Monday, September 24, 2012

I Want to Kick Gotye in His Girly-Nads


"So, how are you doing?"  Kelly asked, popping a french fry in her mouth.

I shrugged, fiddling with my napkin.  "Better.  The first couple of days kind of sucked as evidenced by my little 'Girl, Interrupted' moment on your couch. . .and I had the requisite incoherent sobbing moment on the phone with Curtis.  I think I scared the shit out of him.  He said he's flying up to Portland."

Kelly chuckled.  "Should I call him and let him know you've crawled out of the Bell Jar?"

"Nah,"  I grinned, picking up my sandwich.  "Curtis likes to be the white knight.  Besides, I am DYING to see him and short of selling my eggs on craigslist there's no way I can afford a ticket to California any time soon."

Kelly raised an eyebrow cynically.  "Sweetie, not to be harsh but at your age those eggs would be giving off sulphur fumes.  They wouldn't get you a bus trip to Salem."  I flipped her off amiably and stirred my iced tea.  "So, what was the dealio with Dylan McRenner?  I never really got the whole spiel the other night."

"He and his ex wife want to try to give it one last try for their daughter.  They'd decided to get back together in October for Katie's birthday and give her the holidays as a family."  I smiled.  "She's going to be thrilled."

Kelly frowned and picked at her burger.  "Are you sure?  I mean, if they didn't get along before isn't it just better that they stay apart?"

"It wasn't that they fought all the time,"  I said.  "They got married because she got pregnant with Katie.  They love each other, but were never really IN love.  Then she cheated on him, he moved out, they got divorced. . .but they still get along and communicate really well.  They're friends."

"But is that enough?"  Kelly asked incredulously.  "I mean, wouldn't Katie rather have two parents that are madly in love with each other?"

I shook my head.  "Kell, kids don't care.  If you ask any kid if they'd rather have happy parents living apart or miserable parents under the same roof they'll pick miserable every time.  Kids don't care if you're romantically fulfilled, they just want you THERE."

"I guess."  she said, chewing pensively.  "But it sounds like his heart really isn't in it.  So, are they just going to disappoint Katie all over again, or will she be glad they at least made the effort?"

"I don't know."  I replied.  "They decided this whole arrangement about a year ago.  . ."



"We decided this whole arrangement a year ago."  Dylan muttered, staring at his hands.  "It just seemed like we owe it to Katie to give her a shot at a real family."

"You do,"  I agreed.  "you're doing the right thing."

He laughed bitterly.  "Yeah, it felt that way a year ago.  But things happen."  He looked up at my face.  "You happened."

I shook my head.  "This is your daughter, Dylan.  She is the one relationship you CAN'T screw up on.  You need to do what you think is best for Katie."

"But when do I get to do what's best for me?"  he cried.

"When she's eighteen?"  I squeezed his hand reassuringly.  "She comes first, D.  She has to always come first."

Dylan flashed his crooked smile.  "You know this would be a lot easier if you just yelled and called me an asshole."

"Oh, believe me, it would be a hell of a lot easier if you WERE an asshole."  I agreed.  "Then I could just talk trash with my friends, listen to shitty Kelly Clarkson songs, and lie on my couch watching Lifetime movies."

He peered at me critically.  "Wait, how is that different from what you do now?"

I leveled him with an icy glare.  "You are not allowed to be funny."  I said  "We're having a moment."

"Yeah."  he chuckled "I'm gonna miss that.  I just wish. . .I just wish I knew I could still see you.  Just. . .meet you for lunch or. . .something."

I let go of his hand slowly.  "But you can't.  You know you can't.  Not if you want to make an honest effort at this."

"I know,"  he sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair.  "Rachel and I agreed we would try this for a year.  I want so badly to ask you to wait for me. . ."

"But you can't."  I interrupted.  "You know that.  It's not fair to anyone involved to ask me to do that."   Dylan agreed and we sat in silence for a moment.  "Tell you what."  I laughed.  "Call me in a year and we'll see where we are."

Dylan shook his head sadly.  "You'll be gone;"  he muttered "someone else will come along and find you."

"I don't need to be found."  I replied "I found myself a long time ago."



"Did you really say that?"  Kelly gaped "Dude, that's some serious Dr. Phil shit right there, yo."

I snorted disdainfully.  "Pfft!  Dr. Phil?  Bitch, please.  I totally got that line from 'Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew'.  Anyhoo, the sentiment is the same.  It's nice to have someone to share your life, but I don't need someone to complete my life.  Sometimes we all need that reminder; especially when we're blinded by things like chiseled biceps and an ability to quote Judd Apatow movies."

"So, that's it then?"  Kelly asked taking a sip of her Diet Coke.

"I thought so," I said, spearing a cherry tomato on my plate.  "Then he called me last night in Vegas and said he told his ex he wasn't going through with it."

