Monday, January 20, 2014

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: The Hits Just Keep On Coming...

WOMAN #1:  Before I get into a relationship I like to see how he treats his mom.
WOMAN #2:  Or his wife.
WOMAN #1:  Oh, yeah.  That's TOTALLY important!

KELLY:  If children really are a gift from God then I'm totally fine with the whole regifting thing.

BRANDON:  I know I'm getting old when I watch porn and all I can think is 'Damn, that mattress has no back support'.

ALEX:  Do you ever read certain words that technically sound the same but you read them differently?  Like when I read "threw" and "through" they sound totally different in my head.
ME:  No, but any time I read something I hear James Earl Jones narrating it.
ALEX:  That's rad.
ME:  Unless it's a female author.
ALEX:  Then who do you hear?
ME:  Allison Janney.
ALEX:  Oh, well. . .naturally.

GINA:  Why are girls in tampon commercials always laughing and dancing when they have their period?  Shouldn't they be eating Ben & Jerry's and berating their husbands?

LITTLE BOY AT MALL:  Daddy?  You know what would be really good to eat?
DAD:  What?
LITTLE BOY:  Babies.
DAD:  . . .
LITTLE BOY:  Because they'd be juicy and soft.
ME:  It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again.
DAD:  I'm totally fucked, aren't I?

KELLY:  Having Jennifer Lopez judge singers on "American Idol" is like having Taylor Swift give relationship advice on "Dr. Phil".

BRANDON:  How much coffee have you had today?

ME:  Let's put it this way:  I can hear colors.
BRANDON:  What does my shirt sound like?
ME:  Smooth jazz and misogyny.

GEORGE:  What do you think deaf girls say when they're fighting?  "Oh, no, you did NOT just sign that about my momma!"
ME:  "Bitch, you had BEST keep my name out yo' hands!"

MY SON J:  Hey, Mommy!  Guess what I just learned!  Do you know what you get when two black holes collide in space and create a vacuum?
ME:  The perfect place for a Coldplay concert?

KELLY:  You know, a vegetarian diet is SO much better for you.
LUKE:  I dunno.  Judging by my burger, I'd say a vegetarian diet didn't help this cow any.
KELLY:  My food is natural and fully sustainable.
LUKE:  Yeah, well my food eats your food and then shits on it.  
KELLY:  Touche.

ME:  I want to create an entire series of Disney Princesses gone 'hood.  I imagine the 'Frozen' sisters selling "ice".
NOA:  And Rapunzel gets a weave.
ME:  Sleeping Beauty takes a dirty needle in the crackhouse.
NOA:  Mulan starts a gang war.
ME:  Snow White and her seven baby daddies.
NOA:  Cinderella gettin' her ass beat 'cuz she didn't listen to her mama.
ME:  Ariel trading her tail for cash on 82nd and Burnside.
NOA:  Belle as Edward James Olmos in "Stand And Deliver"; just because I want to see a candelabra doing calculus.
ME:  Lumiere would kick much ass at calc.  Chip is strictly in remedial math due to his traumatic brain injury.
NOA:  Would they be breaking to "Tale As Old As Time"?
ME:  They'd be poppin' and lockin' their provincial lives away, fo sho.

KELLY:  Why does Pitbull always have to yell his name at the beginning of every song?
GINA:  So that you have ample warning to change the station.

ALEX:  What would your last meal be if you were on Death Row?
GINA:  Probably my mom's okonomiyaki.  How about you, B?
BRANDON:  The McRib.
ALEX:  Seriously?
BRANDON:  Yeah, but only in March.
GINA:  Why?
BRANDON:  Because they discontinue it in February, so if I ask for one in March, Bam!  I just bought myself six more months.
ALEX:  That's either genius or the dumbest thing you've ever said.
BRANDON:  Those lines are easily blurred.

ME:  Did you hear that actress from 'Legally Blonde', Reese. . .what's her name?. . .got stabbed to death?
GINA:  Witherspoon?!?!
ME:  No, with a knife.
GINA:  . . .
ME:  Oh, c'mon, that was awesome!
GINA:  You're dead to me.


Angel The Alien said...

LOL! You and your friends should have your own reality show! ;)

Tiffany Turner said...

Hilarious! The baby-eating kid reminded me of my 6 year old son. In the church playroom 2 weeks ago, he took a baby doll to the toy kitchen & fried it up. But the skillet was too small, so he made fried baby head & then fried baby feet then fried baby tummy, and then he tried to get the old ladies who were supervising to pretend to eat it. They called him weird but still played along. One even requested some fried baby head when he got there last week. He laughed proudly. It was very odd.

Brian R. Christensen said...

Heh heh. James Earl Joyce.

I just told my wife and daughters the one about Reese Witherspoon, and now they won't talk to me.

Jennifer R. Donohue said...

I've wondered about the signing thing too....

beatofmydrum said...

You and your friends are so weird. Glad I'm not friends with yo.. Fuck it.