Monday, November 5, 2012

50 Worst Dates

I walked into Starbucks, pausing briefly to wave at Gina and Kelly at the back table, then ambled over to the counter to place my order.

Let me state for the record that I love Starbucks.  And by love I mean adore.  And by adore I mean worship.  And by worship I mean that when I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes sprinkled atop someone's Caramel Macchiato like a whisper of nutmeg.  I understand that they are a capitalist empire that charged 9/11 rescue workers for water and advocates gun ownership, and their board of directors probably like to get together on the weekends to do a few shots and club dolphins, but fuck dolphins.  Starbucks has everything in life I hold dear:  festive red holiday cups, prepackaged hummus snacks, and a consistency that floods my obsessive-compulsive heart with joy.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that wherever I am in the world, my grande soy Misto will taste exactly the same.  Every.  Damned.  Time.  I also know that no matter how many times I say, spell, and recreate my name via interpretive dance, they will get it wrong.  Every.  Damned.  Time.

"Hi!"  I smiled brightly at the barista.  "Grande soy Misto with two pumps vanilla and a pumpkin scone, please."

"Sure!"  she chirped in reply, bagging my pastry and scanning my phone.*

*I 'heart' you, Starbucks app.

"May I get your name, please?"  the barista asked, Sharpie poised over my cup.



"No, Jen."


"Just Jen."

"Oh!  Justine!"

"No, Jen.  Just.  Jen.  J-e-n."

"Oh!  OK!  Got it!"

I waited at the end of the counter until they called out "Jane!"  retrieved my coffee with a sigh, and joined my friends at their table in the back corner.

"Hey!  What's crack-i-lackin', Janey?"  Kelly greeted me with a grin.

I rolled my eyes, plunking heavily into my chair.  "It's three letters, one syllable.  AND it's the most common name on the freaking planet so why can they never get it right?"

"Maybe it's just too obvious."  Gina posited. "Like when you don't notice something you see everyday or your ears block out sounds you're used to; like if you grow up next to a train station or something."

"Or maybe my regular barista is dumber than a bag of hair,"  I concluded dryly.  "So, what'd I miss?  What were you guys talking about?"

Gina wriggled in her chair with childish glee.  "Kelly has a date tonight!"*

*For those of you unaware, my friend Kelly is going through the final stages of divorcing her pitiful excuse for a husband.

"Damn!"  I cried.  "Didn't waste any time, did you, Whore?"

Kelly flipped me off amiably.  "Bitch, please.  It's not like I'm exactly thrilled about dating again."

Gina gasped in astonishment.  "Really?  Why?  I LOVE first dates!  There's so much anticipation!  So much potential!  This could be 'The One'; your eyes will meet, you'll feel that spark..."

"Whoa!  Ease up there, Katherine Heigl."  Kelly interrupted with a raised hand.  "In my experience, dating has been a lot less '27 Dresses' and a lot more '28 Days Later'. . .except, you know. . .less zombies."

"What about that guy you told me you dated before you met Todd."  I countered.  "The skeevy drug dealer who never wore shoes and stole your VCR?"

"OK, one zombie."  Kelly conceded.  "But in my defense, I had no idea he was a drug dealer.  When he said he enjoyed cooking I didn't know he meant crystal meth.  No wonder he never made me dinner."

"Hah!"  I cried, slamming my hand on the table.  "I see your drug dealer and raise you a guy who asked if I'd come to the bathroom with him and hold a strainer under his junk while he peed because he was trying to catch a kidney stone."

Kelly snorted into her latte.  "How long had you known him?"

"First date, Baby."  I grinned, raising my Starbucks cup in mock salute.

Kelly shook her head in awe.  "Shit.  You win."   She turned to Gina dubiously.  "C'mon, Geen. You haven't had ONE bad date?  Not one night that made you question your whole stance on heterosexuality?"

Gina thought carefully for a moment.  "Well, there was one guy, I guess.  My mom fixed me up with him because she was freaked out that I wouldn't marry someone Asian."

"You didn't."  I pointed out.

Gina grinned.  "Yeah, obviously her little plan backfired.  Anyway, this guy told me he had the perfect romantic evening planned and that I should be dressed for an elegant dinner."

"So far I'm not getting the 'bad date' aspect of this yet."  I said, gazing at her dubiously.

"Patience, my friend."  Gina smirked.  "First, when the guy showed up he was so short he barely reached my shoulder.  Second, his idea of an elegant dinner was Applebee's where he proceeded to whip out three coupons and lose his shit when the manager wouldn't honor them all."

"Oh, Jesus."   Kelly muttered.

"It gets better."  Gina continued.  "After our lovely dinner he treated me to an hour of video poker at Dotty's 'Stop and Shop' and then invited me home to watch the Lifetime Movie Network."

"Well, it IS Television For Women, after all."  I laughed.

Gina flashed another Cheshire Cat grin.  "That's not even the best part.  The reason my mother thought of this particular Asian guy and knew so much about his family?  Is because it was OUR family.  He was my second cousin."

Kelly and I howled with laughter, clinking paper cups with Gina in solidarity.*

*By the way, has anyone else noticed that the Starbuck's mermaid bears an eerie resemblance to Helen Hunt?  No?  Just me?

Once the floodgates had opened, the stories poured out.  Each tale was more cringe-worthy than the last and as we  recalled every minute detail and resultant trauma of our dating woes we laughed so hard we began to get disapproving glares from the surrounding hipsters which only served to fuel our ardor. Before long it became, as things are wont to do with my hyper-competetive friends, a contest.  We all threw a five dollar bill on the table and set off to determine whose story was the most horrific.  Some of the highlights from our combined dating histories included:

  • The guy who took one of us to a bar and asked, "So, how many drinks is this gonna take?"

  • The guy who told one of us during the course of sex that he couldn't sleep over because he had to conduct the 9:00 mass at the local Catholic church.

  • One of us creating a romantic candlelit ambiance in the bedroom only to have her lover remove her panties and throw them across the room where they landed on a candle and set both the panties and her curtains on fire.

