Monday, January 21, 2013

"A@@holes, A@@holes, We All Fall Down..."

My hometown is making national news again, my friends.  Not since the heady days of Bob Packwood's little black book or the wacky hijinx of America's favorite little knee-cracker, Tonya Harding, has Portland, Oregon achieved such celebrity status.  But just last week ABC's "Good Morning America" reported on our latest local claim to fame:

When I first heard this story, I laughed like a coked-up whore for a solid minute, then looked at my friend and said "No, seriously.  You've gotta be shitting me."  I mean, consider the facts.  She fell off the roof of a parking garage.  A parking garage.  Now, parking in downtown Portland is at a minimum and as such we have an ungodly amount of parking garages and the citizens of my fine city have mastered the art of their usage like a boss. It is quite simple, really. You drive into the garage, take your ticket, park your car, then traverse to the street level by way of either a spacious elevator or one of the myriad stairwells surrounding said structure.  At no time do you ever park your car, climb to the roof, and attempt to access the neighboring building by making a grand jete from the railing.

I know, I know.  This shouldn't annoy me as much as it does.  I mean, who did she really hurt, besides herself?  Well, how about the taxpayers who shelled out their hard-earned money to pay the rescue workers who came tearing in there like the INS at a bordertown Taco Bell and had to wedge her sorry ass to safety at 3:45 am?  That stuff nags at me like Norman Bates' mother when a blonde checks in.

I don't have a problem with drunk people gallivanting on top of buildings in the middle of the night.  If that's what blows your skirt up, then more power to you.  What I DO have a problem with is the amount of press this crazy bitch is getting for making the Walk-of-Shame off the StarPark and screaming like RuPaul with his (her?) nuts in a Black and Decker work vise.  If it were me, I'd be so embarrassed that the last thing I'd be doing is yelling for attention.  I'd let myself starve up there in silence for a couple of days until I was thin enough to slide down the wall like Jeremy Renner in "The Bourne Legacy"; then I would haul my chafed ass to my car and be tearing outta there so fast my tires would be balder than Donald Trump in a Class-4 hurricane.

I get it, the media loves a good search and rescue story, but this chick's not Baby Jessica; she's a grown-ass woman who knew exactly what she was doing when she went all Black Swan at 3:00am.   Right now her local popularity is through the roof. . .literally, THROUGH the roof.  But this kind of "fame" is a little like winning a People's Choice Award: all it shows it that you caught the popular attention of the same people who nominated "Twilight" for Best Picture.  It only takes 5 seconds to be a media sensation, then you spend the next forty years as a joke with a shitty punchline.*

*Yeah, I'm talking to you, Kate Gosselin..

I'll admit, I got a perverse voyeuristic thrill out of watching the rescue crew jimmy this woman free like Star Jones taking off a pair of skinny jeans while everyone stood around clapping like a bunch of spastic kids cleaning erasers, but for the love of all that is good and holy, when ABC News starts giving this dipshit more screen time than the Chilean miners then I declare shenanigans.  If she chose to do so, there is no doubt in my mind that Humpty Dumpty could parlay her little swandive into a LifeTime Movie of the Week, but to her credit, she's laying low.  So, fortunately, it looks as though her "15 minutes of fame" will last about as long as a sparrow's fart or an American Idol winner's career.

I understand that she's human, and as such, she made a bad decision.  We all have our shit.  We all do things that make us question our place on the evolutionary chain, but in a day and age where common sense is harder to find than a virgin after Prom Night, we need to stop deifying these acts of stupidity, and turning them into profiles of courage.  Because the day I see some idiot who got stoned and walked in front of a bus sharing the cover of People magazine with the victims of a school shooting is the day I invest in a tinfoil helmet 'cause that kind of crazy is viral, yo.

I'm glad this woman is safe. I certainly don't wish ill will upon anyone on this planet. . .*

*Well, maybe my ex-husband.  And that perky girl at the gym who's always yapping on her cellphone, because. . .reasons.

. . .but I do think there needs to come a time when we as humans can step back, look at the dumbass wedged between two buildings like a chunk of human cholesterol, and say "You know what, Darwin?  We're just gonna let you take it from here."




