Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Make New Friends, But Keep the Old

ME (quizzing J. on penguins for science class):  Which one is the Emperor penguin?
MY SON J:  Umm, the biggest one; they live in Antarctica.
ME:  Good!  OK, which one is the King penguin?
MY SON J:  The second largest; they live in the south Atlantic.
ME:  Nice job!  Which one is the Adelie penguin?
MY SON J:  .  .  .
MY SON J:  The one that's "rollin' in the deep"?

GINA:  My chicken's kinda gross.  I think I'm going to send it back.

ALEX:  Babe, we're at Applebee's.  Complaining about the food at Applebee's is like complaining that the rest stop hooker wouldn't cuddle with you after sex.


KELLY:  It always skeeves me out when people refer to me as a "hands-on" parent.  If that were taken literally, I'd be in prison right now.

ANDREW:  Girls all want a man who's "dangerous".  They want us to drink hard, play hard, ride motorcycles without helmets, and rappel off of mountainsides.  They all want a bad boy.
ME:  We don't tell you to be "dangerous" because we want a bad boy.  We tell you that because we're trying to kill you.

ALEX:  Babies in strollers freak me out.  Getting wheeled around with their heads flopping all over the place and drooling on their shirts like miniature Stephen Hawkings.

KELLY:  You should totally try Cross-Fit with me.

ME:  I don't know. . .cross training didn't end all that well for Jesus so I'm gonna just let him lead by example on this one.

KELLY:  Only you could use the death of the Son of God to justify being a lazy bastard.

ME:  It's a gift.


JAKE:  You wanna hear something sad? Last night I dreamed that I was on Facebook.  I didn't dream that I was a ninja, or having sex. . .I dreamed that I was on Facebook.
ME:  Hmm, so, this morning did Facebook "poke" you and ask if you "liked" it?
JAKE:  No, but I think it wanted to have a threesome, because it kept asking if I knew this person, or this person, or this person. . .


LEE:  I think the only reason I've been married this long is because I was too fucking lazy to commit suicide.


CO-WORKER:  Do you have change for a twenty?
ME:  Pfft!  I'm gonna pop some tags; only got twenty dollas in my pocket.
CO-WORKER:  .  .  .
ME:  There is a disturbing lack of gangsta up in heah, yo.
CO-WORKER:  .  .  .


KELLY:  I need to meet a guy soon.  It's almost that time of the month.
GINA and ME:  .  .  .
KELLY:  Time to flip my mattress.

RYAN:  I don't get that Adele song "Someone Like You".  If things obviously didn't go well with the first guy, is finding someone just like him really the wisest choice?

ME:  Someday I'm going to open a mental illness themed restaurant.  Like, "The Depression Diner".  I'll have a big sign saying "Your Order Is Not Ready, Nor Will It Ever Be".

KELLY:  Or "The Anorexic Cafe": Closed 24 Hours a Day.

ME:  Or "The Schizophrenic Bistro" where the motto is: I'll Have What I'm Having.

KELLY:  Or "The Tourette's Bar & Grill".  You know your order's ready when your waitress says "Ballsack-asslicking-motherFUCKER!!!"


LEE:  It pisses me off when people talk about stuff like Sandy Hook or 9-11 and say "America lost their innocence".  Have you looked at American history?  Genocide, slavery, war, "16 and Pregnant". . .we were never all that goddamned innocent to begin with.

ME:  They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

GINA:  Huh. . .you must be "fond" as hell then, considering how many times you've been dumped.


SIGN ON TIP JAR AT FOOD TRUCK:  Just put the tip in. . .it'll feel good, I swear.

ME:  I can think of amp-le reasons wire we should continue this.
KEVIN:  We'll cause a re-volt.  Expect resistance.
ME:  I think. . .oops!  Sorry.  My previous comment must have been ohm-mitted.
KEVIN:  Ha!  Get the brownout of here before I have you charged.
ME: Socket to me, Kev.
KEVIN: I'm positive I can pylon the puns as well as you, Jen.
ME:  I'm well aware of your capicitance for humor.
KEVIN:  Aw, you're a real Joule, Jen.  So, how long do you think we can keep this up?
ME:  Not long. Maybe just Faraday or so.