  • The 39 year old guy who told one of us, "I really want you to sleep over but I have to call my mom first and ask if she thinks it's OK.  Do you wanna talk to her?"

  • The guy who always seemed to show up with generous trinkets and gifts. . .and then called  from jail to ask for bail money after he'd been arrested for shoplifting.

"OK, before we bust into a chorus of 'Single Ladies', I think I have the winner."  I cried, wiping tears of mirth from my eyes.

"Wait!"  Gina cried.  "I need a drink first."    She took a bracing swig of her Americano and drew a long breath.  "OK, I'm ready."  she concluded.  "Carry on."

"So,"  I began.  "This guy wanted to take me on vacation.  He'd been all 'hush-hush' for weeks about it and was super-excited about our romantic adventure and honestly, I was pretty jazzed to because in the entire time we'd been together he'd never even taken me away for a weekend.  Anyway, the day of our trip arrived and he's all excited and says he's already packed for both of us and we get in his car and take off.  I'm a little surprised when we pass the turnoff for the airport and start heading east but I figure, hey!  I'll go with it.  A couple hours later we pull into our destination. . .my family's place in Central Oregon."

Kelly shook her head in confusion.  "wait. . .so he took you on vacation. . .to your own house?"

"Oh, that's just the beginning!"  I replied  "We stayed there for a couple of days then he drove us into town to this sketchy train station and announced we were taking a scenic and romantic train ride to a luxurious destination."

"Ooh!  I love it!"  cried Gina, clapping her hands with joy.  "It's so 'Orient Express'!"

"If by that you mean 'MURDER on the Orient Express', then yeah. . .you're right."  I drawled.  "So we get on this train and he's gushing about how he booked us this elegant suite and we get there and it is the size of a toilet paper tube with one chair and bunk beds with restraints all over them to keep you from careening to your death in your sleep.  He goes out and tries to argue with the train dude and train dude tells him that because he bought the tickets with some third-party, Nigerian website, triple coupon organization, the handicapped room was as close to a luxury suite as we were gonna get.  Whatever.  At that point I hadn't eaten in seven hours and I just wanted to hit the dining car and crash for the night."

"Why do I feel that wasn't in the cards?"  Kelly said, shaking her head sadly.

I smirked wryly.  "Because you know me too well, Kell.  Nothing in my life happens without an insane amount of shenanigans."  I nibbled on my scone and continued.  "So I'm heading back to our Fisher Price 'My First Train Set' sized room when all of a sudden the train screeches to a halt.  Already my sense of 'what the fuck' is on DefCon 5 so I head out on recon to see what the dealio is.  Turns out there was a massive rockslide and the train is stuck.  Like, totally, completely, ain't going anywhere stuck.  But I figured, meh!  We'll get something to eat, climb into our bunk beds like Wally and the Beav and deal with it in the morning.  Except for one minor issue. . .the train wasn't set to hook up the dining car until our next stop.  So we had no food.  None.  I didn't even have Altoids."

Gina choked on her coffee in fear.  "And it had been HOW long since you'd eaten?"  she asked in a quavering voice.*

*My friends are well aware of my ability to go from respectable member of society to Hulk, SMASH! in milliseconds when my blood sugar gets low.  Don't make me hungry. . .you wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

"Don't ask."  I cautioned Gina with a shake of my head.  "So, they leave us on this train for four more hours before coming to the conclusion that the only way out is to bus us out.  Sadly, we are in the middle of some jerk-water town in Montana and the nearest bus station is three miles away so they find some locals that look like they just came from a casting call for 'Deliverance: The Musical' to shuttle us to the bus station in groups of five.  We finally get to the station around midnight and are then told that the bus that will be taking us to Spokane doesn't leave for three more hours."

"But at least you could get something to eat at the station!"  Gina cried with her trademark sunny optimism.

I smiled at Gina and patted her hand gently.  "Oh, Honey.  You'd think that, wouldn't you?  Sadly as it was now the butt-crack of dawn everything was closed except for a half empty vending machine where we were able to procure a bag of pretzels and a Sprite.  Of course, by the time we reached the station, all of the plastic chairs bolted to the walls were occupied so we spent the next three hours sleeping. . .on the floor. . .of a Greyhound station."

"So, I have to ask."  Kelly interjected. "Where the hell was he planning on taking you if you were travelling through Spokane and Montana?"

"The ultimate plan?"  I responded with intensity.  "Glacier National Park. . .to go camping."

"WHY DO MEN KEEP TRYING TO MAKE YOU CAMP!?!?"  Kelly shrieked to the dismay of Starbucks' clientele.  "Sweet Mother Mary, that almost makes sleeping on a Greyhound floor sound preferable."

I snorted in agreement.  "Almost, but not quite."  I finally conceded.  "Anyhoo, when the bus gets there they discover that we have twenty more people than it is equipped to hold, so we -- I shit you not -- play 'pick a number between 1 and 10' to determine who gets a seat and who is standing for a four and a half hour bus trip.  Guess who chose poorly."

"Both of you?"  Gina gasped.

"Oh no!"  I said.  "The guy I was with got a seat.  He told me he would have given it to me but he had a bad back and there was no way he could stand that long.  So he dozed in his comfy seat for four hours while I stood there, holding on to the overhead strap with my tits jammed up against the back of some old man's head."

Kelly shook her head morosely.  "I would totally call bullshit on this if I didn't know you.  But considering the source, it has to be true."

"Oh, it's true, Babe."  I muttered with a roll of my eyes.  "And then this goddamned woman kept wanting to lead us all in song like we were the fucking Cub Scouts on our war to Jamboree.  I was chill for the first hour but then when she jumped up and cried out 'Let's all sing What A Friend We Have In Jesus' I lost my shit and yelled at her, 'Bitch, if one more sound comes out of your mouth you'll see What A Friend You Have With The Back Of My Hand!"

Gina gasped in shock.  "You didn't!"

"No."  I bowed my head sadly.  "I didn't.  But only because I had the blood sugar level of Lot's wife and I knew she could probably take me out."

Kelly gestured me back on task impatiently.  "So what happened next?  Did you get to Spokane?"

