."

Gina stared in astonishment before rising from her seat and delivering a s-l-o-w c-l-a-p.

"Why thank you, milady"  I acknowledged with a queenlike nod and hand flourish, "but that's not even the best part."

"Of course it isn't"   Gina sighed  "OK, don't leave me hangin'."

"The sample girl?  The one who dropped the tray that led to the Rube Goldberg-like circumstances surrounding my injury?"

Gina nodded cautiously.  "What about her?"

"As I was helping her wipe the nectarine spooge off of her poncho I saw her nametag."  I paused dramatically.  "Karma.  Her name was Karma".

Gina patted my hand comfortingly.  "Of course it was, Sweetie. . .of course it was."




Follow this post back to my homeboys at http://dudewrite.blogspot.com/.   Them guys be crazy, yo.

42 comments:

Kimberly said...

Best story EVER!

Kianwi said...

I can't imagine where the laws of Karma would be stronger, outside a Buddhist temple, than in a Whole Foods in Portland...you were just taking your life into your own hands.

Jen said...

KIMBERLY- Thank you! The most disturbing thing is how I faxed my friends are by my idiocy.

KIANWI- I never learn, Girl. Never.

Tricia said...

This is awesome. So I'm just gonna put this out there. I think I love you. And I shall have a burger in your honor tonight.

Gia said...

Hahah wow. And, you have to wonder what kind of situation her parents ended up in to name their daughter "Karma..."

Jen said...

TRICIA- Ooh! Have some fries in my honor too. :)

Jen said...

GIA- That's what I should have named my son, J. Or so my mother tells me...repeatedly.

mistyslaws said...

Only you. This shit would only happen to you at a Whole Foods because you decided to take on a hipster. Don't you know that's a zero sum game? Well, at least you got your sample, I guess. :p

Jen said...

MISTY- The bruise was worth every moment of the tirade. Every. Damned. Moment.

Valerie said...

In my mind you grabbed the ankle of the hipster and brought him down with you. Because, there is nothing better than seeing a hipster go down.

Nothing. Better.

Hugs!

Valerie

NellieVaughn said...

Oh Jen, Starbucks may complete you, but your stories complete me.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I can't decide which I like better, "skinny jeans-wearing, clove cigarette-scented twatbadger" or "some asshat with muttonchops, a "Diff'rent Strokes" T-shirt, and a nametag that read 'Sage'"

Epic post.

Jen said...

VALERIE- He was surprisingly wily for a dude who barely weighed a buck twenty.

NELLIE - xoxo :)

MONKEY - Thank you! These aren't even the weirdest hipsters I've encountered. We have one on campus that wears a tut and a wizard's hat, I shit you not.

Tainted Fibers said...

I love your stories. I must visit Portland sometime.

lazysubculturalgirl said...

Only to you do these things happen, Jen. Probably because nobody else would desecrate Whole Foods like you do.

Am I the sole person who likes hipsters? I mean, I genuinely like them. I think it's because they make me happy with my life choices and I always enjoy idealistic yet delusional people. I should probably move to Portland.

Leauxra said...

Can I hire you to tell off my boss and quit for me? I would really like to go with some wittiness, but I get so nervous I usually end up stuttering when I want to say something worthwhile...

Also... I've been to that Whole Foods. It's called "any of them", and I think can't open on unless they can immediately hire a Karma, Sage, or Moonbeam.

Jen said...

FIBERS - Visit anytime! I promise I won't take you to Whole Foods...I don't think I'm welcome there anyway.

ANDI - You...you LIKE hipsters? You're killin' me here.

sars! said...

I can't wait to take you shopping here in our version of hipster-ville. My boyfriend tells me what he shops for at each grocery store as such: whole foods type place "I go shopping for rich-divorcee-think-they-should-help-the-environment-by-hitting-on-smelly-douchebag-hipsters" there. The Co-Op: "I can't shop for girlfriends there - those hippy freaks don't shave and smell really bad". Trader Joes: "the best girlfriend shopping is at Trader Joes, you have college girls who are would be hippies but still bathe and put out to any one who buys them wine better than 2-buck chuck". Oh Karma...

