It seems like every blogger I love has had their fair share of demons riding their backs. I once said that bloggers were those children on the playground sitting atop the jungle gym screaming "LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE!" but in actuality, most of us were that child sitting off wondering "What's wrong with me?" and some of us never stopped.
Many of you, as I, are fans of the bloggers Dooce, Hyperbole and a Half, and the great Blogess. All of them brilliant, all of them talented, all of them plagued by depression. While I in no way equate myself with their level of brilliance, I too have struggled with depression in the past, and because of some recent events and a "where-the-fuck-did-that-come-from?" recurrence of my PTSD, I am struggling with it today.
For me, my depression does not (fortunately) affect my daily life. I am still extremely productive at work, care for and provide a loving and safe environment for my children, and maintain a facade in public that belies what is simmering underneath. Last night at my neighborhood market, a favorite employee hugged me and said "You always look so happy! And you are always doing nice things for other people!" And I thought, yes. . .I always LOOK so happy. I smile, I laugh, I joke, and if you ask how I am, I am always "fine". . .except that I'm not. I smile and laugh so that people won't ask me what's wrong because in truth, I don't know. I have an amazing life. I have two beautiful children, a loving and supportive family, friends who will go to the mat for my any time, and I job that I adore. And yet there is this emptiness inside of me that yanks at my heart and is slowly draining my spirit. I find myself crying at the oddest moments, and in the middle of a crowded room I will be hit by a wave of loneliness that sucks the breath from my lungs. "Yes," I want to say, "Yes, I look so happy because I don't want you to know how I really feel. And yes, I try to always do nice things for other people because I can't bear the thought of anyone else feeling this worthless and alone."
Some people have asked me who my blog posts have been so sporadic, and while I hedged around with "I've been busy. . .I've been travelling. . .Mercury is in retrograde. . .blah, blah, blah. . ." in truth I just don't feel like writing, or eating, or sleeping, or doing much of anything these days.
I know these feelings will pass, as they always have, but in the meantime, please be patient with me. I will still be here; I'll still be writing, but maybe just once a week for a while, until I can shake this monster, and remember who I am again.
Be kind to yourselves.