"We did."   I said with a nod.  "And this time we were too EARLY for there to be any food available so I asked the guy I was with if we could wander out and try to find food nearby but his back was still sore so he lay down on the benches, gave me three dollars and sent me out to wander the darkened streets of Spokane on my own."

"Wow!"  Kelly gasped.  "Three whole dollars!  Way to go, Diamond Jim!  Although, it's probably a non-issue as you'll never make to a restaurant or store before some homeless drifter loitering outside of the bus station kills you and uses your ass as a hat."

I chuckled softly.  "Nope.  Found a gas station and made it back alive to see the guy lounging on the bench eating some trail mix he'd apparently had in his bag all along."

"Oh no, he Di'INT!"  Gina cried.

"Oh yes, he Di'ID!"  I confirmed.  "Then he suggested that instead of finding a connecting train we just save the money and spend a few days 'vacationing' in Spokane."

Gina tilted her head judiciously.  "Well. . .that might not be SO bad."

Kelly stared at her in stunned silence.  "Have you ever BEEN to Spokane, Gina?"


"There's a reason for that."

I popped the last bite of scone in my mouth and chewed thoughtfully.  "Nope.  I finally broke down in tears and told him, 'I just want to go home and take a shower and eat the biggest fucking burrito I can find and never speak of this time again."

"So, how'd you get outta there?"  Kelly asked, eyes wide with interest.

I threw up my hands in exasperation.  "Scroogy McCheapopants didn't want to pay for a rental car since we'd get another free bus ride if we camped out in Dante's Inferno for another 13 hours so I marched my ass over to the courtesy phone, whipped out my 'emergency' VISA card and Budget rentals were there in ten minutes."

Gina snorted with derision.  "I hope you left that sorry son of a bitch at the bus station."

"Well. . .no."  I admitted.  "I kind of had to give him a ride back.  Otherwise things would have just been. . .awkward when we got back to Portland."

Gina choked on her Americano in shock.  "Awkward!?!?  Are you freaking kidding me!?!?  You aren't telling me you actually SAW this guy again!?!?"

"Umm, yeah."  I shrugged sheepishly.  "I kinda had to.  He was my husband.  That, my friends, is the story of my honeymoon."

Kelly and Gina stared at me in stunned silence for a moment, then Kelly slowly slid the money on the table in my direction.

"Why, thank you, milady."  I said with a queenly smile as I collected my winnings.

Gina was solemn for a moment, then looked at Kelly.  "I feel like fifteen dollars isn't enough.  How much more cash do you have?"

Kelly laughed, then gasped, her eyes wide.  "No!  I have an even better idea!"

"This can't possibly end well..."  I groaned.

"Shut up, you'll love it."  Kelly brushed me off dismissively.  "Gina and I are going to give you a real honeymoon!  You decide where you want to go, anywhere in the world and we'll go!   Fancy restaurants, cool hotel rooms, anything you want!"

I shook my head in astonishment.  "You aren't going to spend your money on me."  I said.

"You're right."  Kelly concurred.  "We're going to spend my ex husband's money on you.  Since I caught him with that 23 year old hootchie who works at R.E.I. I have bargaining chips you could not possibly fathom.  Besides, I have a kick-ass attorney."  she grinned, pointing at Gina who smirked smugly.*

*Gina may look like a cross between Lucy Lui and a teen in a Hello Kitty ad, but she is a tigress in the courtroom.

"Well,"  I said with a smile.  "there is one place I've always been dying to go. . ."

Later that morning I called Dylan in North Carolina.

"Hey!"  he greeted me warmly "I thought you were out with the girls."

"I was,"  I smiled, shivering at the sound of his voice.  "We're heading out to a movie soon, but I had to call and say 'thank you'."

Dylan was silent for a moment.  "Ummm. . .OK. . .'thank you' for what?"

"For doing everything right."  I gushed.  "For not lighting the curtains on fire, or being my second cousin, or cooking meth in your basement, or calling me for bail money. . ."

"Have you been mixing coffee and cold medication again?"  he interrupted with concern "because we talked about this."

I laughed.  "No, I just. . .well. . .hypothetical situation:  if we were on a long bus ride and there was only one seat left, who would get it?"

"Well,"  he said thoughtfully "pregnant women and the elderly first. . .oh, and anyone travelling with a child. . ."

"No!"  I cried,  "I mean, between you and me, who would get the seat?"

"You, of course."   he asserted.  "Jen, what is this about?"

"Nothing. . .everything. . ."   I trailed off.  "I just want you to know how much I appreciate you.  And I. . .I will always share my trail mix with you."

Dylan chuckled softly.  "And I will always share my trail mix with you, even if you do pick out all of the M&M's."

I laughed.  "So, guess what?"  I said with a grin.  "Gina and Kelly are sending me on a second honeymoon in December to make up for the royal clusterfuck of my first one."

"That's awesome!"  he cried.  "Where are you guys going?"

"Well,"  I began.  "It's just me, actually."

"That's great.  Where are YOU going?"  Dylan asked.

I smiled to myself for a moment before speaking.  "I hear North Carolina is beautiful that time of year."



Leauxra said...

Oh Jesus. That makes my Mortal Kombat Movie extravagaaanza sound pretty lame.

There was this one time I almost accidentally prostituted myself for sushi, but I don't know if that one counts because I didn't realize it was a date. I had apparently suffered from an aneurism before I left the house that day.

QOE said...

So on my worst first date I mentioned that I had gotten my hair cut that day and Douchenugget the Third asked me if I had gotten my money back. Needless to say it was our only date and I ditched him when I went to the restroom.

Also, Yay! for your North Carolina trip!

Jen said...

LEAUXRA - Details. I must. Have. Details.

QOE - Ooh! The restroom ditch! Well played, my dear. :)

Jaclyn said...

How about instead I tell you about the way my ex-husband asked me to marry him? It's a real winner!

Quick back story here: We met at work, and I found out a few months in that he was in the country illegally and the name I knew him as was actually not even his real name. I also found out that when we first got together, he was still dating his ex and I was apparently his side piece for a few weeks, which she was super pissed about.

