Wednesday, November 14, 2012

You Had Me At "My Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hon"

ME:  How was the wedding this weekend?

DYLAN:  Predictable.  The pregnant bride wore white with no sense of irony, the minister read the "Love is patient, love is kind..." spiel from second Corinthians, and the bridesmaids got hammered and dry-humped each other to "Love Shack" at the reception.

ME:  Ah, romance.  Sorry I missed it.

DYLAN:  No you're not.  You hate weddings.

ME:  "Hate" is such a strong word.  I guess I just don't see the point of getting married other than improving your insurance coverage and ensuring the two of you never have sex again.

DYLAN:  You're a cynical bastard.

ME:  I prefer 'pragmatic bitch'.  Was the food good, at least?

DYLAN:  Typical meat-n-taters buffet.  We don't really do "creative" this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

ME:  So, no "Star Wars" themed same-sex commitment ceremonies down there in the not-so-deep South?

DYLAN:  This is North Carolina, Darlin'.  We have pretty strict rules about marriage: down here you can't get married unless you're thirteen, heterosexual, or second cousins. I'm pretty sure it's in the Book of Leviticus.

ME:  That's disturbing.

DYLAN:  No, what was disturbing was watching the bride and groom have their first dance to the Police's "Every Breath You Take".

ME:  Wait.  Wha -- what?  That. . .that's a song about stalking!  Like, 'it puts the lotion in the basket', 'I want to wear your ass as a hat', fifteen to life stalking!

DYLAN (laughing):  I know!  Apparently it's "their song".  That'll make a great story to tell their children:  "I'll never forget the night I met Mommy, the sun was setting through the leaves of the tree outside her bedroom window, and she glowed like an angel in the light of my night-vision goggles".

ME:  Aaaaannnnd, that took care of the 'heebies', now all that's left are the 'jeebies'.

DYLAN:  Ahh, then my work here is done.

ME:  What about us?  

DYLAN:  What about us?

ME:  Well, what about our song?  Do we have a song?

DYLAN:  Where are you going with this, Taylor Swift?

ME:  I'm just saying that every couple should have a song.  Did you and your ex wife have a song?

DYLAN:  I never really thought about it.

ME:  Well, what did you dance to at your wedding?

DYLAN:  We got married at the courthouse when she was four months pregnant; there wasn't a lot of time for dancing between the morning sickness and overwhelming sense of 'what the fuck'.  Why?  What did you dance to at your wedding?

ME:  "Fields of Gold" by Sting.

DYLAN:  ((laughing hysterically))

ME:  What?

DYLAN:  You do realize that's a song about a dead guy who cheated on his wife, right?

ME:  It is?

DYLAN:  What did you think he meant by "I've never made promises lightly, and there have been some that I've broken" and "remember me when the west wind moves" ?

ME:  I never really thought about it. . .huh. . .I guess that explains why my ex loved that song so much.  Well, that and his bizarre homoerotic obsession with Sting.

DYLAN:  You know, I like the guy less and less with each passing story.

ME:  He has that effect on people.

DYLAN:  So, what do you think our song should be?

ME:  It doesn't work that way!  You can't just pick a song!  It has to have historical significance, like the song that was playing when you first met, or the first time you kissed, or the first time you danced, or the first time you. . .

DYLAN (interrupting):  OK, slow down 'Girl On Fire', I think I've got it.  So, first time we met was in the parking lot of your office. . .wait!  There was music!  Who's that homeless guy who lives in your alley?

ME:  Stony Joe?

DYLAN:  Yeah!  He was singing, remember?

ME:  Stony Joe is always singing so that's hardly historically significant.  Besides, he only sings showtunes and TV themes and I really don't care to immortalize the moment we met with an off-key rendition of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

DYLAN:  Well, the first time we kissed is out.

ME:  Why?

DYLAN:  Because we were in your car at the time and based on your taste in music you were probably playing something like "Get Low 4 Me" or "Smack My Bitch Up".

ME:  Pfft!  You have no respect for quality music, yo.

