BRANDON: Jace kept bragging about some sorority girl he nailed last week. I’m all, “Dude, bragging about screwing a sorority girl is like bragging about getting a pack of Skittles from the vending machine. There’s no skill involved; if you give it money it’s pretty much a sure thing”.
ALEX: Why do you call everybody ‘mate’?
CO-WORKER: I spent a lot of time in Australia as a child.
ALEX: So? I grew up in New York; you don’t hear me calling everybody ‘motherfucker’.
MISTY: How appalled would people be if I wrote a satire piece on my blog about Hitler?
ME: Well, I’m laughing my ass off at that question alone.
MISTY: Yes, but you’re an asshole, as am I. Do you see my dilemma?
ME: I say go for it. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
MISTY: Ahh, the mantra of assholes everywhere.
KELLY: I knew it was time to quit drinking when I'd wake up in the morning and there was broken shit everywhere and fast food wrappers from places I didn't even remember going to.
ME: Why is it that people never do anything good or productive when they black out? Like, "Man, that was a crazy night...wait...did I file my taxes?"
KELLY: "Who left the 'Insanity' DVD in the player and why do my quads look so ripped?"
ME: "I don't remember anything after that fourth shot but my upholstery looks fabulous!"
MY SON, J (singing Rihanna's 'Hopeless Place'): "We found a lump in a horse's leeeeeeeeg...we found a lump in a hooooorse's leg!"
GINA: I’m always too cold. You know, I’d probably be the world’s worst hooker. I’d always be like, “Seriously, I’ll blow you for free; just let me sit in your car and warm up for a minute”.
ME: I should totally be able to get out of a speeding ticket when I have two screaming kids in the backseat.
GINA: Oh please. Based on your argument, I should be able to evade a reckless driving charge because I'm Asian.
KATE: And I should be able to dodge a DUI because I'm Irish.
ALEX: Choosing between New Seasons and Whole Foods is like the Portland hipster version of Sophie's Choice.
GIRL AT MALL #1: I would, like, NEVER want to be pregnant. The only time I’d want to be pregnant is if I was, like, trying to quit drinking or something.
GIRL AT MALL #2: Totally! ‘Cause rehab is, like, really expensive. Oh, wait. . .but then you have a baby and you can’t go out, or see your friends, or party, or. . .
GIRL #1: Oh my God! Having a baby is totally like having a DUI! I’m just going to keep drinking. . .and, you know, not get pregnant.
GIRL #2: You are SO smart.
JESS: Have you seen Callie these days? She's gained some weight.
ME: How much weight? On a scale of 1 to 10. . .
JESS: . . .she's a 747.
KELLY (at bookstore): Umm, maybe it's just me, but if someone is already depressed, is calling them a 'dummy' really going to help?
ME: When's your birthday?
GIRL ON CAMPUS: November 25th.
ME: What year?
GIRL ON CAMPUS: Well. . .every year.
ME: Please tell me you're sarcastic.
GIRL ON CAMPUS: No. . .Sagittarius.
ALEX: There's a huge difference between nerds, geeks, and dorks. A nerd is someone who knows a shitload about stuff nobody else cares about, a geek is someone who knows a shitload about stuff everyone's embarrassed to admit they care about, and a dork. . .well, they're just losers, so they're fair game.
KELLY: How come the IKEA catalogs don't show the real story? Pictures of screaming married couples stabbing each other with Allen wrenches amidst a pile of tear-stained Swedish kindling.
BRANDON: Wow, it's really stormy out there.
ME: Yeah, I hope we don't lose power.
BRANDON: That would suck. What if we have to go to the bathroom?
BRANDON (rolling eyes): Well, if the power goes out, the toilets won't flush.
ME: . . .
ME: Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you'd gotten enough oxygen at birth?