Monday, October 8, 2012

"Have Fun Storming the Castle!"

"Do you want to go somewhere, or just hang out?"  I asked, nudging Dylan's leg with my foot.

"I dunno," he mumbled into the arm of the couch.  "what do you wanna do?"

I signed deeply.  "Oh shit, have we become THOSE people?"  Dylan raised his head and regarded me quizzically.

"What people?"

I threw my hands in the air in frustration.  "You know, those 'sit-on-the-couch-whadda-you-wanna-do?' people!  Is that what we are?"

"No."  Dylan replied, propping his feet on the coffee table.  "We're those 'I-just-got-off-a-14-hour-shift-and-you-didn't-sleep-for-shit-last-night' people.  Relax.  I like just vegging out with you.  Why don't we watch a movie?" 

I agreed with a minimal amount of sulking. . .*

*and by minimal I mean I was a complete asshole.

. . .and we began burrowing through my extensive collection of DVD's.

"Hey! I haven't seen this in ages!"  Dylan cried, holding aloft my copy of "Field of Dreams".  "Want to watch it?"

I shook my head frantically.  "Oh HELL no!  That movie makes me cry like a little bitch  every damned time.  I'm an ugly cryer. . .you're not ready for that yet."

Dylan gazed at me with great solemnity and then asked in a quavering voice,  "Hey. . .Dad? . . .do you wanna have a catch?"

"I hate you so hard right now."  I scowled, snatching the DVD case from his hand.

"Umm, Jen?"  Dylan asked, holding two box sets in his hands "Out of curiosity, did you somehow think that owning the entire season of 'Firefly' would somehow counterbalance the extreme amount of 'suck' contained in the box set of 'Bring It On' movies?"

"Oh no you did NOT just talk smack about 'Bring It On'."  I cried.  "They are the tales of a plucky young rebel escaping a neo-socialist regime to create a bridge between the classes.  And they're perky, they're cute, they're popular to boot."

Dylan shook his head sadly.  "I'm not going to win this battle, am I?"

"Not a chance, my friend."  I smiled, patting him on the shoulder.  "This is not a democracy, it's a cheerocracy."

We searched a little more when I unearthed a battered DVD with a gasp.  "Yes! Perfect!" I squealed.

Dylan peered over my shoulder.  "'The Princess Bride'?  Oh, yeah, I've heard about that one."

I stared at him in shock.  "HEARD about it?  You've never SEEN 'The Princess Bride'?"

He shrugged absently.  "No. . .isn't it kind of a girl movie?"

I clutched the movie to my chest protectively.  "A 'girl movie'?  No!  This is the ULTIMATE movie!   It has everything! Romance, sword-fighting, rodents of unusual size, sociopathic Sicilians with speech impediments. . .how have you NOT seen this?"

"This coming from the woman who's never seen 'Rocky' or 'The Godfather'."  he countered.  "Is that even legal?"

"Pfft!"  I waved my hand dismissively and then inserted the DVD into the player.  "Sit back and prepare to be blown away."*

*That's what she said. 

We watched in silence as Princess Buttercup and the Farm Boy traipsed through the meadows, kissing tenderly to Mark Knopfler's theme music.

"Oh, yeah,"  Dylan drawled sarcastically "no way THIS is a girl movie.  Wait, isn't that the dude from "Saw"?  He's kind of a douche."

"Shh!"  I huffed, elbowing him in the ribs.  "You're harshing my Cary Elwes zen."

We continued watching with limited commentary until Count Rugan (aka. 'The 6 Fingered Man') rode into the scene.

"No way!"  Dylan cried, leaning forward in excitement.  "It's Nigel Tufnel!"

I squinted in confusion.  "No, it's Christopher Guest."

Dylan gaped at me in astonishment.  "No, I mean he played Nigel Tufnel. . .in 'This Is Spinal Tap'?  The greatest mockumentary of all time?"

I crinkled my nose in mild derision.  "Oh, yeah. . .I tried to watch that once. . .couldn't really get into it."

"But. . .but. . ." Dylan stammered.  "You own 'Waiting For Guffman' and 'Best In Show'.  How can you NOT like 'This Is Spinal Tap'?"

"I don't know,"  I mused "isn't it kind of a 'guy movie'?"

Dylan shook his head and flopped back on the couch.  "You're killing me here, Jen."

The next hour was an unending series of cleverly placed 'Spinal Tap' quotes until I went batshit crazy and was about to go Tarantino on Dylan's ass with the remote.

  • "Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful." he mused as Fezzig picked up a club.
  • "This piece is called "Lick My Love Pump" he chuckled as the theme music swelled.
  • "Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported" he noted sagely as the rebels snuck through the castle gates wearing the cloak of fire.
  • "Put it up to eleven!"  he guffawed as Count Rugen cranked up the torture device.
Do you see what I mean?  Bat.  Shit.  Crazy.   I managed to keep it together until the credits began to roll, then sighed and clicked off the TV.  "So,"  I smiled, turning to Dylan.  "don't you agree that movie is a classic?"