Fast forward about 8 months into our relationship: We were leaving work and found I had a flat tire for the second time in 2 weeks. We went to the tire repair place, where he told me he thought his bitter ex-girlfriend was putting nails in my tires. He then told me he was worried that she might rat him out to immigration and asked if I wanted to get married or something so he could get a greencard. I said yes. In my defense, I was fucking 22 at the time.

Bam. Who just won a P-Town care package? Jaclyn just won.

Leauxra said...

I think I feel a blog post coming on. I'll write it as it is meant to be written... one painful step at a time.

Alanapaints said...

My high school prom:
Cat hairball on dress
Boyfriend's Chevy Vega engine melted on the way
No makeup; lined eyes with blue ballpoint pen.

There's a haiku in there somewhere, but I just don't have the heart to pare it all down.

Frances Gronlier said...

I met my first date at my work place (a nissan dealership). He was not at all attractive. We got to talking and he asked me out and he told me to wear something better than what I wore at work (this should have been a warning sign). Needless to say I met him at a restaurant that I don't remember. We didn't eat anything but talked and he glued to his freakin cell phone (warning number2) The biggest mistake is staying with that jackass for a few months. There are more horror stories with this crooked dick diggler I subjected myself to if yoou're curious.

Audra said...

This guy at a car rental place had been bugging me for MONTHS about going out. I finally agreed and we met at a little pizza place downtown. Conversation was awkward at best and when we got to ordering, he couldn't figure out if the pizza's were family sized or individual sized (although the menu was clear as to which were which) He finally got SO EXASPERATED at the menu that he said he wasn't really that hungry and told me to order what I wanted. I got a beer and a pizza and he got 4 beers. When the check came, the waitress looked at him and he looked at me and said, "Oh, you thought this was a date? I didn't even eat anything." So I paid for everything and NEVER SPOKE TO THAT MAN AGAIN.

Stacey said...

OK - I'm in.

Two years into my infamous liberal college radio stint I agree to go out with the station manager (any I suppose by extension my "boss") at the time.

As I was cruising for a better time slot I thought I knew what I was doing. Wrong.

The weekend (ugh) starts with an invitation to his usual weekend Dungeons and Dragon game. (yes - there are many paragraphs I should and could write about this but I'm at work dammit and there is only so much time)

The real trouble started after I agreed to travel with him to his parents house later that weekend to do laundry. Why? you ask... because I am a cheap ass and figured I could save myself a shit ton of quarters and a bunch on laundry detergent.

So.. we drive about an hour away to what appears to be a very average Midwestern house in an average Midwestern town in a very vanilla suburb of Columbus, Ohio.
The parents seem nice enough and I think all of this is really going to work to my benefit until...

It's only after we start carrying the laundry down to the basement that I see photos on the wall of..
wait for it...
His family, and him in KKK outfits.
I am not talking Halloween here.

Turns out I had ended up doing laundry at the home of one of the former Grand Dragons of the Ku Klux Klan.

Stranded and without a car I spent the next 6 hours (while the laundry washed and dryed) awkwardly listening and arguing with them...

Suffice it to say it was a quiet ride home and I never got the damn time slot I wanted. I did however steal his job from him about 6 months later.

Jennifer Clark said...

Wow. I got nuthin' that bad. The worst that's ever happened to me was being throw to the floor in my own apartment and groped on the first (and last) date. And when I wouldn't got out with him again, he said, "I guess I shouldn't have groped you, huh?"

mistyslaws said...

Junior Prom:

My date was a guy from a neighboring High School who was also having their prom that night. He had been expelled from that school (and 3 others in the area), so was not allowed to go. We went out as a group with some of my friends to a restaurant, and since I asked HIM to MY prom, I had to pay for our dinner. Then, after dinner, he didn't want to go to the prom right away, and instead we went to a parking lot of Hardee's (think Wendy's/BK) to hang out with some of his friends from HIS school. I was bored to death sitting in the car while he chatted and generally acted like a bafoon, and just wanted to go to my prom. When we got to the prom, he didn't want to go in at first, so we sat in the car for like an hour. He smoked pot. We then went inside and he didn't want to dance or DO anything. After all that fun, we went to an afterparty at a friend of a friend's house, where he helpfully stashed a couple 6-packs of beer at the side of the house and would keep going out to drink and get wasted, leaving me inside to sit and wait for him. Eventually, the parents discovered him and the beer, and told him he had to leave. So he did. Without me. So, I was sitting there, dateless, amongst other happy teens having fun with their dates. Eventually, my friend and her date felt sorry for me and drove me all the way home, where I knocked and knocked and knocked on my locked and darkened house, finally waking my parents at 1:00 am, because I didn't have my key and was not expected to return home until the next morning. And then I sat in my room in my dress and cried. The End.

Maggi Shelbourn said...

Another High School Prom story...the fellow that asked me to the prom DITCHED me at the prom so he could LEAVE the prom with to SCREW the 11th grade English teacher that was supposed to be a chaperone at the event. Word.

Jen said...

JACLYN - Illegal immigrants AND psycho ex-girlfriends? We may have our champion here, my friends.

ALANA - I used to do the Sharpie cat eyeliner routine. . .until I got hideously inflamed eyelids and one side of my face started drooping like I had Wernecke-Korsakov Syndrome.

FRANCES - The cell phone alone is enough to earn him a roundhouse kick to the kidneys.

AUDRA - Jesus, that was magical. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

STACEY - AAAAGH!!! No freaking way!!! I seriously now have both the heebies AND the jeebies. But on a side note, I'm sure they had great laundering tips on how to keep your sheets clean and white. ;)

JENNIFER - Attempted rape? Umm, yeah, I think that qualifies as a shitty date.

mistyslaws said...

Oh, and I forgot to add:

YAY FOR NC!!! Come on ovah to the Eastsahd, ho! ;)

Jennielynn said...

Sharing the name and preferring Jen, I feel your pain. If I spell those three letters out and you still get it wrong, it is my evolutionary imperative to remove you from the gene pool.

Also, I fucking LOVE bad date stories, so this post is an absolute gift. I have a million. Which one...which one?