DYLAN:  You're right.  How could I possibly not see the poetry in such lyrics as "Will these bitches wanna try 'n be my bestie?  I turn left 'n leave em hangin' like a testie" ?

ME:  Bite me.  OK, so how about the first time we danced?

DYLAN:  Wasn't that in the middle of Target?

ME:  Oh.  Yeah. . .OK, so probably not terribly romantic but you did learn how to Dougie that day.

DYLAN:  Which I'm sure will prove to be a highly lucrative job skill someday.

ME:  Hmmm. . .so, what about the first time we. . .

DYLAN:  No music.

ME:  Pfft!  Child, please.  You know you heard the angels singing.

DYLAN:  What's that?  I couldn't hear you.  There seems to be some crazy stuck in my ear.

ME (pause):  So we really don't have one, do we.  We don't have a song.

DYLAN:  Why is this such a big deal to you?

ME:  Because you're. . .you.  And I've never felt this way about anyone before, and that just seems. . .major.  Like it should be some craptastically overrated James Cameron movie with a John Williams score or some shit like that.

DYLAN:  You hate James Cameron.

ME:  I think the point just sailed past you thirty seconds ago.

DYLAN:  No, I got the point.  But here's my point: we don't need someone else's song.  We have our own soundtrack.

ME:  Such as?

DYLAN:  Well. . .umm. . .OK!  The day we met.  There was a hazmat spill in the building next door and my station showed up, right?

ME:  Right.

DYLAN:   So, that would be "Burnin' Down The House...So You Could Stalk Firefighters".

ME:  Ha!  You totally stalked me!  So really it should be "Where 'Dem Girls At?. . .'Cuz I Want to Leave Creepy Notes on Their Cars".

DYLAN:  First kiss?  "Who's Gonna Drive You Home, Tonight...So I Don't Have To Listen To Any More Shitty Nicki Minaj Songs".

ME:  More like: "Paradise By the Dashboard Light...Except For the Part Where My Hair Got Caught in Your Watch and You Jammed Your Knee into the Emergency Brake".

DYLAN:  First dance?  "Dancin' With Myself...Until Target Security Throws Us Out".

ME:  Or: "Dancin' In The Streets...AFTER Target Security Throws Us Out".

DYLAN:  First time?  "Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...No, Really.  Let's Talk About It, Because I'm Going to Need a Complete Medical History and a Blood Sample".

ME:  What can I say, I'm a safety girl.

DYLAN:  As well you should be.

ME:  I was thinking of something a little more romantic, but realistic, considering our age.  Like, "Feels Like The First Time...Except With Less Angst About Buying Condoms and Worrying That My Ass Looks Fat".

DYLAN:  Or, "You Shook Me All Night Long...Well, At Least Until 9:30, Because We Both Had to Work in the Morning".

ME:  Or, "Hot Blooded...But That Could Just Be the Perimenopause Talking".

DYLAN:  Oh, yeah.  THAT'S sexy.  Look. . .I love you.  You know that.  I don't need some whiny John Mayer song to say it for me.  Besides, we just aren't a cheesy, Hallmark, "our song" kind of couple

ME:  That's not true!  In fact, just the other day I grabbed a pen and an old napkin and I wrote down our song.

DYLAN:  What?

ME:  You know. . .It's. . .it's a slamming screen door.  Sneaking out late, tapping on your window. . .

DYLAN:  I swear to God, if you get that freaking song stuck in my head. . .

ME:  When we're on the phone and you talk real slow. . .

DYLAN:  Shut uuuuuuuuup!!!

ME:  'Cuz it's late and your momma don't know. 

DYLAN:  . . .

ME (singing):  And when I got home, before I said 'amen', askin' God if He would play it agaaaaaain!

DYLAN:  ((sigh)). . .Goddamnit. . .

ME:  Heart hands!

    My apologies for what I've just done here.



FFW said...

If it makes you feel better, I once dated a guy who was my roommate. "dated" being a loose term, in this case. We didn't want the other roommates to know we were "dating" every night, so we played the radio. The song being overplayed? Crash Test Dummies, with Mmmm-Mmmm-Mmmm-Mmmm. It became OUR SONG.

