Searching for Love: File Not Found

"Huh",  Kelly mused, scrolling through her phone.  "That's new."

"What's new?"  I asked, spooning another dripping spoonful of frozen yogurt into my mouth.*

*They recently opened one of those "top-your-own-frozen-yogurt" places next to my neighborhood market, and I was wicked jazzed to try it.  .  .well, I was wicked jazzed to have been given a gift card for FREE yogurt.  .  .OK, fine; I was wicked jazzed to have received the gift card from a certain market employee who looks like Ryan Gosling and smells like pine trees and rainbows, but I digress.

Kelly rolled her eyes and jammed her phone into her purse in disgust.  "I just got an email to join a dating site called 'Our Time'.  How'd I get on THAT mailing list?"

I snorted loudly, performing a yogurt and cookie crumb bukkake on the sparkling countertop.*  

*UrbanDictionary . com .   My apologies in advance.

"Dude, SERIOUSLY!?"  I chortled.  "'Our Time' is a fifty-and-over dating site!"

Kelly stared at me in astonishment, either at my statement or because she'd just seen a 42-year-old woman ingest enough sugar to keep a family of hummingbirds alive; it was difficult to say.

"Fifty and OVER!?"  she cried.  "I'm only 39!  How in hell did I get on some blue-hair dating site?"

"Been ordering Colonial Penn life insurance online lately?"  I smirked.  "Ooh!  Or maybe it was those commemorative Bea Arthur plates you bought on QVC?"

Kelly hurled a Skittle at my head with Nola Ryan-like accuracy and pushed her bowl away with a pout.  "Great.  So it's begun. . .the slippery slope to Early Bird specials and thinking that Kathie Lee Gifford is a 'real hoot'."

"Buck up, my Brave Little Toaster."  I said with a conciliatory arm pat.  "At least you can start ordering from the 'Honored Guests' menu at Shari's and buying discounted 'diabeeeeetus' supplies  when you order from Wilford Brimley's 1-800 number."

"I want to throw my water in your face so hard right now."  Kelly grumbled, raising her glass menacingly.

"Oh, Honey, no."  I said with a dismissive wave of my hand.  "This cheap-ass Wet n' Wild make up job is about as water-resistant as the Achille Lauro and NOBODY wants to see this hot mess au naturale."*

*Obscure maritime reference for the win.  I would kick so much ass on 'Jeopardy'.

"Valid point."  Kelly conceded, setting her water glass down with a satisfying 'thunk'.   "At least the ecclesiastical powers that be finally figured out that I was a godless whore and took me off of 'Christian Mingle'."

I nodded sagely.  "Yeah, they finally got the hint with me after the 666th 'unsubscribe' request I sent.  I'm sure it's a great site and lots of people have probably met three or more of their sister wives on there, but I am not looking to hook up with any guy who's interests include 'finding Jesus' face in a quesadilla and night-sticking the gays'."

Kelly snickered quietly.  "Oh, Pumpkin, I'm sure they just heard about your propensity to curse like a whore with Tourette's and wear more makeup than a Mardi Gras drag queen and thought 'maybe we can convert this poor little Mary Magdalene'."

"Well, they need to pack up their copies of Watchtower and start knocking on another door."  I concluded with a sigh.  "I'm relatively certain I'm short-listed for the next public stoning when the Book of Revelations shit goes down."

Kelly studied my face judiciously.  "I need to find you a site for soulless heretics."  she concluded.  "Or one for Republicans; but I'm relatively certain they're the same thing."

"Yuk it up, Treehugger."  I drawled with a roll of my eyes.  "There actually ARE Republican dating sites.  Which is surprising, really, when you consider that Al 'the Inconvenient Truth' Gore INVENTED the internet."

Kelly yanked her phone from her purse and began scrolling through it frantically.

"Whoa!  Slow down, Girl on Fire," I said with raised eyebrows.  "What the hell are you looking for?"

Kelly continued to tap at her phone like a stenographer on Red Bull.  "I'm trying to sign you up for a liberal vegan dating site."  she replied without looking up.  "Because I'm a giver like that."

"Yeah, that's just what I need."  I answered with a nod.  "Some crunchy twatbadger with a hemp shirt and chin pubes lying on my couch debating the merits of the free trade platypus milk at Whole Foods."

Kelly chuckled wryly.  "Well, you need SOMETHING"  she concluded.  "We're all tired of hearing you complain about being single.  You've been whining so fucking loud you make Coldplay sound like One Direction."

I shrugged noncommittally and rattled the ice in my water glass, avoiding Kelly's gaze.*

*An exercise in futility.  That girl has an uncanny ability to look right into someone's soul; like a hostage negotiator, or Michael Bolton.

"Actually. . ."  she said after a long moment.  "Actually, you HAVEN'T been complaining about being single for a while."

I shrugged again and tried to fight the smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

Kelly's mouth dropped open.  "Back.  The hell.  Up."  she cried, slapping her hand against the sticky countertop.  "You're seeing someone, aren't you?"

Meeting her gaze in silence, I finally allowed the grin to spread across my face.

"I hate your face so hard right now."  Kelly scowled.  "Why didn't you tell me?  And, wait. . .I thought you'd totally 'given up on men'."

"I did."  I answered, crunching my ice thoughtfully.  "It turns out they hadn't all given up on me."

Kelly sighed dramatically.  "So, it's just me then?  All the rest of you have living, breathing human beings and I have a computer keyboard?"

"Look at it this way,"  I said consolingly,  "carpal tunnel is a lot easier to cure than the clap."

Turns out my make up was more water resistant than I had previously thought.  Who knew?

xoxo,
Jen