Monday, October 1, 2012
Conversations With Jess: 6 Degrees ((and 28 Weeks)) Later
JESS: So, how was Vegas?
ME: Ah-may-zing. Although after 72 hours of neon and music I felt like an autistic kid in a pinwheel factory and had to keep finding excuses to go to the bathroom so I could lock myself in the stall and decompress. I'm sure my friends all thought I had diarrhea.
JESS: Nah, don't worry about it. They probably just thought you were doing coke.
ME: Oh. . .well. . .that's comforting.
JESS: So, I got your text about seeing Taylor Swift in the lobby. Any other celebrity sightings?
ME: We saw Flava Flav in the bar at the MGM Grand. Ooh! And we saw Enrique Iglesias coming out of a Taco Bell on the Strip.
JESS: Glad to hear he's actively embracing his Latino roots.
ME: Yeah, the irony was not lost on me either.
JESS: It never is, Sweetie. Did you get to meet Mr. Worldwide?
ME: Sadly, no. Kristin swears she stood behind Nicki Minaj at the Bellagio, but pretty much every woman in Vegas looks like Nicki Minaj, soooooo. . .
JESS: Didn't you text me something about Gwen Stefani?
ME: Pfft! Sara texted me that Gwen Stefani was on the red carpet outside of the Rihanna show and we raced over there and it was just Miley Cyrus with her new blonde 'do.
JESS: But, Miley Cyrus! That's pretty cool!
ME: Bitch, please. Little Miss "Party-in-The-USA" is just one DUI away from going the full Lohan. Liam needs to run while he still can, yo.
JESS: True 'dat. Man, it sounds rad; I am so damned jealous. Not only because you got to see P!nk and Usher in concert, but because I would have paid good money to watch you share a hotel room with five other women without losing your shit.
ME: I had my moments. Luckily I had my fail-safe "6 Degrees" calming ritual.
JESS: I thought we'd already established your disturbing knowledge of Nathan Fillion's resume.
ME: Oh, Honey; that's so five minutes ago. Jeremy Renner is far more of a challenge.
JESS: Wait. . .what? Does Nathan know that you're cheating on him, you whore?
ME: Nathan and I are taking a little break right now. I wasn't thrilled with his behavior regarding the Bloggess' twine request, and lately in interviews he's been. . .well. . .a little more douchetastic than I care for. He just needs a little time out to check himself.
JESS: Wow. . .I. . .there are no words.
ME: Nathan will always be my first love, my dear, but the times they are a-changin' and if Jeremy Renner is good enough for Joss Whedon then damn it, he's good enough for me. Fortunately, my friend Jenna shares my obsession for all things J-Ren so whenever I had a panic attack in Vegas I just sent her a frantic "NAME A CELEBRITY!!!" text and let the games begin.
JESS: I don't know whether to be jealous of this "Jenna" or in awe of her ability to challenge your acumen for stalking.
ME: This sounds like a challenge.
JESS: Ha! OK. . .Aileen Quinn.
ME: Who the hell is Aileen Quinn?
JESS: She's the girl who played Annie in the craptastic 1982 adaptation of the musical. Good luck with that one, Bitch.
ME: Oh yeah! I remember that movie! Aileen Quinn was in "Annie" with Albert Finney who was in "Big Fish" with Helena Bonham Carter who was in "Fight Club" with Edward Norton who was in "Bourne Legacy" with Jeremy Renner.
JESS: Huh. . .well. . .umm. . .Melissa McCarthy!
ME: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was supposed to be challenging. Melissa McCarthy was in "Bridesmaids" with Rose Byrne who was in "28 Weeks Later" with Jeremy Renner.
JESS: YES!!! SCORE!!! The movie was "24 DAYS Later" and according to Google, it was filmed in England and Jeremy wasn't in it!
ME: Oh Sweetpea, question not my stalking skills. "28 WEEKS Later" was the Americanized and exponentially shittier sequel to "28 Days Later" which ran an almost unprecedented two weeks in theaters before careening directly to DVD obscurity.
JESS: How do you KNOW this?
ME: Four letters: I - M - D - B.
JESS: You frighten me.
ME: As well I should.
JESS: OK, well, what about our future Lohan, Miley Cyrus?
ME: She too was in "Big Fish" under her given name, Destiny Hope Cyrus. Connect the dots from there.
JESS: I hate you. . .Ooh! The creepy dead girl from "Poltergeist"!
