Monday, June 24, 2013

Depression hurts. Jodi Arias can help.

Seeing as I have been trapped under an overwhelming pile of “meh” lately, I have had zero motivation to write, read, exercise, or do anything requiring greater effort than opening a box of Wheat Thins.  When I am depressed, my energy drains faster than the L.A. power grid, and what little ‘juice’ I have is reserved for loving and caring for my short people.*

*And personal grooming, because being depressed is no excuse for bad hair, people.

Suffice to say, once the shorties are in bed, my evenings consist of lying on the couch, crying like a fat girl at a Bieber concert and watching my already abysmal taste in television programming nosedive like a Uruguayan aircraft into a snowy mountaintop.  I have always been a big fan of any show like “Bridezillas” or “Intervention” that makes me feel so much better about myself as a person, but when I’m feeling particularly self-loathing, there is no better remedy than some true crime.*

*And if the show involves a “re-enactment” replete with puerile scripting and ham-handed attempts at acting?  L-O-V-E.  If that shit doesn’t crack open the safe where you lock away your joy then you need to lube up the dial a little, Betty Buzzkill.

I have always had a sick fascination with the macabre.  “Snapped” on Oxygen?  You go, girls.  Serial killers?  Can’t get enough.  Mass cult-related genocide?  Pass the Kool-Aid.  In fact, the other day someone asked me, “Do you want to hear something totally jacked up?” and the first thought that shot through my mind was “Why, yes. . .yes, I do”.  And for the record, starting ANY conversation with that query will instantaneously garner my full and undivided attention.*

*You had me at ‘hello’.

In general, my penchant for true crime drama is limited to Ann Rule biopics and shitty LifeTime movies, but every now and then I like to find my moral ‘line in the sand’ and crush it into oblivion just to remind myself that it still exists.  And that is where the Investigation Discovery channel sashays into the picture.

Most people either don’t watch or admit to watching Court TV and Investigation Discovery (IDTV) trial coverage because of that whole. . .oh, what do you call it. . .dignity and self-respect thing.  Yeah, I don’t have that.  What I DO have is a white trash streak a country mile wide, coupled with a curiosity so morbid it would make Stephen King flinch.  Generally, IDTV focuses on the more obscure stalker-y crimes and ‘love triangles gone wrong’, but for the last few months I have had the singular joy of watching the coverage of the Jodi Arias trial.

For those of you who are ‘so 2000 and late’ or who actually have active social lives and haven’t been following the trial with the veracity of Nancy Grace on crystal meth, Jodi Arias was apparently dating  Travis Alexander for four months before he broke up with her.  Arias then proceeded to stalk Alexander, hacking into his Facebook account, breaking into his home, and slashing his tires.  When her batshit crazy douchebaggery acts of seduction were fruitless, Arias sauntered into Travis Alexander’s bathroom, where she then shot him in the head, stabbed him 27 times, cut his throat, and left him to bleed out in the shower. . .after she took a few photos.   I get it.  We’ve all had our hearts broken.  We’ve all had those break-ups that make us feel just two boiled bunnies away from going the full Glenn Close, but for the love of the Baby Jeebus that is some jacked up Hitchcock shit right there, y’all.

Initially, Jodi Arias told the court that she’s been violently abused by her parents, and then claimed that she suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder from Travis Alexander insisting on zip-tying her to a tree and cornholing her while she wore a Little Red Riding Hood costume.*

*I swear to God, you can’t make this shit up.

Apparently, the only recourse when one’s boyfriend wants to go all Big Bad Wolf on your ass in some “Once Upon a Time” fantasy is to bludgeon, shoot, and repeatedly stab them. . .while taking pictures. . .good to know. 

I get that Jodi Arias probably had a pretty whickety-whack childhood, and Travis Alexander may have had more kinks than an arthritic contortionist, but I find it very hard to believe that EVERYONE who has “issues” resorts to homicide.  Whenever someone stabs their ex-boyfriend in a shower stall, or opens fire in a high school cafeteria, the first thing the expert witnesses claim is that it’s because they had a troubled childhood.  Bitch, please.  My sister used to give me so many wedgies that I have the Underoos logo permanently embedded in my perineum and you don’t see me making a skin suit out of my neighbor’s torso.  So when the ACLU proves that they don’t have A-C-L-U-E by attempting to acquit some crazy son of a bitch for, oh. . .I don’t know. . .drowning their children in the back of a station wagon or sinking their pregnant wife in the San Francisco Bay because Uncle Eddie gave them the “bad touch”, I get a little “judgy”.

