Monday, January 20, 2014
Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: The Hits Just Keep On Coming...
WOMAN #1: Before I get into a relationship I like to see how he treats his mom.
WOMAN #2: Or his wife.
WOMAN #1: Oh, yeah. That's TOTALLY important!
KELLY: If children really are a gift from God then I'm totally fine with the whole regifting thing.
BRANDON: I know I'm getting old when I watch porn and all I can think is 'Damn, that mattress has no back support'.
ALEX: Do you ever read certain words that technically sound the same but you read them differently? Like when I read "threw" and "through" they sound totally different in my head.
ME: No, but any time I read something I hear James Earl Jones narrating it.
ALEX: That's rad.
ME: Unless it's a female author.
ALEX: Then who do you hear?
ME: Allison Janney.
ALEX: Oh, well. . .naturally.
GINA: Why are girls in tampon commercials always laughing and dancing when they have their period? Shouldn't they be eating Ben & Jerry's and berating their husbands?
LITTLE BOY AT MALL: Daddy? You know what would be really good to eat?
LITTLE BOY: Babies.
DAD: . . .
LITTLE BOY: Because they'd be juicy and soft.
ME: It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again.
DAD: I'm totally fucked, aren't I?
KELLY: Having Jennifer Lopez judge singers on "American Idol" is like having Taylor Swift give relationship advice on "Dr. Phil".
BRANDON: How much coffee have you had today?
ME: Let's put it this way: I can hear colors.
BRANDON: What does my shirt sound like?
ME: Smooth jazz and misogyny.
GEORGE: What do you think deaf girls say when they're fighting? "Oh, no, you did NOT just sign that about my momma!"
ME: "Bitch, you had BEST keep my name out yo' hands!"
MY SON J: Hey, Mommy! Guess what I just learned! Do you know what you get when two black holes collide in space and create a vacuum?
ME: The perfect place for a Coldplay concert?
KELLY: You know, a vegetarian diet is SO much better for you.
LUKE: I dunno. Judging by my burger, I'd say a vegetarian diet didn't help this cow any.
KELLY: My food is natural and fully sustainable.
LUKE: Yeah, well my food eats your food and then shits on it.
ME: I want to create an entire series of Disney Princesses gone 'hood. I imagine the 'Frozen' sisters selling "ice".
NOA: And Rapunzel gets a weave.
ME: Sleeping Beauty takes a dirty needle in the crackhouse.
NOA: Mulan starts a gang war.
ME: Snow White and her seven baby daddies.
NOA: Cinderella gettin' her ass beat 'cuz she didn't listen to her mama.
ME: Ariel trading her tail for cash on 82nd and Burnside.
NOA: Belle as Edward James Olmos in "Stand And Deliver"; just because I want to see a candelabra doing calculus.
ME: Lumiere would kick much ass at calc. Chip is strictly in remedial math due to his traumatic brain injury.
NOA: Would they be breaking to "Tale As Old As Time"?
ME: They'd be poppin' and lockin' their provincial lives away, fo sho.
KELLY: Why does Pitbull always have to yell his name at the beginning of every song?
GINA: So that you have ample warning to change the station.
ALEX: What would your last meal be if you were on Death Row?
GINA: Probably my mom's okonomiyaki. How about you, B?
BRANDON: The McRib.
BRANDON: Yeah, but only in March.
BRANDON: Because they discontinue it in February, so if I ask for one in March, Bam! I just bought myself six more months.
ALEX: That's either genius or the dumbest thing you've ever said.
BRANDON: Those lines are easily blurred.
ME: Did you hear that actress from 'Legally Blonde', Reese. . .what's her name?. . .got stabbed to death?
ME: No, with a knife.
GINA: . . .
ME: Oh, c'mon, that was awesome!
GINA: You're dead to me.