DRUNK GUY IN PARKING LOT: You know, my brain is, like, the ONLY organ that won't repair itself and every weekend I kill it for sport. That's messed up. . .
ALEX: Why does your hair smell like campfire and fear?
DRUNK GIRL #1: It's gonna be SO hard to get a cab tonight.
DRUNK GIRL #2: Ohmigod, we should totally order a pizza!
DRUNK GIRL #1: What?
DRUNK GIRL #2: I'll call the Dominos on the next block and ask for a delivery, then we can walk over there and ask them to drop us off with the pizza!
DRUNK GIRL #1: You are sooooooo smart.
DRUNK GIRL #2: I have to be. I have small boobs.
GINA: What happens if you accidentally swallow glitter? You know. . .rhetorically speaking.
ME: I wonder how many of these people resolved to quit drinking or start working out tomorrow.
KELLY: Ooh! They should find a way to combine rehab and exercise. They could call it "12-Step Aerobics"!
BRANDON (staring at buffet): Huh. . .since when does Chevy make cheese?
BRANDON: It says right there: "Chevy cheese".
ME: That's 'chevre'.
ME: Sweetie, just stand there and look pretty.
GINA: Alex and I never really go out any more.
KELLY: Bitch, please. The last time Todd took me out Chaz Bono had a vagina and Patrick Swayze had a pulse.
GIRL IN LINE FOR BATHROOM: I totally want to lose 15 pounds this year but I can't decide if I should start exercising, smoking, or throwing up.
BRANDON: Sorry I'm in such a bad mood tonight. It's that time of the month.
ME: . . .
BRANDON: My student loan payment's due.
ME: . . .
BRANDON: Wait, what did you think I was talking about?
KELLY: Gina keeps trying to convince me to go to Zumba with her.
BRANDON: What the hell IS Zumba, anyway?
KELLY: It's like, gay folk dancing.
DRUNK GIRL ON PORCH: God, my ex-boyfriend is so clingy! I swear, a guy pays for your boob job and he thinks he OWNS you!
ALEX: I'm Jewish so I was taught guilt and shame from my parents. Gina's Catholic so she had to go to school to learn it.
KELLY: That's why I'm an atheist. I lie in bed on Sunday mornings and don't pray for jack shit and my prayers are always answered.
GIRL AT BAR: I call bullshit on Christmas! Do you know how hard it is to find three wise men today?
BARTENDER: About as hard as it is to find a virgin who's willing to straddle an ass?
HAPPY 2013, PARTY PEOPLE!!!