Well, there was the guy who told me I was a "good girl" because I only ate half my burrito, then asked for a box because he wanted to take it home for next days lunch, then "forgot" his card, so I paid for movie tickets.

Or the guy who told me he wanted me to come to a party (on my 21st birthday - which he knew) but it was just a VHS viewing of U2's Rattle & Hum, no food, no liquor. I actually married that asshole, because terminal stupidity is a side effect of being in your 20s. Two years later, he took a co-worker out on her 21st birthday, got her drunk and had sex with her.

No, the best was the fidiot who took me to a graveyard for a picnic. Not a cool, historic one. Some lame, modern corpse pit bordered by a highway. Did I mention he asked me to make the picnic? And had his friend, the limo driver, chauffeur us in a hideous purple limo? Then got mad at me because I assumed he'd pack the blanket and he was sure that was included in the lunch? Fuckin' emo shithead. That stuff may play in high school, but it loses it's charm after 25.

Fyre said...

My nightmare date story started with me breaking one of my own cardinal rules: don’t date coworkers (I was 21…what can I say?). After weeks of Mr. Charming pursuing me, flirting with me, bringing me flowers, I finally caved and agreed to go on a date with him.

I should have clued in to the fact that the night would end well when he picked me up. Instead of heading out to the restaurant right away, he spent 10 or so minutes trying to convince me we should just “stay in and get to know one another” while leering suggestively. I finally convinced him that carnal knowledge was not on the night’s menu and we headed out.

Once in the car, he admitted to not having picked a place for dinner, as he “didn’t think we would really be going out”. After long minutes of discussion about how inviting a woman out to dinner usually does include actually partaking of dinner (during which he kept taking hits from a flask that he called “appetizers”), we decided on a nearby sushi place that I frequented.

After we were seated and looking over the menu, he actually said, “is this some kind of Jap food?” (direct quote ~ not meaning to offend anyone!!). Apparently, he was not only ignorant as to what sushi was, but was also a racist/bigot. Wheeeeee…the things we find out too late. The idiotic comments kept coming all through dinner until the check got there…which he, at least split with me, as opposed to making me pay the whole thing.

For some bizarre reason, I then agreed to continue the date and go to a club with him. I’m not sure if I was wanting to find out just how bad of a date it could be or if my agreeing to continue the date was due solely to my lack of self-esteem/self-worth. We ended up a popular “meat market” club…the kind where you really should don a body condom before entering and then have the CDC sanitize you on your way out.

Approximately mid-way through our first drink, a very angry woman carrying an infant (don’t ask me how she got the kid past the bouncers) stormed up to our table screaming and cursing. Yes, that’s right: enter Ms. Baby Momma. And, not only was that his child, it turned out Ms. Baby Momma and the douche monkey were living together. She, of course, was blaming everything on me and wanted to fight over the asshat. I’m not sure how, but I managed to convince her that I had no idea: a) they were living together; b) they had a child. While she continue screaming at him, I slunk off to the bathroom to hide out the rest of her verbal tirade.

When I got back, the jerk had vanished (thankfully). I headed to the coat check to retrieve my coat, but no attendant was there. Wanting to get out of the club as quickly as possible, I went through the door to try and find my coat myself. Instead, I found my date banging the coat check attendant, who was apparently another woman he was dating. Luckily, I was able to grab my coat and make a quiet escape via cab. Thankfully, I didn’t have to face him very long at work, as two days later he was fired for stealing.

Jen said...

MISTY - You didn't miss anything, babe. Prom is as overrated as the iPhone5 and 'Avatar'.

MAGGI - Just threw up in my mouth a little at that Mary Kay LaTourneau anecdote. ((shudder))

Charcoal Renderings said...

North Carolina IS beautiful this time of year--all of the tree-covered mountains are ablaze with fall colors. Even though all the leaves will have fallen by December, it's still a lovely place to be. So excited for you, please post pictures.

My worst date experience ever was this: Back in high school, I'd been dating this guy for a few months, for the second time actually, as I'd been head over heels in love with him for a few years at this point. (The fact that he kept dating me and breaking up with me during those years didn't click as a red flag in my brain, apparently.)

So it's a Friday night, we had plans for dinner and a movie, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm at home getting all dressed up, feeling fabulous, and he shows up at the house early. I'm thinking, oh what a nice surprise! And he brings in this CD and plays this new song he's discovered on my family's stereo system, and the song is beautiful but kind of sad, and I'm starting to get suspicious because he's acting funny, and he ends up turning the volume up so loud he blows the speaker and effectively breaks the stereo system. Then, when I say I'm ready to go to dinner, he says, "I think we need to talk," and I give him this LOOK, like, are you effing kidding me?? So we go take a walk outside, and end up at the middle school we used to go to (the middle and high schools were right next to my neighborhood), and in the bus lane of my thirteen-year old self's hell, he proceeds to break up with me for the second time. His reasons included: "when we weren't actually together, I would take myself mentally out of the relationship. You know, we'd go on a date and make out and stuff and then I'd go home, and it would be like, I was single;" and "I just feel like we do better as only really good friends;" and "You know, I really just feel that God, that Jesus, is telling me I need to do this right now, that we need to break up. Spiritually, I think I'm falling, and I think the only way to get back to where I need to be is to do it without you."

Luckily at this point, I was so over this assface's arrogance that I held my own and called him out on all his shit, ESPECIALLY on using THE LORD as a reason to break up with me. And I never dated him again. Learned that lesson real good.

HeatherRose said...

My date to junior prom turned out to be gay, so I asked my cousin to set me up on a date for senior year homecoming, since I didn't much trust my own judgement at that point.

My mystery date showed up in a purple 2 door honda civic, with 3 other friends who made me climb in the back in my dress. We went to a cheap Chinese restaurant for dinner, where he prompty spilled wonton soup all over me (at least he paid? Though I did have to calculate the tip for him.), and then we finally got to the dance, where he attempted to put HIS head on MY shoulder during the first dance and got face-grease from his extreme acne all over my shoulder. To this day I'm vaguely terrified of wonton soup.

Jen said...

