Monday, November 12, 2012

The Day I Cheated on Jeremy Renner

"Are you sure this is what you want to see?"  Kelly asked skeptically as we neared the box office window.  "I'm not really a James Bond fan."

I shrugged casually.  "Neither am I.  I am; however, a big fan of Daniel Craig's chest, soooo..."

Kelly shot me a withering glare.  "Wow.  First you leave Nathan Fillion for Jeremy Renner, now you're kicking Jeremy to the curb for Daniel Craig?  Boo, you whore."

"I'm allowed to love all three of them!"  I explained  "Jeremy pretty much looks like the lovechild of Daniel Craig and Nathan Fillion so it's basically like loving the same person!"

I rest my case.

Kelly shook her head in silent bemusement as we paid for our tickets and entered the cavernous theater.  "Do we at least know what the plot is?  she asked.

I snorted with derision.  "Kell, it's James BOND.  Basically he drinks immense amounts of alcohol, has sex with innumerable women and blows shit up."

Kelly rolled her eyes.  "You just described my ex husband.  Trust me, if I wanted to see that I could have saved the $8.50."

"C'mon, Gene Shallit."  I told her.  "I'll buy you some popcorn."

We stood in the neverending line at the concessions stand until finally a freckle-faced boy with a nametag reading 'ZACK' announced he was opening a second register.  We began to move toward him when suddenly a gaggle of tweens ran from the back of the line and bolted past us.

"Oh HELL no!"  Kelly shouted indignantly.  "I did NOT wait in this line for ten minutes to have the cast of 'Saved By The Bell' come barreling through like the INS at a Taco Del Mar.   They need to get their little punk asses back where they belong!"

"Damn."  I eyed Kelly cautiously and stepped away to avoid touching the crazy.  "You need to lighten up, Freakshow."

She stared at me uncomprehendingly.  "Six months ago you would have lost your shit too."  she stated with awe "Love has made you soft, yo."

I grinned smugly.  "Fear not, mi hombre.  I'm every bit as jacked up as I've ever been; this..."  I gestured toward the babbling throng of tweens cramming Jujubes into their blathering cakeholes "...THIS just isn't the hill I want to die on."

Kelly snorted with displeasure.  "OK, fine.  But if these douchenozzles are sitting in our theater then I reserve the right to go all 'Dark Knight Rises' on their asses."

"Duly noted."

We approached the counter and I ordered a popcorn and two Diet Cokes.  Zack filled our soda cups with great care and scooped popcorn into the tub before passing it over ceremoniously to a young woman who anointed it liberally with butter.

"Do they really need a separate person just to squirt the butter on the popcorn?"  I asked Kelly.  "Is there some kind of high level security clearance required to operate the pump?"

"Maybe it came up in his performance review."  She replied.  "'You know, Zack's got a steady hand with the corn.  He's good...he's REAL good...I just don't think he's ready for the Big Show yet'." Kelly intoned, replete with jazz hands.  I muffled my laughter as I slid my debit card over to Zack.

"Fifteen dollars!?!?"  Kelly cried.  "Are you freaking KIDDING me!?!?  How can one popcorn and two sodas be fifteen dollars!?!?"

"When was the last time you went to a movie?"  I queried.  "Besides, you get your money's worth."  I raised my soda cup.  "Look at the size of this thing.  Ted Kennedy could drive a '67 Oldsmobile into that bad boy."

Shaking her head silently, Kelly led us into the darkened theater and we settled in to watch two hours of 007 finding myriad obscure reasons to remove his shirt.

Plot?  What is this 'plot' of which you speak?

"How is it possible for Daniel Craig to have THAT body at 44 and my 37 year old ex-husband looks like Avril LaVigne in a T-shirt? "  Kelly hissed, elbowing me in the ribs for emphasis.  " I call bullshit."

I shrugged thoughtfully in reply.  "I dunno.  Dylan looks pretty good for 41."

"Pretty good!?!? "  Kelly cried, earning her the stink eye from an elderly woman in front of us.  "Oh, lighten up, Betty White."  Kelly muttered before whispering in my ear.  "You think Dylan looks 'pretty good'?  Damn, Girl; I've seen that man without a shirt.  If you hadn't already bagged him I'd be tappin' that tree for some sweet maple syrup."

I stared at Kelly in abject horror.  "OK, euw. . .just. . .euw! Can you at least give me the illusion that you haven't been fantasizing about nailing my boyfriend?"

"I'm just saying; that man's biceps are.  .  ."

"Every time you say slutty things about Dylan an angel gets its wings ripped off!"  I hissed into Kelly's ear.  "Do you want that on your permanent record when the Baby Jesus comes back, you Whore?"

"Fine.  Fine."  she whispered, waving her hand dismissively.  We watched in silence for a few more moments until Daniel Craig found yet another reason to suspend reality and gratuitously lose his shirt.

"Hmmm,"  I mused quietly.  "On second thought, you may be on to something.  That man's shoulders have got to be digitally enhanced."

I'm sorry. . .what was I talking about?

"So,"  Kelly mumbled under her breath "if they can digitally enhance dinosaurs into 'Jurassic Park' and six-pack abs onto Daniel Craig, why haven't they figured out how to digitally enhance an expression on Kristen Stewart's face?"

