Wednesday, February 13, 2013

And The Grammy For Best Mash-Up Goes TO...Conversations With Jess & Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken!


JESS:  How many categories are there?  Best "Spoken Word"?  Best "Music For Visual Media".  So, now you can get a Grammy for reading your shopping list or having your song dubbed into a Geico commercial?

ME:  Where are the REAL music awards?  Like, "Best Ability To Sing In the Car and Make It Look Like You're Taking On Your BlueTooth"?

JESS:  Or, "Best Removal of CD Shrinkwrap Without Losing Your Shit"?

ME:  Or, "Best Performance: Acting Like the 'Now That's What I Call Music' CD You Just Bought Was For Your 13 Year Old and Not You".


JESS:  I don't get the whole Pitbull thing.

ME:  Umm, exCUSE me!  He's Mr. Worldwide.   Mr. 305.   And he's "overseas at about a hundred G's, fo sho".

JESS:  Yes, I'm aware.  I also understand that he's "runnin' through the world like a running back, Scarface, world's mine, runnin' back".  That doesn't change the fact that his lyrics sound like they were written by a room full of dyslexic kids on NyQuil.  I could eat a bowl of Alpha-Bits and crap out better rhymes than that.

ME:  You realize you're dead to me now.

JESS:  Have you ever watched him perform? He looks stunned the entire time, like even he can't believe the stupid crap coming out of his mouth.   And what's up with the gangsta sneer and gratuitous use of the word "dahlin'"anyway?  The dude looks less like he's taggin' gang signs in South Beach and more like he should be working the swing shift at Meineke.  

ME:  OK, I am with you on the whole "dahlin'" thing.  I mean, everyone likes a good catchphrase, but for greatest impact, they should be used sparingly, like tarragon. . .or blow jobs.

JESS:  .  .  .

ME:  What?


ME:  Huh.  I thought "The Walking Dead" didn't start until 9:00.  My bad.

JESS:  I think it's awesome that these guys are still performing. . .and breathing.   "Tiiiiiiiiime, is on their siiiiiiiiide, yes it is!"

ME:  Seriously?  Keith looks like Joan Rivers after a three-day bender.  And my homeboy Mick better take it easy up there or the only "Satisfaction" he's gonna find is some Aleve and a good chiropractor.

JESS:  Yeah, well, I think it's nice to see a band out that isn't all hopped up on anything stronger than Turning Leaf Chardonnay and Viagra.


ME:  Oh, look, it's Bruno Mars.  God, I hate that dude.

JESS:  How can you actively DESPISE anyone as bland and innocuous as Bruno Mars?  That's like hating. . .water. . .or dry toast.  It isn't disgusting, or pleasurable.  It just. . .is.

ME:  The man made millions rhyming "Snuggi" and "teach me how to Dougie"; that in and of itself is worthy of my enmity. . .

JESS:  All right, lighten up there, Simon Cowell.

ME:  . . .and then there's that "Locked Up In Heaven" song that is a completely BLATANT ripoff of EVERY Sting song ever written.  Each time it comes on the radio I want to go all "King of Pain" on Bruno with a jagged "Synchronicity" CD.

JESS:  Hey, isn't that Sting coming out to sing with Bruno Mars?

ME: .  .  .

ME:  Ettu, Gordon Sumner?  "Be Still My Beating Heart".  Oh, Sting. . .I never thought I'd see the day "I Lose My Faith In You."

JESS:  It's OK, Jen.  "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free".

ME:  But, Sting. . .I can't, I can't "I Can't Stand Losing You".

JESS:  Be strong, Jen.  Build a "Fortress Around Your Heart".


QOE said...

I know this will probably break your heart and leave you curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth like a deranged monkey...but I agree with Jess about the whole Pitbull thing. Honeychild looks like the offspring of Mr. Clean and Dr. Evil. On top of that, the Hubs and I went to the Melting Pot over the weekend (that's an overpriced but romantic fondue restaurant chain)and what to my wondering eyes should appear? A promotion to win dinner with Pitbull at a Melting Pot location in Miami. Are ya kinding me here, Mr. Worldwide? I may have about as much street cred as Malibu Barbie (who would totally cut a bitch, btw)but even my swagger quotient is higher than his.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go pop some tags with this twenty dollars in my pocket. And yes, it will be fucking awesome.

Jennifer Clark said...

"it's nice to see a band out that isn't all hopped up on anything stronger than Turning Leaf Chardonnay and Viagra"!!!!!

Just spit coffee on my keyboard. When Miles asks why the board shorted out, I'm totally blaming you!

PS: Do you still love me even if I have no clue who Pitbull is?

Laura said...

thank you Jennifer Clark. Who the Hell is Pitbull... and if it's a gold toofed rapper the the audacity to use a good southern boy word like dahlin' off with his head!

and you are totally wrong about Bruno Mars. The boy is cute. There's only one carrot and ya'll gotta share it.


Anonymous said...

One of best things about internet music downloading is avoiding the nightmare that is shrinkwrap!
I think there are far more inane musicians to get riled about than Mars. At the very least he can sing :P He's just young and not so original yet.

Anonymous said...

Actually Pitbull says 'dale' which is Spanish and means something similar to 'do it'.

And the Bruno Mars song is 'Locked Out Of Heaven'

Also I kinda agree with Jess on this, Pitbull is eyeroll inducing and Bruno Mars is just blah, but then again my taste in music is of the junk food variety.

Anonymous said...

Pitbull = bald white wannabe rapper. Just for those that had no idea.

Yeah, I could take or leave all of them. I don't watch the Grammys. Not since Michael Jackson won about a bajillionty awards for Thriller, have I even cared. Yes, I AM that old. I can't really get up the energy to watch that show and give a crap as to who wins the shiny gramophone. Damn kids these days.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get back to my quilting and watching Judge Judy. And that Metamucil ain't gonna drink itself!

Cheryl Soler said...

Pitbull: He's not saying "dahlin"! He's saying "dale" It's Spanish slang for "let's go!" or "Come on!"

Living in S. Florida for so long, I forget that not everyone here's Spanglish every day of their lives!

Laura said...

OK. Oh Hell No. I YOUTUBEd him (it)

yet another white bald rapper

1) don't like rap

2) if you're not dark meat don't pretend you are

3) shaking head... slightly Jen??? Really?

4) that's 45 second of my life I won't get back...


Cheryl S. said...

Ok. That would be not everyone HEARS Spanglish every day of their lives.

Punky Coletta said...

Too funny! Now I'll always be thinking about Pitbulls stunned face when I hear him on the radio!