Friday, August 23, 2013

Reason #463 Why I'm Glad I Have Boys

"So, what are you going to do?" Gina asked, leaning her slim arms on the countertop.

"I don't have a fucking clue."  Kelly said with a sigh.  "I mean, he may not even know what's going on. . .at least, I HOPE he doesn't know what's going on because that brings things to a Vladmir Nabokov level of 'Euw'."

To get you up to speed, last week Kelly and I picked up her 14-year-old daughter and two of her friends from cheerleading practice.  On the ride home all three girls were discussing a fellow squad member who was "obsessed" with her mother's boyfriend.

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"What do you mean 'obsessed'?"  Kelly inquired.

Sophie rolled her blue eyes dramatically. "Ohmigod, Mom, it's sooooooo weird!  She has, like, a bazillion pictures of him on her phone and she's always writing his name on her hands and talking about how cute he is and how hot he is and how she loves to snuggle with him on the couch and how she can't wait to get home and see him.  It's like, really creepy."

"Did you hear her talking about his butt the other day?"  Sophie's friend Hanna piped in while furiously texting on her iPhone.*

*Please explain why a 14-year-old has a nicer phone than me?   Bitch.

Kelly squinted dubiously.  "Wait. . .what?  What exactly did she say, Hanna?"

Forced to pry her eyes from her phone, Hanna sighed wearily.  "It was totally sketch, Mrs. L.  She was all 'he has such a cute ass, and I love summer because he has his shirt off all the time'."

"Oh, BARF!"  their friend Chloe chimed in.

"Barf squared."  Hanna agreed.

"W-w-w dot barf dot org."  Sophie concluded with a sage nod.

"Nice one, Soph."  I replied proudly, reaching over the seat to give her a congratulatory fist bump.

Kelly cleared her throat in annoyance.  "Can we stay focused here?  If half of what you're saying is true then someone needs to talk to this girl's mom."

Hanna, back to texting furiously, tossed back her curly blonde hair.  "Her mom totally wouldn't care, Mrs. L.  She's like, a total hippie.  She's probably into free love, or whatever."

"Either way," Kelly mused with a furrowed brow, "either way, someone has to have a serious talk with that girl."

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"So, you didn't talk to the mom or the boyfriend yet?"  Gina gasped.  "What in hell are you waiting for?" 

Kelly turned her gaze to me coolly.  "Care to explain, Jen?"

I took a swig of my coconut water and politely flipped Kelly the bird.  "Let's just say that when we went to practice the following day, Miss Sophie pointed out the Lolita in question."

"And?"  Gina asked with a raise of her perfectly arched brows.

"And", I continued.  "I knew her.  I mean, I knew WHO she was."

Gina stared, uncomprehendingly.  "OK.  So, you knew her. . ."

"Well, I didn't really know her," I elaborated,  "but I know her mom's boyfriend. . .that is, I knew her mom's boyfriend."

"Wait a minute."  Gina said with a shake of her head.  "What do you mean you knew her mom's boyfriend?"

I set my drink on the counter with a nervous smile.  "I mean, I knew him.  Like, knew him, knew him."

Gina gasped.  "You mean you knew him..."

"Dude no! Not in a Book of Leviticus sense." I cried. "He used to live at my old apartment complex."

"But at the same time,"  Kelly spoke out, "someone HAS to tell the mom what in hell is going on before this kid is all up on him like Charlie Sheen on an eight-ball of Columbian snow.  I mean, we all know how this will end, I've seen that shitty Alicia Silverstone movie."

I waved a hand in confusion.  "You're going to have to clarify your pop culture references, Kell.  Saying 'shitty' and 'Alicia Silverstone movie' in the same sentence doesn't exactly narrow it down."

"Ooh!  I know the one you're talking about!"  Gina squealed.  "That's the one where she was, like, thirteen and was all obsessed with the hot guy living on the guest house and she tried to kill his girlfriend by locking her in a shed with killer bees and she knocked her friend off of a horse and bludgeoned her dad with a nine iron.  Right?"

"Daaaaaaamn!"  I cried.  "Who knew Cher Horowitz was so angsty?"

Kelly smirked.  "She was a lot more angsty before she went militant vegan and started regurgitating her kid's food.   But, anyway, yes.  That's the movie.  And while I'm quite sure the girl on Sophie's squad probably doesn't have access to an apiary or an Appaloosa, the end result will be similar.  You just can't argue with the ultimate law of the universe."

"Which is?"  I inquired.

"Bitches be trippin'." Kelly stated with a sage nod.