Kelly sputtered on her Diet Coke and did a classic spit-take over the remainder of my salad.*

*Dude, seriously?

Wha -- WHAT!?!?"  she shrieked.  "So, are you guys back together?  What the hell!?!?"

I pushed away my soda-bedaubed plate with disgust.  "I told him to take some time alone.  I think he needs it."  

Kelly gaped in shock.  "B-but, but he knows how to fix things. . .and. . .and kill flies. . .and he looks like Dylan McDermott and doesn't think your friends are mental. . ."*

*Yes, he does.

I stopped Kelly with a wave of my hand.  "All true, and all things that will still be there down the road.  But he hasn't really been out of a relationship for any extended period of time since his divorce.  That first year that I was on my own was tough and it was lonely as hell sometimes but I learned so much more about myself and what I was capable of.  It was an amazing experience and I think he needs that right now."

Kelly shook her head in awe.  "Look at you, being all grown-up and shit. So, will you still see him from time to time."

"Of course!"  I nodded.  "He's a great guy and I care about him. . .a lot.  He just needs this time to sort some stuff out in his family and his life."

Kelly pondered this quietly.  "So, can you still use him for sex?"

"Ummm. . .no."

"Can I?"

"Whore."  I said, flicking a crouton into Kelly's lap.

Kelly snagged the crouton and lobbed it back like Kirby Puckett shagging a line drive. "Frigid bitch."

"Hey!"  I cried  "I DO have a certain level of morality!"

Kelly snorted with derision.  "Yeah, you gotta get rid of that.  Morals are a real cock-block."

"I'll bear that in mind, Jenna Jameson."  I countered and we continued our meal in affable silence.



Do I know what's down the road for me?  For Dylan?  For. . .any of us?  Not really.  What I do know is that either way, we're all going to come out on top.  After an initial pity-party and the requisite "nobody-loves-me-I'm-going-to-go-eat-worms" debacle, I realized something very important.  If a man as bright and funny and kind as Dylan saw something in me, then someone else will too.  If Dylan and I ultimately wind up together, that could be great.  But even if we don't, he will always be my friend, and that's pretty damned great too.  And the most important thing I've learned over the past five years is that while it's nice to have someone to share life with, I no longer need someone to complete my life.  For the first time in a long time, I am no longer searching.  I am complete.



Leauxra said...

You are handling this with much more maturity that I would. That said, it will probably be better in the long run.

I, for one, would probably going to judo class or something so I could punch something for a while.

Maybe I still will.

Andrea said...

complete-ly amazing! xoxox

Tiffany said...

Damn, I was almost in tears, then excited, then all WTF? I'd love to have a man like that, but if you're sure that's what y'all need, the more power to you. (How many cliches can I fit into one comment?)

I'm proud of you for knowing you are complete. There's a scripture about that, so I pulled up biblegateway to find it, but the verse of the day on their homepage was even better: "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

That's a good one for the bathroom mirror.

TheChickIsRight said...

DAMN it, Jen! Now I'm all misty/ sniffly over my morning coffee!!! (Yes, it IS all about me, BTW). ;-)

Seriously, I am simultaneously happy and sad for you. You are one BAMF and totally have your shit together. You rock. You know it. And that's totally awesome.

Dylan sounds like a pretty spectacular guy and even if it doesn't work out between the two of you, it sounds like you had fun and made a friend, regardless of how it turns out. Not too shabby.

I am rambling - haven't finished my first cup of coffee and I don't qualify as human until at least halfway through cup two.

Even though I am a perfect stranger to you, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you. :-)

Fyre said...

Ho-ly sh-it, Jen! (**gives standing ovation**) Can I be you when I grow up? Crap, I'm older than you, so I guess I'm screwed...

Seriously, though, I am hella impressed. Totally classy, balanced, sane way to handle it. Way to go, sista, way to go...

Anonymous said...

Damn, girl. You keep it up with this mature self-respecting introspection shit, and you are gonna put that pasty faced bald poseur out of a job! I get to be your Gail if that happens. Dibs.

Jen said...

LEAUXRA - I won't say I didn't take out some aggression on the archery range. I am only human, after all.

ANDREA - I miss him like crazy, not gonna lie. But for now, this is better.

TIFFANY - That line of scripture just went on the white board in my office. Thank you for that. :)

CHICK - It means a lot, thank you. Now go to Starbucks!

FYRE - Oh shit...aim higher; I'm a sad excuse for a role model. :)

Jen said...

MISTY - You will always be the Gail to my Oprah, the Robin to my Dr. Phil, the Hall to my Oates. . .wait, that last one didn't really make sense. . .

Audra said...

