Friday, January 18, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Parenthood Edition

I apologize for the brevity of today's post, but  I appear to be mired under an unholy amount of whiny, self-pitying bullshit.  I promise to bring back the funny on Monday when I'm feeling like less of  a giant pussy.


JESS: Sean and I are going to start potty training this week.
ME:  Well, that's good.  That way, when it's time to potty train the baby, you two will be able to set a good example.

ME: I'm at that age where my biological clock is telling me it's time to make another man's life a living hell.

MATH HOMEWORK:  Please explain your answer.
MY SON M's RESPONSE:  It's right.
MATH HOMEWORK:  How did you arrive at this answer?
MY SON M's RESPONSE:  By not writing down the wrong ones.

KELLY:  When I had my C-Section the doctor kept saying, "I'll make  the incision really low and small so you can still wear a bikini."  And I was, all "Bitch, please! It's a bikini and a bottle of Captain Morgan that got me into this situation in the first place"

MY SON (singing to Lady GaGa):  "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, I'm a proper -- proper Nazi..."
ME:  Wait. . .what?

JESS' 5-YEAR-OLD, TRENT:  Mommy!  This is my penis!
JESS:  Yes, Baby.  That's your penis.  Do girls have a penis?
TRENT:  No. Girls are from Virginia.

GINA:  I love my son, but sometimes when he's flipping out I think "Oh, HELL no!  I did NOT give up nine months of drinking for this shit!"

ALEX:  When I was a kid we had Superman, and Shazaam, and the Hulk. . .dudes who could fly, and shape-shift, and blow shit up.  You know who my son has now?  Bob the Builder.  Guess what he does?  He fixes other people's stuff.  That's not a superpower, that's a bad career choice.

SANTA:  What do you want for Christmas?
MY SON M: A puppet theater and a new paint set, please.
SANTA:  And what does your Mommy want for Christmas?
MY SON J:  Jeremy Renner.  But she'd probably be happy with cash.

KELLY'S 13-YEAR-OLD, SOPHIE:  You have NO idea how lucky you are to have me as a daughter!  I could be running around drinking and smoking. . .what would you do if I suddenly came home and said, "Mom, I'm pregnant"?
SOPHIE:  I'm moving in with grandma.
KELLY:  Might wanna rethink that, Babe. Living with grandma is what made Mommy start drinking and smoking in the first place.

ME:  My son's kindergarten teacher was wicked psyched when I told her M. was autistic.  Turns out she thought I said "artistic".  She was pretty bummed when it turned out he couldn't draw stick figures for shit.

ME:  I can't believe my son's math homework.  I'm half-tempted to tell them "fuck it, just do what Mommy did and copy off of the Asian kid".
GINA:  People always tried that with me but I am the 1% of all Asians who suck at math.
ALEX:  Yeah, and I'm the 1% of all Jews that can't balance my checkbook.  (pause)  Our son's screwed, isn't he, Babe?
GINA:  Like a two-bit whore.

ME:  Dude!  You did NOT just pick up that cookie from the floor of the grocery store and eat it!
MY SON J:  Pfft!  It's gotta be cleaner than our floor at home.
ME:   Excuse me, you could eat off of our kitchen floor.
MY SON J:  Yeah, probably.  There's enough food down there.


Justamom said...

Ok, I love that you have taught your kids the two best christmas presents for Mothers everywhere...Once again you have proven that you ROCK...

Laura said...

Loved these! Especially Gina and Alex. Get outta your funk girl. You are fabulous!

Jennifer Clark said...

There are enough calories in dropped food under my breakfast bar to feed several starving children. It makes one despair.....

Sorry to hear than Jeremy Renner getting his ex-girlfriend knocked up has make you such a mess.

You're tough, Jen. I know you'll pull it together ;-)

Leauxra said...

And once again, your friends and kids are amazing and wonderful.

I really don't understand why the reply on that last one from you wasn't, "Hey! Guess who gets to clean the kitchen twice a week until he moves out?"

Mistyslaws said...

Hmmm, a funk you say? I think all you need is a little CHEESE to perk you up. Yep, that should really hit the spot.

Also, please tell me that quote from you about the biological clock was from like 5 years ago, because otherwise . . . is there something you're not telling me? ;)

TheOtherLisa said...

I am failing to see any whining, self-pity or pussification anywhere in this blog entry.

I enjoyed reading it. Maybe this says something about my own personality inadequacies?

Have a good weekend.

The said...

Love this.

Hope you feel unfunky soon. Keep the pussy, though. It's handy.

Also, tell Alex that people who fix shit for other people end up charging them RIDICULOUS amounts of money to do so. Have you ever needed a plumber on a Sunday? Motherfuckers are like the Mafia.

Vesta Vayne said...

I'm sorry to hear you're in a funk. But I've gotta say, 'Girls are from Virginia' is my new favorite sentence.