PATTI ("Insane in the Mom-Brain"): The first rule of hotel hallway bathrobe karate dance club is you don't talk about hotel hallway bathrobe karate dance club.
ME: Seriously? Is that restaurant really called 'Pizza DUI'?
ELIZABETH ("Flourish in Progress"): What? Where?
JOHI ("Confessions of a Cornfed Girl"): Jen, that says 'Pizza Due'.
ME: Oh. That makes the drive-through window significantly less awkward.
ZAKARY ("Raising Colorado"): God punishes crafters. That's why that bitch Martha Stewart went to prison.
ANNOYING BLOGGER ON SHUTTLE BUS: My family has soooooo many connections in Chicago. We, like, built this city. Do you see that building? My grandfather designed that building.
JOHI: My grandfather built that building...by hand.
ME: My grandfather created every brick in that building out of unicorn bones and the blood of the immigrants.
JOHI: My grandfather would have done that, but he was busy being the King of Chicago.
ME: My grandfather could beat up your grandfather.
WOMAN IN ELEVATOR: What time zone is Chicago in?
HER FRIEND: Central. Same as where we live.
WOMAN: Oh. So what time is it there?
FRIEND: Girl, you done got your weave on too tight!
LESLIE ("The Bearded Iris"): Is it weird that I'm taking pictures of my business card in people's cleavage?
LAUREN ("Spill the Beans"): Does anyone know how to hail a cab?
ME: Absolutely. ((hiking up my skirt and shoving my boobs out))
CAB DRIVER: Where you headed?
LAUREN: Your breasts have magical powers.
ME: I've been told they can heal the blind.
ELIZABETH: I just tell people, 'Look, if you're friends with my daughter, or play on her soccer team, or teach at her school then just don't follow me on Pinterest or Instagram 'cuz you ain't about that life'.
BLOGGER #1: I need to find an ATM before we go to dinner.
BLOGGER #2: Don't you have any cash?
BLOGGER #1: Dude, it's Friday. The only people who still have cash by Friday are bartenders and strippers.
WOMAN ON THE PHONE: Hi, Honey, how are the kids?. . .Oh, no, I'm totally shitfaced from doing Jell-O shots off of some guy's ass. What are you all up to?
GIRL DOING DEMONSTRATION AT EXPO: Now, I'm going to perk up her lashes with what I call an "eyelash curler". . .
ME: What she calls an eyelash curler? Doesn't everybody call it that?
WOMAN NEXT TO ME: I know I do. I think it even says it on the package it came in.
ME: I'll have to check when I get back to what I call a "house" and look in what I call a "bathroom".
SU ("The Su Niverse"): I accidentally used the toilet stall in the men's bathroom. Which I only realized after I walked back past the urinal to wash my hands. And then a man came in. While I was still at the sink. So, yeah. I'm making a great impressioneverywhere!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Jen, turn a little to the right. Wendi, step closer...now put one hand on her back...now tilt your head to the left...
WENDI ("Reno 911" and "Bridesmaids"): I feel like we're at prom.
ME: Yeah, except neither one of is is getting bombed on wine coolers and getting laid behind the gym.
WENDI: Well, I don't know about your night.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome to Portland, Oregon, and thank you for flying American Airlines. If you enjoyed your flight today, my name is Jessica and I'm happy to have served you. If you did NOT enjoy your flight today, then my name is Angela and we will never speak of this unpleasantness again.