ME: ((snicker! chortle!)) Umm. . . ((heh! heh!)) What was that part about the stiff caulk again?
GINA (at Home Depot): Valspar? Oh my God, isn't that herpes medication?!?
ME: Valspar's a paint brand...what are you talking about? Wait. Do you mean Valtrex?
GINA: Are you sure it's not Valspar?
ME: Oh, sure. Because nothing treats an outbreak of the herp like a layer of high gloss latex house paint.
MY SON, J(holding up a balloon): Mommy! Uncle Curtis! I came up with an inflating spell! "Abra Cadabra! Expecto In-FELLATIO!!!"ME: Umm, Babe? You might not to yell that in the middle of the store.
ME: Weeeeeelllll, it contains a word that. . .umm. . .it's a bad word, Honey.
CURTIS: Don't listen to your mother, J. It's a good word. . .it's a very, very good word.
ME: You're paying for his therapy.
KELLY: Ooh! Turn it up! I LOVE Chris Brown!
GINA: Umm, excuse me, but he beats women.
ME: Meh...just Rihanna.
GINA: Seriously, Jen?
KELLY: Oh, please. If smacking that crazy chick around helps him lay out those sick beats then I'll hold the bitch down myself.
GINA: Oh my God...
ME: Did someone say "extended dance mix"? Get the bat!
GINA: Pull over...I'm walking.
MY SON, M: Mommy, why do you always tell people about my autism?
ME: Well, it helps them be more understanding when you do or say things that they might think are weird or rude.
M: What about J?
ME: There's no excuse for J.
BRANDON: Here. I brought you an Egg McMuffin. I know you don't eat when you're all depressed and shit.
ME: Thanks, B.
BRANDON: You know what else is good when you're feeling bad? A nice, spicy Mexican sausage.
ME: Seriously, Martinez? Does that ever work on women?
BRANDON: You'd be surprised.
ME: I weep for my gender.
GUY WITH CLIPBOARD ON CAMPUS: Excuse me! Do you have time to hear about some crucial global issues?
COWORKER (holding up the 7-11 Slurpee and hotdog in his hands): Obviously I don't give a shit about myself, so what makes you think I care about whatever YOU'RE gonna tell me?
ME: It just sucks. Every time I think of him with his girlfriend I feel like crying.
KELLY: Buck up, my Brave Little Toaster. Remember the old saying: "Don't cry because it's over. . .smile because his girlfriend has a fat ass and bad hair".
BRANDON: What the hell are you doing with my GPS?
ME: Trying to see if it'll help take me down to the Paradise City.
ME: Oh, come on! Like you've never tried it!
BRANDON: My ride only goes to Rack City, Rack, Rack, Rack City, Bitch.
ME: Well played, my friend.
ME (reading the bottle of Tylenol): If I could "keep away from children" I wouldn't have a fucking headache in the first place.
GIRL AT RESTAURANT: I like my men like I like my weekends: long, full of booze, and gone in two days.
Happy Monday, y'all. And if you have a moment, please give a shout out to the most amazing short people ever to grace the planet Earth. 11 years ago today, my boys J and M were born and turned my world from black and white to brilliant technicolor. I love you boys with all my heart and soul. xoxo