ME: What are you going to order?
GINA: Ummm...probably the pa-ELL-a.
ME: I think it's pronounced "paella".
GINA: Bite me, Dora the Explorer. You can't make me speak Spanish. I didn't press '2'.
ALEX: I feel sorry for women with big breasts. How will they ever know if they're really witty and interesting?
GIRL AT BOOKSTORE: We had my entire family in town for Rosh Hashana. It was crazy. Like...a total Jew-bilee.
GIRL'S FRIEND: That's how it is at my house during Ramadan. Only, less Jew-bilee and more Allah-palooza.
MY SON J: Mommy, I got a microwave burrito but I threw away the wrapper. Will you google how long I need to cook it?
ME: . . .
MY SON J: What?
ME: Nothing, Sweetie. Just thinking about how much money I'll save on your college tuition.
JESS: Are you doing the Portland Marathon again this year?
ME: Nah. Lately, for me running is like dating or watching the Academy Awards. After about two hours, I lose interest.
ME: I don't understand Groupon.
KELLY: It's like food stamps for middle-class white people.
BRANDON: People who hand out stickers and toothbrushes for Halloween aren't doing it because they want your kids to be healthy. They're doing it because they hate your kids but don't have the balls to poison their Skittles.
ME: Did you know that at the Bejing Zoo they show the pandas porn to get them to mate?
GINA: Like, human porn? Or panda porn?
ME: I don't know.
GINA: Because, you know, panda porn couldn't possibly be that hot. It'd be all "Oh...wow...I'm screwing someone who looks exactly like me".
ME: Yeah, but if they showed them human porn then all of the male pandas would keep pulling out and coming on the female panda's chest.
KELLY: Does CNN seriously have to have a "Special Report" every time something blows up in Iraq or Afghanistan? Dude, it's the Middle East. Unless I hear otherwise, I'm just going to assume it's like my ex-husband: angry, confused, and getting bombed every day.
BRANDON: Will you please stop saying "It's me" when you leave a voicemail? If I'm not picking up it's because I'm either drunk or sleeping. In either case, there's a very good chance I don't know who "I" am, let alone who "me" is.
ME: Why do they even make phone books any more? It's like, every year they leave you some shitty door prize that basically says "Look! We killed off an old-growth forest to print a section of the internet for you!"
STUDENT #1: We have to figure out how all the characters connect using a Sven Diagram.
STUDENT #2: A what?
STUDENT #1: You know, where the circles connect and you see which common parts overlap?
STUDENT #2: You mean a 'VENN' Diagram?
STUDENT #1: I thought it was a 'SVEN' Diagram.
STUDENT #2: Oh, sure. Like it was invented by the Swedes and they were all, "Here's ABBA. . .here's shitty DIY furniture. . .here's savory meatballs. . .and that's us in the middle."
STUDENT #1: Fuck you.
ALEX: I don't get the whole debate over same-sex marriage. I mean, technically every marriage is a same sex marriage. You get married, and every night: the same sex.