Monday, October 1, 2012

Conversations With Jess: 6 Degrees ((and 28 Weeks)) Later

JESS:  So, how was Vegas?

ME:  Ah-may-zing.  Although after 72 hours of neon and music I felt like an autistic kid in a pinwheel factory and had to keep finding excuses to go to the bathroom so I could lock myself in the stall and decompress.  I'm sure my friends all thought I had diarrhea.

JESS:  Nah, don't worry about it.  They probably just thought you were doing coke.

ME:  Oh. . .well. . .that's comforting.

JESS:  So, I got your text about seeing Taylor Swift in the lobby.  Any other celebrity sightings?

ME:  We saw Flava Flav in the bar at the MGM Grand.   Ooh!  And we saw Enrique Iglesias coming out of a Taco Bell on the Strip.

JESS:  Glad to hear he's actively embracing his Latino roots.

ME:  Yeah, the irony was not lost on me either.

JESS:  It never is, Sweetie.  Did you get to meet Mr. Worldwide?

ME:  Sadly, no.  Kristin swears she stood behind Nicki Minaj at the Bellagio, but pretty much every woman in Vegas looks like Nicki Minaj, soooooo. . .

JESS:  Didn't you text me something about Gwen Stefani?

ME:  Pfft! Sara texted me that Gwen Stefani was on the red carpet outside of the Rihanna show and we raced over there and it was just Miley Cyrus with her new blonde 'do.

JESS:  But, Miley Cyrus!  That's pretty cool!

ME:  Bitch, please.  Little Miss "Party-in-The-USA" is just one DUI away from going the full Lohan.  Liam needs to run while he still can, yo.

JESS:  True 'dat.  Man, it sounds rad; I am so damned jealous.  Not only because you got to see P!nk and Usher in concert, but because I would have paid good money to watch you share a hotel room with five other women without losing your shit.

ME:  I had my moments.  Luckily I had my fail-safe "6 Degrees" calming ritual.

JESS:  I thought we'd already established your disturbing knowledge of Nathan Fillion's resume.

ME:  Oh, Honey; that's so five minutes ago.  Jeremy Renner is far more of a challenge.

JESS:  Wait. . .what?  Does Nathan know that you're cheating on him, you whore?

ME:  Nathan and I are taking a little break right now.  I wasn't thrilled with his behavior regarding the Bloggess' twine request, and lately in interviews he's been. . .well. . .a little more douchetastic than I care for.  He just needs a little time out to check himself.

JESS:  Wow. . .I. . .there are no words.

ME:  Nathan will always be my first love, my dear, but the times they are a-changin' and if Jeremy Renner is good enough for Joss Whedon then damn it, he's good enough for me.  Fortunately, my friend Jenna shares my obsession for all things J-Ren so whenever I had a panic attack in Vegas I just sent her a frantic "NAME A CELEBRITY!!!" text and let the games begin.

JESS:  I don't know whether to be jealous of this "Jenna" or in awe of her ability to challenge your acumen for stalking.

ME:  This sounds like a challenge.

JESS:  Ha!  OK. . .Aileen Quinn.

ME:  Who the hell is Aileen Quinn?

JESS:  She's the girl who played Annie in the craptastic 1982 adaptation of the musical.  Good luck with that one, Bitch.

ME:  Oh yeah!  I remember that movie!  Aileen Quinn was in "Annie" with Albert Finney who was in "Big Fish" with Helena Bonham Carter who was in "Fight Club" with Edward Norton who was in "Bourne Legacy" with Jeremy Renner.

JESS:  Huh. . .well. . .umm. . .Melissa McCarthy!

ME:  What?  Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was supposed to be challenging.  Melissa McCarthy was in "Bridesmaids" with Rose Byrne who was in "28 Weeks Later" with Jeremy Renner.

JESS:  YES!!!  SCORE!!!  The movie was "24 DAYS Later" and according to Google, it was filmed in England and Jeremy wasn't in it!

ME:  Oh Sweetpea, question not my stalking skills.  "28 WEEKS Later" was the Americanized and exponentially shittier sequel to "28 Days Later" which ran an almost unprecedented two weeks in theaters before careening directly to DVD obscurity.

JESS:  How do you KNOW this?

ME:  Four letters:  I - M - D - B.

JESS:  You frighten me.

ME:  As well I should.

JESS:  OK, well, what about our future Lohan, Miley Cyrus?

ME:  She too was in "Big Fish" under her given name, Destiny Hope Cyrus.  Connect the dots from there.

