Monday, July 1, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: Abandon Hope All Ye Who Are Easily Offended

MAN INSTALLING MY FRENCH DOORS: It was hard to dig out the old caulk; you see, once caulk has been in for a while it gets really stiff. In fact, we had to push pretty hard to get the new caulk in. . .ma'am? Are you OK?
ME: ((snicker! chortle!)) Umm. . . ((heh! heh!)) What was that part about the stiff caulk again?

GINA (at Home Depot):  Valspar?  Oh my God, isn't that herpes medication?!?
ME:  Valspar's a paint brand...what are you talking about?  Wait.  Do you mean Valtrex?
GINA:  Are you sure it's not Valspar?
ME:  Oh, sure.  Because nothing treats an outbreak of the herp like a layer of high gloss latex house paint.

MY SON, J(holding up a balloon): Mommy! Uncle Curtis! I came up with an inflating spell! "Abra Cadabra! Expecto In-FELLATIO!!!"
ME: Umm, Babe? You might not to yell that in the middle of the store.
J: Why?
ME: Weeeeeelllll, it contains a word that. . .umm. . .it's a bad word, Honey.
CURTIS: Don't listen to your mother, J.  It's a good word. . .it's a very, very good word.
ME: You're paying for his therapy.

KELLY:  Ooh!  Turn it up!  I LOVE Chris Brown!

GINA:  Umm, excuse me, but he beats women.
ME: Meh...just Rihanna.
GINA:  Seriously, Jen?
KELLY:  Oh, please.  If smacking that crazy chick around helps him lay out those sick beats then I'll hold the bitch down myself.
GINA:  Oh my God...
ME:  Did someone say "extended dance mix"?  Get the bat!
GINA:  Pull over...I'm walking.

MY SON, M:  Mommy, why do you always tell people about my autism?

ME:  Well, it helps them be more understanding when you do or say things that they might think are weird or rude.
M:  What about J?
ME:  There's no excuse for J.

BRANDON:  Here.  I brought you an Egg McMuffin.  I know you don't eat when you're all depressed and shit.
ME:  Thanks, B.
BRANDON:  You know what else is good when you're feeling bad?  A nice, spicy Mexican sausage.
ME:  Seriously, Martinez?  Does that ever work on women?
BRANDON:  You'd be surprised.
ME:  I weep for my gender.

GUY WITH CLIPBOARD ON CAMPUS:  Excuse me!  Do you have time to hear about some crucial global issues?

COWORKER (holding up the 7-11 Slurpee and hotdog in his hands):  Obviously I don't give a shit about myself, so what makes you think I care about whatever YOU'RE gonna tell me?

ME:  It just sucks.  Every time I think of him with his girlfriend I feel like crying.

KELLY:  Buck up, my Brave Little Toaster.  Remember the old saying:  "Don't cry because it's over. . .smile because his girlfriend has a fat ass and bad hair".

BRANDON:  What the hell are you doing with my GPS?

ME:  Trying to see if it'll help take me down to the Paradise City.
BRANDON:  Seriously?
ME:  Oh, come on!  Like you've never tried it!
BRANDON:  My ride only goes to Rack City, Rack, Rack, Rack City, Bitch.
ME:  Well played, my friend.

ME (reading the bottle of Tylenol):  If I could "keep away from children" I wouldn't have a fucking headache in the first place.

GIRL AT RESTAURANT:  I like my men like I like my weekends: long, full of booze, and gone in two days.

Happy Monday, y'all.  And if you have a moment, please give a shout out to the most amazing short people ever to grace the planet Earth.  11 years ago today, my boys J and M were born and turned my world from black and white to brilliant technicolor.  I love you boys with all my heart and soul.  xoxo


kady said...

Happy happy birthday guys! (sorry I couldn't come up with a more thoughtful or creative wish but I've only had one sip of my coffee so far. And I apologize for my lack of punctuation Jen but the comma key on my laptop is stuck. I alzo have to purpozely mizzpell every word with an ezz in it and then uze zpellcheck to fix it becauze my ezz key iz gone too)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs, that was exactly what I needed this morning. Happy birthday, J and M!

Justamom said...

Happy Birthday guys! Thanks for all the laughs. Keep Momma Crazy, we need the comic relief.

Maggi Shelbourn said...

Tons of Birthday wishes for J and M. Short people rock!

Tiffany said...

These "stupidest things" updates are among the best things on the internet. They're up there with damnyouautocorrect's best-of lists.

And happy birthday to your boys!

Jennifer R. Donohue said...

"There's no excuse for J"


Mothers litte hleper said...

Happy birthday to your short people. In Asia and n the Indian way of things, we also always congratulate the mothers on another year of living with your well done Jen!

Valerie said...

Happy Birthday Rad Little Dudes!!



Devon Mum said...

Happy Birthday Mini Men! Keep being awesome! Give your mama lots of hugs because she makes so many people smile and laugh!

Unknown said...

You flat out rock

The Cotton Floozy said...

Stiff caulk! Are you sure the guy wasn't Tobias Funke?

Nadine Nell said...

when you put it like that... i think i am ok with chris brown now. it was just rihanna after all.