JENNIELYNN - "Goooooood girl..." (stroking your hair) "That's a good girl to not eat your fooooood..." Oh, and by the way, A FUCKING CEMETARY!?!? Wha. . .wha-what!?!?

FYRE - ((S-l-o-w c-l-a-p)) There are no words. . .I am in awe. Please tell me this happened in P-Town so I can picture you at Saburo Sushi and the Barracuda Lounge.

Jen said...

CHARCOAL - He seriously threw the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost under the bus to cover his sorry ass? Dick move...

HEATHER - You are right to fear wonton soup. That shit be nasty, yo.

Winopants said...

Oh there's no way I can even top these- I've always gone from hanging out to relationship, and skipped the terror of dating. But my first relationship was with a compulsive liar and former car thief, so that was 6 long months of crazy.
The honeymoon story, my god, you need to find a way to pitch that as a movie idea. I was trapped on a cross-country train once that ran out of food, I felt like I was going to pass out by the time I finally got outta there. Anyways, I woulda snapped if someone was withholding trail mix from me the whole time

Danna said...

We had known each other for a while but were not dating. We were out for dinner and drinks and met up with some friends. We had plans to be somewhere the next morning together - it was work related for me, so I had planned on spending the night at his place. I left my things (car keys) there before we went out for the evening.

Sometime during the evening he disappears. I can't find him, but get a ride to his place and I know he is there. My keys are locked in his apartment and he will not acknowledge me. I climb up the fire escape to bang on his back door and he finally lets me in. My friend is chained to his sofa bed. He asked - genuinely - if I was ready to go to bed.

I later found out he lied about his age by 15 years and had herpes.

Mandy said...

Uh. My dating history is seriously limited, so I'm out of the P-town package giveaway (that sounded slightly more lewd once I typed it out) Anywho. I just wanted to chime in and say the Starbucks mermaid TOTALLY looks like Helen Hunt. I know this because I just pulled my empty salted caramel mocha cup (that I, too, bought with my Starbucks app) out of the trash to verify your observation.

Mandy said...

And YAY for friends who send you to see yo' man! Love them! :)

Fyre said...

As much as I would like to oblige, that lovely date took place when I lived in Sacramento. But, as a consolation prize, the club was called the "Yucatan Liquor Stand" and billed itself as "Sacramento's Favorite Wet Spot". Does that make up for it not being in P-town?

Jen said...

WINO - I think they already made the movie of my honeymoon. It was called "Sleeping With The Enemy". Oh no, wait! That was the movie about my marriage.

DANNA - Was she willingly chained or was this a serial killer thing? Because...awkward...

PS: Herp for the win!

MANDY - My friends are amazing. I love them so damned hard.

FYRE - The wet spot? Yeah, you're right. That totally makes up for it not being in Portland. :)

Erica Burns said...

I got one! I mean I dont' think it's as good as yours or some of these others, but I have one!

When my husband and I were dating back in college- (so this was back in 2000/2001) he had an '85 Dodge Omni Hatchback for a car. Whenever we took it for a drive somewhere the engine would smoke- but it wasn't overheating... So we told his grandfather -who did all the family car repairs because he had been a mechanic, and we also told it to his mom who is also fairly handy with mechanical things. we told them we thought it was an oil leak, and neither one was in anyway concerned about it. Anywho, one day we went for a drive up a local mountain (which by many standards is quite small for a mountain) and when we got to the top we noticed the engine smoking.... quite a lot- and more so than "normal". when we pulled into a parking space we popped open the hood and there were FLAMES! I was freaking out and starting pulling our things out of the car and throwing them a "safe" distance away in case the car blew up. Some other college kids were up there too and came to our aid by dousing the flames with a jug of water... thankfully the fire went out, no one got burned and the car remained in one piece.

And so we called his mom to tell her we needed a rescue from Mt. Sugarloaf because the car caught fire on the ride up, but don't worry we're okay, only we dont' want to drive the car.

Grandpa rescued us and when we got back, his mom yelled at us, "why the f**k would you drive up Mt. sugarloaf when you KNEW you had an oil leak and the engine would smoke?!" our reply was somewhere along the lines of, "you told us is wasn't an oil leak and that it was fine. We didn't think the car would CATCH FIRE"


(remember how my son wanted to go as Dr. Who for halloween? there are pictures on my blog)

Anonymous said...

It was April Fools Day. I drove from Salem to P-town to suprise my boyfriend with a hand-painted sign that read "just call me butt-lips" taped to the passenger side of his vw bug. He drove around at lunchtime, unaware why people were laughing uncontrollably at him. When he noticed the sign, he immediately ran into his bosses office, accusing him of the crime. His boss didn't do it. He didn't belive him. I confessed to said crime & he broke up with me. No sense of humor!

Antonella Toledo said...

Hi Jen, never talked to you before, I finally manned up ;)
So, there was this guy and we were friends, so this one day he asks me out and says its gonna be awesome, that we'll go to watch a movie and then hed buy ice cream or something like that. After and hour of waiting for him outside the cinema, he showed up with. this. ex. Not only did he NOT buy me an ice cream (it was really the least he could do), but the one I bought with my fucking money ended up on the floor because he was to busy playing with his ex's hair.

Jen said...

ERICA - Can't find the picture. Where is it on the blog?

ANONYMOUS - Any guy who doesn't laugh at "butt lips" can go pound sand. Boo, loser!

ANTONELLA - So, your date...brought a date? I would have shoved the ice cream in his stupid face.

Gia said...

Hahhahah wow! You definitely win "worst honeymoon ever" award! Nice twist. I did not see that coming. Oof.

Laura said...

WOW. Just Wow. I am

a)stunned to say this is a plus... I've been married for 24 years and uh... wow dating has really declined in the years I've been off the market

b) I am EVER SO GLAD I was fat and ugly in high school and missed prom all together.

c) I did have a 20 y/o experience with a guy that drove me two hours in LA traffic to the beach, proceeded to get drunk on cheap wine and pick a fight. In my "youth" I figured the "we need to just be friends speech" would be a good idea. yah. No. Not when you are two hours away from home, no idea where you are and have no way to get back other than the dipshit you arrived with. He decided to get more drunk and drive 120 miles per hour up the 1-10 in LA weaving in and out of traffic. I am certain of two things, the lord said it was not my time and I pissed my pants. The car stopped in front of my house and I got out he rolled down the window and said I'll call you. I finally found my inner "me" and said uh no how about you go Fuck yourself. He harassed me for a few more weeks, I told my dad about it. He was friends with several California Highway Patrolmen. One night it was determined that my "date" didn't have correct papers on him to be in the country. Never saw him again. Love playing the daddy card.