Um, ew? He already made this arrangement with his ex and decided to bed you anyway? Yah, man. Maybe I'm missing something, but hell fucking no.

Not that I'm missing the point or anything, you strong woman, you!

Jen said...

AUDRA - Yeah, that little nugget of information wasn't lost on me either. Hence my hesitation to hop back to Square One.

Wily Guy said...

Holy all that is Holy! Jen, you are so flippin' wise.

I wish some other people that I may know would read One Week Ago.

I totally learned from Yesterday.

I'm seeking my Today.

Sure this shouldn't be Zen e Sais Quoi? It is today. Which is to say Yesterday and One Week Ago.


Maggi Shelbourn said...

As I was reading this, several things went through my head from "holy crap on a cracker" (too much Big Bang Theory) to "Knock Knock Motherfucker" (never enough of The Bloggess) but I finally settled on "Well Done Jen...Well Done". *Fist Bump

Jen said...

SCOTT - Oh, Brother, I don't know how wise I am, but this ain't my first rodeo. :) I'm just learning as I go along...

MAGGI - Never too much "Big Bang Theory" or Bloggess. Never.

Jennifer Clark said...

I salute your maturity, Jen!

("Sal-lute!!!" a la HeeHaw)

That said, I, too, wonder about the whole "we made a deal last year" thing. But I also understand lonesome combined with chemistry can complicated decisions make. Oh, do I understand! Hang tough, both both your sakes.

I sorry you won't be seeing the yummy, funny, handy man. That's gotta suck.

Respect, sister.

PS: as child of split-up parents, I MUCH preferred separated and not miserable/screaming at each other parents. But perhaps I'm the exception...?

Curtis said...

Honey, so glad to hear that you are feeling better!
"White Knight" my ass. I was thinking of a marathon watching of The Avengers with Ben and Jerry's, followed by some Salt and Straw and topped with a little Voodoo. Just to make sure that we get all the major food groups.

Jen said...

JENNIFER - The whole situation made me pause. I don't know. . .time will tell.

CURTIS - I'm going to make you watch Avengers until you want to beat me with a stick. Oh, and did I tell you salt & Straw now has a cart at the Saturday Market 5 miles from my crib? SQUEEEE!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Hall and Oates makes perfect sense to me . . . except I hear they hate each other, so maybe not. How about the Ren to your Stimpy?

And now I need some Salt and Straw, and I've never even tried it. Damn you Portland and your delicious treats so far from the East Coast!! Damn you to hell!!!

Nat said...

Wauw, that was like a tiny little compact romantic novel. I'm rooting for you. And chiseled biceps. But mostly for you.


Elsie said...

This was powerful, Jen. My heart goes out to you.

Bexstar said...

Oh I hated him, then I loved him for phoning you in Vegas & realising you are so freakin obviously better than the ex-wife, & then I was like Oh Jen has her big girl pants on & made a sensible grown up decision. Go you!!!
You should know that I'm an emotional wreck right now because of this post. And I also think that the man you are meant to spend the rest of your days with lives in New Zealand. You should totally come here & start throwing you hot sexy shit out there so he can find you. Just sayin. Bx

Bexstar said...

P.S I with Andrea ^....You are amazing xox

chemgirljaime S said...

wow... you are seriously my role model. You are smart, funny, and just amazing.

Jen said...

NAT - How about me WITH chiseled biceps? Except, I think that necessitates actually going to the gym, so. . .no.

ELSIE - Thanks, Girl. xoxo

BEX - It's so hard not to call him every 30 seconds, not gonna lie. Start scouting out a hot kiwi for me chica, but he's gotta be willing to relocate for love because I am a P-Town girl til I die, yo.
PS: I 'heart' you so damned hard!!! :)

JAIME - You are amazing, my little sister. I wish I'd had it together like you do at your age. ((fist bump))

Valerie said...

I am so proud of you! You made an adult decision that you could really be proud of. And later down the road when all this shit works out for the best, you won't have a doubt in your mind of anything. You just gave your future self piece of mind.

If I were Doc Brown, I'd give you a time travel machine made out of a delorean. Because you could fucking handle it.

Double Hugs!


"Dylan" said...

Just to set the record straight on two things:

1. Jen makes me sound much better than I really am (but I can quote Judd Apatow movies).

2. Jen's blog is no indication at all of how amazing and beautiful she is in person.

Rachael said...

Way to go Chica. That was very strong and classy of you. I'd have yelled at him, then I'd have taken him back. I gotta a long way to go yet.

Von said...

Well. That was short and sweet. What a disappointment...and I will stop that sentence right there.

I'm sorry Jen.

QOE said...

Say it ain't so Joe! I've been vicariously re-living the dating life through you and Dylan. Hubs says since we've been married 7 years and have 2 kids then I should stop trying to give my number out to cute waiters. I say that attitude makes him a terrible wingman.
On a more serious note, kudos to you for making the best (if very painful) decision for both of you.