JESS:  I hate you. . .Ooh!  The creepy dead girl from "Poltergeist"!

ME:  You mean, Heather O'Rourke?  She was in "Poltergeist" with Craig T. "you-moved-the-headstones-but-you-left-the-bodies!" Nelson who is on "Parenthood" with Lauren Graham who was on "Gilmore Girls" with Alexis Bledel who was in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" with both Blake Lively who was in "The Town" with Jeremy Renner and Amber Tamblyn who was on "The Unusuals" with Jeremy Renner.  Or, I suppose you could also link through Bonnie Bedelia who is also on "Parenthood".

JESS:  I'm going to regret this, but how?

ME:  Seriously?  Well, obviously she was in "Die Hard" with Bruce Willis who was in "The Expendables" with Mickey Rourke who was in "Iron Man 2" with Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johannsen, Gwyneth Paltrow, Samuel L. Jackson, and Clark Gregg who were all in "The Avengers" with Jeremy Renner.

JESS:  Who is Clark Gregg?

ME:  In the interest of protecting our friendship I'm just going to pretend that you didn't just ask me who Agent Coulson is.

JESS:  That's terribly gracious of you, Jen.  You DO realize that this conversation is disturbing to anyone with a normally functioning cerebral cortex?

ME:  Meh. . .whatevs.

JESS:  OK, I'm not going to continue to exacerbate your already blinding case of sociopathic dissonance, but simply close with Aishwarya Rai!

ME:  Aish. . .what?

JESS:  Bollywood, bee-yotch!

ME:  OK, Bollywood buys me a google. . .hang on. . .Hah!

JESS:  Shit, what?

ME:  It looks as though in addition to her illustrious Bollywood career, Miss Rai also appeared in "Pink Panther 2" with Steve Martin.

JESS:  And?

ME:  And, Alfred Molina was also in "Pink Panther 2" as well as "Spider Man 2" with Kirsten Dunst who was in "Interview With a Vampire" with Tom Cruise who was in "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol" with Jeremy Renner!

JESS:  I hate your face.  Hang on. . .((yelling to son)) Trent!  Turn down the TV!  Fucking "Suite Life With Zack and Cody".  I'd like to. . .Ooh!  Yes!  The twins on "Suite Life"!  Let's see you link Jeremy to the freaking Disney Channel!

ME:  Much to my dismay, Jeremy molested our innocent twins in "The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things".  Well, one of them anyway.  Not sure which kid drew the short straw on that day of filming.

JESS:  Euw. . .that's just. . .euw. . .

VOICE FROM MY KITCHEN:  How about linking him to Nathan Fillion, Hot Shot.

JESS:  Ha!  Yes!  Good luck with that one!

ME:  Mr. Fillion will be appearing on "Castle" tonight, right?

JESS:  Yeah, right.

ME:  While watching, take note of his co-star, the charming and dapper Kevin Ryan, played by Seamus Dever who in 2002 was competing with Jeremy Renner for the affections of Amy Stewart in the independent film "Monkey Love".

JESS:  I don't know whether to slow clap or hang up.  Do you think restraining orders are transferable? It would save Jeremy a lot of time and effort if Nathan could just sign his over.

ME:  I'll look into that.

JESS:  Please do.  And tell Max 'hi'.  That was him in the background, right?

ME:  Max is already in Chicago.  He started classes last week.

JESS:  Are Alex and Gina there?

ME:  Ummm. . .nooooooo. . .

JESS:  So who was. . .wait.  Back.  The fuck.  Up.  Is Hot Firefighter there!?!?

ME:  I thought we had agreed that he has a name.

JESS:  I don't give a shit about his name, is he in your KITCHEN!?!?

ME:  No! . . .he's in my living room.

JESS:  So, are you guys?. . .is he? . . .what the hell is going on!?!?

ME:  We're back together, but taking things reeeeeeeaaaaaally slow.

JESS:  And by slow you mean you aren't sleeping together?

ME:  Sweetie, you've seen the picture of him shirtless, what do you think?

JESS:  Valid point.  Well, I'm happy for you, Chica.  Tell him to treat you well.

ME:  Tell him yourself.  ((handing the phone to Dylan))

DYLAN:  Hi. . .Jess?

JESS:  Hi, Dylan, it's nice to meet you.  You've got a hell of a woman there.

DYLAN:  I know.

JESS:  Good.  Because if you fuck this up and hurt her in any way I will personally drive up there and cut off your balls with a jackknife.