He shrugged.  "It was OK."

"OK!?!?"  I shouted.  "How can you call 'The Princess Bride' OK!?!?"

"Well, c'mon.  It was pretty cheesy."  Dylan laughed.  "I mean, it was cool that they brought Westley back from the dead and basically made him a zombie because. . .you know. . .zombies.  But the rest of it?  Way too far-fetched."

I shook my head in astonishment.  "Please, elaborate."

Dylan thought for a moment.  "Well, for starters, why didn't Westley kill the Prince? He just left him tied up. . .poorly, I might add, and cruised off into the meadow?  So, why don't they show the next scene?  The one where Prince Humperdink shrugs his way out of the ropes and gets his entire royal army to hunt Westley down and pound his ass like a narc in the prison yard. I mean, they must have mentioned, like, a hundred times what a great hunter the Prince was.  You seriously think he couldn't track down a guy dressed like Zorro, an 8-foot tall wrestler, a blonde with no discernible acting skills, and a Spaniard with a massive flesh wound?  Helen Keller could find those guys before they hit the county line."

I sat in stunned silence.  "Did you like any of it?"

"I liked that Andre the Giant was in it."  he admitted "Of course, it made sense to have him in it.  The crappy one-liners and choreographed fight scenes were just like watching pro-wrestling, circa 1981."

I rose from the couch and put away the DVD, wandering quietly into the kitchen.

"Hey,"  Dylan said, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. "are you mad that I didn't like the movie?"

I shook my head a little sadly.  "I'm not mad, just. . .disappointed.  That movie has always been really special to me and it just bums me out that we don't have that in common."

Dylan let go of my waist and turned me to face him.  "Jen, it's OK to like different things.  You didn't like 'Spinal Tap'.  I can't listen to Pitbull without driving a pen in my ear. You hate camping.  I can't gag down that kale salad you love so much."

"Kale is really good for you!" I argued.
"Kale might cure male pattern baldness and increase my penis size; I'm still not eating that crap."  He smiled and placed his hands on my shoulders.  "My point is, we agree on the important things: parenting, politics, and that Dick York was a far superior Darren Stevens."

"Oh, without a doubt."  I nodded.  "So, let's just agree that your shitty taste in music is perfectly offset by my shitty taste in cinema.  Deal?"

"Deal." he laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"Oh, and. . .D?"  


I smiled up at him sweetly.  "The next time you quote 'Spinal Tap' in the middle of a movie I reserve the right to punch you in the kidneys, OK?"

He smirked and leaned over, kissing the tip of my nose.  "As you wish."


Kari said...

I can't believe he didn't like that movie... but I guess the last sentence made up for him not liking it. :)

Leauxra said...

I don't know how ANYONE between the ages of 25 and 50 could NOT have seen The Princess Bride during their formative years.

... are you sure Dylan is not a pod person?

Erica Burns said...

it being the anniversay of the Princess Bride Movie I downloaded it for my Nook so I can actually read the book. lol have i done it yet? nope.. One of the best things about the movie is the cheese factor. It's silly and romantic and just AWESOME... but people like us have seen it so many times since it's been out we can't get enough.

Maybe for Dylan it's like trying a new food.. sometimes you need to eat it 7-10 times before you realize you like it.. sooooo.. I say you watch it again. Maybe make it into a drinking game (or something)

Winopants said...

Cary Elwes is a douche? Oh no no. I will have to admit though, I watched PB for the first time when I was in my twenties, and it didn't have quite the effect on me as on those who had grown up with it. Still love it tho.
I tried watching Army or Darkness with someone who hadn't seen it as a teenager, and they were like, "wtf, this is lame." I was a little crushed.

Jen said...

KARI - He has a way of redeeming himself in the final inning. :)

LEAUXRA - I know!!! What in God's name is wrong with the man! ((sigh)) It's a good thing he's cute.

ERICA - I could recite the entire movie verbatim, I shit you not. "We are men of action...lies do not become us."

Jen said...

WINO - Thou shalt NOT speak ill of "Army of Darkness"!!!! That is blasphemy, yo.

Frances Gronlier said...

How can you not like this part?!
UGH Dylan Dylan Dylan.... what to do

Jim said...

This blog post goes to eleven.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, he's totally dead to me now. He didn't LOVE that movie? Pfft! Inconceivable!

Well, you still have me. I appreciate the greatness that is PB. I wonder if it really IS a matter of WHEN you first see it. Maybe if you are too old, it's just.....dare I say.....dumb? Wait, what the hell am I saying? That movie is the personification of awesomeness! That boy be cray-cray!!!

Jen said...

FRANCES - Note to self: do not watch that clip while at work or I may end up laughing hysterically. :)

JIM - ((fist bump))

MISTY - "Would you like to go back to where I found you!?!? Unemployed? In GREENLAND!?!?" Yeah, that was almost a deal breaker, not gonna lie.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

I like This is Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, camping AND kale. It is clear that I should fly to Portland for a weekend and be your mediator.

