JESS: So, Loser, what's it like being a burden on society?
ME: So far, not entirely unpleasant. Really downsizing my life has made me so much happier. Sold some stuff on craigslist and cleaned out the boys' closets so deep I found Narnia.
JESS: Damn! Look at you putting a positive spin on this whole unemployment thing!
ME: Pfft! I don't look at it as being unemployed. I like to consider myself "funemployed and fabuluxe".
JESS: There is no way you came up with that on your own.
ME: Nope. I got it from "Rich Kids of Beverly Hills".
JESS: Tell me you don't seriously watch that?
ME: Umm, HELLO! Have we met? It's a show about vapid, soulless people who contribute nothing to society as a whole. And it's on the "E!" network. . . of COURSE I watch it! Hell, I TiVo that shit.
JESS: You are the most troubling and enigmatic dichotomy of a woman. You can wax eloquent about Eastern theology and the works of Franz Kafka and at the same time know EXACTLY who Khloe Kardashian is dating at any specific time.
ME: French Montana.
ME: French Montana; he's the rapper Khloe started dating when she split up with Lamar.
JESS: What's the chemical formula for sugar?
JESS: Who were the other two members of Destiny's Child?
ME: Kelly Rowlands and Michelle Williams...but not the one from "Dawson's Creek".
JESS: What was the name of Sartre's seminal work on existentialism?
ME: "Of Being and Nothingness".
JESS: Name every one of "The Bachelor"s, in order.
ME: Alex, Aaron, Andrew the first, Bob, Jesse, Byron, Charlie, Travis -- you know, the dude on 'The Doctors' -- Lorenzo, Andrew the second, Brad, Matt -- who was a total closet case by the way -- Jason, Jake, Brad, Ben, Sean, and that douchecanoe, Juan Pablo.
JESS: . . .
JESS: How is someone with your breadth of knowledge unemployed?
ME: My mad skillz are greatly unappreciated.
JESS: Evidently. So, if you had the choice to do anything -- any job in the world, what would it be?
ME: Writer. But, sadly, no one appears to be pounding on my door to pay me major ducats for my musings on reality TV and all things Nathan Fillion.
JESS: Well, what's the best job you've ever had?
ME: Honestly? Being a stay-at-home mom. And despite what that tanorexic cuntmuppet Gwyneth Paltrow said on E! News, being a mom actually IS harder than guest starring on "Glee" and being married to a man with the most annoying voice since Gilbert Gottfried.
JESS: Daaaaaamn. I knew how you felt about Coldplay, but Gwynnie too?
ME: My hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow and Anne Hathaway is the stuff of legend. Besides, Gwyneth is technically Coldplay by association, so. . .
JESS: You know they broke up, right?
JESS: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.
ME: Shit! That blows!
JESS: Huh. Hardly the reaction I expected.
ME: But don't you get it? If they're together they keep all of the annoying in one place. But if they split up they'll be spreading the 'suck' to two continents.
JESS: That actually makes sense. . .in a non-sensical way. So, back to the job thing: what are you doing to keep busy these days?
ME: Surprisingly enough, I've been busier than when I was employed. Finally caught up on all of my home projects, pounding the pavement for work, spending kick-ass time with the short people, and finally have an active social life again. And, of course, I've gone running almost every morning.
JESS: I've gotta start running again. I gained so much weight this winter my ass has its own web domain.
ME: Uh oh. L.A. face with an Oakland bootie?
JESS: It's pretty bad. Sean says he doesn't mind; that he likes me with a little "junk in the trunk", but I think he's just saying that so I don't feel bad.
ME: No, you can believe him. In the immortal words of the great philosopher Sir Mix-a-lot, people who like big butts cannot lie.
JESS: Yes, but in the immortal words of Bel Biv Devoe, you never trust a big butt and a smile.
ME: Yes, but then that puts the onus on you. . .or the anus as the case may be.
JESS: I know, I'm being bitchy. I've just been really moody lately. I love Sean. I love the kids. But sometimes I have fantasies about getting in the car and living alone under a new identity. Does that make me sound like an asshole?
ME: You are an asshole.
JESS: Seriously, Jen. I haven't been single for 15 years. Sometimes I really miss it. Be honest, is being single as great as I'm idealizing it to be?
ME: Not gonna lie, it's pretty nice to know that I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.
ME: But at the end of the day, it's pretty awesome to know you're going to see the same face on the pillow next to you every night. I miss that.
JESS: It is pretty awesome. . .you're right. Thanks for reminding me.
ME: I'll always keep it real, yo.
JESS: I love your face.
ME: Right back atcha, Freakshow. Right back atcha.