Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Rombama in 2012!




Well, it's election time again, and unless you've been hiding out in an Iraqi spider hole I'm sure you've been thoroughly inundated with political ads, heated debates, and a veritable plethora of information from such erudite sources as CNN, Fox News, and Facebook.  While I like to consider myself relatively politically aware. . .*


*and by that I mean I fangirl equally on Bill O'Reilly and Jon Stewart


. . .I also believe that one's politics are as personal as their religion and their grooming rituals and when cornered to "defend" my stance as  Republican I get twitchier than Michael J. Fox after a triple espresso.  Here in the U.S. of A we are never happier than when we are climbing up in someone's grill and trying to "convert" them like a Jehovah's Witness on Adderall.  Ease up there, party people.  Feel free to "Rock the Vote" as much as you want, but if you start getting all judgy and finger-pointy at me simply based on my political affiliation then I will freeze up like an Otter Pop and be out of there so fast I'll leave a fucking contrail.  You aren't going to change me. . .stronger men have tried and failed.  

That being said, let me simply state that what most of you have been told about Republicans is a steaming pileof horseshit.  Contrary to popular opinion, the majority of us do not spend our days yukking it up with Taylor Swift and her Kennedy coterie at the Hamptons after a long day of beating up gays and bombing abortion clinics.  In reality we are such a eclectic bunch of quirky bastards that if you lined us all up it would probably look like a casting call for a John Waters film.  We are wealthy, and poor, we are large families, and single parents, we are white, black, Asian, Hispanic, Christian, Jewish, educated, and illiterate.  We are just another faction of this nation of Misfit Toys, and like everyone else, we represent the best and the worst of our genre.

Who am I voting for in this election?  Well, let's see. . .we have one man who flip-flops back and forth more than Pamela Anderson's tits on a trampoline, and we have one man who has as much charisma as Kristen Stewart on Nyquil.  To be honest, watching the debate this year was so disturbing it makes a German “Scheisse” film look like fucking Fantasia.  Just once I would like to see an old-school election.  One that doesn't involve People magazine cover stories and YouTube videos of poorly sung Al Green songs.*




*Seriously, WTF!?!?


I say put them both in an arena without publicists and stylists and speech writers and let them just go all Suzanne Collins on each other.  I can pretty well guarantee that after about 48 hours of that shit the benevolent glad-handing fa├žades will get stripped faster than a Range Rover in Northeast Portland. Maybe then, and only then, will both sides of the political fence finally realize that we aren't really all that different. . .we're all equal assholes in the eyes of the Lord.

I get asked many times, "Why are you a Republican?"  Well, a million little reasons, really, but two above all else:

                   1) I want to see bad guys get fried like KFC, and
                   2) I like money.

Sure, I've heard all of the statistics that claim the death penalty does nothing to deter crime but in all likelihood it's because we're being too goddamn humane about it.  We live in a country where prisoners are given a gentle injection that helps them peacefully drift off to Valhalla while a kindly, cancer-ridden granny in Des Moines is popping morphine like they're fucking Tic-Tacs because Kevorkian's afraid of getting his hand slapped.  I say, make the punishment fit the crime.  You kill my son?  I get five minutes in a room alone with you with a penknife and a bag of rocks.  When I hear the further argument that "the death penalty costs three times as much as keeping a man in prison for life" all I can think is, gee! It sure is comforting to know that my tax dollars will be providing a college education, a gym membership, and expanded cable to the son of a bitch who slaughtered my family.  Trust me, if one of them hurts one of my own, I'll write the fucking check myself.  Because sometimes you just reach a point where you stumble across a Dahmer or a Bundy or a Manson and you realize that there is no possible way they are ever going to peacefully coexist with humanity and the only viable option is total eradication.  

Most people assume that since I am a Republican I am anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage.  Most people would be wrong.  Could I ever get an abortion?  No, I really don't think I could.  But I will go to the ropes every damned time to defend every woman's right to make that choice for herself.  My problem is not with abortion in extreme cases, my only problem is with women who use it as a method of birth control.  If you are so incapable of remembering to take that pill or get that shot or grab that handful of condoms from your teenaged son's wallet then maybe it's time you considered putting a tighter latch on your hurt locker.  Personal responsibility, ladies.  It's the careless few that are making the conscientious masses look like assholes.*


*Yeah, I'm talking to you, MTV.


As for gay marriage, I think the only way that it will ruin the sanctity of the institution is that they'll show us how badly we've screwed it up.  I think it takes a pretty stellar sack of brass balls to claim same-sex marriage isn't a valid union, considering that only 14% of same-sex marriages end in divorce, compared to the over 50% of heterosexual marriages that end up in a lawyer's office, screaming over who gets the treadmill and who gets the toaster oven.  And as for same-sex couples raising children, all I know is that two of the most loving, successful, and brilliant people I know were raised by homosexual couples and some of the biggest dickheads I know had the perfect Brady Bunch childhood.  The bottom line is that kids need loving and supportive parents and I really don't think it matters worth a damn if both of those parents stand up to pee.

