AT THE PIONEER CEMETERY, LOOKING DOWN AT A TOMBSTONE ENGRAVED "1883". . .
ME: Oh, that's so cool! Somebody left flowers.
BRANDON: That's so sweet! Do you think it was his wife?*
*Dumber than a bag o' hair but good Lord that boy's pretty to look at.
KELLY (staring at the can of dog food in her hand): Oh my God. . .I just realized that 'dog food lid' spelled backward is 'dildo of god'. What does that mean?
ME: It means that you're probably going to hell.
ME: Oh my gosh, what a pretty dog! What breed is he?
GUY AT PARK: Half pitbull, half retriever.
GINA: Aren't pitbulls really violent?
ME: Not really. But then again, if the pitbull half rips your arm off, the retriever half will bring it back to you.
ME: These days "getting lucky" on a date means I find my car in the parking lot afterward.
KELLY: Bitch, please. The closest I've come to oral sex is talking about how long it's been since I've gotten it.
GINA: Oh my God! A spider! I hate spiders! Kill it! KILL IT!!!
KELLY: No! Don't kill it! Spiders are good insects; they kill the bad ones.
GINA: Yeah, that's kind of like saying, "Let's keep a murderer in the guest room because they always shank the child molesters on the inside". I don't want either one of those motherfuckers in my house.
KELLY: Justin's guinea pig is making this weird wheezing noise, I need to take it into the vet.
ALEX: Wait. . .you're taking a guinea pig to the vet? That's like taking a disposable razor to the repair shop. Just let it go, man. . .let it go.
ME: You know, I find it rather ironic that we're now allowing armed guards in schools but still won't allow prayer. Because I can guaran-frickin-tee you that the second some asshat in a trenchcoat busts into the teacher's lounge with a 12 gauge and a hard-on, I'd be on my knees screaming "OH, GOD!" faster than a whore when the rent is due.
ALEX: Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say, but I figure the benefits of releasing all of that negative energy far outweighs the cost of hurting someone else's feelings. Empathy is highly overrated.
GINA: Oh shit! Is that a cop behind me?
ME: No, it's just campus safety.
GINA: What does campus "safety" do?
ME: I don't know, pull you over for sitting too close to the TV? Cite you for running with scissors?
ALEX: I had a lot of trouble in school when I was a kid because of my dyslexia; or, as I like to call it, my xilsdyea.
MY SON, M: What's for dinner, Mommy?
MY SON, M: What's casserole?
MY SON, J: It's French for "Mommy didn't go shopping this week".
GINA: I don't get these "today I marry my best friend" wedding announcements. Your husband should NOT be your best friend. Your best friend should be the one you call to bitch about your husband.
ME: Did you send me flowers for Mother's Day?
HOLLY: No, I'm your sister. Why would I do something nice for you?
ME: Valid point. Weird. There was a card and a message attached, but no name.
HOLLY: That's sweet. . .creepy, but sweet. Wait. . .there weren't carnations and ferns in it, were there?
ME: No. . .why?
HOLLY: Because nothing says "I spent most of my money on chloroform and duct tape" like cheap-ass carnations. And if there's baby's breath, then he's definitely planning to make a skin suit out of your torso.
ME: . . .
HOLLY: Are you there, Clarice?
ME: Just waiting for the lambs to stop screaming.