Gina shook her head sadly.  "I don't know, Jen.  If you know this dude you really ought to mention something to him."

Kelly heaved a sigh, hoisting herself up from the barstool.  "No, Geen, we're gonna leave Jen out of this one.  trust me, she doesn't need any additional crazy in her life."*

*Still not sure if I should be comforted or offended by that statement.  I'm opting for comforted.  I've found that the key to positivity is self-delusion.

Gina seemed dubious.  "Well, what would YOU want, Kelly?  If Sophie was hot for your live-in boyfriend, would you want to know?"

"First of all,"  Kelly clarified, "I would not have a man living under the same roof with my teenaged daughter until I had both a wedding ring and a background check, and secondly, if Sophie looked anything like this girl I'd have her wear a burka til she was thirty."

"Pretty hot?"  Gina asked.

Kelly nodded.  "Gorgeous.  Long blonde hair,the body of a 21-year-old swimsuit model and a rack that we'd all stomp puppies for."  She paused. "Well, maybe not Jen.  Jen's rack is pretty epic."*

*She's right.  My rack is spectacular.  I'm told it can heal the blind.

"You do have a great rack."  Gina conceded.  "I'm surprised you don't dress sluttier than you do.  If I had your funbags I'd be walking around in a tube top in the dead of winter."

I shook my head solemnly.  "I couldn't do that, Geen.  You don't understand what it's like to wield this majesty.  Like it says in the Bible, 'with great power comes great responsibility'".

She tilted her head in confusion.  "Wasn't that Stan Lee?"

"Hey, you have your god, I have mine."  I smirked.

Kelly threw a napkin at me in frustration.  "Can we PLEASE stay on track here?  Clif's Notes version: hot teenaged girl lusting over guy living in her house.  Two other impressionable younger daughters in the house as well. Mom may or may not have a clue.  So, I talk to the coach...then what?"

"Then...nothing."  Gina responded.  "There's nothing you CAN do.  Mom can't watch her daughter 24/7 and if she thinks there's some sketchy shit going on then she'll either kick him out or look the other way.  You have no control over that."

"Oh, she won't kick him out."  I laughed.  "He's hot, and she's a 40-year-old single mom with three kids.  She isn't stupid; she knows what the market is like for women in our demographic.  He could light her on fire and she wouldn't leave him."

Kelly groaned and slumped back onto the barstool, burying her face in her hands.  I leaned against her, patting her hair consolingly.  "Buck up, My Brave Little Toaster.  You can't throw all of the starfish back into the ocean."  She looked up at me wearily.

"I'd just like to keep the underaged starfish from winding up pregnant or giving handjobs at a freeway rest stop by the time they're sixteen."

"And that's why I'm glad I have boys".  I smiled.  "With boys you only have to worry about one penis.  With girls, you have to worry about ALL of them."


PS:  Kelly talked to the coach.  Apparently other parents had spoken to her as well.  I don't know what the end result will be but I'm praying that this little girl comes through it unscathed.


Lynne B said...

As a mother of girls I am less than comforted by this post. Thank you for Friday morning ineffectual angst. Congratulations on your kids' penises.

Jennifer Clark said...

"Barf squared" indeed!

Ah, sometimes it sucks to be the adult in the room. I'm glad several talked to the coach. Hopefully, the coach doesn't puss out and clues in the mom.

We had to rat out my kid's friend for smoking weed daily and drinking with another friend. The boy is on serious meds for serious ADHD (really, it's bad) and his dad came down on him like a ton of bricks. The boy doesn't speak to my son any more, though the kid who the supplier has gotten over it. I felt badly about crashing the friendship, but felt I had to let his dad know, particularly for medical reasons. And I'd want to know if my kid was being that risky/stupid. Which is the whole point. Teenagers, even the best of 'em, can do some incredibly stoopid shit. It's sorta not their fault; between the hormone-poisoning and their brain totally re-wiring themselves during adolescence, and the social pressures of high school, even the very smart ones can do appallingly dumb stuff.

Good on Kelly for speaking up. Hope it doesn't bite her on the ass.

Jennifer R. Donohue said...

Wow, that's some situation. I really do hope that the involved parties come out all right.

Hopefully, hopefully, it's just a teenage girl-crush (I think we know what those are like) and the dude isn't a total sketchball. And the mother is some kind of responsible.

Erica B said...

jeezus. I hope it all works out- in a good way.

Not sure what I would do, but like you we have used that line about only having to worry about 1 penis (per kid, that is)

Jennifer Clark said...

PS: I have 3 beautiful daughters. Thanks so much for making me feel good about that. ((ppphhhhhhpppt!)