Despite the fact that I am a proud Republican, I don't always vote for the Republican candidate.  In fact, I'd say it's been about 50/50 since I turned eighteen.  I vote for the issues and the platform, not the political party. So, who am I voting for in this next election?  It may surprise you. . .or it may not.  The point is, it is my vote.   Mine.   And I don't have to defend it or prove it to anyone.  Our country was founded on the basis of freedom and acceptance and yet somehow overnight we went from Kate Smith's "God Bless America" to Ugly Kid Joe's "I Hate Everything About You".   Political party bashing has become the last socially acceptable level of judgmental hatred in this country and it needs to stop.  Like Bill Maher said, "if  Founding Father Thomas Jefferson saw what had become of this great nation he'd be rolling over in his slave".

But whether you are a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, or Independent, please. . .VOTE!  Make your voice heard.  And if you aren't registered to vote or too apathetic to mail in that ballot, then please. . .shut the hell up.  Talking the talk without walking the walk is a little like watching porn; it may get you all worked up but you aren’t really actively involved and people lose all respect for you when they find out.

Be kind to each other.  And God/Allah/the Earth Mother bless America.

xoxo,
Jen

PS:  It's Ladies Night at Dude Write, y'all!  Come on over and hear what my sisters have to say:  http://dudewrite.blogspot.com/ 



45 comments:

Tricia said...

A-freakin-men. That is all.

Jenna said...

I freaking love you.

Fyre said...

Jen ~ once again, you have nailed it, my sista (and, no, I'm not referring to the hot man you have that I completely envy you for!). As for myself, I am a registered "Independent" and proud of it. Like you, I take hits off both sides...I mean, I take the good from both parties. While it is true, I do tend to lean a bit liberal, I'm all about taking responsibility and seeing others be responsible for themselves. So, I will second you...VOTE, PEOPLE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE VOTE OR SHUT THE HELL UP! Oops...sorry about the yelling. Well, not sorry really, but you know what I mean... ;)

Jen said...

TRICIA- Thanks, Chica! :)

JENNA- Right back atcha, Girl. Oh! And J's been doing the jellyfish fist bump you taught him like a champ. I knew you'd be proud. :)

FYRE- I love you mad hard right now. I need to drag my ass out to St. Johns to meet you for coffee.

Ellen at Defenestrated Feet said...

As one of my favourite people (a.k.a. my boyfriend) once said:

"Politics is the mind-killer. When you start supporting a policy simply because your favourite party supports it (or your least favourite party opposes it), you have stopped thinking."

Great post!

Mistyslaws said...

I love you, despite your wayward Republican ways. I mean, how could I not love someone who mentions both
John Waters AND Ugly Kid Joe in the same post. :)

Erica Burns said...

so I found this on google + today and you should watch it because if this is how the debate really went, it would've been way better! http://youtu.be/QlwilbVYvUg

Gia said...

I need this election to be over. Way too stressful. Toying with my emotions. Can't take it. SIGH.

Laura said...

Vote yes. I agree. But!!! Give us someone to vote for. Give us someone that has a prayer of making a difference. Make a system where special interest doesn't get the guy they want elected. Give us someone that didn't buy their way into the house on Pennsylvania Ave. Doesn't matter what party Dem or Rep they bought there way in. To run for office in this country you must be RICH to begin with and have exceptionally wealthy friends. The system OVERALL is broken if we repeatedly vote for the lesser of all evils. NOT TO OVERSTATE THIS BUT "W" GOT TWO TERMS PEOPLE. Do you know what that means. It means the other guy was so BAD that we said ok. We can live with this IDIOT for four more years. That is FUCKED UP. If we don't fix the system we don't have a prayer of having a decent candidate. That is why people do not vote. It doesn't matter who is elected. They will do the bidding of the people that paid them to take the seat. That is what we need to fix.

Fyre said...

Totes up for coffee in SJ! You can even bring the hotness and we can swing by 22, so I can ogle and drool! ;)

Jenna said...

Jen - good thing he took to the jellyfish instead of the squid or the rifle, those two are a bit more aggressive.

Leauxra said...

Sometimes, I don't want to vote, but I always always, do. Why? Because when I was in New Orleans, they made it nearly impossible for someone (me) without reliable transportation (no car) during business hours (I had a freaking JOB), to even REGISTER.

I am a registered Independent. If a Libertarian or Green party candidate had a possibility of winning, maybe I could get really excited (yes, I like both parties. One is so right it's left, and the other is so left it's right)... as it is, I get more excited about the local stuff.

Right now Colorado is trying to pass a constitutional amendment to limit campaign funding and to disallow money from outside the state. THAT is freaking important.