I snorted unattractively into my popcorn.  "Do not harsh my Bond zen by mentioning She Who Shall Not Be Named.   Just concentrate on Daniel Craig and the requisite hot chick."  I gestured toward the screen where Daniel was giving the Bond Girl de jour a government issued hot beef injection before she went off to die accordingly.*

*Pfft!  Please.  Like you NEEDED a spoiler alert?  Name any Bond movie where the chick getting banged by 007 DOESN'T wind up taking a dirt nap.  Except, maybe 'The World Is Not Enough' but I refuse to acknowledge any Bond film that casts Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.   Fail.

When the movie was over, we wandered back to Kelly's car, tossing our empty soda cups in the trash.

"That was amazing."  Kelly stated with fervor.  "I just spent nine bucks on a movie and I don't think I could tell you the plot if held at gunpoint."

"Hardly the point though, right?"  I replied smugly.  "It's all about the eye candy, my friend."

Kelly shook her head in wonder as she fastened her seatbelt.  "The last movie that got me that hot and bothered had more 'X's' than Stevie Wonders bowling scoresheet.  There wasn't even any full frontal in this one!"

"Welcome to middle age."  I told her with a reassuring smile.  "You have just experienced the equivalent of housewife porn."

Kelly nodded sagely.  "It's all downhill from her, isn't it?"

"Maybe,"  I stated, propping my feet on the dashboard.  "but if you hang with the right people, it can be one hell of a ride."



Erica Burns said...

soo... you cheated on Jeremy with one of his Dads?? and surprisingly there was no cradle robbing

Leauxra said...

I have been trying to convince Boyfriend that we need to see this, but not only am I the only one in this relationships who likes violent unbelievable action movies, but it MIGHT not be the nicest thing in the world to take Boyfriend to see the Fabulous Eye Candy Chest Man.

Damn it. I am going to have to wait for DVD or go on my own.

Jennifer Clark said...

Daniel Craig really is tasty, isn't he? I though he was a fabulous Bond in "Casino Royale". But since I only get one movie a year, I think I'm gonna need to make it "Lincoln". Going for art over hot men.... Man, when did I get old?!?

Jen said...

ERICA- Now it just sounds...wrong.

LEAUXRA - See it! It is classic Bond with a healthy nod to the old-school movies. Much love.

JENNIFER - I don't know if I can see 'Lincoln'. I have unresolved issues with Sally Field.

AC said...

Holy crap. I was avoiding this movie, because I am not a Bond fan, either, but now I'm pretty sure I need to go... maybe RIGHT NOW. Work? Nah. Daniel Craig, MEEEE-OOWWW!

Anonymous said...

Oh no, I might have to go see this movie now. How do I convince my boyfriend to come up with the idea? If I say something he will be immediately suspicious:P

TheChickIsRight said...

I have always been a big Bond fan... Grew up with the Roger Moore James Bond, but have always had a special place in my heart for the Sean Connery James Bond...

I must admit, however, that Daniel Craig makes a close sexond - erm, second - with his ab-aliciousness and pretty shoulders... *dreamysigh*

Don't go to the movies often - but will definitely make it to the theater for this one! :-)

Jen said...

AC- So. Much. Hotness. ((sigh))

WINO - Tell him there's hot chicks in it too. AND an Aston- Martin!

Laura said...

Ladies you are rookies. Convince the man that you are totally in to action films. I was married for a good 15 years before my husband was "wise" to me.

of course that worn out part of the Top Gun VHS tape was a tell if ever I saw one.

ahnddd rewind the volleyball scene

ahnddd one more time hot Val Kilmer


and Jen... I believe there is a new game you can play... all roads lead to... Dylan McRenner Arms = Idk, Dylan is pretty fit for 41 = facial hair = I swear that boy is hot

Laura said...

Oh and hats off and slow clap to Kelly. Yes indeed why can't we enhance Kristen Stewart... in so many ways but mostly just get her to quit crossing her damn eyes every two seconds.

geez. get that shit fixed you're a millionaire by now, even Jethro had work done Krissy...

NATurally Inappropriate said...

Daniel Craig has been a fave of mine ever since I saw him step out of hte shower in tomb raider. Nuff said.

Jen said...

CHICK- They could write sonnets about that mans shoulders. ((drool))

LAURA - My life is a constant series of things that ultimately lead to fantasizing about Dylan. I've got it baaaaaaad.

NAT -Crap! I totally forgot he was in Tomb Raider! Guess what's going on my Netflix queue? ;)

Mistyslaws said...

Meh. He doesn't really do it for me. Whatever. I know you're taking away my middle aged woman card right now. I'm ok with that.

Jen said...

MISTY- Boo, Misty. More eye candy for meeeeee! :)

Laura said...

here you go Jen

Valerie said...

I never quite got into the whole Bond movement. I think that it was mostly because that he was a classy guy. All "Martini shaken, not stirred". I'm more of a beer and shots of tequila kind of gal. But I hear this new Bond is more bad ass. I will have to look into this.

And NO, that picture had nothing to do with it.

Ok.. Maybe a little.



Antonella Toledo said...

Best post ever, the plot is basically boom boom, bang bang and the muscly labyrinth of Daniel Craig's well defined abs. That coming from a 14 year old.