TheOtherLisa said...

Did she really try to jump between buildings? I mean we have a local parking garage that's "open" on the top level, but it's surrounded by a low wall. Clearly intended to indicate that YOU SHOULD STOP WALKING HERE!!

Whadda dumbass.

Leauxra said...

Whats funny? People fall down cracks around here all the time.

That sounded dirtier than it was meant.

I meant cracks in ROCKS. And they get wedged. Only it's a freaking mountain, so there are no relief jacks. Just ropes, and volunteer search and rescue workers (my parents are both involved), and one scared ass person who can barely breathe for 12 hours while 20 people work at getting him or her loose.

The fallers are generally sober, too.

Why does THIS lady get so much attention? I mean besides the fact that most people stuck in this situation don't want anyone to know who the hell they are and run away from any cameras like their life depends on it.

Andrea said...

I need to see so e sort of amped up reenactment of the fall, because I just can't envision how it went down!

mark said...

Wait, they had to cut off her plaid shirt? The horrors! Someone, get that hippie a new plaid flannel shirt, STAT! Such a shame she's unidentified... You know, so we could get her a new shirt.

Jen said...

LISA - Yes...yes she did indeed try to "save time" by leaping to the neighboring building. ((banging head in confusion))

LEAUXRA - said "crack". Heh-heh!

ANDREA - I would give my left arm for a slo-mo replay on youtube, I shit you not.

MARK - I'm just glad that she escaped with her multiple facial piercings intact. Phew!

Fyre said...

Jen, it gets better. Apparently, she is a local graffiti artist who was jumping around up there to address the need for art at that elevation. But, since they don't have enough evidence, there will be no charges against her.

My favorite part of this whole story is that when she gave her name, the rescue workers asked, "isn't that one of Bart Simpson's aliases he uses when making prank calls". Keep it weird, Portland, keep it weird.

Anonymous said...

And you would think a woman being rescued from between two buildings she was wedged into would only happen once. Ever. There was a drunk college student in RI last fall who got stuck between two buildings that she had to be rescued from. That Rhodes scholar thought she would fit and didn't want to walk around the buidling. Four hours later someone heard her yelling. Yup.

TheChickIsRight said...

I too was baffled and moderately enraged by the orgasmic media coverage of this "event."

My morning commute was regaled with moment by moment breathless, frantic, coverage by "on the scene" reporters. *gag* My steering wheel was slightly dented upon arrival at work.

The whole time, I kept asking myself, "Why (the fu<k)is this news, let alone BREAKING COVERAGE news?"

Anonymous said...

Why, why do I drink coffee when I read your blog? I almost sullied my Kindle when I got to the baby Jessica part

jennielynn said...

"Yeah, I'm talking to you, Kate Gosselin"

Dying. Seriously dying over here.

Gia said...

I hadn't heard this story. But yeah. Darwin award for her.

Jen said...

FYRE- I hate her even harder now.

ANONYMOUS- apparently stupidity is bicoastal, Huzzah!

CHICK- I had to turn off the radio to avoid veering my SUV off of the Burnside Bridge in anger.

WINO- I have a bizarre fascination with Baby Jessica...even though she's about 35 now...I have no idea why.

JENNIE - And yet I never miss an episode of shitty reality TV like "Jon & Kate + 8" and "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They make me feel so much better about my life choices.

GIA- Darwin would have a freakin FIELD DAY in Portland, Girl.

Laura said...

Is it possible you're bitter because you weren't there to chat with the firemen? LOL Kidding just kidding. The galactically stupid in Portland. At this point shouldn't be newsworthy but apparently the still are...

Valerie said...

If something like this ever happened to me, I'd just go right ahead and eat the cyanide pill I keep on my person for just such an occasion. But the accident would be blamed on ninjas. Because I also keep that sort of evidence on me too. Mama didn't raise no fool...



Brett Minor said...

I came across that story here the day it happened and almost sent you a link, but then thought, "No, I'm sure she already knows about this. It's her hometown."

Instead, I will send you this.

An elderly Oregon man who hangs around hot spots in town advertising for a wife.