Tazer WP said...

Oh sweet baby Jesus. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


PS: fuck hipsters.

Jen said...

SARS - If you take me to the Co-Op I will cut a bitch. I'm just sayin'. But we are TOTALLY going to the Taco Temple for lunch, Girl! :)

TAZER - Holy crap! How are you Taze? Long time, no chat, Chica!

thoughtsappear said...

That is the best story ever! Oh wait...someone already said that. BESTEST story ever!

I like Gina and her middle finger sign to continue and her slow clap. And her sharing of the chocolate chip scone.

Frankie said...

**wipes a tear** That right there is what magic is made of. Karma you twisted bitch! Why Jen?! Twatbadger had it comin.

Jen said...

THOUGHTSY - And Gina is considered the "lady" in our group. That obviously says a great deal about my cirle of friends.

FRANKIE - Twatbadger will get his just dessert, my friend. Mark. My. Words.

Wily Guy said...

I feel like I've got the best and prettiest dates at this here Dude Write thing! We knew Karma comes full circle.

So, Whole Foods...because Trader Joe's was a little weird for you? Lol.

WG

Elsie said...

So, this is what I have to look forward to when Whole Foods move to my neck of the woods in a few months? And I thought surfers were bad...hipsters sound horrible. Great story!

Jen said...

SCOTT - Is it better than prom? Telkl me it's better than prom! :)

ELSIE - You don't have hipster? Oh God, where do you live, Girl? I need to move there, STAT.

AccordingtoJewels said...

Death to hipsters...they are reason enough to stay the hell out of Portland. I'd lose my mind. This was hilarious though. Love everything about it! LOVE it!

CLR said...

I LOVE YOUR HUMOR!!! Oh my gosh. Very funny. You have my vote for funniest, fo sho.

Gah - you also have a new follower.....feel stalked much? Hee hee. Good luck in the Dudette thing. This should be interesting!

Carrie
www.hammockinthehoneysuckle.blogspot.com

Jen said...

JEWELS - P-town is not for the weak, y'all. You need either the patience of a frigging saint or a penchant for swift and blinding violence. Guess which one I have? :)

CLR - Thanks, Chicky! I love stalkers. Stalkers are hot.

Blondie McBaffled said...

The girls looking at my meet in distain would probably ended up wearing it!

Great story!

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

Fantastic! I completely love your "How Not To Be An Asshole In NYC" too!

Jen said...

BLONDIE- They're lucky I didn't bitch slap them with a rib eye.

MOD MOM- Thanks! Did you make it to BlogHer this year?

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

Well, at least Karma wasn't a bitch about the whole situation...

Jen said...

BRANDON - Oh, Honey. There's only one bitch in this scenario and it ain't Karma. ;)

bugerlugs63 said...

Hey, that's some writing.
Just clicked the link at Elsie's Blog, short of time so could only choose one to read . . . Brilliant x

Jen said...

BUGERLUC - Thanks, Girl! Hope you stick around and read some more. :)

Lady in Red said...

This was a great story! So engaging and so very perfect lol. Sorry about the bruise - but sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good ;-)

Jen said...

LADY - Sometimes you just have to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team, yo.

Red said...

Funny and well-written. It leaves me wondering how much was exaggeration, but don't tell me. I don't really want to know.

Youngman Brown said...

Well done, as always, Jen.

So glad to have you on DW this week!

Ken Degner said...

Hi Jen, so nice to have you at Dude Write.

I loved this post. So well written and funny.

I also believe you have brought the first ever slow-clap to the club house. Well done!

Still smiling at twatbadger! :)

Jen said...

RED - Don't ask, don't tell. Some things are better left mysterious. ;)

YOUNGMAN - Thank you, kind sir. It's fun to hang out in the Man Cave!

KEN - Great to be here with y'all. Scott (Wily Guy) is a prince for inviting me. A goddamned PRINCE, I tell you.