Friday, November 15, 2013

No. . .I'm Not Dead.




Thanks to those of you who messaged me in concern that I was either violently ill or trapped under something heavy, thus explaining the lack of bloggage as of late.  Neither of the two are true.  In fact, the only thing under which I have been trapped is a soul-crushing, mind-numbing bout of depression that blind-sided me like Michael Oher on crystal meth.

A friend of mine recently described his depression as an "ebb and flow"; most of the time we flow through life just fine until we are drawn beneath the swirling waters by a sudden undertow.  Winston Churchill was noted for labeling his depression as a "black dog" and that analogy is fitting as well; most of the time it rests quietly on it's leash, but when awakened will sit heavily on your chest, growling softly in your face.

For me, depression is a person.  It is someone who draws you in with wit and charm and affection and just when you let your guard down and feel safe, it turns on you.  It deserts you, leaving you feeling lost and alone, and returns at sporadic intervals, never with any consistency so you are constantly off-balance.  It comes back just to whisper softly in your ear:  "You are ugly. . .you are worthless. . .you are pathetic. . .no one will ever love you. . ."  And when it does, I am hard-pressed to find any evidence to prove it wrong.

So, I'm sorry I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain; that being, I blog and you read. . .if you are still reading. . .I hope you are. . .if not, you aren't reading this right now anyway so I suppose the point is moot. . .I will be back.  I do have some outings planned in the not-so-distant future that I am sure will lend themselves to some healthy, blog-worthy shenanigans.  In the meantime, please be well.  Take care of yourselves.  And to those of you suffering from similar afflictions and maladies, please reach out.  I am sending you all the biggest of hugs as I would give anything in the world to be on the receiving end of one right now.

It's going to be OK.

xoxo,

Jen

19 comments:

Jennifer Clark said...

Depression is so ubiquitous these days.* I've had it since the twins were born. I have tried a couple of times to get off the meds, but then I'm a misery, both to be, and to live with.

Do what you need to, Jen. We'll still be here when you come back.

Big hugs, my sister!
Jen

* how in the name of god did anyone survive before the discovery of SRRIs?!

Kari said...

You're always so brave and able to talk about what's happening in your life. I hope you get out from under your depression soon.I miss your wit!

Abby said...

Yup. I wrote about it myself ("Magical Thinking") but it was only the tip of the very jagged, very painful iceberg. You know where to find me, my friend. XO

Kelly said...

I love you. Sending hugs and grilled cheese your way.

TheChickIsRight said...

A big bear hug & much love from the couve! Stay strong & be kind to yourself.

Mandy said...

Sending hugs and sunshine from Florida to you, my twin. I, too, suffer from depression and I'm in the throes of it now as I'm dealing with some personal struggles that no amount of Prozac can fix. You know where to find me if you need someone to talk to.

XOXO

Justamom said...

Sending hugs and Chocolate. You will get thru this, I promise. In the mean time we are hear if you need us

One of the Sarahs said...

Hang in there and just keep reminding yourself that depression lies. We'll be right here, sending you hope and looking forward to your big-hearted posts.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jen, I never commented on one of your posts but I really like them and I just wanted to tell you so.
You write in a really entertaining way and I think, first I heard from you was from twitter where one of your posts was about Nathan Fillion and that you were able to connect every movie to Nathan Fillion or something like that (I forgot but hopefully you get which post I mean). Since then I've been following your posts and it was entertaining for me to read about the life of a mature woman living in the USA.
I don't know, if it was that you are like 20 years older than me or that you live this far away from me (I live in Switzerland) that made your posts so special and fresh but I really was interested. It was special.

What made me comment now was that you mentioned that you are depressed. I have a major depression disorder as well and I don't know but you mentioning your own depression is kind of really strong. And it makes me realize that we all have some sort of connection and although there isn't much in my or your life which is the same, depression is something we share.

Although you are probably going through hard times don't stop blogging, your blog is really fun to read and writing can help you overcome depression as well.

I hope you do better and that you can get better and stay strong for your kids as well as readers:-)

Much love and liäbi grüäss!!

Letty said...

If nothing else, depression and your courage in saying it out loud has given empowerment to others to do the same. Because of you and other honest, powerful women, I have been more open about my long-term treatment for clinical depression, which in turn hopefully moves others to be open, which in turn leads others... so thank you.

mothers little hleper said...

Sending big hugs from Singapore and lots of love. You are amazing and I love your blog.

Anonymous said...

Hey there, I have been following your blog for a while. You are a witty writer and very brave, for sharing so much of your life with all of us. Thank you. Hoping your depression gives you a break soon. Please take care of yourself, as much as you can, amidst your duties as mom & student.

TheOtherLisa said...

Dear God is there something in the water? It seems like it's everywhere lately, from my friends to the bloggers I read and to me.

Hang in there kiddo. I'm pulling for you.

mykaltlewis1 said...

Hang in there Jen!

Erica B said...

Depression is hard. it got me last winter and I didn't even really realize it until spring, when I was starting to feel better.

Depression Lies, and makes you feel like your a worthless POS, but it's not true. The internet loves you and so do your friends and family!

MamaSoTired said...

Depression is a mofo. I have mad love for your blog... ergo I have mad love for you. Hugs to you from someone you don't know, but who cares about you in Arizona. Hopefully that sounded warm & fuzzy... not weird & creepy.

Valerie said...

Oh sweetie. You're gonna be ok. Your whole life is gonna be just fine. We all have our down moments. But, much like the Phoenix, we arise in a burst of flame... More glorious than before. Give it a minute. You'll be back and ready to fuck shit up in no time.

Hugs!!!!!!

Valerie

Stumbling Towards Perfect said...

((hug))

tbunni said...

I only live about 45 minutes away - anytime you need that hug, you let me know...and I'll bring my husband, the best damn hugger in the world. A single Ogg hug is better than a whole bottle of prozac - and he cooks better, too!

Stay strong, we love you very much in this little house in Salem.