DYLAN:  Ooooooookay. . .good to know.  Nice meeting you.  ((handing phone back to me))

ME:  Why does Dylan look like he's about to throw up?

JESS:  I just had to set up some ground rules.

ME:  I love you, Lorena Bobbitt.

JESS:  I love you more, Stalker Sally.

*Think you can stump me?  The gaunlet has been thrown -- name a celebrity and I will prove that all roads lead to Jeremy Renner.


Erica Burns said...

I felt bad for Jenny too when Nater-tater said "no way José- no twine pic for you". What I don't understand is why Wil Wheaton won't trick him into holding him some string and take a picture of it. He is the middle man between the two after all. If he was a real friend of Jenny's he should do it...

oh and... Michael Landon, GO!

Erica Burns said...

I felt bad for jenny with the whole Nater-Tater no twine thing too. If Wil Wheaton were a true friend he'd sneakily ask Nathan to hold it and snag a quick picture. He is the middle man after all between them...

oh and Michael Landon, GO!

Jen said...

ERICA - Michael Landon was in "High School Confidential" with Russ Tamblyn who was on "Joan of Arcadia" with his daughter Amber Tamblyn, who was on "The Unusuals" with Jeremy Renner. . .BAM.

Jen said...

Wow! You are hilarious and way too good at this 6 degrees of Jeremy Renner crap. Found you over at Abby's blog. Your comment had me laughing so I felt the need to check out your blog. Now I have someone else entertaining to follow. Finally!

Jen said...

JEN - Yay! Welcome to my dysfunctional world. :)

Kelly said...

A) Hot damn!

B) Hot damn!

C) I'm squee-ing!

D) Keith Coogan (I watched Adventures in Babysitting this weekend... SPAGHETTIOS! WITH MEAT!)

Frances Gronlier said...

LOL. Ricardo Montalban.... GO

Jen said...

KELLY - Keith Coogan was in "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" with Josh Charles who was in "S.W.A.T." with Jeremy Renner. :)

Leauxra said...

I will never take up that challenge. 9 times out of 10, someone mentions someone famous, and I say, "Who?" even if I love the actor. Because I rename them all, and can't remember their real names.

Also... Poor Dylan. Does he know that there will be a large population of female bloggers that might possibly harm him if he fucks up? No pressure, though.

Jen said...

FRANCES - Ricardo Montalban was in "Cannonball Run 2" with Shirley MacLaine who was in "Valentine's Day" with both Jessica Alba who was in "Fantastic Four" with Chris Evans who was in "The Avengers" with Jeremy Renner and also with Jennifer Garner who was in "Daredevil" with Ben Affleck who was in "The Town" with Jeremy Renner.

Jen said...

LEAUXRA - Misty has already declared a pre-emptive strike on his 'nads if he screws up. . .the pressure's on.

Jennifer Clark said...

Damn. I was gonna say Michael Landon. Ok, Jane Seymour!

And good luck with Dylan McRenner, sweetie. I hope I appreciates his good fortune.

Anonymous said...

I'm not playing. You're too good. I want a game in which I have at least a FIGHTING chance to win. :p

And WORD to Dylan's nads being set in my targets. There is plenty of room on my MEN WHO HURT JEN list, and if he values his manhood, he will want to stay off that list. I would put him directly under Mr. Numero Uno: GIL. Not good company to keep. He's been warned.

Oh, and "Hi, Dylan!" ((Waves friendily)). :D

Jen said...

JENNIFER - Jane Seymour was in "Wedding Crashers" with Rebecca DeMornay who was in "Risky Business" with Tom Cruise who was in "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol" with Jeremy Renner.

MISTY - I know he's reading this, so consider him warned. Oh! And he wanted me to tell you that he does, in fact, have a face. ;)

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

This 6 degrees "game" that you play is really a sickness. But you know that- right? Kind of like mine (and yours) with shoes and knowledge of reality TV.

Aaaaand know for the good stuff. "Text Jen" has been running through my head all morning but I was busy driving around and talking to strangers and scrubbing the kitchen counters and picking up pony poop. My life is GlAmOrOuS. My point is that I am SO GLAD to see that you and Mr. McSteamyRenner are giving it the old college try (without the blackouts and freshman 15). YAY!
Go Je-en, it's your birthday!

No if you'll excuse me, I need to go repeat myself 5 more times so that my children will actually freaking listen

Janene said...

Desi Arnaz Jr.

