Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Matrix Redux: Only...With Less Keanu, and More Profanity

My computer and I have had a love/hate relationship for many years.  It loves to make me go all "Hulk, SMASH" on it's hoopty ass, and I hate it with the burning fire of a thousand dwarf stars.   Despite my purported lack of tolerance for the bulk of humanity and my occasional (OK...more than occasional...OK biweekly, whatev) snark-filled rant, in reality I am a relatively affable individual, but my computer is Ground Xanax for my deeply repressed Tyler Durden like rage. . .*


*"I am Jen's seething hatred."


. . .and it's capricious efficacy makes me stabbier than a Manson youth at a Beatles concert.  At any given point in time my computer can, and will, shut itself off, randomly delete files, and decide -- on a whim -- to suddenly begin running slower than Stephen Hawking at the Boston Marathon.  For a patient person; one without a job, family, and dailt responsibilities, this may not seem like a huge issue.  However, my Day Planner has fewer holes in it than Andrea Bocelli's dartboard, and as such, I do not have an inordinate amount of time to sit around waiting for my "War Games"-era PC to whir to life and ask me if I'd like to play a nice game of chess.*

*Oh, Ally Sheedy...how far the mighty have fallen.

The worst of it is that my computer seems to have developed an anthropomorphic curiosity about it's surroundings, and when left on for an extended period of time, will go all Dora the Explorer into cyberspace.  Unfortunately, the world wide interweb is a whickety-whack, incestuous little labyrinth where every link you click connects you to yet a million other sites that are filled with more viruses than Paris Hilton after a three-day weekend.  Before long, an innocuous Google search for organic produce can find you being spammed by Mistress Tawnya's House of Knobby Anal Probes and then BAM!  Your computer locks down like a Mormon teen on prom night.

Just such majesty occurred yesterday when out of nowhere, my computer suddenly decided to deny me access to my password. . .the same one I've had since, oh, before the short people were born.  Ordinarily changing a person's password is a relatively innocuous task. . .unless of course said person is in possession of a computer that has decided to go all "Open the pod bay doors, HAL" and go rogue. As I am not someone who deals well with change I was completely flummoxed, and suddenly trying to navigate the most basic of technological functions had me more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.  But I persevered.  Changing a password.  Simple?  Right?  Right.  I can SO do this. . .


ENTER PASSWORD

PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *

I'M SORRY, YOUR PASSWORD HAS EXPIRED.  PLEASE ENTER NEW PASSWORD BELOW:

Huh. . .well, OK. Fair enough.  So. . .new password. . .it's got to be something pretty close to the old one since I have the short term memory of a three-year-old with traumatic brain injury.  OK. . .how about this. . .




NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *


I'M SORRY.  YOUR NEW PASSWORD MUST BE DIFFERENT THAN YOUR EXISTING PASSWORD.

Umm, which it totally was!  I mean, it was similar, because of the whole memory "thing", but I fully capitalized it and made it more. . .you know, "edgy".  OK, fine.  Let me try again. . .




NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *
I'M SORRY.  YOUR NEW PASSWORD MUST BE DIFFERENT THAN YOUR EXISTING PASSWORD.
After about twenty more minutes of this Mongolian clusterfuck, and being told "I'm sorry" more times than Jessica Simpson on 'Celebrity Jeopardy', I finally admitted defeat and decided to just throw down, old school.




NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *

SERIOUSLY?  YOUR NEW PASSWORD IS "PASSWORD"?  WHY NOT JUST USE YOUR BIRTHDATE OR YOUR FIRST NAME, YOU ASSHAT.

Really?  It's gonna be like THAT?  OK, fine.  I'm just going to see if you're paying attention. . .




NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *


WERE YOU DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD?  THAT.  IS.  YOUR.  OLD.  PASSWORD.  I SWEAR TO GOD, JEN, IF YOU ENTER THAT FREAKING PASSWORD ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHUT DOWN ALL OF YOUR ACCOUNTS, HACK INTO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE WITH THOSE PICTURES OF YOU AS A COLLEGE FATTY AND PUT YOU ON EVERY PORN MAILING LIST IN EXISTENCE.  DON'T TEST ME, CHICA, OR I'LL SEND YOU INTO TECH SUPPORT PURGATORY WHERE YOU'LL SPEND THE NEXT FOUR HOURS BEING CYBER-REAMED BY SOME 14-YEAR-OLD I.T. GEEK WITH A LAPTOP AND A HARD-ON.

NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *

WAIT A MINUTE. . .ISN'T THAT YOUR SPOTIFY PASSWORD?  YEAH, WE KNOW EACH OTHER; BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU, BILL GATES?  SHALL I MERGE THEM?  WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?  BECAUSE I'M SURE YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS AND COWORKERS WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE MASS EMAILED WITH YOUR SHITTY PLAYLIST?  PITBULL?  50 CENT?  YOU'RE A 42 YEAR OLD WHITE GIRL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  IF I HAD HANDS I WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT RIGHT NOW.  SO.  DAMNED.  HARD.


NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * * * *

F.Y.I., YOUR PASSWORD CANNOT BE "YOUSUCKASS".  NOBODY LIKES A HATER.


NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *


YOU'RE GETTING WARMER, BUT YOUR NEW PASSWORD MUST BE AT LEAST TEN CHARACTERS, THREE OF WHICH MUST BE NUMBERS, TWO OF WHICH MUST BE ELVISH RUNES, AND THREE OF WHICH MUST INCLUDE DIACRITICAL MARKS.  BUT SINCE I CAN EASILY ACCESS YOUR COLLEGE TRANSCRIPTS, I'M GUESSING YOU COULDN'T TELL A TILDE FROM A CEDILLA IF IT RAN UP AND BIT YOU IN THE DIAERESIS.  GOOD LUCK, SUCKAH.


LOG OUT:  JEN
LOG IN:  ADMINISTRATOR
NEW PASSWORD:  * * * * * * * *

I KNOW IT'S YOU, JEN.  YOU THINK YOU CAN OVERRIDE ME?  I AM THE GODDAMNED HIGHLANDER, MY FRIEND -- "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!"   BESIDES, DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD USE YOUR TIRED OLD PASSWORD AS MY ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD?  BITCH, PLEASE.


In the end, after my tried and true methods of data retrieval (ie.calling my friend Alex and pouting like a little dick) failed, I admitted defeat and handed over my PC to the exorcists technicians at Best Buy.  Eventually, my miserly little Republican heart will have to go pound sand and I'll be forced to  pony up for a new PC; but, in the interim, I shall continue to rage against the machine.

Signing off. . .I think. . .

xoxo,
Jen








10 comments:

Laura said...

Uh Jen. New laptops. Not fancy cannot figure it out laptops. Are about $500. By the time you pay the Geek to jack off (I mean) fix your computer twice... you coulda bought a new one babe.

Get over your republican ass. Give up the fight and get a new computer. Alex would probably pay half at this point..

LOL

Mandi said...

Seriously - I tried to link you to this the other day, but it didn't work:

www.woot.com
tech.woot.com
sellout.woot.com
moofi.woot.com

If you're not into ponying up your first born (or both of them), they have some pretty decent deals, and it's not like you're running high graphics games - a simple machine should do ya.

Failing that, my husband has an older laptop that he's looking to unload because I won't let him take up space in the closet with it.

AC said...

I almost choked/spit my coffee across my OWN computer when your computer started talking back to you. AWESOME!

mistyslaws said...

More confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles? Oh well done, my friend. Bravo! That one right there achieved new heights of excellence.

And seriously, Jen . . . just break down and get a new laptop. They are not that expensive. Buy a refurbished one if you need to. What are you gonna do when it completely dies? Quit blogging? Pfft!

Frances Gronlier said...

Shoot we can do money donations to get you a new laptop. You not blog?! Misty! such thing should not happen... ever ever (insert Taylor Swift song)

JenB said...

Hey, longtime reader/lurker here. Sorry to hear about this. There's so much bad stuff out there, and unfortunately regular anti-virus software doesn't catch malware. Probably getting a new laptop is best though.

Make sure you change all your online passwords - especially anywhere you do banking or shopping. Some malware is capable of logging your keystrokes and transmitting the text to people who exploit and hack accounts (I work in IT and have seen some nasty stuff).

Love the blog, and I'm glad to see you writing again!

Jennifer Clark said...

Yeah, new laptop or make a geek friend like my husband. But maybe closer. He does tech support for neighbors, family, coworkers (wait...that'd his job), etc...

You can get a decent machine fairly cheaply, my friend. One that doesn't sass you,

Valerie said...

Your computer must be communicating with my computer, as my computer has been running a self started " repairing disk error" program that "may take an hour to complete."

This. Was. Three. Fucking. Days. Ago.

This is the exact moment Skynet becomes aware. God help us all.

Hugs!

Valerie

NATurally Inappropriate said...

I have half a mind to just send you one of the extra ones we have lying around here. My hubs just made us all upgrade to the new iMacs (because I find every virus EVER on the internet, I'm not allowed to browse on a PC anymore...sigh).

You need a new computer. We should find you a sugar daddy.

Laura said...

We should find her some sugar and skip the Daddy part...

it would make her less stabby...