Monday, June 10, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and my Friends

BRANDON:  Jace kept bragging about some sorority girl he nailed last week.  I’m all, “Dude, bragging about screwing a sorority girl is like bragging about getting a pack of Skittles from the vending machine.  There’s no skill involved; if you give it money it’s pretty much a sure thing”.

ALEX:  Why do you call everybody ‘mate’?
CO-WORKER:  I spent a lot of time in Australia as a child.
ALEX:  So?  I grew up in New York; you don’t hear me calling everybody ‘motherfucker’.

MISTY:  How appalled would people be if I wrote a satire piece on my blog about Hitler?
ME:  Well, I’m laughing my ass off at that question alone.
MISTY:  Yes, but you’re an asshole, as am I.  Do you see my dilemma?
ME:  I say go for it.  Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
MISTY:  Ahh, the mantra of assholes everywhere.

KELLY:  I knew it was time to quit drinking when I'd wake up in the morning and there was broken shit everywhere and fast food wrappers from places I didn't even remember going to.
ME:  Why is it that people never do anything good or productive when they black out? Like, "Man, that was a crazy night...wait...did I file my taxes?"
KELLY:  "Who left the 'Insanity' DVD in the player and why do my quads look so ripped?"
ME:  "I don't remember anything after that fourth shot but my upholstery looks fabulous!"

MY SON, J (singing Rihanna's 'Hopeless Place'):  "We found a lump in a horse's leeeeeeeeg...we found a lump in a hooooorse's leg!"

GINA:  I’m always too cold.  You know, I’d probably be the world’s worst hooker.  I’d always be like, “Seriously, I’ll blow you for free; just let me sit in your car and warm up for a minute”.

ME:  I should totally be able to get out of a speeding ticket when I have two screaming kids in the backseat.
GINA:  Oh please.  Based on your argument, I should be able to evade a reckless driving charge because I'm Asian.
KATE:  And I should be able to dodge a DUI because I'm Irish.

ALEX:  Choosing between New Seasons and Whole Foods is like the Portland hipster version of Sophie's Choice.

GIRL AT MALL #1:  I would, like, NEVER want to be pregnant.  The only time I’d want to be pregnant is if I was, like, trying to quit drinking or something.
GIRL AT MALL #2:  Totally!  ‘Cause rehab is, like, really expensive.  Oh, wait. . .but then you have a baby and you can’t go out, or see your friends, or party, or. . .
GIRL #1:  Oh my God!  Having a baby is totally like having a DUI!  I’m just going to keep drinking. . .and, you know, not get pregnant.
GIRL #2:  You are SO smart.

JESS:  Have you seen Callie these days?  She's gained some weight.
ME:  How much weight?  On a scale of 1 to 10. . .
JESS: . . .she's a 747.

KELLY (at bookstore):  Umm, maybe it's just me, but if someone is already depressed, is calling them a 'dummy' really going to help?

ME:  When's your birthday?
GIRL ON CAMPUS:  November 25th.
ME:  What year?
GIRL ON CAMPUS:  Well. . .every year. 
ME: Please tell me you're sarcastic.
GIRL ON CAMPUS:  No. . .Sagittarius.

ALEX:  There's a huge difference between nerds, geeks, and dorks.  A nerd is someone who knows a shitload about stuff nobody else cares about, a geek is someone who knows a shitload about stuff everyone's embarrassed to admit they care about, and a dork. . .well, they're just losers, so they're fair game.

KELLY:  How come the IKEA catalogs don't show the real story?  Pictures of screaming married couples stabbing each other with Allen wrenches amidst a pile of tear-stained Swedish kindling.

BRANDON:  Wow, it's really stormy out there.
ME:  Yeah, I hope we don't lose power.
BRANDON:  That would suck.  What if we have to go to the bathroom?
ME:  What?
BRANDON (rolling eyes):  Well, if the power goes out, the toilets won't flush.
ME:  . . .
ME:  Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you'd gotten enough oxygen at birth?


Gia said...

ha! I like the "every year" comment. It's almost clever, if it didn't come from a place of stupidity...

Anonymous said...

Oh man. That girl on campus. ((facepalm))

Is this the first time I'm part of your stupid friends list? I can't remember if you've thrown me in there before or not. Well, if so . . . I am honored to be amongst the stupid friends elite. Great company.

Kat said...

To be fair to Brandon, if you grew up with well water, rather than city water, you really can't flush the toilets unless you first fill the tank with a bucket of the water you filled your bathtub with when you heard there was going to be a storm. The toilets don't operate on power, but the pump for the well does. If he didn't grow up "country" tho, he has no excuse.

TheChickIsRight said...

I totally dig the IKEA comment. The only good thing to come out of that store is the meatballs. Love those things.

What I want to know is what sadistic, misanthropic motherfucker is responsible for crafting the "instructions" on how to put those craptastic pieces of "furniture" together... Whoever it is needs to have their heart dug out with a rusty spoon. I'd bet money they are in some sort of Swedish witness protection program out of sheer necessity. Just sayin'. :-)

Laura said...

I am waiting for Jen to say ...

Kat... he grew up in NYC.


Jen said...

Actually, he grew up in L.A. ((facepalm))

tbunni said...

1) Snorted iced tea over two of these (you'd think I'd learn not to read and drink, but you'd be wrong.)

2) Please, please, please, pleeaasseee may I borrow the "enough oxygen at birth"? I have neither your witty friends or nor their (and your) fabulous repartee... And I know so many people who won't even understand it...

Jennifer Clark said...

I stand in awe of the awesomeness that is you and your friends. Really. My life has no equal.

Brian R. Christensen said...

These are all like, you know, super funny and stuff!

They made me laugh so hard, I felt like I was, like, drunk. Or maybe pregnant. But not pregnant AND drunk. Because, you know, that's like really dangerous.

Chillin'Villain said...

That was actually one of the most intelligent things I've prob ever heard a collegian say....Sadly...

I actually wrote a satirical essay about Hitler on the writing portion of my SATs, which had relevance to one of the prompts, and received a score of ZERO on it. Went on to submit it to scholarships and even revamped it as a college entrance essay (most of which I got and all of which I got into). Lesson learned: Do whatever the hell makes you happy.

Valerie said...

If the girl on campus was really being sarcastic, it would have been clever... But turns out she was just embarrassing the human race in front of the aliens who are observing us. ANAL PROBES FOR EVERYONE!!!