Thursday, November 7, 2013

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: We Are Magical Beings

ALEX:  Ah, Halloween.  When good girls dress like sluts, and sluts just pretend they're wearing a costume.

GINA:  Why is your sandwich called a Monte Cristo?
ME:  Because, one day it will return to this deli disguised as a tuna melt and EXACT ITS REVENGE!!!
GINA:  I probably shouldn't ask you why mine is called a Muffaletta.
ME:  Good call.

KELLY:  I don't know why everyone's so upset about the government not paying its bills and refusing to work for a couple of weeks.  My ex husband did that for years and he's just fine.

KELLY:  Why are your toenails blue?
ME:  Because it's game day.
KELLY:  . . .
ME:  ((sigh))  If I don't paint my toenails blue AND have blueberry pancakes on game day then the Seahawks lose!
KELLY:  Huh. . .did you hear that?
ME:  What?
KELLY:  The sound of my 'cray-dar' going off.
ME:  Pfft!  Don't be such a 'cray-cist'.  Hatin' is whack.

ME:  What are you going as for Halloween this year?
JESS:  I was thinking of something really scary, like a zombie. . .or Obamacare.  How about you?
ME:  I think I'm going to dress as a milkshake and stand in the yard.  You know, just to see who it brings.
JESS:  What's it like in your brain?
ME:  I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

GINA:  How're things going with the new guy?
KELLY:  Oh God.  He's a total Ayn Rand.
GINA:  Huh?
KELLY:  Long-winded, hard to read, and there's no way in hell I'm sticking with him 'til the end.

ME:  Just saw a Prius today without any bumper stickers.  Surely, the End of Days is nigh.

ME:  I just heard that Tom Clancy died.
ALEX:  I can picture his obituary:  seven pages of medical jargon describing the technology of his life-support system.

KELLY:  If I hear that Lorde song "Royals" one more time I'm going to drive a Sharpie into my eardrum.
ME:  I don't mind the song, but what in hell does a sixteen year old know about Grey Goose and trashing hotel rooms?
KELLY:  Right?  She should be drinking wine coolers in her parents' garage like the rest of us did at that age!

ME:  My last name is a pain in the ass.  I always have to spell it out saying: "N as in Nancy, M as in Mary". . .
JESS:  So, if your name was Mary, would you just say "M  as in Mary. . .then the rest of it"?

ME:  How do you think Harry Potter picks up chicks?  "Hey, Baby, did you survive 'Avada Kedavra'?  'Cuz you're dead sexy."
MY SON, J:  "My name must be Moody because I have a Mad Eye for you."
ME:  "My name might not be Luna, but I can Lovegood."
MY SON, J:  "Did you just say 'lumos maxima'?  Because you turn me on."
ME:  I have never been prouder of you than I am at this moment.

GINA:  What are you watching?
ME:  A horror movie.
GINA:  Ooh!  which one?
ME:  My wedding video.  ((yelling at screen))  No!  Don't go in there!  He's crazy!!!

ME:  A little girl today told me I looked like a Disney Princess.
KELLY:  Oh!  That's sweet.  One of my clients called me an Angel of Mercy today, only he pronounced it "ignorant twat" and spit on my shoes.

ALEX ((watching a documentary on fundamentalist cults)):  You know, polygamy's not such a bad thing for these folks.  Because, there's like, hundreds of those girls running around with Snooki poufs and Little House on The Prairie dresses, and I can't imagine there's more than ten of those dudes who think that's hot.

STUDENT #1:  Did you hear that Neil Armstrong died a couple months ago?
STUDENT #2:  Ohmigod! He was so young!  Was it the drugs?
STUDENT #1:  Dude, he was, like. . .82.  And what do you mean about drugs?
STUDENT #2:  Isn't that why they took his Tour de France medal away?  For using drugs?
STUDENT #1:  That's LANCE Armstrong.  I'm talking about NEIL Armstrong, the astronaut.
STUDENT #2:  I thought they were the same guy.  Didn't he start biking after he, like, retired from NASA?
STUDENT #1:  You're so lucky you're pretty.

BRANDON:  I looked at the clock and was all "Sweet!  It's 6:00 so I can start drinking!"  Then I remembered that it was 6:00 a.m. . .and I'm at work.

ME:  Did you see the video of Guy Fieri beating up his hairdresser?  It was like watching 'Real Housewives', except with less silicone, and more Ed Hardy swag.
KELLY:  Can't really blame him.  I've wanted to slap the shit out of Guy Fieri's hairdresser for years.


Jennifer R. Donohue said...

Hah, I have people ask me "what's it like in your brain" sometimes as well. In similar words, as well. :D

One of the Sarahs said...

I'm glad you post these conversations because they make me laugh so hard, but the hot coffee in my nasal passages is a bit painful. Keep bringing the funny! (Meanwhile, I'll work on my caffeine addiction)

Tiffany said...

Love it!
I've got to agree with you about Lorde. I enjoy her music, but how can she possibly know about all that depraved indulgence? One of her songs sounds like she ran off & joined a cult that had a Fight Club. Does it break the first rule of Fight Club if you sing about it?
And she loses points for an old white guy using "Royals" as his election-winning celebration song.
And did Tom Clancy really die? I missed that. I tried to read his books in high school & remember thinking, "Good Lord, he just spent four pages describing a tree." Then 200 pages later, a leaf from the tree would become important. Then I switched to Grisham & Cussler. Now I only have time for Castle books.
Funny as always, Jen!

Valerie said...

Maybe if I paint my entire person blue, the Giants will win something!!!



Laura said...

Oh Jen. I needed to laugh. The last one got it. DAMN auto correct. LOL :)

Anonymous said...

The things youngin's don't know crack me up. Radley wanted to be Michael Myers for Halloween. But when my husband and I were watching Halloween, Radley came in and was all, "Who is that?"