Monday, January 28, 2013

Seacrest, Out.

"So", Kelly sighed, setting her Diet Coke on the coffee table with a thud.  "You're really done?  Like, officially out of the game?" 

"Yup", I replied, popping another Wheat Thin into my mouth, "I've spent waaaaaaay to much time vacationing on the Island of Misfit Boys.  I'm over it."

Kelly mused quietly from her side of the couch.  "I don't think I could ever be 'over' men.  Not as long as I continue to enjoy being under them."

"That'll do, Whore. . .that'll do."  I replied, kicking her leg and reaching for another cracker.  "Is Gina coming over?"*

*Kelly, Gina and I have a standing weekly date to meet and watch 'American Idol'.  But only during the audition weeks.  Once the contestants actually have talent and the judges stop slap-fighting, we lose interest.

"Yeah.  She just had to give Milo a bath and wait for Alex to get home to watch him"  Kelly took a long swig of her soda.  "My kids might drive me batshit crazy, but at least I know I can leave the house without them. I wouldn't go back to the baby age for anything."

I nodded sagely.  "Hear, hear!  You know what Gina told me the other night?  That having a baby was like getting a DUI: you can't go out, you can't leave the state, and you're always waking up in random places with vomit on your shirt."

Kelly choked on her Diet Coke in laughter as 98 pounds of indignant teenager stormed into the room.

"MOTHER!"  Kelly's 13-year-old daughter Sophie screamed, "I was watching TV and Justin just marched in and changed the channel in the MIDDLE of my SHOW!"

"What's that you said about not wanting to go back in time?" I asked as Kelly rolled her eyes and called for 9-year-old Justin who came cruising in looking smugger than Kanye when he jacked Taylor Swift's VMA.

*I love that kid.  So.  Damned.  Hard.

"Hey, J-Man," I said, "did you seriously turn off Soph's show while she was watching it?  That's a dick move, my friend."

Kelly sighed heavily.  "Don't listen to Auntie Jen."  she said, glaring at me harshly before returning her steely gaze to her son.  "Justin, did you turn off Sophie's TV show while she was watching it?"

"Yes." he replied with a cool grin, reaching over to snag a Wheat Thin.*

*Oh HELLZ no, my friend.  You might only be 9 but I will cut a bitch before I'll let you jack my Wheat Thins, yo.

Kelly dragged a hand over her face tiredly and turned to a silently fuming Sophie.  "What exactly happened, Soph?"

Sophie threw her hands in the air like she was signalling a passing plane.  "I was just sitting in the basement, watching TV, and Justin walked in, GRABBED the remote, and changed the channel!"

"What were you watching?"  Kelly asked.

"Teen Mom 2".

"Well done."  Kelly told Justin and handed him the box of Wheat Thins with a smile as Sophie squealed and left the room more dramatically than RuPaul getting his wig ripped off.

"Glad to see I didn't miss any of the action."  Gina said as she walked into Kelly's living room. "Door was unlocked and I heard screaming so I figured either someone was being killed or Nicki Minaj finally went all Aileen Wournos on Nick Cannon's baby mama."

"Nope", Kelly replied with a grin, scootching over to make room on the couch.  "Miss Minaj is remarkably well-behaved this evening."

"I feel sorry for Keith Urban." Gina sighed. "That's a loooooot of hours sandwiched between all that crazy."

I snorted derisively.  "Oh, please!  He's married to the skeletal Australian ice queen who used to bump uglies with that Scientology hobbit, Tom Cruise.  I'd say Keith is all stocked up on crazy, yo."

"True", Gina agreed, walking to the kitchen for a bottle of water.  "but still, no one can top Paula Abdul.  She was crazier than a shithouse rat."

"I miss Paula,"  Kelly mused with a sigh. "there was just that constant sense of 'will-she-won't-she?'  Will this be the week she passes out?  Will she actually manage to applaud without slapping herself in the face?  Will she provide any cognizant input or just keep spinning in her chair?  That was the REAL competition on that show, my friends."

I shrugged casually.  "I don't know, I'd say she maintained pretty well for someone who's been drunk since the Reagan Administration."

"Didn't she hit you with her car?"  Kelly asked as Gina returned to the couch.

"Wait, WHAT!?!?"  Gina cried, spitting her water in shock.

"Nah, just grazed me."  I said, stretching my feet out onto the coffee table.

Gina shook her head in bewilderment.  "OK, in the immortal words of Miss Minaj, 'Pause that.  Abort that.'  Paula Abdul GRAZED you with her CAR!?!?  How did I not know this?"

I paused thoughtfully for a moment.  "I thought I told you.  It was in L.A., we were filming on the same set where they film "Idol" and when we were crossing the lot she came tooling through in her hoopty ride and almost took us out.  The production assistant yanked me back but her side mirror clipped my arm."

Gina stared at me like I had sprouted horns and a tail.  "You were in L.A. . .filming?  What the hell were you filming?"

Kelly laughed and threw a pillow at my head.  "You never told her?"  she turned to Gina. "Jen was on a game show a few years back."

Gina snorted with laughter.  "Back.  The fuck.  Up.  Which game show?"

I buried my face in the pillow and mumbled incoherently.

"Oh, no."  Gina cried, tearing the pillow away.  "HELL, no!  You don't just tease me like that and leave me hangin'.  Which.  Show?"  

