Thursday, July 11, 2013

Conversations With Jess: My So-Called Life

ME: Are you guys staying cool down there?

JESS: Trying to.  We have the wading pool in the back for the kids, and Sean got one of those Sanford and Son window AC units, but it's not a lot of help.

ME: Do you at least get a good breeze at night?

JESS: I wouldn't know.  We can't leave our windows open at night.

ME: Why not?

JESS: Unfortunately we live in a crappy part of San Jose.

ME: Which part is that?

JESS: San Jose.

ME: Oh, come on!  Saint Josie’s not that bad.

JESS: It’s not that it’s bad, per se.  It’s just. . .erratic.  Even the more ‘upscale’ neighborhoods are good-block-bad-block.  Like in my ‘hood, we have an upscale organic market with a wine bar right next to what I’m relatively certain is a meth lab. 

ME: How do you know it’s a meth lab?  Bags of fertilizer and a pit bull on a chain outside the door?

JESS: No, I can just tell. Sure, the sign on the door says ‘Artisanal Cheese’ but the people hanging out there look like extras from a Tech N9ne video.

ME: You’re paranoid.

JESS: I am not!

ME: Are you or are you not the one who thought the building next to your old place was a meth lab?

JESS: It was!

ME: Dude, it was a ‘Babies ‘R Us’.

JESS: Well, that’s just the perfect cover now, isn’t it?

ME: I can’t believe that was just said to me in a room with air in it.

JESS: Seriously, though.  This city is going to shit.  Every other building is a free clinic or a ‘Cash 4 Gold’. 

ME: I don’t understand how those places make money.  Are there really that many people walking around with a surplus of gold on their person at any given point in time?  What is their target demographic?  Mister T?  Long John Silver back from a day of plunder?

JESS: One can only imagine.  So, how are things going with that guy you started dating?

ME: I thought it was going well.  But then I informed him that, no, I would not sleep with him after two dates so he informed me that this was obviously a “waste of his fucking time” and became yet another member of the Insane Clown Posse that makes up my dating history.

JESS: Well, what about that other guy, John?

ME: Oh, you mean the one that saw my picture, made a date with me and then called the day before the date and said he’d – and I quote – found someone he was a LOT more physically attracted to?  Let me tell you, the feeling of hearing that statement is the equivalent to being slapped in the face with a syphilitic badger.  That shit changes you.

JESS: Boo.  He’s obviously a total narcissist.  You lived with a textbook one for almost eleven years, do you really want a repeat of that Lifetime Movie of the Week?

ME: No, but it’s still a solid roundhouse kick to the ego.  Meh. . .whatev.  I’ll just stay single.  No biggie.  It has its upsides.

JESS: Such as?

ME: I can watch ‘Hoarders’ marathons without anyone saying shit, when the short people aren’t home I can have Wheat Thins and Slurpees for dinner with total impunity, and in the colder months I can go for DAYS without shaving my legs.  It’s really quite liberating.

JESS: And the downside?

ME: I die alone.

JESS: Oh. . .well, yeah. . .there's that.

ME: And unfortunately, now that we're out of the apartment, it'll take a lot longer for the smell of my decomposing corpse to waft over to the neighbors.  It could take weeks.

JESS: You've obviously put a great deal of thought into this.

ME: I watch a lot of CSI.

JESS: It shows.  Do you have the short people this weekend?

ME: No, they're going to Gil's.

JESS: So, what's the master plan?

ME: Going out with Curtis on Friday, then I thought I'd spend the duration of the weekend wallowing in self-pity.

JESS: Oh, fuck that noise.  You need to have a plan.  Schedule some activities.  Keep yourself busy. Write out a list of fun projects and outings that will jam-pack your weekend and keep you from going all Adele on me.

ME: Ease up there, Rainman; not everyone shares your pathological need for schedule and structure.  Sometimes I just want to lie on my couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “He’s Just Not That Mint-o You”,  paddle the pink canoe, and watch ‘Duck Dynasty’ until I lose consciousness.  No shame.