ME: You mean, Heather O'Rourke? She was in "Poltergeist" with Craig T. "you-moved-the-headstones-but-you-left-the-bodies!" Nelson who is on "Parenthood" with Lauren Graham who was on "Gilmore Girls" with Alexis Bledel who was in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" with both Blake Lively who was in "The Town" with Jeremy Renner and Amber Tamblyn who was on "The Unusuals" with Jeremy Renner. Or, I suppose you could also link through Bonnie Bedelia who is also on "Parenthood".
JESS: I'm going to regret this, but how?
ME: Seriously? Well, obviously she was in "Die Hard" with Bruce Willis who was in "The Expendables" with Mickey Rourke who was in "Iron Man 2" with Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johannsen, Gwyneth Paltrow, Samuel L. Jackson, and Clark Gregg who were all in "The Avengers" with Jeremy Renner.
JESS: Who is Clark Gregg?
ME: In the interest of protecting our friendship I'm just going to pretend that you didn't just ask me who Agent Coulson is.
JESS: That's terribly gracious of you, Jen. You DO realize that this conversation is disturbing to anyone with a normally functioning cerebral cortex?
ME: Meh. . .whatevs.
JESS: OK, I'm not going to continue to exacerbate your already blinding case of sociopathic dissonance, but simply close with Aishwarya Rai!
ME: Aish. . .what?
JESS: Bollywood, bee-yotch!
ME: OK, Bollywood buys me a google. . .hang on. . .Hah!
JESS: Shit, what?
ME: It looks as though in addition to her illustrious Bollywood career, Miss Rai also appeared in "Pink Panther 2" with Steve Martin.
ME: And, Alfred Molina was also in "Pink Panther 2" as well as "Spider Man 2" with Kirsten Dunst who was in "Interview With a Vampire" with Tom Cruise who was in "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol" with Jeremy Renner!
JESS: I hate your face. Hang on. . .((yelling to son)) Trent! Turn down the TV! Fucking "Suite Life With Zack and Cody". I'd like to. . .Ooh! Yes! The twins on "Suite Life"! Let's see you link Jeremy to the freaking Disney Channel!
ME: Much to my dismay, Jeremy molested our innocent twins in "The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things". Well, one of them anyway. Not sure which kid drew the short straw on that day of filming.
JESS: Euw. . .that's just. . .euw. . .
VOICE FROM MY KITCHEN: How about linking him to Nathan Fillion, Hot Shot.
JESS: Ha! Yes! Good luck with that one!
ME: Mr. Fillion will be appearing on "Castle" tonight, right?
JESS: Yeah, right.
ME: While watching, take note of his co-star, the charming and dapper Kevin Ryan, played by Seamus Dever who in 2002 was competing with Jeremy Renner for the affections of Amy Stewart in the independent film "Monkey Love".
JESS: I don't know whether to slow clap or hang up. Do you think restraining orders are transferable? It would save Jeremy a lot of time and effort if Nathan could just sign his over.
ME: I'll look into that.
JESS: Please do. And tell Max 'hi'. That was him in the background, right?
ME: Max is already in Chicago. He started classes last week.
JESS: Are Alex and Gina there?
ME: Ummm. . .nooooooo. . .
JESS: So who was. . .wait. Back. The fuck. Up. Is Hot Firefighter there!?!?
ME: I thought we had agreed that he has a name.
JESS: I don't give a shit about his name, is he in your KITCHEN!?!?
ME: No! . . .he's in my living room.
JESS: So, are you guys?. . .is he? . . .what the hell is going on!?!?
ME: We're back together, but taking things reeeeeeeaaaaaally slow.
JESS: And by slow you mean you aren't sleeping together?
ME: Sweetie, you've seen the picture of him shirtless, what do you think?
JESS: Valid point. Well, I'm happy for you, Chica. Tell him to treat you well.
ME: Tell him yourself. ((handing the phone to Dylan))
DYLAN: Hi. . .Jess?
JESS: Hi, Dylan, it's nice to meet you. You've got a hell of a woman there.
DYLAN: I know.
JESS: Good. Because if you fuck this up and hurt her in any way I will personally drive up there and cut off your balls with a jackknife.
DYLAN: Ooooooookay. . .good to know. Nice meeting you. ((handing phone back to me))
ME: Why does Dylan look like he's about to throw up?
JESS: I just had to set up some ground rules.
ME: I love you, Lorena Bobbitt.
JESS: I love you more, Stalker Sally.
*Think you can stump me? The gaunlet has been thrown -- name a celebrity and I will prove that all roads lead to Jeremy Renner.