ME: Are you guys staying cool down there?
JESS: Trying to. We have the wading pool in the back for the kids, and Sean got one of those Sanford and Son window AC units, but it's not a lot of help.
ME: Do you at least get a good breeze at night?
JESS: I wouldn't know. We can't leave our windows open at night.
ME: Why not?
JESS: Unfortunately we live in a crappy part of San Jose.
ME: Which part is that?
JESS: San Jose.
ME: Oh, come on! Saint Josie’s not that bad.
JESS: It’s not that it’s bad, per se. It’s just. . .erratic. Even the more ‘upscale’ neighborhoods are good-block-bad-block. Like in my ‘hood, we have an upscale organic market with a wine bar right next to what I’m relatively certain is a meth lab.
ME: How do you know it’s a meth lab? Bags of fertilizer and a pit bull on a chain outside the door?
JESS: No, I can just tell. Sure, the sign on the door says ‘Artisanal Cheese’ but the people hanging out there look like extras from a Tech N9ne video.
ME: You’re paranoid.
JESS: I am not!
ME: Are you or are you not the one who thought the building next to your old place was a meth lab?
JESS: It was!
ME: Dude, it was a ‘Babies ‘R Us’.
JESS: Well, that’s just the perfect cover now, isn’t it?
ME: I can’t believe that was just said to me in a room with air in it.
JESS: Seriously, though. This city is going to shit. Every other building is a free clinic or a ‘Cash 4 Gold’.
ME: I don’t understand how those places make money. Are there really that many people walking around with a surplus of gold on their person at any given point in time? What is their target demographic? Mister T? Long John Silver back from a day of plunder?
JESS: One can only imagine. So, how are things going with that guy you started dating?
ME: I thought it was going well. But then I informed him that, no, I would not sleep with him after two dates so he informed me that this was obviously a “waste of his fucking time” and became yet another member of the Insane Clown Posse that makes up my dating history.
JESS: Well, what about that other guy, John?
ME: Oh, you mean the one that saw my picture, made a date with me and then called the day before the date and said he’d – and I quote – found someone he was a LOT more physically attracted to? Let me tell you, the feeling of hearing that statement is the equivalent to being slapped in the face with a syphilitic badger. That shit changes you.
JESS: Boo. He’s obviously a total narcissist. You lived with a textbook one for almost eleven years, do you really want a repeat of that Lifetime Movie of the Week?
ME: No, but it’s still a solid roundhouse kick to the ego. Meh. . .whatev. I’ll just stay single. No biggie. It has its upsides.
JESS: Such as?
ME: I can watch ‘Hoarders’ marathons without anyone saying shit, when the short people aren’t home I can have Wheat Thins and Slurpees for dinner with total impunity, and in the colder months I can go for DAYS without shaving my legs. It’s really quite liberating.
JESS: And the downside?
ME: I die alone.
JESS: Oh. . .well, yeah. . .there's that.
ME: And unfortunately, now that we're out of the apartment, it'll take a lot longer for the smell of my decomposing corpse to waft over to the neighbors. It could take weeks.
JESS: You've obviously put a great deal of thought into this.
ME: I watch a lot of CSI.
JESS: It shows. Do you have the short people this weekend?
ME: No, they're going to Gil's.
JESS: So, what's the master plan?
ME: Going out with Curtis on Friday, then I thought I'd spend the duration of the weekend wallowing in self-pity.
JESS: Oh, fuck that noise. You need to have a plan. Schedule some activities. Keep yourself busy. Write out a list of fun projects and outings that will jam-pack your weekend and keep you from going all Adele on me.
ME: Ease up there, Rainman; not everyone shares your pathological need for schedule and structure. Sometimes I just want to lie on my couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “He’s Just Not That Mint-o You”, paddle the pink canoe, and watch ‘Duck Dynasty’ until I lose consciousness. No shame.
JESS: That is so pathetic it’s sad. . .it’s ‘patheti-sad’.
ME: Hey, you have your coping mechanisms, I have mine.
JESS: Bitch, please. How many coping mechanisms does it take to get over a bad date? I’ve erased most of my first marriage with a couple of gin and tonics and a McFlurry. Suck it up, Buttercup.
ME: Wow, thanks for the support, Dr. Phil.
JESS: Tough love, my friend. And, not to be an asshole, but. . .
ME: Too late.
JESS: Bite me. Anyway, I did tell you I thought it was a little soon for you to start dating after your last relationship.
ME: Relationship? Is that what that was?
JESS: Relationship, class-4 hurricane. . .to-may-to, to-mah-to. Anyhoo, you need some healing time, my dear. Go shopping with Curtis. Let Kelly take you on one of her Shackleford-esque hikes. Stand outside Powell's Books with Gina and mock the hipsters. THAT'S what you need right now, not another asshole who's going to take a dump on your self-esteem.
ME: You're right. I know you're right.
JESS: Of course I'm right. Was there ever any doubt?
ME: OK, let's not rub it in too much, Smug-dot-org.
ME: Smug-dot-com was already taken by Kelly.
JESS: I knew I liked that girl.
ME: OK, peace out. I'm gonna go lie in bed and cry myself to sleep.
JESS: Well, at least you have a plan. Love you, Freakshow.
ME: Love you too, Beeyotch.