CURTIS: Have you ever watched the York Peppermint Patty ads and wondered how many of those things that poor bitch had to pretend to enjoy?
ME: They spit instead of swallow, like a good little marketing whore.
CURTIS: I like Peppermint Patties, but I can't imagine eating THAT many of them.
ME: Meh, I've put worse things in my mouth for less money.
CURTIS: . . .
ME: That sounded a lot less slutty in my head.
CURTIS: It always does, Sweetie.
ME: Holy CRAP! Gas prices are ridiculous right now!
KELLY: Yeah, but when you think about it, gas is made from fossil fuels; so you're really buying liquified pterodactyls and velociraptors and Jurassic Park shit like that.
ME: Dude, that's totally worth it.
KELLY: I know, right?
ME: Why do people say "sleeps like a baby" meaning you sleep all night? That's a crock. I really do sleep like a baby: irrational, drooling, and waking up hungry every three hours.
JODIE: Did you get my Facebook message?
JODIE: Hmm...it was a group message to you and Noelle and Beth.
ME: Nope, never got it.
JODIE: I wondered why I didn't get a response from any of you.
ME: Oh, THAT message. Yeah, we got it. . .but we all hate you.
JODIE: Well, clearly.
ME: In fact, just last night, Noelle wrote "Jodie is a fugly slut" in our Burn Book.
JODIE: Well, I wrote that she was a grotsky beeyotch.
ME: At least she never made out with a hot dog, like Beth.
JODIE: We quote "Mean Girls" far more than any women our age have a right to.
ME: Boo, you whore.
GINA: Last week my doctor asked me if Alex and I are sexually active. Umm, hello! I just had a baby, for God's sake; no we aren't sexually active. .we're not even socially active. . .Jesus, we're so tired we aren't even active, period.
KELLY: Euw! Some guy on Match.com keeps sending me messages and he's 65 years old!
ME: What did he say? "Girl, you'd better hand me my oxygen tank, 'cuz you take my breath away."
GINA: Or, "Someone hit my Life Alert button, 'cuz I've fallen for you and I can't get up."
KELLY: I hate you both.
JAMES: I totally wasn't worried about the Apocalypse because the date on my cheese said "Expires in January, 2013". Ha! Laughing Cow:1, Mayans: 0.
LYNN (referring to 'Toddlers & Tiaras'): What's the difference between 'Universal Royalty' and 'Universal SUPREME Royalty'?
ME: The addition of sour cream and tasty guacamole?
CURTIS: If a 'cockblock' is when a girl's friend keeps her away from a guy who's trying to get some, what do you call it when the guy's friend is keeping him from a girl who's trying to get some?
MICHELLE: I don't know. . .a 'beaver dam'?
ME: Ben & Jerry's needs to get away from these cheesy, PC names like "Cherry Garcia" and "Phish Food" and start naming their flavors something more applicable to their target market. Like. . ."Alimony Cone-y".
KELLY: Or, "Spumoni On Your Own-y"?
ME: Or, "He's Just Not That Mint-o You"?
KELLY: I prefer the classic, "He Can Go Fudge Himself".
ME: Want to hang out with me and the short people this weekend? We're going to the Children's Museum.
HOLLY: I would, but I hate the thought of seeing all of those children on display in those glass cases.
ME: Which, of course, begs the question: if you go to the Evergreen Air and Space Museum, is it just really empty and breezy inside?
ALEX: What the hell? When did they stop serving the deep-fried buffalo wings here? ((sigh)) Guess I'm just going to have to go back to killing myself with alcohol.
ME: They need to update some of these cartoons. Like, "Dora, the Internet Explorer".
CORY: Pfft! That crazy bitch would just go searching in all the wrong places and crash before she hit the troll bridge.