Monday, February 25, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Make New Friends, But Keep the Old


ME (quizzing J. on penguins for science class):  Which one is the Emperor penguin?
MY SON J:  Umm, the biggest one; they live in Antarctica.
ME:  Good!  OK, which one is the King penguin?
MY SON J:  The second largest; they live in the south Atlantic.
ME:  Nice job!  Which one is the Adelie penguin?
MY SON J:  .  .  .
MY SON J:  The one that's "rollin' in the deep"?


GINA:  My chicken's kinda gross.  I think I'm going to send it back.
ALEX:  Babe, we're at Applebee's.  Complaining about the food at Applebee's is like complaining that the rest stop hooker wouldn't cuddle with you after sex.


KELLY:  It always skeeves me out when people refer to me as a "hands-on" parent.  If that were taken literally, I'd be in prison right now.


ANDREW:  Girls all want a man who's "dangerous".  They want us to drink hard, play hard, ride motorcycles without helmets, and rappel off of mountainsides.  They all want a bad boy.
ME:  We don't tell you to be "dangerous" because we want a bad boy.  We tell you that because we're trying to kill you.


ALEX:  Babies in strollers freak me out.  Getting wheeled around with their heads flopping all over the place and drooling on their shirts like miniature Stephen Hawkings.


KELLY:  You should totally try Cross-Fit with me.
ME:  I don't know. . .cross training didn't end all that well for Jesus so I'm gonna just let him lead by example on this one.
KELLY:  Only you could use the death of the Son of God to justify being a lazy bastard.
ME:  It's a gift.


JAKE:  You wanna hear something sad? Last night I dreamed that I was on Facebook.  I didn't dream that I was a ninja, or having sex. . .I dreamed that I was on Facebook.
ME:  Hmm, so, this morning did Facebook "poke" you and ask if you "liked" it?
JAKE:  No, but I think it wanted to have a threesome, because it kept asking if I knew this person, or this person, or this person. . .


LEE:  I think the only reason I've been married this long is because I was too fucking lazy to commit suicide.


CO-WORKER:  Do you have change for a twenty?
ME:  Pfft!  I'm gonna pop some tags; only got twenty dollas in my pocket.
CO-WORKER:  .  .  .
ME:  There is a disturbing lack of gangsta up in heah, yo.
CO-WORKER:  .  .  .


KELLY:  I need to meet a guy soon.  It's almost that time of the month.
GINA and ME:  .  .  .
KELLY:  Time to flip my mattress.


RYAN:  I don't get that Adele song "Someone Like You".  If things obviously didn't go well with the first guy, is finding someone just like him really the wisest choice?


ME:  Someday I'm going to open a mental illness themed restaurant.  Like, "The Depression Diner".  I'll have a big sign saying "Your Order Is Not Ready, Nor Will It Ever Be".
KELLY:  Or "The Anorexic Cafe": Closed 24 Hours a Day.
ME:  Or "The Schizophrenic Bistro" where the motto is: I'll Have What I'm Having.
KELLY:  Or "The Tourette's Bar & Grill".  You know your order's ready when your waitress says "Ballsack-asslicking-motherFUCKER!!!"


LEE:  It pisses me off when people talk about stuff like Sandy Hook or 9-11 and say "America lost their innocence".  Have you looked at American history?  Genocide, slavery, war, "16 and Pregnant". . .we were never all that goddamned innocent to begin with.


ME:  They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
GINA:  Huh. . .you must be "fond" as hell then, considering how many times you've been dumped.


SIGN ON TIP JAR AT FOOD TRUCK:  Just put the tip in. . .it'll feel good, I swear.





ME:  I can think of amp-le reasons wire we should continue this.
KEVIN:  We'll cause a re-volt.  Expect resistance.
ME:  I think. . .oops!  Sorry.  My previous comment must have been ohm-mitted.
KEVIN:  Ha!  Get the brownout of here before I have you charged.
ME: Socket to me, Kev.
KEVIN: I'm positive I can pylon the puns as well as you, Jen.
ME:  I'm well aware of your capicitance for humor.
KEVIN:  Aw, you're a real Joule, Jen.  So, how long do you think we can keep this up?
ME:  Not long. Maybe just Faraday or so.




11 comments:

mistyslaws said...

I would have put a HUGE tip in that jar ...

That's what HE said. ;)

You and Kevin are such science dorks. :p

Beth said...

Ha Ha!! I'm an electrical construction and maintenance major. Which means I took AC & DC theory and actually know the definitions of your little puns. That kind of made my day.

Valerie said...

I just want to hang out and listen to you and your pals. Hella clever!!

Hugs!

Valerie

Laura said...

Alex... slow clap... OMG!

GINA: My chicken's kinda gross. I think I'm going to send it back.

ALEX: Babe, we're at Applebee's. Complaining about the food at Applebee's is like complaining that the rest stop hooker wouldn't cuddle with you after sex.

Jaclyn said...

THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME

Jennifer R. Donohue said...

Your son is pretty amazing!

Jen said...

MISTY- When I posted that meme on Facebook I had one of those "Wait for it...three...two...one..." moments just KNOWING Kevin would be the first to respond. :)

BETH - Yippee! I loves me some fellow science geeks!

VALERIE - My friends are majestic. And by majestic, I of course mean baffling and profoundly disturbing.

Jen said...

LAURA- Every woman needs an Alex in their life. True fact.

JACLYN- ((curtsying daintily)) Why, thank you, milady!

JENNIFER- I have twins, Jennifer. The hits just keep on comin'. :)

Kevin said...

Jen, you know me all too well ;) Throwing science memes at me is like throwing chum in front of a shark! But you can only get one of those truly great pun exchanges going when you are crossing wits with a genius on the other side. I salute your unrefined, glorious inner geek!!

You're my pun Jen-erator.

Frances Gronlier said...

Your son is too adorable and that moment was too awesome ! LOL

Cheryl Soler said...

"I'm gonna pop some tags. . ."

And the mental illness cafe had me snorting at my desk!