GINA: Why is your sandwich called a Monte Cristo?
ME: Because, one day it will return to this deli disguised as a tuna melt and EXACT ITS REVENGE!!!
GINA: I probably shouldn't ask you why mine is called a Muffaletta.
ME: Good call.
KELLY: I don't know why everyone's so upset about the government not paying its bills and refusing to work for a couple of weeks. My ex husband did that for years and he's just fine.
KELLY: Why are your toenails blue?
ME: Because it's game day.
KELLY: . . .
ME: ((sigh)) If I don't paint my toenails blue AND have blueberry pancakes on game day then the Seahawks lose!
KELLY: Huh. . .did you hear that?
KELLY: The sound of my 'cray-dar' going off.
ME: Pfft! Don't be such a 'cray-cist'. Hatin' is whack.
ME: What are you going as for Halloween this year?
JESS: I was thinking of something really scary, like a zombie. . .or Obamacare. How about you?
ME: I think I'm going to dress as a milkshake and stand in the yard. You know, just to see who it brings.
JESS: What's it like in your brain?
ME: I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.
GINA: How're things going with the new guy?
KELLY: Oh God. He's a total Ayn Rand.
KELLY: Long-winded, hard to read, and there's no way in hell I'm sticking with him 'til the end.
ME: Just saw a Prius today without any bumper stickers. Surely, the End of Days is nigh.
ME: I just heard that Tom Clancy died.
ALEX: I can picture his obituary: seven pages of medical jargon describing the technology of his life-support system.
KELLY: If I hear that Lorde song "Royals" one more time I'm going to drive a Sharpie into my eardrum.
ME: I don't mind the song, but what in hell does a sixteen year old know about Grey Goose and trashing hotel rooms?
KELLY: Right? She should be drinking wine coolers in her parents' garage like the rest of us did at that age!
ME: My last name is a pain in the ass. I always have to spell it out saying: "N as in Nancy, M as in Mary". . .
JESS: So, if your name was Mary, would you just say "M as in Mary. . .then the rest of it"?
ME: How do you think Harry Potter picks up chicks? "Hey, Baby, did you survive 'Avada Kedavra'? 'Cuz you're dead sexy."
MY SON, J: "My name must be Moody because I have a Mad Eye for you."
ME: "My name might not be Luna, but I can Lovegood."
MY SON, J: "Did you just say 'lumos maxima'? Because you turn me on."
ME: I have never been prouder of you than I am at this moment.
GINA: What are you watching?
ME: A horror movie.
GINA: Ooh! which one?
ME: My wedding video. ((yelling at screen)) No! Don't go in there! He's crazy!!!
ME: A little girl today told me I looked like a Disney Princess.
KELLY: Oh! That's sweet. One of my clients called me an Angel of Mercy today, only he pronounced it "ignorant twat" and spit on my shoes.
ALEX ((watching a documentary on fundamentalist cults)): You know, polygamy's not such a bad thing for these folks. Because, there's like, hundreds of those girls running around with Snooki poufs and Little House on The Prairie dresses, and I can't imagine there's more than ten of those dudes who think that's hot.
STUDENT #1: Did you hear that Neil Armstrong died a couple months ago?
STUDENT #2: Ohmigod! He was so young! Was it the drugs?
STUDENT #1: Dude, he was, like. . .82. And what do you mean about drugs?
STUDENT #2: Isn't that why they took his Tour de France medal away? For using drugs?
STUDENT #1: That's LANCE Armstrong. I'm talking about NEIL Armstrong, the astronaut.
STUDENT #2: I thought they were the same guy. Didn't he start biking after he, like, retired from NASA?
STUDENT #1: You're so lucky you're pretty.
BRANDON: I looked at the clock and was all "Sweet! It's 6:00 so I can start drinking!" Then I remembered that it was 6:00 a.m. . .and I'm at work.
ME: Did you see the video of Guy Fieri beating up his hairdresser? It was like watching 'Real Housewives', except with less silicone, and more Ed Hardy swag.
KELLY: Can't really blame him. I've wanted to slap the shit out of Guy Fieri's hairdresser for years.