GINA: Do the cheerleaders get paid to dance at these games?
ME: Not much. But I know girls who got full rides to college for cheerleading.
KELLY: Yeah, that's just what Princeton needs -- more bulimics that can pull their ankles behind their ears.
ME (watching the 4th quarter fans): I haven't seen this many people standing up screaming "Jesus Christ!" since the Jonestown Massacre.
GUY AT PARTY: Yeah, but at least they were eventually put out of their misery.
ALEX: You know who the 9ers should use as defense? Mall-walkers. I can't get around those people for shit.
GUY AT PARTY: It's weird, we're originally from Portland, but my brother moved to SanFrancisco last year and I just moved back from Baltimore.
ME: What took you guys to opposite sides of the country?
GUY AT PARTY: Well, my brother moved to San Franciso because he's gay, and I moved to Baltimore because I'm paranoid about being killed in my sleep and that seemed like the one place where that fear would be justified.
GINA: Is football the one they call "Our National Pastime"?
KELLY: I thought "Our National Pastime" was baseball.
ALEX: I thought it was Kim Kardashian.
ALEX: Well, let's face it, she's had more pro athletes inside of her than the SuperDome and Fenway Park combined.
ME: Beyonce looks AWESOME for someone with a one-year-old baby.
GUY AT PARTY: Yeah, and in one year that kid has already achieved my two goals in life: she's disgustingly rich AND she's been inside Beyonce's vagina.
ME: ((slowly backing away))
ALEX: You know, I think I just figured out how to keep the 49ers from beating their girlfriends. Dress them in Raven's jerseys.
KELLY: I kinda wished I hadn't agreed to be these guys' designated driver. I really wanted to blow outta here early and get a haircut.
ME: They should combine a salon and taxi service so they can drive drunk people home , but stop on the way to get their hair done.
KELLY: They could call it "Dude, I'm So Buzzed".
ME: Or, "In No Conditioner To Drive".
GUY AT PARTY: Guys should just offer a girl a signing bonus when we get married. That way, when they go offsides or fumble our balls, we can just trade 'em.
ME: Is your wife here?
GUY AT PARTY: I'm not married.
ME: Get used to that.
GINA: Would you rather watch football, or have sex?
ALEX: What do you think halftime's for?
GIRL AT PARTY: I would make an awesome referee!
HER BOYFRIEND: Oh GOD no! You wouldn't just make the calls, you'd want to talk about why they happened, and how they made everybody feel. Besides, you always said stripes make you look fat.
GIRL AT PARTY: . . .
HER BOYFRIEND: I mean. . .yeah, Babe. You'd be great. . .please don't hurt me.
KELLY: If that ref's favoritism were anymore childish and obvious then Stephenie Meyer would be writing his screenplay.
GUY AT PARTY: Man, being an NFL coach would totally be my dream job. How 'bout you?
ALEX: I don't know. . .for me, the words 'dream' and 'job' don't peacefully coexist.
50-SOMETHING WOMAN AT DELI COUNTER: Why do they call them the Baltimore "Ravens" when the state bird is the Oriole?
DELI GUY: Well, "Orioles" is kinda already taken.
ME: They named the team in honor of Edgar Allen Poe. He spent the last years of his life in Baltimore.
WOMAN: Oh! Was he a bird expert?
ME AND DELI GUY: . . .
ME: Umm, no. He was a writer. He wrote a poem. . .about a raven?
WOMAN: Huh. . .what was it called?
ME AND DELI GUY: . . .
ME: "The Raven".
WOMAN (nodding thoughtfully): Hmm. ((walks away))
ME: Dude, did that seriously just happen?
DELI GUY (brandishing knife): Please, God, let me cut out her tell-tale heart.