I'd like to up the ante and state that you can't link through his parents ... want to see if it's possible through the body of work only...

If you're game for it, that is. :-)

TheOtherLisa said...

Hermoine Gingold

And fingers crossed for both you and Hot Firefighter and his testicles.

Jen said...

JANENE - Game on! Desi Arnez Jr. played the role of his father in "The Mambo Kings" with Antonio Bandares who was the voice of Puss in Boots in "Shrek" alongside Jon Hamm (voice of Brogan) who was in "The Town" with Jeremy Renner. :)

Jen said...

LISA - Hermione Gingold was in "The Music Man" with Ron Howard who was on "Arrested Development" with Jeffrey Tambor and Jason Bateman who were both in "Paul" with Simon Pegg who was in "Mission Impossible:Ghost Protocol" with Jeremy Renner.

Gia said...

You are way too good with your Jeremy Renner knowledge. He is dreamy, though...

Jenna said...

I feel like I helped start something beautiful. also terrifying. But mostly beautiful. Hey, do Courtney Stoddard's husband! C'mon my little pop culture princess, you can do it! Also, Misty? I'm local, so if need be, I can your long-distance hand of doom and fate and judgment and stuffs.

Bexstar said...

Hi there. Your old kiwi sister wife here. Fuck me you are good at that 6 degrees of J.Renner game. I didnt even know who half those people were?
But anyway.....
Eric Bana. Go!

P.S ride that sexy hot fireman like your life depended on it. I forget what it's like to want to bang 20 times a day. Love from me x

Von said...

You be careful there, Jen.

And I wasn't going to play because I don't really know who Jeremy Renner is, but in for a penny....Rin Tin Tin.

TheOtherLisa said...

Well I'm impressed.

Jen said...

GIA- He is a fine piece of Hawkeye ass indeed.

JENNA - Courtney Stoddard's husband (aka. Doug Hutchison) was in "A Time To Kill" with Samuel L. Jackson who was in "The Avengers" with Jeremy Renner.

BEX - Much love to you, my Kiwi Sister Wife! xoxo Oh, and Eric Bana was in the 2003 version of "Hulk" with Jennifer Connolly who was in "He's Just Not That Into You" with both Scarlett Johannsen who was in "The Avengers" with Jeremy Renner and Ginnifer Goodwin who was in "Love Comes to the Executioner" with J-Ren.

VON - Fear not, I keep my heart guarded above all things. And Rin Tin Tin's faithful companion Jimmy was played by Frankie Darro who was then on "Perry Mason" with Raymond Burr who was in "Airplane 2" with Julie Hagerty who was in "Confessions of a Shopoholic" with Leslie Bibb who was in "Iron man 1 and 2" with Robert Downey Jr. who was in "The Avengers" with Jeremy.

QOE said...

Yay! My vicarious dating life is back on! Anyhoo, my best friend's large Italian family is deeply entrenched in the Boston waste management industry just in case you're in need of some trash removal in future.

Dylan, so your last screw-up went down about as well as an Amish whore. With that in mind, let me pass on a piece of advice that was given to my husband by my best friend's father on our wedding day: She's a good girl. Don't fuck it up. Capisce?

Jen said...

QOE - I love that I have an international posse of hitmen/women. You are the best! xoxo

Maggi Shelbourn said...

Isn't great to have a posse who have your back when it comes to men? When my husband and I announced our engagement, all of my friends (especially the male ones who also knew my ex and how badly I was hurt by his screwing around on me)pretty much said the same things about not hurting me.

As for the Six Degrees...Patrick Stewart

Jen said...

MAGGI - Patrick Stewart was in "X-Men Origins" with Ryan Reynolds who was in "Definitely/Maybe" with Rachel Weisz who was in "Bourne Legacy" with Jeremy Renner. :)

Chillin'Villain said...

Cheating on Nathan...I'm disappointed....

May as well toss out a few:


Gael Garcia Bernal

Delores del Rio

P.S.- Thumbs up or down on last night's eppy?

Jen said...

CV - I'll always love Nathan...we just need some quality "alone time" ;)

(1) Shakira was on the Latino show "Taina" with Christina Vidal who was in "Life with Mikey" with Victor Garber who is in "Argo" with Ben Affleck who directed and costarred in "The Town" with Jeremy Renner.

(2) Gael Garcia Bernal was in "The Limits of Control" with Bill Murray who was in "Lost in Translation" with Scarlett Johannsen who ws in "The Avengers" with Jeremy Renner.