SQUEEE I am so excited for you and Dylan. NC In December YaHoozah!

Robyn said...

A newish reader to your blog and never commented, but this was just too funny to not comment to! I didn't know there were so many people with horrid first dates and bad decisions.

Well,there was this one time, I met this dude on from a chat room.

Back when chat rooms were the coolest places ever,of course.

I lived in Ohio and he lived in Georgia, so I flew down to meet him. He picked me up at the airport in a beat up old Ford Escort, and, I shit you not, the muffler fell off on the way back to the cabin I rented for myself. So, I figure, not everyone can afford a nice car, it's not a big deal, at least he was nice! He took me out to Pizza Hut. Then, he took me over to meet his ex-wife and his son. Where he proceeded to kiss his ex-wife goodbye like it was some dammed messed up porno. With her new husband looking on as well.

Then, he had to put his car in the shop the next day, because a hole had rusted out his gas tank. All this while, he thought he was going to stay in my cabin, and what did I go and do? Let him. What the frig was wrong with me.

Not only that, I moved to Georgia at 21 and married him 2 years later. Two years after that, he died of a massive heart attack.

That was over 9 years ago, I've been happily remarried for almost 9years with two sons. Yes, you read that right. I met someone else 3 months after he died, and married the new guy I met 6 months after my first husband's death. Only cuz my first husband ended up being a douchenozzle and I hated him by the time he died and was in the process of filing for divorce.

Ahh..stupid things from the past can sometimes make you feel good about who you are now...

materix01 said...

As a 22 year old male, I've always felt quite out of place in terms of the target demograph, but oh well, your blog is too awesome to stop me reading and commenting.

I don't think any of my stories would ever come close to beating yours or that KKK one. Women just need to screw up a lot to make a date horrible. At least compared to guys. First story isn't exactly a date story.

Had bumped into a female acquaintance from highschool at a shopping centre. After her telling me she had no ride to the school musical on that night(her Mum had something come up), I offered to give her a lift since I had tickets for it as well. She wanted to freshen up beforehand and asked if it was ok to use the bathroom. I figured she was just going to do some makeup but she ended up showering without asking me at all. I was alittle annoyed but I proceeded to drive her to school anyway as soon as she was ready. As soon as we got in the car, out of the blue she grabs me and tries taking off my shirt with one hand and undoing my zip with another. This is us barely knowing each other and her knowing I'm a conservative Christian as we've attended the same scripture class in highschool.

2nd story is the first date with my current gf. Got set up by mutual friends and turns out we knew each other in highschool although we never talked. She proceeds to finish her Chicken main, the entree and half of my main because I was actually full. This skinny Asian girl has an appetite. Then proceeds to order a dessert for two and finish it mostly herself. After I pay, she heads out and remarks we should go somewhere else for dessert. This shocked me as I thought we already had dessert but apparently that doesn't count. She picks a chocolate dessert speciality cafe and proceeds to finish another 2 person dessert by herself. At this point I was just floored by how she could eat that much. Highlights of the night included her indepth explanation of her inserting various 'male catheters" on patients this week, how she can't stand penises and how she strongly dislikes cats and puppies but is ok with ducks when I'm a huge animal person.I love her to bits but I know if I wasn't so curious on how she could eat some much, we wouldn't be together today haha. Thinking of proposing to this women next year when I graduate so wish me luck xD

Jen said...

GIA- you lucked out with Boyfriend, my dear. :)

LAURA - Man done you wrong and you had him deported? Oh sweet Jesus, I love you and your Daddy! :)

Jen said...

ROBYN - I wish to God my ex had died...or would still die, considering hes too cheap to amend his will and his life insurance and I'm still the sole beneficiary. :)

MATERIX- A girl who isn't embarrassed to talk about catheterization AND loves to eat? She is like my long-lost daughter; marry this girl at once! :)

Von said...

I am absolutely flabbergasted at some of these stories. Good god, far freaking out, what the bloody hell, and other exclamations of astonishment; I never realised I'd dated such polite normal men until now. Best of luck on choosing a winner, Jen. *snort*

Kelly said...

My worst first date was the first date that wasn't... seeing as though he got picked up for speeding on the way to get me, and then with his FOUR outstanding warrants, he got to take a mini-vay to the gray bar hotel. He did use his only phone call to call ask for bail...

Jennifer Clark said...

Hey, Jen!

Don't forget to spill on all the details of your second honeymoon! All of us readers on the InterTubes are rooting for you and Dylan and we want juicy details, girlie!

Monika said...

Sweet baby Jesus. These stories are absolutely hideous. Though the stories that you related of your friends in Starbucks had me just about doubled over in laughter. I think you and I were married to the same man, Jen. Sounds EXACTLY like something my ex would do since I paid for the whole damn wedding and the honeymoon. In Leavenworth, WA. Cause he couldn't leave the state.

