Well, it's election time again, and unless you've been hiding out in an Iraqi spider hole I'm sure you've been thoroughly inundated with political ads, heated debates, and a veritable plethora of information from such erudite sources as CNN, Fox News, and Facebook. While I like to consider myself relatively politically aware. . .*
*and by that I mean I fangirl equally on Bill O'Reilly and Jon Stewart
. . .I also believe that one's politics are as personal as their religion and their grooming rituals and when cornered to "defend" my stance as Republican I get twitchier than Michael J. Fox after a triple espresso. Here in the U.S. of A we are never happier than when we are climbing up in someone's grill and trying to "convert" them like a Jehovah's Witness on Adderall. Ease up there, party people. Feel free to "Rock the Vote" as much as you want, but if you start getting all judgy and finger-pointy at me simply based on my political affiliation then I will freeze up like an Otter Pop and be out of there so fast I'll leave a fucking contrail. You aren't going to change me. . .stronger men have tried and failed.
That being said, let me simply state that what most of you have been told about Republicans is a steaming pileof horseshit. Contrary to popular opinion, the majority of us do not spend our days yukking it up with Taylor Swift and her Kennedy coterie at the Hamptons after a long day of beating up gays and bombing abortion clinics. In reality we are such a eclectic bunch of quirky bastards that if you lined us all up it would probably look like a casting call for a John Waters film. We are wealthy, and poor, we are large families, and single parents, we are white, black, Asian, Hispanic, Christian, Jewish, educated, and illiterate. We are just another faction of this nation of Misfit Toys, and like everyone else, we represent the best and the worst of our genre.
Who am I voting for in this election? Well, let's see. . .we have one man who flip-flops back and forth more than Pamela Anderson's tits on a trampoline, and we have one man who has as much charisma as Kristen Stewart on Nyquil. To be honest, watching the debate this year was so disturbing it makes a German “Scheisse” film look like fucking Fantasia. Just once I would like to see an old-school election. One that doesn't involve People magazine cover stories and YouTube videos of poorly sung Al Green songs.*
I say put them both in an arena without publicists and stylists and speech writers and let them just go all Suzanne Collins on each other. I can pretty well guarantee that after about 48 hours of that shit the benevolent glad-handing façades will get stripped faster than a Range Rover in Northeast Portland. Maybe then, and only then, will both sides of the political fence finally realize that we aren't really all that different. . .we're all equal assholes in the eyes of the Lord.
I get asked many times, "Why are you a Republican?" Well, a million little reasons, really, but two above all else:
1) I want to see bad guys get fried like KFC, and
2) I like money.
Sure, I've heard all of the statistics that claim the death penalty does nothing to deter crime but in all likelihood it's because we're being too goddamn humane about it. We live in a country where prisoners are given a gentle injection that helps them peacefully drift off to Valhalla while a kindly, cancer-ridden granny in Des Moines is popping morphine like they're fucking Tic-Tacs because Kevorkian's afraid of getting his hand slapped. I say, make the punishment fit the crime. You kill my son? I get five minutes in a room alone with you with a penknife and a bag of rocks. When I hear the further argument that "the death penalty costs three times as much as keeping a man in prison for life" all I can think is, gee! It sure is comforting to know that my tax dollars will be providing a college education, a gym membership, and expanded cable to the son of a bitch who slaughtered my family. Trust me, if one of them hurts one of my own, I'll write the fucking check myself. Because sometimes you just reach a point where you stumble across a Dahmer or a Bundy or a Manson and you realize that there is no possible way they are ever going to peacefully coexist with humanity and the only viable option is total eradication.
Most people assume that since I am a Republican I am anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage. Most people would be wrong. Could I ever get an abortion? No, I really don't think I could. But I will go to the ropes every damned time to defend every woman's right to make that choice for herself. My problem is not with abortion in extreme cases, my only problem is with women who use it as a method of birth control. If you are so incapable of remembering to take that pill or get that shot or grab that handful of condoms from your teenaged son's wallet then maybe it's time you considered putting a tighter latch on your hurt locker. Personal responsibility, ladies. It's the careless few that are making the conscientious masses look like assholes.*
*Yeah, I'm talking to you, MTV.
As for gay marriage, I think the only way that it will ruin the sanctity of the institution is that they'll show us how badly we've screwed it up. I think it takes a pretty stellar sack of brass balls to claim same-sex marriage isn't a valid union, considering that only 14% of same-sex marriages end in divorce, compared to the over 50% of heterosexual marriages that end up in a lawyer's office, screaming over who gets the treadmill and who gets the toaster oven. And as for same-sex couples raising children, all I know is that two of the most loving, successful, and brilliant people I know were raised by homosexual couples and some of the biggest dickheads I know had the perfect Brady Bunch childhood. The bottom line is that kids need loving and supportive parents and I really don't think it matters worth a damn if both of those parents stand up to pee.
Despite the fact that I am a proud Republican, I don't always vote for the Republican candidate. In fact, I'd say it's been about 50/50 since I turned eighteen. I vote for the issues and the platform, not the political party. So, who am I voting for in this next election? It may surprise you. . .or it may not. The point is, it is my vote. Mine. And I don't have to defend it or prove it to anyone. Our country was founded on the basis of freedom and acceptance and yet somehow overnight we went from Kate Smith's "God Bless America" to Ugly Kid Joe's "I Hate Everything About You". Political party bashing has become the last socially acceptable level of judgmental hatred in this country and it needs to stop. Like Bill Maher said, "if Founding Father Thomas Jefferson saw what had become of this great nation he'd be rolling over in his slave".
Be kind to each other. And God/Allah/the Earth Mother bless America.
PS: It's Ladies Night at Dude Write, y'all! Come on over and hear what my sisters have to say: http://dudewrite.blogspot.com/