(And I've voted Republican, Democrat, Green, and once wrote in Mickey Mouse when I was particularly pissed off at the local selection).

Jen said...

ELLEN - Fist bump your boyfriend for me. He sounds rad. :)

MISTY I love you to, you little flaming liberal! xoxo

ERICA - That is AWESOME! I totally gigglesnorted my juice on the keyboard.

GIA - I'm just ready for it to be over on Facebook so everyone can go back to posting what they ate for lunch and bitching about the weather.

LAURA - Will YOU run for office? Because I would totally vote for you, Girl. :)

FYRE - Sweet! I seriously haven't been to SJ in over ten years, I shit you not.

JENNA - He did the rifle in church on Sunday. Well played, my friend.

Winopants said...

This post is a breath of fresh air. Yes, it's possible for people to think for themselves, and to not have ideas that fall into only black and white categories (Love the O'Reilly and Stewart fangirl comment).
I personally don't think it will matter too much whoever gets elected. There are simply a different set of corporate pockets that will be lined.
At least neither of the candidates are complete a-holes. They are both a little spineless and wishy- washy, but that seems to be how the two parties like them these days: easy to keep in line.
Can we get a viable third party?? That gets my vote.

Jen said...

LEAUXRA- EXACTLY! Vote for the issue, not the party! You rock. ((fist bump))

WINOPANTS - I'm still casting my vote for Laura. LAURA IN 2012!!!

Brittany said...

I grew up hearing the story of how my Grandma wrapped a chain around the refrigerator with a padlock on it. It was a month after my mom turned 18 and there was a note on the fridge that said "If you don't vote, you don't eat." My mom registered to vote the next day. I walked my happy butt to the fire station three weeks before my 18th b-day. There was no way I was risking my food!! :D

TheOtherLisa said...

I would totally marry you if I was a) not heterosexually inclined and b) already married.

It seems like lately both sides of the political aisle are more concerned with being "right" than they are about serving we the people.

Just once before I die I would like to vote for someone I truly believe in. It's a wild ass fantasy but it's mine.

Anonymous said...

Awaiting more posts!

Jen said...

BRITTANY- Your grandma sounds like a total rockstar. Can I steal that idea when my short people turn 18?

LISA- I hear what you're saying. These days picking a candidate is like deciding which is the slightly sweeter smelling pile of shit.

QOE said...

A-to the freakin'-men! Now who wants to join hands and sing the chorus of "Abraham, Martin and John"? Anybody? Bueller?

Laura said...

Jen said...
LISA- I hear what you're saying. These days picking a candidate is like deciding which is the slightly sweeter smelling pile of shit.
Exactly. I see by the comments that I am not the only one longing for a candidate that I believe in. Here's a deal... I'll be president. Hottie with the body can be my Vice President - for inspirational purposes of course - Jen can be sec of state - My hubby would adore being in charge of the military. Oh we could run the shit outta this country. Huzzzah. Are you in Jen and Dylan.

Laura said...

Leauxra... I'll do you one better. I wrote in MINNIE MOUSE the year I couldn't abide by either candidate. Sadly she didn't win. I think we ended up with Geo Sr. after that. UGH. What is wrong with the world when you say Bush senior, you know the good one. Arrrggghhhh
Sorry Jen, turned your blog very political this time. Go back to hot fireman stories. The are comments are all googily... LOL ;)

Leslie said...

Awesome job! This post was the best thing I have read during this political storm where I am inundated every day on TV, Facebook, community etc by fighting, attacking, and political loyalties. I am registered independent, but I think the most important thing is for each person to educate themselves on the issues and the candidates and VOTE from the heart, not from the sway of someone else's rants. Great job, Jen! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Erica Burns said...

I was laughing so hard at that video at work yesterday everyone came over... only they didn't find it as funny might have to do with the fact that my 3 co-workers are Romanian, Chinese, and Korean, respectively and English isn't their first language (although all are fairly fluent in it)

also, speaking of weather, We have a freeze warning for tomorrow night- dipping in the 20's... ugh I'm not ready for the cold yet!

Leauxra said...

Laura: I wish that they would post a list of the write-in candidates after the election. Minnie Mouse is billiant. I used Mickey, because I almost couldn't stop myself from writing "Satan" (he would have been the better candidate, honestly), and it was the first thing that popped into my mind.

I would guess that Elvis gets at least 1% of the vote.

Jennifer Clark said...

If you don't vote, you can't bitch.

Jen said...

QOE - "Has anybody here seen my old friend Abraham? Can you tell me where he's gone? He freed a lot of people,but it seems the good they die young..."

LAURA - I think I speak for Dylan (since I do all of the time anyway) when I say, we're in! And, yes. You'll find him to be QUITE inspiring. ;-)

LESLIE - Right on, my sistah! xoxo

ERICA - 20'!?!? Where do you live?

