Thursday, April 4, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: Conversations at New Seasons

CURTIS:  Have you ever watched the York Peppermint Patty ads and wondered how many of those things that poor bitch had to pretend to enjoy?
ME:  They spit instead of swallow, like a good little marketing whore.
CURTIS:  I like Peppermint Patties, but I can't imagine eating THAT many of them.
ME:  Meh, I've put worse things in my mouth for less money.
CURTIS:  . . .
ME:  That sounded a lot less slutty in my head.
CURTIS:  It always does, Sweetie.

ME:  Holy CRAP!  Gas prices are ridiculous right now!

KELLY:  Yeah, but when you think about it, gas is made from fossil fuels; so you're really buying liquified pterodactyls and velociraptors and Jurassic Park shit like that.  
ME:  Dude, that's totally worth it. 
KELLY:  I know, right?

ME:  Why do people say "sleeps like a baby" meaning you sleep all night?  That's a crock.  I really do sleep like a baby: irrational, drooling, and waking up hungry every three hours.

JODIE:  Did you get my Facebook message?

ME:  No.
JODIE: was a group message to you and Noelle and Beth.
ME:  Nope, never got it.
JODIE:  I wondered why I didn't get a response from any of you.
ME:  Oh, THAT message.  Yeah, we got it. . .but we all hate you.
JODIE:  Well, clearly.
ME:  In fact, just last night, Noelle wrote "Jodie is a fugly slut" in our Burn Book.
JODIE:  Well, I wrote that she was a grotsky beeyotch.
ME:  At least she never made out with a hot dog, like Beth.
JODIE:  We quote "Mean Girls" far more than any women our age have a right to.

ME:  Boo, you whore.

GINA:  Last week my doctor asked me if Alex and I are sexually active.  Umm, hello!  I just had a baby, for God's sake; no we aren't sexually active. .we're not even socially active. . .Jesus, we're so tired we aren't even active, period.

KELLY:  Euw!  Some guy on keeps sending me messages and he's 65 years old!

ME:  What did he say?  "Girl, you'd better hand me my oxygen tank, 'cuz you take my breath away."
GINA:  Or, "Someone hit my Life Alert button, 'cuz I've fallen for you and I can't get up."
KELLY:  I hate you both.

JAMES:  I totally wasn't worried about the Apocalypse because the date on my cheese said "Expires in January, 2013".  Ha!  Laughing Cow:1, Mayans: 0.

LYNN (referring to 'Toddlers & Tiaras'):  What's the difference between 'Universal Royalty' and 'Universal SUPREME Royalty'?
ME:  The addition of sour cream and tasty guacamole?

CURTIS:  If a 'cockblock' is when a girl's friend keeps her away from a guy who's trying to get some, what do you call it when the guy's friend is keeping him from a girl who's trying to get some?
MICHELLE:  I don't know. . .a 'beaver dam'?

ME:  Ben & Jerry's needs to get away from these cheesy, PC names like "Cherry Garcia" and "Phish Food" and start naming their flavors something more applicable to their target market.  Like. . ."Alimony Cone-y".
KELLY:  Or, "Spumoni On Your Own-y"?
ME:  Or, "He's Just Not That Mint-o You"?
KELLY:  I prefer the classic, "He Can Go Fudge Himself".

ME:  Want to hang out with me and the short people this weekend?  We're going to the Children's Museum.
HOLLY:  I would, but I hate the thought of seeing all of those children on display in those glass cases.
ME:  Which, of course, begs the question: if you go to the Evergreen Air and Space Museum, is it just really empty and breezy inside?

ALEX:  What the hell?  When did they stop serving the deep-fried buffalo wings here?  ((sigh)) Guess I'm just going to have to go back to killing myself with alcohol.

ME:  They need to update some of these cartoons.  Like, "Dora, the Internet Explorer".
CORY:  Pfft!  That crazy bitch would just go searching in all the wrong places and crash before she hit the troll bridge.


Maggi Shelbourn said...

Love this stuff! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

One of the Sarahs said...

Is there an acronym for the little snorty sounds you wind up making when you're trying not to lol in your cubicle at a hilarious blog post you weren't supposed to be reading in the first place?

Laura said...

KELLY: Euw! Some guy on keeps sending me messages and he's 65 years old!
ME: What did he say? "Girl, you'd better hand me my oxygen tank, 'cuz you take my breath away."
GINA: Or, "Someone hit my Life Alert button, 'cuz I've fallen for you and I can't get up."
KELLY: I hate you both.

LMAO. Daughter says MOM... at the skating rink there were these adorable boys attempting to hit on us... "adorable" dear? yes they were like 7 or something. Ok... what did they say...

they skated by me and my friends and said... Girl did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away...

I said honey... he will still think that line will work when he is 45 and not so "adorable"

Well you know mom... my sage 14 y/o says... Boys are weird.


Valerie said...

When you put it in dinosaur terms, it really seems like quiet the bargain...



Chillin'Villain said...

Well, you'd think if he's fallen for her, then he'd be able to get it up...but then again, the poor guy is in his 60s...