JESS: That is so pathetic it’s sad. . .it’s ‘patheti-sad’.

ME: Hey, you have your coping mechanisms, I have mine.

JESS: Bitch, please.  How many coping mechanisms does it take to get over a bad date?  I’ve erased most of my first marriage with a couple of gin and tonics and a McFlurry.  Suck it up, Buttercup.

ME: Wow, thanks for the support, Dr. Phil.

JESS: Tough love, my friend.  And, not to be an asshole, but. . .

ME: Too late.

JESS: Bite me.  Anyway, I did tell you I thought it was a little soon for you to start dating after your last relationship.

ME: Relationship?  Is that what that was?

JESS: Relationship, class-4 hurricane. . .to-may-to, to-mah-to.  Anyhoo, you need some healing time, my dear.  Go shopping with Curtis.  Let Kelly take you on one of her Shackleford-esque hikes.  Stand outside Powell's Books with Gina and mock the hipsters.  THAT'S what you need right now, not another asshole who's going to take a dump on your self-esteem.

ME: You're right.  I know you're right.

JESS: Of course I'm right.  Was there ever any doubt?

ME: OK, let's not rub it in too much, Smug-dot-org.

JESS: Dot-org?

ME: Smug-dot-com was already taken by Kelly.

JESS: I knew I liked that girl.

ME: OK, peace out.  I'm gonna go lie in bed and cry myself to sleep.

JESS:  Well, at least you have a plan.  Love you, Freakshow.

ME: Love you too, Beeyotch.




TheChickIsRight said...

You know, I'm not really surprised that there are such twatwaffles and ass-hats in the world... what surprises me is the rate at which they seem to be multiplying, and that just doesn't make sense to me.

It's awesome that you have such wonderful friends to help keep you grounded. And you live in Portland, OR - the best place on earth to people watch and mock hipsters - so, thing's aren't all bad. :-)

Sorry if this is a touch rambling, a little sleep deprived today and my focus is fucked...

Long story short? Thank you for another great post! :-)

Janene said...

Some summer nights, I can't leave my windows open, either. Not because my neighbourhood has gone to hell, but because of skunks. Skunks and graveyards don't mix, apparently. Makes sense, really: now that you're dead, you can fuck with the skunk by scaring the shit out of him. Best part of the deal is that you don't have to soak in tomato juice because, hello, waify spirit!

Anonymous said...

All of that stellar advice sounds vaguely familiar. Hmmm . . . ;)

Laura said...

Ok... I have not dated in a LONG time... due to my NEVER SAY DIE LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND of 25 fucking years.

that said... Where. In. The. Hell. do you find these men? OMG is it really that bad out there?

Perhaps I will just stay with the grumpy old man... sometimes the other side of the fence looks good and then I think... WTF? you are nearly 50 your boobs nearly touch your knees and while you've recently begun working out and all... You had two children, and enjoy your beer/wine/booze so you have a tummy ROLL. I am not saying I am hideous... but... who are you fucking kidding here...

Sorry... I took a train to somewhere else... What I DO NOT GET is that you are very very pretty. You have a beautiful smile, a rocking figure (I've seen pictures, we've never actually met) so... unless those pics are not you... I really really don't get it.

Maybe just hit the sight for "bang a hot" and have your self a weekend that you'll never forget, never repeat, but be SO MUCH less frustrated on Monday :)

Or the Ben and Jerry's thing... either way... have a good weekend!

Erica B said...

There's this joke I heard when I was in high school: How are men like parking spots?
all the good ones are taken and the ones left are all handi-capped.

Seems accurate.

Over in the Lawsbian Awesomeness group on FB (as in the Bloggess, not Jennifer Lawrence) one of the the members discovered a dating website for people with medical conditions. God only knows what type of dating websites are out there!