JENNIFER C- Exactly! Put up or shut up.



Erica Burns said...

Western Massachusetts lol.. the leaves peaked last week too :( everything is early this year. Last year we got a really nasty snow storm that left many without power for over a week because the snow was wet and heavy and the trees still had leaves, so the weight broke the trees, which broke the power lines. It was quite a disaster. They cancelled halloween and we all had to go out the following week- with snow on the ground it was weird

Valerie said...

Because I love you so hard...

http://www.flyingplatypi.com/2012/10/rudimentary-trophy-for-outstanding.html

Hugs!

Valerie

Mandy said...

s-l-o-w clap

Well said, Jen! I'm a Republican for the same reasons you are and can I just say I am DEVASTATED that we don't put ol' Sparky to good use here in the Sunshine State anymore? Why DO we treat murderers better than we treat end of life patients?

Ugh.

HeatherRose said...

Soemtimes I get really, really burnt out on the god-awful bible-toting pseudo-Republicans I see on my facebook wall, and then you remind me that there are some decent ones left. I hope you and the remaining faction of Republicans-who-possess-actual-common-sense can get control of your party back from the crazy evangelical right so we can get back to debating fun things like the evils of Big Bird and stop having to debate whether or not I as a female am entitled to civil rights.

the other white meat said...

And THIS is why I need to rule America.. Seriously all the shit that's wrong with the country will be fixed once I've taken over.. I just have to wait cause... well I'm not old enough to run yet. SIGH

Anonymous said...

Holy Balls, Jen! That was awesome!! Way to tell it!

Kevin said...

Nice! I wish I had read this before this morning, I am a registered Republican but I would consider myself more independent and in the middle, leaning to the right.

I had a conversation with a gay friend of mine about who I'm voting for and he automatically assumed I was voting far right. I did like you said you do, I froze up and walked away.

Great post!

mod mom beyond indiedom said...

Oh I dunno...I think Barack sang the shit out of that Al Green song! ;)

Daniel Nest said...

Amen!

If every Republican and Democrat was a stereotype you'd only have two types of people in the US. Something tells me there's probably a tad more nuance than that...

Elsie said...

Thank you! I could have written this but not nearly as well as you did!! Awesome post.

Blondie McBaffled said...

When I first saw this post, I thought, "Oh shit, another freaking political post! Damn it." Very quickly into it, I found myself thinking how very wrong some of your comparisons were "twitchier than Michael J. Fox after a triple expresso" or "grabbing a handful of condoms out of your teenage son's wallet", and how I was going to hell for laughing so hard at them. Kudos on a GREAT post.

AccordingtoJewels said...

With any party there are sweeping generalizations. Of course not all Republican's are against gay rights and women's rights. I agree with you completely, and tell people all the time...I don't care whom you vote for, or why you do it...so long as you do it! VOTE, damn it.

Workingdan said...

This post really speaks to a lot of people! Couldn't have said it better myself!

Just the other day I was talking to my mother. I have never voted before. She told me "What right do you have to complain if you don't vote? You need to vote!"

I will be voting for the first time this year. Mother knows best!

Wily Guy said...

Sing it!

Wily Guy said...

Oh, sweet Jennie! Now that you've fixed politics and the ways we look at each other politically, ahem.

Can you fix Facebook and the billions of political ads I get to wade through every day? Perhaps forced tagging so I can ignore anything with Romney, Obama, Democrat or Republican tagged.

Then lets move on to the Electoral College. This is undeniably the biggest party school in the country. Frat boys and sorority girls who get to decide who they think we voted for... This is the 21st century, we've got the Internet, can we stop pretending we need to send a messenger on horseback to vote for us?

Thanks for this post, introducing us to President Laura and hanging at Dude Write!

W to the G

Kianwi said...

While I don't see myself ever voting Republican, I admire your stance. And I agree, no matter what party or candidate someone agrees with...they need to vote!

This was a political read that was actually non-offensive and fun. Huh, imagine that! ;)

Angie said...

I had this conversation with my ex not long ago. We always fell on opposite sides of the debate, regardless of the issue. I explained that just because he had an opinion didn't mean he had to tell me. I keep my political leanings mostly to myself and vote my conscience regardless of how he tries to change my mind. When I found out he doesn't even VOTE I refused to even hear him bitch about anything. It became easier and healthier to hang up a phone, close IM, or delete an email than hear him complain about something he made no effort to change.

I appreciate your ability to stand your ground and not be bullied by anyone. I also think it's commendable that you vote based on issues rather than party line. If more people did that we might finally see a shift in the partisanship in our government!

Michael A. Walker said...

I think the biggest problem with politics is politicians. They need to do away with Political Parties altogether. The issues are far too complex and far too gray to have everyone in a party to agree on the same thing.

Enjoyed your post! Good luck!