And at our 20th Anniversary (in 5 years) I'm thinking I should hire them to play for us. I'm sure we can hire them on the cheap!

Jaclyn said...

I was with you right up until you got that shitty song stuck in my head. Asshole.

Jen said...

JACLYN - I suck...

Anonymous said...

Dammit. You and the Taylor Swift love. That's it . . . I'm sending another care package. :p

He's got a one-hand feel
On the steering wheel
The other on my heeeaaaarrrrtttt.

You know that is the closest she will ever come to writing about someone copping a feel, right? ;)

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

I think you should know that I read lucrative as lubricate. That is all.

Kelly said...

I am pretty sure my soul just got sucked through that hand heart.

Hubs and I don't really have "a song". We danced to "Faithfully" by Journey for our first dance because I like it. And it's Journey. So it's awesome. I mean really, it is fortunate that Smokey Joe wasn't singing Who Let The Dogs Out, because that's just something you can't tell people.

I'd be interested in a youtube video of you and Dylan starting a flash mob in Target to "Safety Dance", though.

Jamie said...

You. Are. Fired. I'm taking away your Junior Firefighter badge.

Jen said...

FFW - Isn't that the one that sings "ooooonce, there was this giiiirl who..." in that creepy voice. Beautiful. truly beautiful. And I would venture a guess that the Crash Test Dummies might pay YOU for a gig these days.

JOHI - Heh-heh-heh. you said "lubricate".

Jen said...


Fyre said...

NOOOOOOO...damn you, Jen! Do you know how long it takes me to get a song out of my head??? ***sobs quietly at my desk***

But, I did like the "wear your ass as a hat" line...totally cracked me up! And "Fields of Gold"...that be some eerie foreshadowing there. Yikes!

Jen said...

KELLY - Since I am strictly verboten to post any pictures of Dylan, I'm pretty sure a video is not in the cards. ((sigh)) Too bad, cuz that boy got them moves like Jagger.

JAMIE - You were the only one who caught the 'Anchorman' testicle reference in my gym can't leave me...I need you...

becca said...

t-t-teach me how to dougie, teach me how to dougie... that song is going to be in my head all damn day long... thanks babe. No really, thank you.

Mandy said...

The song *I* picked as me and Ed's song was "After All" by Peter Cetera and Cher cause, well, we'd been through a lot and we're still together. The song *ED* picked was "Woot! Woot! Pull Over Dat Azz Too Fat."

For obvious reasons.

*face palm*

PS: You have no idea how grateful I am that I don't know THAT particular Taylor Swift song.

Jen said...

FYRE - There were so many signs with my ex. So. Many. Signs. ((sigh)) I'm a slow learner.

BECCA - You and I need to get married. You're the only one who speaks my language. ((fist bump))

MANDY - I actually love that Cetera/Cher song. (ducking and hiding to preserve ghetto street cred)

Erica Burns said...

by the sounds of it, I guess I'm lucky that I'm not familiar with Taylor's Swift song.. might come from my deep loathing of all things country music..

our song is a Gershwin song.. someone to watch over me.. I think? I don't remember

Anonymous said...

Hm, wow, i think my boyfriend and i would be hard pressed to figure out a shared song. We pretty hate each others taste in music. Thankfully, we also hate weddings so we'll never be forced to pick a song that will make us go "ugh" later down the road.
If I had the money i would totally throw a joke wedding, which would include playing the creepiest, most inappropriate music. Damn, where do I find 20 gs for that, it would be awesome!

Rachel said...

I don't know if I'd really consider it "our song", but when I first started dating my boyfriend he'd start singing "Slow Motion" by Juvenile whenever he'd call. One day my mother answered my phone, and was greeted with "UUUUHHHHH! I like it like that she workin' that back I don't know how to act slow motion for me, slow motion for me, slow motion for me move it slow motion for me." AWWWWKWARDDDD!

-Vince said...

Y'alls song is either "FIREHOUSE" by KISS or whatever plays when Jeremy Renner is running in a movie.

Dylan's description was almost exactly like my sister-in-law's wedding... In NC.

