Sunday, February 9, 2014
Conversations With Jess: The Snowpocalypse Is Upon Us
JESS: So how is life in Snowlandia?
ME: More like freezing rain-landia. I'm dangerously close to losing my shit, Jess. The short people are being awesome but if I don't see the outside of my house soon I'm gonna go all Jack Nicholson on this joint.
JESS: All work and no play makes Jen a dull girl?
ME: All work and being housebound makes Jen crazier than a shithouse rat.
JESS: How are you coping?
ME: Copious amounts of coffee and YouTube. Oh! And mentally hazing my cat.
JESS: How is the new kitty?
ME: She's fabulous. Other than her propensity for defecating in the shower, I'd say she's the perfect roommate. But, hey...haven't we ALL gotten confused and taken a shit in the shower?
JESS: . . .
ME: No?. . .well, that just got acca-awkward.
JESS: You and I obviously did not have the same college experience. When do they anticipate you guys will be able to get out and about again?
ME: HOPEFULLY tomorrow! If I don't get in for an eyebrow waxing soon I'm going to start braiding them.
JESS: That bad, huh?
ME: I look like the love child of Frieda Kahlo and Leonid Brezhnev.
JESS: That's hot. So, did you watch the Olympic Opening Ceremonies the other night?
ME: Yup. Seriously though, someone needs to talk to Ralph Lauren about the clothes he designs for the U.S. team. They looked like they were on their way to an ugly Christmas sweater party.
JESS: No kidding. But I though the performers were cool.
ME: You thought watching a bunch of Russian men singing "Get Lucky" with jazz hands was cool?
JESS: You didn't?
ME: I just found it all rather ironic. For a country that is so open about how much they hate gays, they had an inordinate amount of all-male show choirs. I'm just sayin'. . .
JESS: Valid point. At least it was more interesting than the Grammies this year.
ME: Kristen Stewart reading aloud from the phone book would have been more interesting than the Grammies this year.
JESS: Seriously. And please explain why Jamie Foxx was presenting in an English accent?
ME: Because he was giving an award to Ringo Starr?
JESS: So, by that logic, if he were giving an award to Miley Cyrus he'd be twerking?
ME: The day Miley Cyrus wins a Grammy is they day I drink a cocktail of NyQuil and bleach and end it all.
JESS: And how about Ozzy Osbourne's tribute to Ringo?
ME: I have no idea what he was saying but I'm relatively certain he was ordering take-out. Either that or reciting Mel Gibson's "they will never take our freedom" speech from "Braveheart".
JESS: And what about the categories? Best Spoken Word? Best Album Notes? What's next. . .Best Silence?
ME: Best Sound Of One Hand Clapping?
JESS: Best Sound Of A Tree Falling In The Forest. . .or IS there?
ME: Personally I think the star of the night was Pharell's hat.
JESS: Why, pray tell, WAS he wearing the Arby's hat while singing "Get Lucky"?
ME: 'Cause he's "up all night 'til the sun, he's up all night for good fun, he's up all night to get some, he's up all night to get roast beef..."
JESS: I still can't believe I missed "Downton Abbey" for that crap.
ME: And I can't believe you watch "Downton Abbey". What are you? A 65 year old woman with six cats and the complete Jane Austen film series on DVD?
JESS: . . .
ME: You DO, don't you!?!?
JESS: Bite me.
ME: Ha! I knew it! You have them ALL on DVD, don't you? So, tell me, which was better: Kiera Knightley's yammering horse face in "Pride And Prejudice", or Gwyneth Paltrow's glaring lack of talent in "Emma"?
JESS: Pretty smug for someone who owns the entire box set of the "Bring It On" movies.
ME: Those movies are destined to be classics. Time will ultimately prove their brilliance.
JESS: Whatever. All movies these days are stupid. All music these days is stupid. In fact, the music industry has nothing to do with music. It has to do with promoting the singer most likely to sell out to the industrial complex and be the next voice of the McRib jingle.
ME: Jesus, lighten up there, Abbie Hoffman. Just because Bob Seeger's 'Like A Rock' became synonymous with Chevy and KT Tunstall sold her soul to the ghost of Sam Walton doesn't mean that every celebrity who does commercials is a sell out.
JESS: Name one that isn't.
ME: Samuel L. Jackson for Capitol One. Because if you attempt to tell me that the man who brought us Nick Fury and Jules Winfield is a sell out then I will be forced to smite down upon thee with great anger and furious vengeance.
JESS: OK, I'll give you Sam because that guy's a legitimate badass; but even you have to admit that the music industry is made up of sell-outs and rip-offs.
ME: I'd love to see where this is going...
JESS: Think about it. . .pop music has historically been a rip-off. INSYNC ripped off New Kids on the Block, Macklemore ripped off Eminem, Lorde ripped off Adele, and Starbucks ripped us all off by selling their CD's at a 20% markup. It's capitalism at it's finest. U-S-A! U-S-A!
ME: Oh, I KNOW you didn't just talk smack about my homeboys Macklemore and Eminem!
JESS: Your fondness for white rappers has always baffled and amused me.
ME: Note to self: never discuss anything with a Democrat that involves trophies, an outfit-of-choice category, or a rose ceremony. You're sucking my pleasure harder than a whore when the rent is due.
JESS: The truth hurts, Ann Coulter.
((sound of children shouting))
JESS: What was that?
ME: The short people fighting over the TV. It's been going on for over an hour.
JESS: I didn't think you let them watch that much TV?
ME: Jess, we've been stuck inside for THREE DAYS. At this point, I'll let them watch porn if it means I won't hear the word "Mommy" for an hour.
JESS: And the 'Mother of the Year' award goes to. . .
ME: Hey, I've made it through 72 hours of solitary confinement without raising my voice or crying so I'd say I'm golden.
JESS: Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be.
ME: But Jess, I can fly higher than an eagle, because YOU are the wind beneath my wings.
JESS: Why do we always wind up quoting shitty 80's songs to each other?
ME: Because we win at life, my friend. . .we win at life.
To my fellow Portlandian's: PLEASE stay home today. Stay warm. Stay safe. And to anyone NOT experiencing Snowmaggedon, please know that a tiny part of me hates you a little. . .but just a little.