TheOtherLisa said...

Well shit. But you are right about one thing...of course he saw something in you, because there's a lot of good stuff there to look at with you.

I think you rock.

Jen said...

VALERIE - I need a DeLorean that transports me around the world to meet all of my blogging sistahs like you and Bex and Misty. xoxo

DYLAN - You are not making this easy, my friend. :)

RACHAEL - Baby steps... Single life gets easier; hang in there, Girl.

VON - Thanks, Buddy. No regrets. :)

QOE - Your hubs sounds rad. Don't worry; Dylan and I are still friends so I'm sure there will be many more shenanigans ahead for your pleasure.

LISA - Thank you, Lisa. Don't know how hard I rock; just trying to keep things stable and relatively drama-free for the short people and myself.

Jen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Janene said...

Jen - took me a while, too, to "get" the whole "I don't need a man to complete me". I like to think of it as "the man complements me and brings out the best (and worst) in me, but never completes me". Because I'm pretty fabulous all on my own.

Sorry to hear that Dylan and you are taking a break. But you know, if it is meant to be, it will (despite how cliched that sounds).


Stumbling Towards Perfect said...

Wow. I didn't see that coming. At all. Now I kind of feel ... lost. But then again, I know how awesomely amazing you are and I have no doubt that you're doing the right thing for YOU.

Brett Minor said...

You are being so cool about this. It has to be killing him and I know it's hard for you too, but this sounds like the right thing for him at the moment. He needs to discover who he is apart from someone else.

Tainted Fibers said...

Dammit that just sucks. I wanted you to get the guy and I wanted you to be all Debra Winger and get carried off into the sunset by Richard Gere.(older generation, but still one of the BEST scenes EVAR). Crap crap.
On a more positive note, you are the most together hoar I know. Unless you, like me, talk a better game that you actually do. But if you can talk it, you can do it. You are awesome.

When my kids with their now spouses went to the ex-hubs for Christmas a million years ago for the first time, Kelly said her hubs and my DIL both looked at K and K and said, "Are you SURE they were married?? I would have never put those two together".. K and K both said they had thought the same thing. My kids were 1 and 3 when the Big D happened. They don't even remember us being married. And for the record, they no longer communicate with their sperm donor.

You know I had to tell a story. But you are seriously awesome. Awesome does have it's limits though. Take care of yourself. You are ENOUGH.

-Vince said...

Wow, Jen. That is some deep shit. I'm really glad you have good support. Good friends, good writing (honest), and archery (SWEET!).

All I can offer are few thoughts on gotye:
1. I first thought The Police had a new single.
2. Then, I thought it said "goatse" (I will spare the link... there is a line even I won't cross. Shocking, I know).
3. How the fuck is that pronounced?!?

Stay awesome. :-)

AC said...

Awww, Jen, I am so sorry.

Totally agree with the OtherLisa... you do rock.

And note to Vince, I read your comments and just about choked on my coffee b/c I have had those exact same thoughts. But more importantly, WHY the hell have I had goatse on my mind lately??? UGH. That is just wrong.

Mandy said...

I am so proud to call you my twin. You're awesome and I love you (in a totally non-creeper way)

You're the inspiraaaation (Peter Cetera and Chicago FTW)


Jen said...

JANENE - I miss him, but at least it won't be weird when we bump into each other at the food trucks. DID YOU HEAR THAT DYLAN!?!? YOU CAN STILL BUY ME LUNCH! :)

PERFECT - I did see it coming and still feel a little lost. But I know I made the right choice.

BRETT - I'm actually surprised by how OK I am with it. Damn...guess I really AM a grown up! Yeah right, just kidding!

FIBERS - Officer & a Gentleman. . .best. Final. Scene. Ever. ((sigh!))

VINCE - Totally just snorted latte out my nose. Now I have milk nose...and I'm thinking about goatse...not a good combo. Oh, and the singer's name is pronounced "go-tee-AY". Douchetastic, but true.


MANDY - I love you too; even if you did just get that craptacular song stuck in my head. ;)

Kelly said...

The number of reasons I have to admire you continues to grow. <3

Leslie said...

I only just found your blog, so I feel like I came in at the end of the movie and don't know whether to be happy that the girl is strong enough to walk away with her head held high, or sad that they didn't end up back together and we have to wait to see if there is a sequel. But even though I don't know you, I applaud you and support just because I relate to the common struggles that come with matters of the heart!

-Vince said...


Laughter is the best medicine, and I'm slingin' that shit with reckless abandon.

...just stay off my corners.

Laura said...

took him what... a week to see the error of his ways. Lovely. I predict squishy love stuff in the future. LOL