I apologize for the brevity of today's post, but I appear to be mired under an unholy amount of whiny, self-pitying bullshit. I promise to bring back the funny on Monday when I'm feeling like less of a giant pussy.
JESS: Sean and I are going to start potty training this week.
ME: Well, that's good. That way, when it's time to potty train the baby, you two will be able to set a good example.
ME: I'm at that age where my biological clock is telling me it's time to make another man's life a living hell.
MATH HOMEWORK: Please explain your answer.
MY SON M's RESPONSE: It's right.
MATH HOMEWORK: How did you arrive at this answer?
MY SON M's RESPONSE: By not writing down the wrong ones.
KELLY: When I had my C-Section the doctor kept saying, "I'll make the incision really low and small so you can still wear a bikini." And I was, all "Bitch, please! It's a bikini and a bottle of Captain Morgan that got me into this situation in the first place"
MY SON (singing to Lady GaGa): "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, I'm a proper -- proper Nazi..."
ME: Wait. . .what?
JESS' 5-YEAR-OLD, TRENT: Mommy! This is my penis!
JESS: Yes, Baby. That's your penis. Do girls have a penis?
TRENT: No. Girls are from Virginia.
GINA: I love my son, but sometimes when he's flipping out I think "Oh, HELL no! I did NOT give up nine months of drinking for this shit!"
ALEX: When I was a kid we had Superman, and Shazaam, and the Hulk. . .dudes who could fly, and shape-shift, and blow shit up. You know who my son has now? Bob the Builder. Guess what he does? He fixes other people's stuff. That's not a superpower, that's a bad career choice.
SANTA: What do you want for Christmas?
MY SON M: A puppet theater and a new paint set, please.
SANTA: And what does your Mommy want for Christmas?
MY SON J: Jeremy Renner. But she'd probably be happy with cash.
KELLY'S 13-YEAR-OLD, SOPHIE: You have NO idea how lucky you are to have me as a daughter! I could be running around drinking and smoking. . .what would you do if I suddenly came home and said, "Mom, I'm pregnant"?
KELLY: Call MTV?
SOPHIE: I'm moving in with grandma.
KELLY: Might wanna rethink that, Babe. Living with grandma is what made Mommy start drinking and smoking in the first place.
ME: My son's kindergarten teacher was wicked psyched when I told her M. was autistic. Turns out she thought I said "artistic". She was pretty bummed when it turned out he couldn't draw stick figures for shit.
ME: I can't believe my son's math homework. I'm half-tempted to tell them "fuck it, just do what Mommy did and copy off of the Asian kid".
GINA: People always tried that with me but I am the 1% of all Asians who suck at math.
ALEX: Yeah, and I'm the 1% of all Jews that can't balance my checkbook. (pause) Our son's screwed, isn't he, Babe?
GINA: Like a two-bit whore.
ME: Dude! You did NOT just pick up that cookie from the floor of the grocery store and eat it!
MY SON J: Pfft! It's gotta be cleaner than our floor at home.
ME: Excuse me, you could eat off of our kitchen floor.
MY SON J: Yeah, probably. There's enough food down there.