Ps... I've been too busy to be sarcastic lately, much less to write it down.

Who am I kidding, I breath sarcastically.

Laura said...

Please remember... you brought this on yourself...

"Figured You Out"

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out
(Now I did, you wonder why)
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out
(Now I did, you wonder why)

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

And I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self-respect
While you passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out
(Now I did, you wonder why)
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out
(Now I did, you wonder why)
(Why not before, you never tried)
(Gone for good, and this is it)

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out
(Now I did, you wonder why)
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard, just to figure you out
(Now I did, you wonder why)
(Why not before, you never tried)
(Gone for good, and this is it)

Laura said...


I like country music, love it in fact, but OH MY FUCKING GOD she is hideous!

Aside from that. Moves like Jagger popped in my head when you said Dylan needed a song. :)

Laura said...

Awwww. Nickelback too dirty for you... LOL Doubtful

Jen said...

ERICA - Ooh! I am a HUGE Gershwin fanatic. Love!

WINO - We need to take up a collection to fund your joke wedding because I would pay GOOD money to attend that shitshow! :)

RACHEL - Laughing my ass off at my desk imagining your mom's expression. That is awesome.

VINCE - Jeremy Renner actually sings; do you think he'd compose a song for me and Dylan...or for me and Jeremy...I'm not picky (Sorry, D.)

LAURA - Ha! I don't know that song! So you can't get it stuck in my head! :p

Laura said...


and uh. the first line is the show stopper for you and the big "D"

:) don't disown me. LOL

QOE said...

We don't really have a song but Hubs and I danced to "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" by Louis Armstrong at our wedding. Since Hubs is 20 years older than me, my brother suggested "Father Figure" by George Michael. Hubs thought that was hilarious, me...not so much.

Laura said...

Make sure you don't have any liquid that can be spit toward your monitor when you read this... first dance was

"I Love You" by the Climax Blues Band. I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

Chosen by the husband. And honestly no truer words were ever spoken... for both of us.

Justamom said...


Love the safety girl comment ala Julia in Pretty Woman...

My ex surprised me and had the change our first dance to Tracy Byrd Alibis...guess I should not be surprised that things did not work out...

Jen said...

LAURA - You can't use the words "best" and "Nickelback" in the same sentence.

QOE - I love older men. It is bizarre for me to be dating someone that is actually 5 and a half months younger than me.

LAURA - Damn, Girl. That shit aint right.

JUSTAMOM - I love everything about Pretty Woman. "Work it! Work it, Baby! Own it!"

Leauxra said...

As long as your song isn't "Pumped up Kicks", I think you'll be OK.

I went to a friend's wedding over the weekend, and halfway through the first dance, a contingent from the bridal party burst onto the floor wearing muppet costumes and the band started the Muppet song.

I think their song is "Menomina".

Laura said...


Dylan is a lucky man.

Hey my husband managed to work CLIMAX into our wedding song. Don't be a hater.


NATurally Inappropriate said...

Jay and I don't really have an 'our song' either. There was a song during the 10 years we were married to other people, that we discovered after our reconciliation we both used to play while daydreaming about the other-- and that's "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas. So we sort of consider that our song, except it's sad and reminds of us of when we were apart. There are a ton of songs I'd LIKE to be ours, but...they just arent.

Vesta Vayne said...

We went to a wedding a couple of months ago in which the bridal party and then bride and groom were introduced while Poison played. As in, Bel Biv Devoe. It was pretty awesome.

Katie.G said...

I never comment, but I always read your blog, so today, after cracking up, I thought I'd leave this: As a fellow PhD student who frequently turns to your blog for the sole "laugh so hard I cried and maybe need to use the bathroom" daily giggle, I just wanted to say thanks. You rock my socks super hard, and though I just got some really bad news, your blog pulled me out of my office cryfest enough that I'll make it through today :). Thank you for months of hilarity that have totally brightened my day today!

Jen said...

KATIE G. - Sorry you're dealing with some nasty shit right now, but I'm super glad that my dysfunctional life can give you a smile. Hang in there, my sistah! ((HUGS)) :)