Monday, January 27, 2014

Baby, You Can Park My Car

I love my job.  No. . .seriously. . .this is not some "Holy tap dancing Jesus, I pray to Allah that my boss never reads this but just in case I'd better keep my ass more covered than a Muslim woman during 'courtin' season" kind of claim; I legitimately L-O-V-E my job.*

*And not just because it allows me a much-needed respite from the short people, although that is an added perk.

While the work I do is interesting, and fun, and rewarding, it is not without a singular drawback: parking in downtown Portland sucks worse than an Amish whore.  I know, I know, I live in the most eco-friendly city on the planet so why don't I ride my bike, take the bus, ride the light rail, blah, blah, blah.  First of all, the light rail doesn't extend into my 'hood so that's not an option.  Secondly, it rains nine months out of the year here so peddling 10 miles to work and showing up with mud on my pumps and hair that looks like a cat's ass?  Ain't gonna happen, Sister.  And (c). . .

*Wait.  Were we doing A-B-C or 1-2-3 or ?  I forget.  But know you probably all have that Jackson Five song stuck in your heads.  You're welcome.  :)

. . .there is the bus.  And if you think I'm the type of person who enjoys spending quality time nose-to-nuts with the unwashed masses then you obviously haven't been paying attention.  So, every day, I jump in my hoopty-hoopty-hoop and meander my way to the Star Park lot outside of my office where I tithe my daily offering to the parking gods.  Most days this conspires without event, but last month there was a glitch in the Matrix and I was forced to unleash the Krakken on the powers that be.  Allow me to elucidate. . .

I exited my vehicle to buy my daily pass to find that the machine was (as it is oft to be) broken.  So, I left a note on the dash, went on my merry way, and emerged at 5:00pm to find a ticket charging me with daily parking fees and DA FUQ!?!? A thirty-nine dollar charge for not having a pass.  Below, you will find the correspondence that ensued after Ticket Gate 2013.

To whom it may concern,

On ______ I parked my car in the _______ Star Park lot and noted that the machine was (once again) broken.  As this is not an uncommon occurrence, I did what I always do: left a note saying "Machine Offline" on my dash with the time, date, and my office number.  In the past, my forthright behavior has been rewarded buy either being billed for daily parking or getting a freebie (my preferred response).  However, on that day I was aghast; yes, I said AGHAST, to see that you had not only charged me the $10 daily parking fee but an additional $39 fee for not having a ticket. . .a ticket I could only get from the machine. . .which was not working.  See where I'm going here?  Enclosed you will find a check for my $10 parking fee but I refuse to pay $39 for faulty equipment that was out of my control.  Thank you, and have a pleasant day.



Dear Ms. XXXXXX,

Thank you for your timely payment of $10; however we require that you pay the $39 fee as well as your car did not have a pass clearly displayed on the dash.  Please pay the $39 at your earliest convenience.  Thank you.

Jason XXXX, STAR Park

Dear Jason,

I appreciate you're just doing your job, but I ask you: how am I to display a pass that doesn't exist as it was incapable of emerging from your machine?  Is this one of those Zen 'sound of one hand clapping' things? Because if so, I'll gladly seek counsel from the Philosophy department.



You cannot simply decide to not pay a fine levied against you.  We require that you send the $39 as soon as possible.



Ah, but there you are mistaken.  Of course I can decide to not pay the fine as I am a human being with free will; especially when the fine in question is clearly a steaming pile of horseshit.



I do not appreciate the profanity and will be expecting the $39 by Friday or a late fee will be incurred.



I'd love to send you the $39 but sadly the ATM is broken and I can't get the money out.  SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?!?



If the fine is not paid we have the ability to levy further fines.  We also have the ability to take you to court.  We have attorneys.  We have a tow truck.



I have a Hulk.



Your attempts to be glib and witty are falling on deaf ears.  You will pay the fine and I will be forwarding these messages to my supervisor.



You sweet, sweet man.  Do you truly believe that by DEMANDING I pay the fine I shall teeter over there fluttering my eyelashes and opening my wallet? Obviously you don't realize that the quickest way to stop me from doing something is to DEMAND that I do it.  There is nothing passive about my aggression.



Are you done yet?



Not even close, BUD!


Dear Miss XXXXXX,

My name is Robert XXXXX and I am the manager of the _____ Star Park lot.  My employee Jason has forwarded your correspondences to me in the hopes that I could rectify the situation.  After reading through and seeing your frustration with our machine I came to the following conclusions:

1)  You are an incredibly stubborn and passionate woman.

2)  Quoting The Avengers and The Breakfast Club was pretty badass.

3)  Jason is a tool.

Enclosed you will find a refund of your daily $10 parking fee.  I think you've earned it.  


Robert XXXXX, STAR Park.

Check and mate, bitches.  Check.  And.  Mate.




Tricia said...

You are my hero.

Kimberlee Lockwood said...

Hahahahaha....priceless!!!! Common sense isn't so common anymore :(

Angel The Alien said...

ROFL! Did that really happen? Even if not exactly the way you explained it, I'm glad you didn't have to pay the $39. It seems stupid to fine you for not doing something that was pretty much impossible for you to do!

Kristiina B. said...

This is one of the best ones yet. Why can't I have a little bit of your fun life. You are my inspiration.

tbunni said...

Jen, from the moment I started reading your blog, I knew you were awesome. But your level of awesomeness has just shot up so high I couldn't even see it with the Hubble telescope.

You. beat. the. parking. demons.

As far as I know this has never been accomplished by any other human being (you are a human, right? Because right now you exist as a goddess in my estimation.)

I sit at your feet and learn, oh enlightened one.

Erica B said...


That is pretty badass. I hope you didn't whoop and holler too loud at the office. Or maybe you did, and did a dance too.

Jennifer Clark said...

See? Life would be so much more interesting if shit like this happened to me! Go get 'em, Jen! Buy Robert a Starbucks for being a decent human being.

Mandy said...

I want to be like you when I grow up. You are my hero!

Frances Gronlier said...

Agreed Jennifer! I have been so screwed lately with the police the police service aide , lawyers. Seriously I just want to rage and do some damage. But alas, if I do this, then I'll get screwed again and it's a never ending circle folks. I'm glad that you were able to fight and win. Some people never get that.Love ya Jen. You are a badass!

Justamom said...

You are my hero, you are the winds beneath my wings...Robert sounds awesome and he is right Jason is a tool, specifically one that females use to clean themselves with on a nice spring day and the bag it came in....

bluzdude said...

OK, I read every post, and never comment. (I usually read from work, and they block the capacity to comment on Blogger.) I had to come back again from home, because this one was too awesome to ignore. Major LOL from me while I was sitting there at work, over the “I have a Hulk” line.

Please promise you’ll only use your powers for “good.”

Kat said...

Dude, is Robert single?

Kari said...

Well, fuck, yeah. That is exactly how you handle that type of parking lot.I dealt with that kind of nonsense so often last year (without the charm) that I chose defeat and stopped trying to park there. You are my hero. I mean, you were anyway, but bravo.

HoodyHoo said...

Omahgawd - could you write a letter for Dear Sweet Mama? She's currently involved in an altercation with Not-So-Fucking-EZ-Pass and they are being Jasons!

PathBLaughs said...

New commenter here, LOVE this!! Hilarious!