I saw Gina's generally serene features settle into the stony courtroom mask she usually reserves for recalcitrant defendants and lackadaisical Starbucks employees.  I knew that it was futile to resist her.

"The Singing Bee."  I reluctantly admitted.  "It's on CMT."

Gina shook her head slowly.  "CMT?  I don't know..."  Suddenly, realization spread across her face and she erupted with laughter.  "Wait, CMT as in Country Music Television?  You sang country music on TV?  Voluntarily?"

"It wasn't a singing competition,"  I cried indignantly "it was more of a lyrics competition.  You know, how well do you know the words?"

Gina continued to laugh.  "You can't remember where you left your keys five minutes ago, you must have gotten your ass pounded like a hooker at a biker bar."

"Oh, you're hilarious,"  I drawled.  "been auditing classes at the Andy Dick school of comedy lately?"

"Shouldn't give her too much crap, Geen."  Kelly stated in my defense.  "She won."

Gina's laughter abruptly stopped and her mouth flew open in shock.  "You WON!?!?  How much money did you get?"

"Ten thousand dollars."  I replied smugly.  "It paid for my first year of grad school."

Gina stared at me in awe.  "I would gnaw off my arm to see that footage, my friend."  

Kelly laughed and reached across the table for her laptop.  "No need to resort to cannibalism, mah dear.  I've got the video bookmarked."

Gina squealed with delight as I groaned and grabbed the TV remote.  "You don't want to watch that, Gina.  It's "Idol" night, remember?  Shitty contestants, thinly veiled references to Ryan Seacrest's sexuality, all of the things you hold dear.  This is MUCH more interesting than some old. . .holy shit, you really do have it bookmarked."

I watched in horror as the laptop screen was suddenly filled with the image of me standing beside Melissa Peterman, a cheesy smile plastered across my face.

"This is beautiful."  Gina whispered in wonder.  "So many things to mock.  So many, many things."

"I hate you both so hard right now."  I grumbled, rising from the couch.

"Where are you going, Miranda Lambert?"  Kelly called after me.

"Downstairs to watch pregnant teenagers with Sophie."  I retorted.  "Somehow that seems far more dignified."


PS:  Yes, I really was on The Singing Bee.  Yes, I really won $10,000. And yes, the video exists somewhere out there on line; or you could always email Kelly, I'm sure she'd happily send you the link.  ((sigh))  My friends suck.


Brett Minor said...

It's not too hard to find. CMT has them all archived on their website. I've seen it.

To get past it, you need to get on a respectable show.

Ooooh. Audition for The Bachelor.

Anonymous said...

Having seen the gloriousness that is that video, I will say that it is indeed a wonder to behold. And Gina is correct . . . so many, many things to mock!! But you won $10K and paid for a year of grad school, so booyah! :)

I wasn't aware that that was when you got clipped by El Loco Drunko, though. That is new information.

Leauxra said...

No, your friends are AWESOME. Except I don't understand why they wouldn't think you'd be good at that... I mean, seriously? You record conversations with your friends on the INTERNET. From MEMORY. AND! AND! You know the name and something about pretty much every celebrity in the world. Which is da-a-amn impressive, if you ask me.

Also... I will be searching, Jen. For your 15 minutes. On youtube.

FFW said...

that's some fucked up shit----I do NOT have the time to cyber-stalk til I find your last name, by cross-referencing the blogs you comment on, and going back in time, so that I can search on YouTube. LINK. NOW.

In my defense, if I had been on a game show, I would have put the link in, so people don't go crazy trying to search for it, instead of getting stuff done when they are supposed to be working. Where is your compassion??!?!?!!?!?

FFW said...

NOT OK. I need the link, I am supposed to be sifting through emails, and being productive, not cyber-stalking you to determine your last name so I can find the clip myself.

If it were me, I would have linked it.


Jen said...

((sigh)) Season 1, episode 10. My crazy-ass friend Jamie was on there with me but he tanked out in the first round -- SUCKA!

Anonymous said...

I thought you previously said they removed it because it was "too old" or some shit. Did they put them all back up? Because I searched in the recent past and could not find it. It was when my son was obsessed with that show and I was trying to prove that mommy actually DID know someone who went on the show. He still doesn't believe me. Thanks CMT for ruining my street cred with my kid. Bastards.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...


Britt said...

Cannot view outside of USA!?! This is very disappointing.
And a challenge I accept.

TheOtherLisa said...

Omigod I'm DYING!! Actually squealed. Found the show. Had to explain in detail to my husband that I was someday going to drive cross country for the sole purpose of hugging the ever loving SHIT OUTTA YOU!!

He's a little confused now.

Suniverse said...

Now I HAVE to watch it.

Thanks for the distraction. And congrats on the big win!

FFW said...

Sorry for the double comments----I blog-farted.

And thank you for the episode name... ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow, found this show, you are adorable (and a great singer). You are so not allowed to stop dating!

Jaime S said...

I really wanna sing karaoke with you!

Bexstar said...

Fuck you internet!! It won't let me watch it from the confines of my hotter than hedes office here in little old ass end of the world New Zealand. Fuck.

Valerie said...

You are my straight up hero! I can't manage to muster up the courage to sing in front of a shitfaced bar. And you do it on national tv. Epic!

And... Since you're my hero and all, you should really just send me the link so I can be all stalkerish. ;0)



Erica B said...

FAME! you totally nailed that one! Great video. I looked like you had a such a great time on there, and I bet that Barbara lady was pissed