Gia said...

Wow, even *I* have seen the princess bride, and I haven't seen freaking anything.

Jen said...

JOHI- I will join you for the movies and the kale, but the camping? Pfft! You're on your own.

GIA - Seriously! Who hasn't seen that movie! ((sigh)) It's a good thing Dylan is cute.

Andrea said...

You say to-may-to, he says to-mah-to! So cheesy, sorry. I kind of love staying in to watch a movie

Elsie said...

One of the best movies ever! He probably liked it but didn't want to admit it. You'll see, he's going to be quoting it all the time!!

Laura said...

I've never seen Princess Bride... But neither have I seen Spinal Tap. Doesn't really matter. He let you pick the movie and watched it with you w/o - I might add - falling asleep after a 14 hours shift. He's a keeper even if you're cinema doesn't match. Plus he had me at... Kale might cure male pattern baldness and increase my penis size; I'm still not eating that crap! PS: my husband says the same thing about squash. Secure in their manhood they are if they are not looking for ANYWAY to increase their penis size... So says Yoda

Laura said...

and... OMG. You quoted John Pinnette you are truly my hero.

Valerie said...

The Princess Bride was a great movie. But I understand that he might not like it. But not liking Bring it On?!?! He now has questionable tastes in movies as far as I'm concerned. ;o)



Jen said...

LAURA- I did? That's so weird since...I have no idea who Pinnette is. What did I say that quoted him? :)

Laura said...

that's how well I know the movie
Hello my name is... I thought was a John P quote. Turns out... It's a Princess Bride thing. LOL

Erica Burns said...

I can quote Robin Hood men in tights and also Spaceballs verbatim.. love those movies

Brett Minor said...

I am a MAN who will proudly proclaim that The Princess Bride is NOT a chick flick. Awesome movie. Although, I am confused as to how he can have gotten through the years without seeing it. That is must see cinema.

I dated a girl once who had never seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I wasn't even sure I could talk to her after that.

Anonymous said...

Would have been a deal breaker for me - The Princess Bride is my all time favorite movie and book. If you can find the time, READ THE BOOK. It's laugh-out-loud hilarious and makes the movie even better.

I had a law school prof who looked like a giant Vizzini...he never figured out why everythng was inconceivable, or why 80% of the class snickered every time someone said it.

Jen said...

ANONYMOUS- I've read the book a million times and just recently finished reading it to my short people. It's one of my favorites.

El Gato said...

I do not think that word means what you think it means....

Also, I have LIVED through so many Spinal Tap moments, priceless. Cheers!

RemarkableMonkey said...

Sorry... I like the Princess Bride well enough, but Spinal Tap is hysterical on SOOOO many levels. Gotta go with Tap FTW.

Besides, they've got armadillos in their trousers.

Tiffany said...

Just last week, my 5 year old twins were swordfighting in the yard with sticks; one yelling, "K-K-Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You kill my father! Prepare to be died!" and the other trying to correct the misquote. But the attempt at the way Mandy P said "Hello" was the funniest.

And they've been in the treehouse, pointing down, screaming at the shreiking eels in the "water" below.

How does one miss out on that movie? It's like Goonies & Stand By Me. That's like saying he never tried to breakdance or moonwalk.

Tainted Fibers said...

Never seen the Princess Bride. But I have seen Pulp Fiction enough times to say the lines along with the actors.

Ellen at Defenestrated Feet said...

I was mildly infuriated at his unappreciative attitude towards TPB... until the last line. DAAAWWWWEEEEEEE!

He's a keeper!

QOE said...

Conversation between Hubs and I last night:
Me: Do you think Princess Bride is on Netflix?
Hubs: Princess Bride?
Me: Yeah, you know, ROUSes, Cary Elwes, Inigo Montoya.
Hubs: *blank stare*
Me: Mother Mary in a mojito! You've never seen it?!
Hubs: *scoffing* Hardly.
Me: How have you never seen it? It's a classic!
Hubs: This from the woman who was watching "Drive Me Crazy" this weekend.
Me: Shut your porky mouth! You know I was oddly mesmerized by Melissa Joan Hart's droppy eyelid and trout mouth.
Hubs: Ok, crazy lady.
Thing 2 (in the background): Mama crazy.
Hubs: Yes she is.

I'm positive that this is grounds for divorce. Possibly. Also, Hubs is a big Spinal Tap fan but he has learned that saying "lick my love pump" is not a turn-on and will, in fact, result in a punch to the nads.

Jen said...

QOE - I LOVED "Drive Me Crazy"! Now I'm picturing Melissa Joan Hart saying "We'll see you your formal wear!"

Kelly Fox said...

Inconceivable!! Blasphemer!
I luuurrrv that movie. I lurv it so much.