Monday, May 13, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken (Alternate Title: Why I Need New Friends)




AT THE PIONEER CEMETERY, LOOKING DOWN AT A TOMBSTONE ENGRAVED "1883". . .

ME:  Oh, that's so cool!  Somebody left flowers.
BRANDON:  That's so sweet!  Do you think it was his wife?*

*Dumber than a bag o' hair but good Lord that boy's pretty to look at.


KELLY (staring at the can of dog food in her hand):  Oh my God. . .I just realized that 'dog food lid' spelled backward is 'dildo of god'.  What does that mean?
ME:  It means that you're probably going to hell.


ME:  Oh my gosh, what a pretty dog!  What breed is he?
GUY AT PARK:  Half pitbull, half retriever.
GINA:  Aren't pitbulls really violent?
ME:  Not really.  But then again, if the pitbull half rips your arm off, the retriever half will bring it back to you.


ME:  These days "getting lucky" on a date means I find my car in the parking lot afterward.
KELLY:  Bitch, please.  The closest I've come to oral sex is talking about how long it's been since I've gotten it.


GINA:  Oh my God!  A spider!  I hate spiders!  Kill it!  KILL IT!!!
KELLY:  No!  Don't kill it!  Spiders are good insects; they kill the bad ones.
GINA:  Yeah, that's kind of like saying, "Let's keep a murderer in the guest room because they always shank the child molesters on the inside".  I don't want either one of those motherfuckers in my house.


KELLY:  Justin's guinea pig is making this weird wheezing noise, I need to take it into the vet.
ALEX:  Wait. . .you're taking a guinea pig to the vet?   That's like taking a disposable razor to the repair shop.  Just let it go, man. . .let it go.


ME:  You know, I find it rather ironic that we're now allowing armed guards in schools but still won't allow prayer.  Because I can guaran-frickin-tee you that the second some asshat in a trenchcoat busts into the teacher's lounge with a 12 gauge and a hard-on, I'd be on my knees screaming "OH, GOD!" faster than a whore when the rent is due.


ALEX:  Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say, but I figure the benefits of releasing all of that negative energy far outweighs the cost of hurting someone else's feelings.  Empathy is highly overrated.


GINA:  Oh shit!  Is that a cop behind me?
ME:  No, it's just campus safety.
GINA:  What does campus "safety" do?
ME:  I don't know, pull you over for sitting too close to the TV?  Cite you for running with scissors?


ALEX:  I had a lot of trouble in school when I was a kid because of my dyslexia; or, as I like to call it, my xilsdyea.


MY SON, M:  What's for dinner, Mommy?
ME:  Casserole.
MY SON, M:  What's casserole?
MY SON, J:  It's French for "Mommy didn't go shopping this week".


GINA:  I don't get these "today I marry my best friend" wedding announcements.  Your husband should NOT be your best friend.  Your best friend should be the one you call to bitch about your husband.


ME:  Did you send me flowers for Mother's Day?
HOLLY:  No, I'm your sister.  Why would I do something nice for you?
ME:  Valid point.  Weird.  There was a card and a message attached, but no name.
HOLLY:  That's sweet. . .creepy, but sweet.  Wait. . .there weren't carnations and ferns in it, were there?
ME:  No. . .why?
HOLLY:  Because nothing says "I spent most of my money on chloroform and duct tape" like cheap-ass carnations.  And if there's baby's breath, then he's definitely planning to make a skin suit out of your torso.
ME: . . .
HOLLY:  Are you there, Clarice?
ME:  Just waiting for the lambs to stop screaming.









11 comments:

Abby said...

No, you don't need new friends, as I enjoy reading these recaps entirely too much. It made me realize I'M the one who needs new friends, those boring bastards. Then again, that would require being social, so...yeah. I'll just keep living through you. Carry on!

Jennifer R. Donohue said...

I kind of love your friends, not gonna lie. But, I guess that's one reason I keep coming back here!

Jennifer Clark said...

Gina and Holly talk about serial killers for the win!

You little clique is too funny. I wanna party with you guys!

Kimmy D said...

That's back to back Hannibal Lecter reference oriented posts . . I'm frightened for you. Hahaha

mistyslaws said...

Ok, now I need to know what creepster sent you flowers. It wasn't me, in case you are wondering. Although, I WOULD do something nice for you, I was totally not getting my ass in gear last week enough to send anything to anyone. Not even my OWN mother.

And by the way . . . WORD to the best friend vs. husband thing. So. Much. Word.

Emma said...

Too funny - my sister once refused to accept a delivery of flowers because they contained baby's breath!

Andrea said...

Alex? With the release of negative energy? I am not sure if it is good or bad that that particular notion has been seconded for me!

Valerie said...

Seriously... My husband could never be my best friend. I think you have to understand how a period cycle works before that's even allowed.

Hugs!

Valerie

Jaime S said...

I think your friends are perfect just the way they are... I DO think that you guys need your own sitcom.

Emma said...

Hi Jen Emma here 4.00am in Sydney - finally had the baby a beautiful girl we have called Anastasia - all is well and wonderful however the baby's godfather brought flowers with you guessed it baby's breath!

tbunni said...

Your friends are great, but I LOVE your sons. You are raising some ridculously great smart-asses... And the world may be saved for another generation...