Now that Jodi Arias is enjoying an indeterminate vacation at La Casa Grande, she has plenty of time to market her line of “Survivor” T-shirts and ball caps, the proceeds of which, she claims will go to “stomp out domestic violence”.*

*Her choice of words. . .no, the irony is not lost on me either.

Arias also offered to cut off all of her hair this week to donate to Locks of Love.  Now, color me malignant, but I would rather go around with my hairless chemo-coif shining bright like a diamond than slap ANY of her crazy on my head.   At least she’s making an effort, desperate as it may be, to try to redeem her name.  But in the end she is what she is: fodder for voyeuristic jackals like myself who need to point fingers at the miscreants of this world to feel just a little better about our own indiscretions.

Do I think Jodi Arias is a troubled individual?  Absolutely.  Do I also think she’s crazier than a shithouse rat?  Hell to the yeah.  But it’s people like her, and Scott Peterson, and Charlie Manson, and Casey Anthony that make me feel a little more sane in this insane world.  And these last few weeks I’ve needed that.  Now, someone hand me the remote; that episode of “Swamp Murders” ain’t gonna watch itself, yo.




Pat said...

I personally think ID is a vastly underrated network. Nothing brightens up my day like a quick dip in the rich and crazy pool with Dominick Dunne, even if I've already seen all his shows. Might I suggest a gem I just recently discovered? Wives with Knives. Oh yeah. All kinds of crazy up in there (or as we say here "y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!").

Cheryl Soler said...

First, I will proudly admit that I've read every serial killer book I can get my hands on and I love IDTV. (But my husband loves it more, which makes me a little nervous. . . )

Anyway, I'm totally with you on Jodi Arias. You know you're F**KED when your parents won't testify against you having to sit in Ole Sparky! She's a complete nut.

Glad you're starting to feel better!

Mandi said...

I should totally hook you up with my Netflix login info so that you can get all the psycho documentary that you can handle. The ones about HH Wells were particularly gruesome.

Valerie said...

If people are allowed together away with murder because of some fucked up childhoods, I no longer need to actually wait til the Zombie Apocalypse to shoot the people theat are on the People I Will Shoot in the Head Once the Zbie Apocalypse Starts Whether or Not they've Been Infected List

Because one time, my mom didn't let me have desert. And she never bought the fun cereals for breakfast.



Jennifer R. Donohue said...

Don't worry, I hear that Locks of Love doesn't actually give all that much of the hair they receive to cancer patients. I haven't really investigated further into the veracity of that statement.

Jaime S said...

my two new addictions this week, "Whodunnit" and "Naked and Afraid" should check them out.

mothers little hleper said...

i wish we had IDTV here!
love the way you write..... 'crying like a fat girl at a bieber concert' priceless.

Andrea said...

I fear I lost some/most/all of my faith in humanity halfway thru the Toddlers and Tiaras marathon...clearly I need to diversify!

Jennifer Clark said...

I used to watch my mother chase my father with a butcher knife clenched in her upraised fist, shrieking, "I'll kill you, you son-of-a-bitch!!!" Despite this, I feel absolutely zero urge to boil my children or set fire to my husband.

Peoples is messed up, yo.

Laura said...

Sweetie. You needed to check out "The Following".


Cult Followers kill everyone in sight. Based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe and a bat shit crazy lit professor.

If you have on demand or net flicks you can probably still catch it.

THIS is the PERFECT show for you! :)

Many many many people have had fucked up childhoods and survived them, became productive citizens...

and then someone told them to go to therapy and THOSE people have told everyone they are the product of their fucked up childhood and that is why we have a pill to "fix" everything.

When I was a kid my parents had a fix for everything. It was called suck it up buttercup. Life is a bitch, then you pay taxes and DIE.