My worst date has to be prom. Though it comes nowhere close to any of these stories. I was a junior and in my high school prom was for seniors only unless you'd been asked to attend by a senior. I went with my "date" as a favor to one of my girlfriends. Her boyfriend was this dude's friend and they thought it'd be fun to do a double-date. The guy was at LEAST an inch shorter than me (and I'm 5'3", so I'm not exactly tall. He showed up at my house to pick me up in his old beater saying the limo would pick us up at his house. It was like 2pm in the afternoon at that point. My sister laughed at him to me in the bedroom cause she thought he was so funny-looking. We went to his house where his mom proceeded to take MANY pictures of us in front of their fireplace. The limo arrived, and we went up to Snoqualmie Falls. Romantic destination, right? Except I BARELY knew the guy. Conversation was at best awkward. We hung out for a while at the Falls and then headed into downtown Kirkland (you might be familiar, Jen) to go to Anthony's Homeport Restaurant for dinner. Supposedly we were supposed to meet my friend and her boyfriend there for dinner since her boyfriend had flaked on his half of the limo cost. But of course he never showed. Dude ordered the same thing as me because I'd been there before and knew what I wanted. He actually paid for dinner (but of course he didn't open a single door for me all night - I actually opened doors for him), but then proceeded to take my leftovers home with him at the end of the night. We get to the prom, and he expects me to dance EVERY DAMN slow dance with him like we're some sort of couple. The most fun I had all evening was flirting with the limo driver and laughing at my date trying to do the electric slide (gimme a break - it was '92). He'd taken his suit jacket off because it was so damn hot in the club the school had rented (some upper story club with no ventilation - couldn't tell you the name) and he wouldn't put it back on for the pictures I PAID FOR. Of course he's grimacing in one of the best pictures of me because he's extremely ticklish and the photog had me put a hand on his waist. I barely wanted to touch the dude at that point. The dance ended with some country ballad that he'd requested and proceeded to sing...OFF my ear as we're slow dancing (I'm a musician. Being on key is kinda important to me).

My parents had extended my curfew but I just wanted to go home. Fortunately he didn't try to kiss me. I would've slapped him had he tried. Never spoke to him or the girlfriend that I was supposed to be on a double date with ever again.

Jen said...

KELLY - I'm truly disturbed by how many of us had dating stories that ended in arrest.

VON - Holy shit, I may just need to pick a name out of a hat. . .these are priceless.

JENNIFER C - You'll get the PG rated details. The rest are on a need to know basis.

MONIKA - I've been to Anthony's in Kirkland! Wound up there when our car ran out of gas one time...wicked good cheeseburgers. :)

Laura said...


my daddy was a patient man... unless it came to someone messing with his baby girl. Then not so much. and his cop friends... even less amused. LOL

I too need juicy - if only PG rated - details. Hello to Dylan! ;~)

Nat said...

Considering how many shitty dates I've been on, I have surprisingly few shitty date stories.

Though, of course, there was that one time... The one where I accidentally led a guy to believe that I was into, uhm, feces. In bed, you know. With a partner. And his face lit up like someone had just told him Santa was real and I felt so bad I didn't correct him. That was kind of a shitty date.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

I once acquired a ring with a toe hair on it. I knew it was a toe hair because it came out of a man's shoe and the man was not wearing socks. The ring was meant to be an engagement ring (unlike the previous one that he had given me that was made out of a hunk of gold made for Mr. T with an elk tooth embedded in it.) Carrying the ring in his sockless shoe was meant to be creative and romantic. I thought it was gross. I gave both rings back.

Erica Burns said...

Jen- here is a link to the post for you.

Brett Minor said...

I don't know if this would really be a date, but close enough.

When I was 20, I worked the midnight shift at a gas station. There was a waitress that worked at the restaurant next door that would drop by after her shift each night to get a soda or microwave burrito. Being a regular, we would often talk. Some nights she would stick around 10 minutes. Other nights she would stay for hours. Business was slow and she was fun to talk to, so I didn't mind the company.

After a few months, she asked if I wanted a to catch a movie sometime. I agreed.

The next day, she saw me in town and followed me back to my house. She caught me off guard when she pulled in the driveway behind me.

Now she seemed like a different person and acted strange. Plus, I couldn't get her to leave. She stayed for hours. After that, she started randomly showing up at my house everyday. She would show up when I was hanging out with my friends. She discovered my favorite bar and restaurants I would frequent. She showed up everywhere I went. Once, she was sitting on the foot of my bed when I woke up!

This girl had me scared, but I could not get rid of her. Even when I started being mean and my friends started treating her like crap, she seemed not to notice.

When my brother dropped by my house to drop something off and she answered the door in her underwear (I was at work at had no idea she was at my house), it was the last straw.

I talked one of my girl friends into making out on the couch with me the next time the psycho dropped by. It worked. She flipped out and told me we were through.

Since we had never even gone on that first date, I can't say I was very heartbroken.

Erica Burns said...

Brett- omg... that's creepy lol

"Jamie" said...

Okay--so I know the contest is over, but I had to share this one. I was once went out with a complete and total douche-nozzle, whom I'd been friends with for awhile. So our first actual date was when he stopped by the laundromat where I was, well, doing my laundry. He asked if I wanted to go out, and stupid me I said sure. I asked him when, and he said right now. So I left my laundry with my best friend (I know, I know I was a horrible friend back then). I was just so excited that he wanted to take me out. Where did we go? WALMART. I thought it was just a quick stop--an errand of some sort. Nope. He took me to the McDonalds in WalMart. After "dinner", he took me to the electronics section to "watch a movie", then he wanted to go play with all the toys. I honestly thought he was kidding, but he was dead serious. What did I end up doing? Dating him.

My best friend (who you should ALWAYS LISTEN TO) told me he was a douche, but I was so in love with him and his bullshit. We dated three, yes count them THREE times. Each time he'd broken up with me because "we're better as friends" and the final time, in the midst of wedding planning, he pulled into my driveway and announced that he didn't love me and he never really did. He failed to mention he was fucking my old roommate.

Jen said...

LAURA - I cannot wait to see him again. Skype is a sad-ass replacement for the real thing.

NAT - That just made me throw up in my mouth a little, no lie. ((urp!))

JOHI - At least it was a toe hair and not one of the more...pelvic variety.

ERICA - That costume is ADORKABLE!!! So. Much. Love. :)

BRETT - Jesus, she's like a Twilight vampire! Stalking = restraining order, yo.

Meg said...

#1 - My name is Meg, which is also just three letters but translates to Maggie in Starbucks. Every time, except that time when I spelled it slowly and the girl wrote "Eve". I have no idea how that happened.

#2 - I'm trapped in North Carolina right now because while I was visiting a really great guy (who wants to live here for some godforsaken reason) my proper home in Brooklyn was hit by a storm. NC uses every trick to suck you in!