Friday, January 4, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The New Year's Eve Edition

DRUNK GUY IN PARKING LOT:  You know, my brain is, like, the ONLY organ that won't repair itself and every weekend I kill it for sport.  That's messed up. . .

ALEX:  Why does your hair smell like campfire and fear?

DRUNK GIRL #1:  It's gonna be SO hard to get a cab tonight.
DRUNK GIRL #2:  Ohmigod, we should totally order a pizza!
DRUNK GIRL #1:  What?
DRUNK GIRL #2:  I'll call the Dominos on the next block and ask for a delivery, then we can walk over there and ask them to drop us off with the pizza!
DRUNK GIRL #1:  You are sooooooo smart.
DRUNK GIRL #2:  I have to be.  I have small boobs.

GINA:  What happens if you accidentally swallow glitter?  You know. . .rhetorically speaking.

ME:  I wonder how many of these people resolved to quit drinking or start working out tomorrow.
KELLY:  Ooh!  They should find a way to combine rehab and exercise.  They could call it "12-Step Aerobics"!

BRANDON (staring at buffet):  Huh. . .since when does Chevy make cheese?
ME:  What?
BRANDON:  It says right there: "Chevy cheese".
ME:  That's 'chevre'.
ME:  Sweetie, just stand there and look pretty.

GINA:  Alex and I never really go out any more.
KELLY:  Bitch, please.  The last time Todd took me out Chaz Bono had a vagina and Patrick Swayze had a pulse.

GIRL IN LINE FOR BATHROOM:  I totally want to lose 15 pounds this year but I can't decide if I should start exercising, smoking, or throwing up.

BRANDON:  Sorry I'm in such a bad mood tonight.  It's that time of the month.
ME:  . . .
BRANDON:  My student loan payment's due.
ME:  . . .
BRANDON:  Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

KELLY:  Gina keeps trying to convince me to go to Zumba with her.
BRANDON:  What the hell IS Zumba, anyway?
KELLY:  It's like, gay folk dancing.

DRUNK GIRL ON PORCH:  God, my ex-boyfriend is so clingy!  I swear, a guy pays for your boob job and he thinks he OWNS you!

ALEX:  I'm Jewish so I was taught guilt and shame from my parents.  Gina's Catholic so she had to go to school to learn it.
KELLY:  That's why I'm an atheist.  I lie in bed on Sunday mornings and don't pray for jack shit and my prayers are always answered.

GIRL AT BAR:  I call bullshit on Christmas!  Do you know how hard it is to find three wise men today?
BARTENDER:  About as hard as it is to find a virgin who's willing to straddle an ass?



Laura said...

GIRL AT BAR: I call bullshit on Christmas! Do you know how hard it is to find three wise men today?
BARTENDER: About as hard as it is to find a virgin who's willing to straddle an ass?

I missed you1

Kelly said...

OMG... the last one... I can't.

I so needed to laugh today.

Frances Gronlier said...

This series in particular if off the chain. I was snorting from begining to the end

RemarkableMonkey said...

Zumba = Gay folk dancing... Hilarious!!! (I love Zumba, but that description rings pretty true!)

Maggi Shelbourn said...

Zumba = Gay Folk Dancing and 12-step aerobics? That's Gold! Thanks for the laughs today.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

These always increase my desire to visit you and meet your friends.

Anonymous said...

That pizza delivery scam is brilliant. I have big boobs, thus why I probably have never thought of it.

Vicki said...

Kill for sport every weekend. I snorted at work. SOOO glad you are back.I missed you and considered cashing in my frequest flyer miles to stalk you. But, you know, that might be creepy and weird since we don't know each other. Vicki

Jennifer Clark said...

I find all the drunk comments refreshingly honest. "In vino veritas" and all that.

Missed you, Jen. Hope you and the shorties had a great Christmas and will have an excellent 2013!

WeezaFish said...

Great laughs, thank you lady. Glad I read your post first this morning, has set my mood for the day :)

Gia said...

Is it weird that I want to know if the dominoes idea worked??

mark said...

Extrapolting on the boob job theory of ownership, liposuction seems like the safest plastic surgery one should accept as a gift. Belated welcome back! The internets missed you.

Headset Hellion said...

"Gay folk dancing," LMAO. Even better is that I just spoke to an 89 year-old woman yesterday, who was telling me how she was trying to buy some Zumba DVDs with her credit card. Now I'm just picturing a little old lady dancing with a bunch of fabulous gay men.

thoughtsappear said...

It's posts like these that make me want to go out to bars more. To listen to the funny stuff people be the drunk one saying the funny stuff.

Sooooo...did you ever find out the answer to the swallowing glitter question? Just in case...that ever happened to me...rhetorically.