(3) Delores del Rio was in "The Children of Sanchez" with Anthony Quinn who was in "The Last Action Hero" with Arnold Schwarzeneggar who was in "The Expendables" with Mickey Rourke who was in "Iron Man 2" with Scarlett Johannsen/Clark Gregg/ Robert Downey Jr./Samuel L. Jackson/Gwyneth Paltrow who were all in "The Avengers" with Jeremy.

As for last night eppy. . .meh. At least Espo has stopped being such a douche to Ryan.

Leslie said...

How about Patricia Arquette?

Jen said...

LESLIE - Patricia Arquette was on "Medium" with Sofia Vassilieva who was in "My Sister's Keeper" with Abigail Breslin who was in "Definitely/Maybe" with Rachel Weisz who was in "Bourne Legacy" with Jeremy Renner. "Whoot-whoot!"

TheChickIsRight said...

*applauding your vast (slightly scary - Rin Tin Tin? Shit, girl!) Jeremy Renner knowledge*

Yay! So happy for you and hot fireman (a.k.a. Dylan Betterbehavehimselfifheknowswhatsgoodforhim McRenner)! I really hope it all works out for you.

Do the actors have to be American? If not, how about Audrey Tatou?

Jen said...

CHICK - Foreign actors are totally acceptable! Audrey Tautou was in "The DaVinci Code" with Paul Bettany who does the voice of JARVIS in "The Avengers".

Eunice said...

Here's one. Christopher Lee. Heh, let's see you 6 degrees him! Um, please. Forgot to be polite, I was so gobsmacked at your prowess!

Jen said...

EUNICE - I LOVE Christopher Lee! He was in "Dark Shadows" with Helena Bonham Carter who was in "Fight Club" with Edward Norton who was in "The Bourne Legacy" with Jeremy Renner. :)

Brandi said...

How about Rachael Carpani, Enuka Okuma, and Corbin Bernsen?

Jen said...

(1). Rachel Carpani was on Against the Wall with Kathy Baker who was in 13 Going on 30 with Jennifer Garner who was in Daredevil with Ben Affleck who was in The Town with Jeremy Renner.

(2) Enuka Okuma is on Rookie Blue with Missy Peregrym who was in Stick It with Jeff Bridges who was in Iron Man with Robert Downey Jr. Who was in Avengers with Jeremy Renner.

(3). Corbin Bernsen was in Major League with Rene Russo who was in Thor with Jeremy Renner.

Janene said...

Matthew Arkin. Same deal as with Desi Arnaz Jr (no 6 degrees through his father).

Jen said...

JANENE - Matthew Arkin was in Liar Liar with Maura Tierney who was in Baby Mama with Dax Shepard who is on Parenthood with Erika Christiansen who was in The Perfect Score with Scarlett Johannsen and Chris Evans who were in The Avengers with J-Ren.

Valerie said...

Are... Are you God???



Jen said...

VALERIE- I'm a Thor or Loki. ;)

Anonymous said...

There's a shorter Eric Bana route. Bana was in "Hulk" which had Stan Lee as a security guard. Stan is also in the Avengers.

I try to make my husband play this with me, but he starts to get annoyed when I get all excited about figuring it out so fast.

Jen said...

LILY - Stan Lee for the WIN!!! I love him so damned hard.

Rachael said...

I won't threaten Dylan with physical harm, I'll threaten him with transportation to Port Arthur or Sarah Island (let's see how much Tassie history you remember!).

6 Degrees - Essie Davis. I think she'll actually be fairly easy.

Laura said...


Ben Bass

Are you still playing the game?

Laura said...

Are you still playing the game?

Ben Bass

and since you went all weekend warrior at Edgefield I assume Dylan is still "in tact"

Jen said...

RACHAEL- Essie Davis was in Girl With A Pearl Earring with Scarlett Johanssen who was in Avengers with Jeremy Renner.

LAURA - Ben Bass was in The 6th Day with Arnold Schwarzanwgger who was in The Expendables with Mickey Rourke who was in Iron Man 2 with Scarlett, Gwyneth, Robert D. Jr., Sam Jackson and Clark Gregg who were all in Avengers with Jeremy Renner.

Laura said...

Matt Gordon

Jen said...

LAURA- You loves some Rookie Blue, don't you? ;). Matt Gordon is on Rookie Blue with Missy Peregym who was in Stick It with Jeff Bridges who was in Iron Man with Robert Downey Jr who was in Avengers with J-Renner.